"I'm a, I'm a, a DIVA."

The scene was spectacular. The main floor at Tracks was packed so tight, that it was an impossibility to even think to move. There was a sea of glittering heads frozen in place; mouths shut, eyes wide. Flat screen TV's created a trail of Logo's logo, leading up to the big screen with RuPaul's Drag Race Season Finale, projected onto it.

And the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race is.... Bebe Zahara.

You could feel the the reaction of the room as RuPaul uttered those fateful words. The temperature dropped to an icy level, as the excitement was sucked from the club. We all knew who was going to win. Putting aside the bias of the fact that Nina Flowers was fliving and represening Denver, she was clearly going to be the winner of the Logo/Vh1 reality show. She was the most unique, had never been in the "bottom two", and won multiple of the "mini challenges". she was by far the most original, captivating character on that show... yet this gorgeous drag DIVA was denied the Swarovski Crystal crown, that was was so rightfully hers. However, as Nina Flowers said herself, " If she was going to loose, it would be to the beautiful, statuesque Bebe Zahara Camaroon!"

I met Nina Flowers over a year ago when we were both hired to gogo at Beta Nightclub for a special Carnival event that they were throwing. Nina and I shared a dressing room (and drag queen secret tips and tricks) while we got ready for our performance together.

She was brand new to Denver, and hadn't had an opportunity to become integrated in the scene yet. She had just moved here with her husband from Puerto Rico, and her beautiful accent made that very apparent. Her look that night was a perfect balance of androgynous ferocity; i was in complete awe. to be honest, i felt my drag interpretation was completely muted by her elegant beauty. Since the moment i met her, i have been trying to push myself harder and further, when it comes to my makeup skill and application. She has inspired me to come a better drag queen, and a better artist.

during the sets where i was relaxing in my dressing room, i became acquainted with her husband, who was such a supportive and wonderful man. it was one of the first times that i have met someone who wasn't a drag queen, who appreciated and loved the art of makeup and performance. he was so supportive of Nina, that it re-ignited a small flame in me... reminding me that there are still amazing people out there. and this married couple are proof of that.

As the episode of RuPauls Drag Race ended, the projector went black, and the lights slowly rose. The silence gradually broke, as a roaring cheer grew louder and louder. i pulled my hot pink hair to one side off of my bare back, and started clapping with the rest of the club, as Nina walked out on stage. She was wearing a yellow, brown, and cheetah print dress that ruffled and flowed as she moved into the spotlight. her yellow and brown braided hair gleamed in the sparkling lights, as tears came to her eyes. The level of acceptance and love for her pumped through every person there. the temperature rose as everyone stood, showing their respect and admiration, for this amazing man; this truly beautiful Drag Queen.

Her words were simple and from the heart, thanking her family at Tracks, all of her supporters, and Absolute Vodka (for their sponsorship). Cameras flashed, as she smiled to everyone, and commanded the room to start the celebration.

Lights immediately dropped, and premixed music (by Miss Nina Flowers herself) poured out of the speakers. almost instantly all the chairs were cleared and the dance floor was full of beautiful people and drag queens, dancing and cheering. I walked over to Nina (after waiting in line for what seemed like forever), and congratulated her. Her face lit up like fireworks as she saw me, and jumped up to hug me. I was a good foot and a half taller than she was while i was wearing heels, so i had to crouch low, to embrace her fabulosity.

"Loca! Are ju coming to Drama Drag on Friday? First night ever!"

"I can't. i'm not 21, and i've already asked Erik (the manager of the club) if i could come, and he said no."

"Wha?? Dat's not right. I'll put ju on my leest, and we'll get ju in, girl! Ju 'ave to come!"

"Okay! you twisted my arm. i am SO there!"

"Matty baby! Text me later, an' we'll make it 'appen! Gurl! ju bettur wurrrrk it!"

We stood for photos together as a Tracks photographer (as well as some bystanders) flashed some pictures. I hugged her deeply, air kissed, and promised to see her Friday.

As clicked in my pink heels back to my car, i couldn't help but feel so inspired from her mere presence. I adjusted my gold dress, as i slid in my driver's seat next to my roommate. Nina is such a positive, beautiful person, it really effects you. I always look forward to the next time i get to see her because she is such an inspiration to me. It's been a long time since i've felt that way by someone. When i was younger, i was really inspired by Jeffree Star because of his unique androgyny, but after meeting him a few times, and not having very positive experiences with him, i lost my admiration. He was so mean and brutal to everyone, even his fans, that i appalled. It was sad, because i can only imagine what type of person he would be if he wasn't torn down by everyone that he's ever met. I understand completely why he hates the world, and everyone that lives on it, but it didn't ease my disappointment with his character.

However, It feels fucking good to have a role model again... and Nina Flowers is a role model in every aspect, for everyone. She should have won. *sigh*

I turned to Vyckee, as i started the car. "Strawberry milkshake and chili cheese fries?"

"Like a true DIVA LOCA CAMAROOOOOOOON!"

"A diva is a female version of a hustla'-"

Matty Beautiful

"I Hate This Part Right Here. I Can't Take It Any Longer. Thought That We Were Stronger-"

I lied there with my eyes open, staring directly at the ceiling, not quite understanding what was going through his head. Part of me just wanted to jump on top of Josh, and shake the some sense into him. I haven't had someone so actively hate on me in a very long time... not since the boys in high school physically beating me into unconsciousness, that is. Jonathan spent the past 72 hours actively hate-crimeing me, and I spent it realizing how much i really affected him. It became very clear to me that night that he cannot accept the things that he has done, and that he is embarrassed of his behavior, as anyone should be. instead of apologizing like a sane human being, he tries to tear me down, and sink me all the way to his level, incessantly trying to get a rise, a reaction, anything. Well, i react with the truth.

Nothing Jonathan could ever say or do, would ever hurt me. It doesn't hurt when i have complete strangers come up to me, asking what i did to piss Jonathan off so much for him to spread venomous lies about me. It doesn't hurt standing in a club, having him call me a 'fat tranny'. It doesn't hurt when he throws food at me, as i ignore his antagonistic advances. Someone only has as much power as you give them, and I know that. What kills me, is that one of the only people that i can semi-trust, isn't loyal to me in the one time i need him to be. At the diner Josh wanted me to throw down with Jonathan. Today Josh wants to "give him a chance." After a few moments to soak it in, i knew exactly why the change of heart.

"You do know exactly what he's doing, right? The last time he tried to go out, we told the people he was going to hang out with what really happened between us, and they blew him off and come chill with us. So what does he do? He followed us all over Denver on Thursday, from Mary's, to Tracks, and then finally to Denver diner, screaming profanities at me, calling me a 'tranny whore'. Then when i don't respond to his vapid attempts to ruin my night, he throws FOOD at the back of my head, as i leave. That is the person YOU want to give a chance to?"

"Matty, he told me that he wasn't yelling at me, and that he didn't mean for the food to hit me. He was just screaming at you, and that the food was meant to hit you, not me. See? He only hates you, and was only trying to hurt you. I'm not going to choose sides between you two."

"Joshua, you already chose a side. when he called you a slut and a whore, and you called him a drugged out rat face, you chose your side. When you said that you were here for me, you chose a side. And now you see how low he'll stoop, and you're scared of him. You think that he'll turn his attention and hate towards you, once he grows bored with me not reacting to his elementary behavior. You're actually scared of him!"

"Am not! Matty! It's just that i'm not always going to have you there with me. Sometimes, i'm going to go out alone...-"

"...and you're not going to have me to protect you. That is just beautiful, Joshua. You're scared that you're not going to have me there to protect you and fight your battles for you. What about all the shit you've talked about him? What about all the shit he talks about you? You think that's just going to stop? If you do, you are in for a RUDE fucking awakening. This is a joke. i refuse to speak about this matter anymore. You're going to do what you're going to do, and i apparently it doesn't matter to you what my feelings on the matter are."

"...are you mad at me?"

"I'm fucking furious. but even more than that, i am SO disappointed in you. i'm not saying that you have to dislike him because i do. you're letting a dog walk and shit all over you, and you're letting him know that his actions are acceptable behavior! You're acting in COMPLETE cowardice right now. You're being SO fake, it blows my mind. I am so repulsed with your decision, you can't even comprehend."

"...you love me though."

"I try really hard to, but i swear to god, it's one flaming hoop after the other, that you FORCE me to jump through. i have never worked so hard to be someone's friend. I swear to jesus christ on the fucking cross you really push me to the fucking limit."

"I don't want you mad at me!"

"..and i want you to have morals and a backbone. since neither aren't going to happen, i guess we'll both have to get used to it, and deal."

I rolled over, looked across my room, and out the window. Since when did friendships become so hard? Since when did i have to take moments to collect myself, and attempt to reaffirm the reasonings behind my friendships. Since when did having basic human relationships become so hard?

"You don't tell anyone anything, Matty. I don't know anything about you. How is it fair that you know everything about everyone, but no one knows anything about you? It's hardly a way to live life."

Josh isn't the first person to say that to me.

"Because there are people out there who have nothing better to do than try and tear down other people, to make them feel better about themselves. People out there who call me a coke head to disguise their own drug addiction. People out there who call me an attention whore, because they feel alone, and think that bad mouthing me will bring them the attention they so desperately desire. People who call me a fat tranny because they are insecure with their own weight, and the fact that they wear makeup as well. I'm honest about WHO I am, and that scares people. I have yet to meet anyone that loves Matty Beautifiul, and Matthew Monahan. And until i can look into someone's eyes and see their sincerity, i don't feel obliged to share anything about Matthew. Trust isn't a right, it's a privilege."

I would be lying if i said that when people talk shit about me, it doesn't hurt. Who wants to have people publicly try and tear them apart? I sure as hell don't. It doesn't however, sway me from rising above it, and continuing to be who i am: a strong, independant person, who will always be honest with the world. Because that is my freedom. If asked ANY direct question, i will ALWAYS answer with honesty, without shame or regret. I right the wrongs that i've done, and I'll be the first person to do so. It takes great character and humility to do that.

I was watching the Coco Chanel movie (for the millionth time), and possibly my favorite quote of hers, that also happens to be my newly adopted life mantra is: "To be irreplaceable, you must be different." She is completely right. I'm not like anyone i know, and although i'm a diamond in the rough, i'm still a diamond all the while. If i deserve punishment for that, then so be it. I've been beat down harder and longer, and have walked away from it... as did she. She was the CREATOR of androgyny, and influenced the entire world with her artistic vision. The few friends she had, as she said, "were only friends because they wanted something." I've experienced that now, more than ever, and like she did, I have accepted it.

I'm not going to say "I hope he makes the right decision", insinuating for Josh to choose me, over his friendship with Jonathan. What i honestly want for him is that he finds what he's looking for. He says that he feels like he's on a leash. Well, to some degree that's true.

Just like i did for Jonathan, i do for Josh, and all of my friends: when he is frumpy and dirty, i give him a hot shower, and clean clothes to wear. When he hates his most recent booty call, and he has no where to go, he comes and sleeps in my bed. when he is lonely and sad, i tell him that i'm always here for him. When he feels ugly, i make him beautiful: from his hair, to his face, to his clothes. when he has pissed off all of his friends, and has none, i introduce him to mine. when he wrongs someone, i do everything in my power to help him make it right.

Will jonathan do that for him? I doubt it. but if he thinks that he can drive all on his own, then i will let him. He told me last night that I "need a friend that is up on my level". Well maybe that's true. It would be wonderful to be friends with someone who is as socially ambitious as i am. If not at the very least, someone who can handle four-wheeling the rocky road, that is my life. Four wheeling through the social scene is way more fun than coasting through it, anyways! Tossled and disheveled is totally in, right now. who doesn't love a little wind blown hair, and a slightly disjointed look? I know i do, and girl, I work it out! Because that's was a diva does. she takes what she has to work with, and works it out. Would you expect anything less of me?

"I See You Over There, Giving Me the Stare. I'm Playing With My Hair, As If I Just Don't Even Care!"
Matty Beautiful

"PUNKBITCH. I've Seen It Before. PUNKBITCH. And I Don't Care Anymore."

I have had very interesting conversations over the past 48 hours. After Sean and Jonathan's actions were revealed through my blog, i received many emails that were very unexpected. I received praise for saying what no one else would, because they were too intimidated by Sean. That's right, I'm not going to walk around a pretend that he doesn't have any influence on people. Clearly he has SOME impact on me, otherwise, why would i vent and tell everyone what kind of person he is.

I thought that i would receive slews of hate mail from gays all over Denver, because of all of the threatening text messages and hateful comments Jonathan has left on my profile... when in reality not only have i been applauded, but i have been called an "inspiration to all". I was prepared for some kind of reaction from them, because they are SELF PROCLAIMED as Denver's "it" kids. It has become quite apparent that that is not true. Not only are they not the "it kids" that they claim to be, but they are in fact very disliked by many. All day i kind of felt bad for them after writing the blog that sparked all the mail from boys around Denver, proclaiming their distaste for both Sean and Jonathan. But then, i received this text message from Jonathan (misspellings, grammar flaws, and all):

"I like how your friend called me just about 50 times yesterday. Threatening me. Like really? Your little brigade of haters needs to stop. i didn't do anything to you... i didn't do anything to deserve this."

I responded: "I agree that my friend calling you is too much, and immature. Tell me who it is and i will tell them to stop. I have never acted out on you. all i did was report the truth of what you both did."

"I wrote my own blog. yes you have acted out. This is ridiculous. You're pathetic. why are you doing this?"

I responded: "I'm doing this so that you learn to NEVER treat anyone like this again."

Usually my hurt is misread as anger. I give a lot to my friends, and invest a lot into my relationships, and i think that it would hurt ANYONE to have one end so abruptly over something so vapid. the worst feeling in the world is realizing that you care more about someone, than they care about you. I cannot describe with the deepest sincerity, the feeling of sorrow i had, when Sean decided I was a worthless to him, and then again, when my proclaimed "best friend" Jonathan Lockwood, not only lied to his boyfriend to prolong his relationship, but then turned around the following day (after crying on the phone with me the previous night begging me for my continued friendship) and made up lies about me, talked shit, to my friends, and people that i know.

Jonathan continually claims that he has done nothing to me, and that I'm heartless, and claims that all he did was be my friend, while they have both written blogs calling me " pathetic, a tranny, fat and disgusting", accusing me of "wearing King Soopers make up", and said I'm the type of person that would "serve them their Pelligrino".

Lets get something straight. I created my life, and who i am, without the help of ANYONE. I moved out at the age of 15, and started my adult life. Yes, i don't own fancy sports cars, but I'm hard working, genuine, and always honest. if i wasn't, i wouldn't be where i am today. i wouldn't have the values i have today. No amount of money can buy my life experiences that have made me the gracious, appreciative, beautiful person i am today. I have yet to lash out at either of them, and if i wanted to, i could open my mouth, say and do, some very hurtful unnecessary things. however, that's not my style. I told Jonathan that i am the LAST person to fuck with. He knows that, now.

You can call me names, and spread lies about me, and try and look down on me, because i don't get a monthly stipend from my parents, but it's mindless babble. it's worthless, because it's all vapid lies.

How can you hurt someone who is always honest?
How can you spill the darkest secrets of someone who has no secrets?

I am so fortunate to know the people that i know today, because they see me as the sincere person i am.

How do people look at you, Sean and Jonathan? What do they think when you're referenced? I have an inbox full of things that they say and think, but as a true gentleman, i will keep that to myself. I don't need to plague my life with lies and embellishments. Maybe one day you'll do the same.

"I'm datin' mad models, and poppin' mad bottles tonight!"
Beautiful

We Fight, We Break Up; We Kiss, We Make Up


He said he was SO sorry. he didn't want to loose me as a friend. He called me crying, begging me to just lie to his boyfriend, and tell him that i was wrong, and that i was sorry. he wanted SO bad for me to take the blame for his obsessive compulsive behavior, so that he would be in the clear. Well, unfortunately for Jonathan, i was honest, and kind to both him and his boyfriend, and apparently that makes me a bad friend... when i was only doing what i was asked: to be honest. I'm sorry, but i won't compromise myself.

I was drinking a diet Coke with lime, at Lime, when i first tasted blood in the water. There were two Great White Sharks, and two baby sharks sitting at this dinner table. Naturally, there were harmless guppies flocked around, but they were harmless.; meaningless, and added almost nothing to the social environment.

Sean and I were the only ones who posed any real threat in that particular pool of gay boys... or so he thinks. I looked back and forth intrigued between the bickering baby sharks Josh Scott, and Jonathan Lockwood. I glanced up to see Sean wide eyed and hungry, not smiling, but showing his teeth, as he watched his boyfriend of the moment snap viciously at Josh Scott, about boys, weight, or some shallow bullshit to that degree. I almost laughed out loud when i saw how excited Sean was for this little bit of action. His skin was shiny with sweat, as he secretly begged for a brawl.

But even he knew that nothing would happen with me sitting there, because I would protect Josh Scott from any overtly inappropriate behavior. This was Josh's first outing with all of us, and his first time meeting Sean. There would be no cat fight because it would be in bad taste. Not only that, but neither Sean nor Jonathan would be a match for me. it would hardly be fair. I have extensive experience with boys with sharp teeth and a watered down wit. i was more than prepared for anything these boys might have up their sneaky little sleeves. But like polite little boys, they held back and we all sat there smiling, Sean and I bearing our teeth, pretending that we were having a wonderful time, while we prepared ourselves for the bigger sea: Thursday night at Tracks.

Jonathan was always wildly obsessed with knowing the exact whereabouts of his boyfriend Sean, and everything that could possibly relate to him: where he was, what he was doing, who he was talking to, and who he was texting. Jonathan and Sean frequently fight over how much Sean lies about... well, everything. So naturally, it's always a show to go out with the both of them. Because Jonathan is so insecure with himself and his relationship with his "womanizer boyfriend" (as described by multiple boys who have reflected to me about the end of their relationship with Sean), he is always loosing his mind the second he looses sight of his boyfriend. Frankly, it's exhausting to even think about trying to keep up with their plethora of problems.

It's always the same scene, as if it's a broken record, skipping over the same crack in the relationship, over and over again . after about an hour of Jonathan's panicked, teary, wide-eyed expression at every boy that Sean glanced at, i started to feel the boredom and pity set in. Jonathan could be a really great guy, and i honestly wish he didn't feel such intense insecurity. I think that part of his problem, is letting Sean dictate everything about his life: what he can wear, which friends he can talk to, where can go... Jonathan thinks that just because Sean controls Jonathan's life, buy buying him clothes he's "allowed" to wear, makeup he's "supposed" to wear, that Jonathan has the right to do the same to Sean. Boy is he wrong. The power is all in Sean's hands... and he publicly uses and abuses that power.

Luckily for me, I had many distractions from Sean and Jonathan's slow motion train wreck. it was Josh Scott's first time to Tracks (he used to "date" one of the bouncers, so he was admitted without an ID). You see, he has this terrible habit of talking nonsense gossip about people he thinks that he'll never meet, when in fact, many of them were at Tracks that evening... Thus resulting in yet another eventful, melodramatic night.

Hours later, i could finally breathe easy. as i pressed the gas down, i exhaled deeply, smiling to myself. i had survived another night, unscathed. as usual, i escaped before the lights came on; pouring over the sea of boys, drowning in their own drama. Little did i know, that my safety was going to be short lived.

***

Not two days later, we were back listening to the same broken record. except this time, Jonathan (who lives with his parents and had an 11 o'clock curfew) was at home, and trying to map out his boyfriend's every move VIA text messages. Between 8:30PM and 12:30AM, i received 27 text messages that consisted of either "Is he cheating on me, Matty? What should i do?" or "Have you talked to him yet? Who is he with? He's lying to me!" or something to that desperate degree. I'm not one to rat out a friend of mine to another friend, so i told him every time, "He's not with me. if you want to know who your boyfriend is with, and what your boyfriend is doing, then you text your boyfriend to find out."

about thirty minutes later, Josh and I decided to go have a glass of wine with Sean's best friend Kipp, who had been at the club with him. after we get together with Kipp, i received a text from Jonathan demanding if Sean was with us. I simply, innocently replied with the very little information i had: "No he's not. i guess the straight boy was threatening to move back to Florida (a friend of his that he had met at the bar the previous week), and Sean went over to his apartment to deal with it."

THAT IS WHEN THE FUSE LIT.

Apparently Sean lied to Jonathan where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing... as usual. I don't know exactly what the details are, and frankly i don't really care. All i do know, is that I stabbed Sean in the back, according to Sean. How i did that, I'm not quite sure. In fact, i asked his best friend Kipp how i did, and he swore to me that he was on my side, that i did nothing wrong, and he was just being drunk and acting a fool.

As the evening of wine continued with Kipp and his fag hag, Kipp started receiving multiple text messages from Sean, telling him to "keep me there." and that he was "coming over immediately". i think that he meant to seem menacing, but moments after he arrived, he was just appeared shiny and drunk... and it seemed that he didn't even realize i was there. Sean claims to love confrontation, but doesn't have the spine or attention span to actually initiate anything in person.

For instance, just two days ago, he was left alone with Josh Scott while we were smoking outside at Lime. everybody knows that Josh Scott was talking shit about Sean to Jonathan, fueling Jonathan's wild anxiety. However, while i was enjoying a cigarette and the company of our other guests outside on the deck, all Sean did was vapidly fill the silence with mindless chatter, as Josh Scott sweat out the awkward conversation, until we all returned. after Sean revealed to me later, that he had been waiting for Josh Scott to ignite a feud, during their alone time together, it became very clear to me what kind of person he was. Rather than a wolf in sheep's clothing waiting to attack, it was the opposite. He was a sheep inside a (very expensive) lion's wolf's clothing.

After about thirty minutes of Sean avoiding eye contact with me, and what felt like an eternity of his breeder boyfriend ranting about what an amazing president George Bush was, i finally decided that i was wasting my time, and that i was going to leave. I locked my gaze with Josh Scott, and we wordlessly agreed to make our exit. The last thing i remember from that evening was Sean trying to deal with breeder boy's inane republican monologue. I laughed at him as I left. Kipp was accused me of leaving because i was "uncomfortable", when in reality i was just bored at the anticlimactic evening. i thought that Sean was a worthy advisory, when in fact, he was a sheepish as his boyfriend.

It was then, when i realized how much i didn't care about my relationship with Sean. Yes, he has money, and cars, and is thin, with beautiful skin. But what does he REALLY have, that his money can't buy? At the end of the day, he's a sad, bored, scared, little boy who thinks that by controlling his friends and his boyfriend, he can create this "perfect" world, where the only people that get hurt, are the one's of his choosing. Well, that only works if you buy into his reality (pun intended). if you don't care, and see it for what it is, then it meaningless. I wish him good luck with his bubble.

... it's just I'm just not going to support someone who lies and cheats on their boyfriend (who happened to be a good friend of mine at the time), and thinks that it's okay. The fact that Jonathan chooses to be with someone like that, is flabbergasting. i thought that Jonathan had more self worth than that. it just breaks my heart to see Sean take advantage of someone who is clearly weaker than him. i can't support someone like that... I can't be friends with another Jimmy or Trev. it's poision.

"Push it baby, push it baby, outta control-"
Matty Beautiful

“Too Little, Too Late-”

The reality of people can be overwhelmingly predictable, and absolutely crushing. One second I’m a “worthless human being who will die alone,” and the next, I do something worth admiration, and every hateful person that I’ve EVER met, wants to be my best frienemy.

I sit here listening to Matt Kollar and the Angry Mob: Farewell Adventure, and I can’t help but to feel a little riled up! For the past week old friends have been coming out of the cracks in my life, pretending that they’re sorry… pretending that they give two shits about me. But of course, they want to be in my “Top 8” on myspace. The worst part is, is that it’s not just one or two people. DOZENS of people have started to read what I write, and see my portfolio, and learn of my life experiences, and now they have realized what they are missing out on.

“Matty. I don’t even know why we’re fighting. I mean, this is SO dumb. You’re off doing all these amazing things… and I just miss the times we had together.”

“Matt- I mean, Matty B., I am so sorry for the way I treated you in middle school. And in high school. And that time I saw you at that party. I shouldn’t have called you all those things.”

“I really miss you. I wish things were how they used to be. I saw your blog about starting over in California then I read all the other ones, and I miss you. Can we work something out?”

“There are special people out there, and you’re one of them. I always knew that about you. I’ve always loved you. Can we go get coffee or something? It was really wrong of me to leave you when I knew you needed someone. I shouldn’t have did or said those things. I’m sorry”

There is nothing harder for me, than sticking to my guns and reiterating to someone that I still do not, and never want to be close to them again. I am a very sentimental person, who is known for keeping movie ticket stubs, backstage passes, and old photographs, because everyday I’m thankful for the opportunities that I have had, as well as the wonderful times that I have had.

That’s where the lines become gray. I have had so many great times, that I try to forget about all of the bad ones… which from almost two decades of repressing bad memories, it’s become second nature. So when an old friend comes back to try and salvage the relationship that they have ruined between us, it’s easy for me to only remember the good. Suddenly, I’m back at square one: used and abused, cursing myself for making the poor decision to invest in an abusive relationship. If anyone really knew the extent of what I have gone through with people who I called my friends; my family, I would be overwhelmingly embarrassed, because I don’t want anyone to really know how bad at judging character I am. People always tell me I’m gullible, when really I just trust people. If someone tells me something, is it that far of a stretch to think that it’s true?

Well, I can’t afford to be that person anymore. My first few experiences in California consisted of meeting tons of amazing new people, from surfers to celebrities, which has proven to me that I am no longer living in a social cul-de-sac. Denver is a small fish bowl filled with sedated Beta fish, just waiting for someone to bump and provoke a civil war. I have been carefully floating, paying close attention to not rub anyone the wrong way (with the exception of extreme cases), in hopes that I’ll make it through alive.

You know what, everyone? You had your chance. You spent the past 15 years of my life making me MISERABLE, and now all of a sudden you care. Well, I forgive you, but we won’t ever be friends again. What can you do to make it up to me? You can treat the people that you currently have in your life with some love and respect. Because I don’t ever want anyone to feel the way I have, growing up. I’ve finally moved on. You should, too. In most cases, I loved what we had, and still love you. But frankly, I love ME more. Please stop pretending you have a heart, and actually figure out a way to grow one… because you’re not only dead on the inside, but you’re dead to me. I should have done this, years ago.

As of recent, I have been scooped from the bowl, and dropped in a pond. Yes, it’s a little dirtier, I have to find my own food, and the size can sometimes be a little daunting, but the opportunities in this new pond are endless! Not only for my career, but socially. There are so many other fish, not to mention other creatures and lifestyles. Plus, there’s the beach, or the mountains, or the city… wine bars, coffee shops, gyms, smoke shops, clubs, bars, concert halls, shopping, theater, opera, restaurants… the list goes on, and I want to experience it all. I’m going to experience it all… with new people in my life. However, on those lonely days, I’ll still have my ticket stubs and old photographs to remember the fish bowl.

Not to mention the very few people I can call my friends. It’s a small group, but they never want anything from me, but my love. And those are the people who I will remember, forever.

”I never knew a heart existed outside of make-believe.”
Matty Beautiful

“What’s The Name Of The Club? I Can’t Remember. But It’s Alright. Alright. Just Dance.”

The club was so loud that the ringing in my ears almost drowned out the music. I was surrounded by gorgeous, half naked men, breaking it down to Janet Jackson. If you think you’ve been to a nightclub before, you haven’t been to Tiger Heat Thursdays, in Hollywood. It was held at the the Avalon Theater, and was the size of a large concert hall, decked head to toe with VIP’S and beautiful people. Apparently it was the place to be on a Thursday night, and it definitely lived up to it’s reputation.

I wasn’t familiar with the layout of the the Avalon Theater, so I just felt my way out the side door, to enjoy a much deserved cigarette, after a very long set of dancing. I slinked out of a hidden door, and leaned against the cool, black, brick wall. I took a deep breath of the salty Californian air, closed my eyes, and soaked up my surroundings. After a moment or two, I dug into my pocket, attempting to find my cigarettes, and my very elusive lighter. Unsuccessful, I turned to my left, to ask the beautiful blonde woman standing next to me, for a light.

“Do you-“ I started

“Of course honey.” She finished before I could even get the sentence out of my mouth. She was clearly an experienced clubber, judging by her short blue dress, bare legs, and spiked neon blue heels.

She lit my cigarette for me, and said,” You know a lady never lights her own cigarette…”

My face dropped. “I ALWAYS say that!” I half-drunkenly exclaimed at her. We stood there and talked for a few minutes as we smoked our 100’s, and laughed at all the wasted, slutty, boys inside. She looked SO familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Before long her entourage was motioning for them to all go inside.

“I’m Matty B., by the way. I’m SO rude, that I forgot to introduce myself.” I reached out to shake her hand.

She laughed at me, and replied,” I’m Stefani.” I looked at her sideways, and raised my eyebrow at her. She ignored my hand completely, and leaned in to give be a big hug. She smelled like grapefruit and sugar, which I only remembered that because it’s my FAVORITE snack. As she pulled away, she whispered in my ear “ GaGa…” She winked at me, and waved as she walked inside (what I learned later was) the VIP door.

Thrilled and stunned at the same time, I flicked my cigarette out, and skipped back inside. Not moments later, the DJ cut the music and announced over the loud speaker,”Club Tiger Heat would like to welcome tonight’s honorary VIP: Lady GaGa!”. The crowd screamed and I quietly smiled to myself. While my friends were busy whoring and skanking, I was networking and meeting celebrities. I knew that it was an omen of what was to come.

Right then, I knew I had finally found where I belonged.

“I wish I could shut my playboy mouth!
Matty Beautiful

“California Here We Come-”

It was a very long night of drunken laughter and dancing with some of my closest friends, while canoodling with a couple different boys (who will remain nameless, per request of said boys). It all ended with a bang (literally for a couple lucky youngsters) when the police were called twice, which resulted with one of the house members being detained until a sober friend could come retrieve him from his drunken incessant rage. It was a night to write home about, to say the least. Unfortunately, I had a few too many cocktails, and was not acting as a lady should, so I cannot recall most events that occurred. Fortunate for us though, there’s a wonderful duo that ALWAYS reminds us of boozy indiscretions: digital cameras, and facebook. Thanks again, twenty first century!

I woke up the next morning remembering my flight to Orange County the following day. The beauty about quality liquor is that not only will you not necessarily cause you to throw up, but it will just kind of slosh around in your stomach until you consume enough food to soak it all up. As fate would have it, I am currently at the start of an insane yo-yo diet that consists of me only consuming 500 calories a day, only drinking alcohol twice a month, and working out four times a week (I have lost 16lbs in 5 weeks, thank you very much. I was getting a little heavy….). Needless to say, I had to take a break from my lunacy to rediscover what it felt like to sober. Not to mention, I not only reeking of liquor, but I smelled like each of the boys I had spent the evening with. I was a walking fragrance ad for every cologne sold at Sephora.

My last day in Colorado went by so quickly, I didn’t even have time to reflect about the previous evening. Before I knew it I was soaring miles in the air, and looking out a window onto an ocean made of cotton balls, being illuminated by a pure, golden sun; sparkling. Every so often there would be a hole in the wisps of clumpy cotton, and you could see the sharp, dry peaks below, being gently cradled by the afternoon sunlight. After about two hours of liquid flight, the pilot declared over the loud speaker, rudely interrupting the E! True Hollywood Story of Heidi Klum, that we were going to begin our descent into the Santa Ana airport. We slowly started to dip down towards the clouds, when I felt my heart drop. I was leaving everything and everyone that I knew behind. Everything that I have built, is in a different world, behind me: my family, failed relationships, failed friendships, successful friendships, and of course Brady (whom I can always count on to answer his phone).

This is it. I was finally starting down the path of ACTUALLY living my dreams! The plane delicately glided across the surface of the clouds, before it took a sharp dive, completely submerging it’s self. Outside every single window, was a sea of grey. The seatbelt sign flicked on with a crisp “ding”, only moments before we hit a rough patch of turbulence. A grin danced upon my face, as we flew through the ocean of fog. Panicked faces surrounded me, until about five minutes later, when we finally dipped out of the clouds. As I looked out of the window, my expression quickly changed. In an instant our roles had reversed, and I was the passenger with the panic-stricken expression. I expected golden beaches and lush green plants, spilling into the streets. What I saw was a grey, rainy, morose, California, desperately yearning for a little attention from the “famous” California sun. I quickly checked my attitude, knowing my face wasn’t hiding what I was thinking.

We landed, and hundreds of pushy, sweaty people started to force their way out of the cabin of the plane. I sat there politely (and SHOCKED), as the rest of the plane cursed their way out and into the real world. I looked over at Josh Scott, and half-smiled. Maybe this was like the turbulence. I had to remember: first impressions aren’t ALWAYS the impression to go with. I can’t remember how many terrible first impression’s I’ve left with people. I paused for a moment, and tried to remember that the rough patches just make the ride more fun.

I stepped out of the airport, holding my only possessions contained by my black Adidas messenger bag, that I ALWAYS have with me. A cool breeze ran through my hair, brushing it out of my eyes, before I had the opportunity to do so myself. I told Josh Scott to sit down and put on his headphones, as I slipped on mine, and scrolled to “California” by Phantom Planet. For a good five years, I’ve been listening to that song every time I wanted to escape my dull, land locked life. It was my little oasis that temporarily relieved me from my epic journey through a cultural desert. Actually listening to it IN California, not only made perfect sense, but it also eased the blow that California wasn’t exactly what I had expected.

A few minutes, two cigarettes, and a VERY large hug from a Palm Tree (I had NEVER seen one!) later, I started to feel a little more comfortable. I knew that it was just an off day, and I wasn’t just going to fly directly into a dream world that I’ve been fantasizing about for over a decade. Nope, that would be too easy… and I’m sure as you know by now, nothing comes to me that easy. In fact, I usually have to work my ass off, to even get a little karmatic gratification. My phone started to ring and vibrate in my pocket. I slid my hand into it, and pressed down on a side button, to silence it. I’m starting a new year and a new life. I am going to do this right. I’m ready to finally start fulfilling my destiny.

I walked over to an ash tray and pressed my cigarette butt hard into the sand, and turned to Josh Scott. I smiled at him, as I pulled my hood up, shielding me from the gentle dusting of rain.

“What do I do, now?” I asked.

“ If you like it, then you should’a put a ring on it…”
XXO,
Beautiful

“Your Words Don’t Stick. I ‘aint Perfect, But You ‘aint Either”

I realized I had made a huge mistake by inviting him, the second he started to get comfortable with everyone at the party.

It all started innocently enough. The ‘Big Gay House’ was packed with fabulous gorgeous boys, bouncing and dancing to Britney’s new album. We were all playing beer pong in one room, taking shots in the kitchen, making out in the stairwell, and smoking outside, all at once, all in a loud, colorful blur.

Jimmy was clearly out of his element; he was in a city he never came to, in a house full of gay men that he had never met. It was only natural for him to feel a little bit awkward or out of place for a while, until he warmed up to everyone. I of course did the best friend duty all night long: I introduced him to everyone, made sure his drink was always full, and smoked with him whenever he needed one-on-one time. That’s when the evening took a turn for the worse.

I am very good about not letting anyone get me down. If I have a moment of weakness, I am EVEN BETTER at hiding it. The last time I was comfortable enough to boldly show anyone my character flaws, we stopped being friends, and he moved in with a man who not only has an immense distaste for me, but actively tries to fuck my life. To say the least, that relationship yielded.

“You know how much Kyle means to me. Not only is he kind-hearted and genuine, but he’s a virgin, and you CAN’T just fuck him. I won’t allow it,” I said simply, crossing my arms. “He’s looking for someone who he can trust and be with, and not to just a hookup. You have to be… gentle when it comes to Kyle. He means a lot to me.”

“Matty B., we are both adults. If I want to fuck him, I’m going to. He can make that decision on his own, with out you butting in. I’ll fuck who I want, when I want, regardless of what you have to say about it-”

“You’re acting like the type of person that Kyle will see right through, and would never be with, just so you know.” I replied as I shifted my weight from one leg to the other and snapped at him.

I was right.

It was almost two am. We had been fighting off and on, all night long, a different issue each time. He had been yelling at me for about two and a half cigarettes, (I was going to guess about 25 minutes or so) when I felt our friendship start to die.

The cold enveloped my body like ice water, but I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t even hear the hateful things that Jimmy was drunkenly slurring six inches in my face. I could see the small bits of spit flying out of his mouth, and wondered if any of it was landing on my makeup. I was completely numb to him. The world was silent, and in slow motion. Each one of his words were slowly sculpted by his lips; foam colleting in the corners. It was like watching the tides of the ocean rush in, and slide out… rush in, and slide out. It was calming, which resulted in a small smile. This sent him into another fit of rage.

Time passed, and soon the ocean of words that were pouring from his mouth, became boring and repetitive. I slowly turned my back to him to walk inside, dismissing him, when he grabbed my arm with a maliciously firm grasp. Suddenly the world hit play, and the volume of his words were being blasted in my face. It was GO time.

I whipped my head around in a brunette flourish, and was looming over him, my eyes large, and body firm, my words soft and precise.

“What are you going to do Jimmy? Hit me? Do it. I’ve been hit before, and it wouldn’t surprise me that you would resort to violence, when things aren’t going your way.”

I ripped my arm out of his hand. He was clearly startled, and hadn’t expected me to be so convincing, so honest. He quickly recovered, and leaned in close to my face, attempting to regain what he thought was the alpha position. What he didn’t understand was that he never had that position. I allowed him to feel like he did, so as to not to tempt his drunken aggression.

You see, Jimmy is a very emotional and aggressive drunk. Everybody knows it, especially me. I usually know how to keep a handle on the situation, but tonight, I didn’t care. I am usually a little apprehensive when I’m with him, because he can be so unpredictable when he drinks. Tonight, I didn’t care what he did. He crossed many lines, and he had to know.

“You think I would hit you Matty? You think I would actually fuckin’ do that? You think I would?”

“You’re an inch from my face, aren’t you?” I replied curtly.

“I can’t believe that you would think that. After everything I’ve done. After all this time, you think that of me,” he yelled into my face, continuously spitting all over my makeup.

After one sentence from me, the world had gone silent again. Jimmy was back to being the star of this independent teen-angst film. I was just a filler-role, fulfilling my brief one liner, before he could continue his monotonous monologue. It was exhausting. I looked down at him, directly in the eyes. I looked past his clothes, past his words, and into his heart.

“Matty! You never let anyone in! How do you expect anyone to love you if you can’t ever let down your wall for a fucking second? No relationship you are ever going have is going to work! What? Are you jealous that I’ve fucked Zach and Asia, but not you? What is it? What the fuck is your problem? No wonder it didn’t work with Scott, or Nama, or John.. should I continue?”

I looked away from him. Cold tears crept down my hot cheeks, slowly at first, and then faster until it was a thin, steady flow. What he didn’t understand was that I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t upset that he was calling me out on all my failed relationships. I know I’m not perfect. I can’t even explain what exactly I was feeling. I wasn’t emotional at all.

I had come to the overwhelming realization at that moment, that he didn’t get it. He was witnessing my heart break, right before his eyes. I came to the cold, hard realization that he wasn’t my friend, and he wouldn’t ever be. I thought that after all the shit we had been through, he would be the one I could honestly call my friend. In that instant, after hearing the words that came out of his mouth, I decided that it was over. After all of the sculpting, culturing, and hard work of developing him into this amazing person that I would be proud to call my BFF, it had ended with a tear. He was a lost cause. And even I couldn’t do anything about that.

I smiled at him, and rubbed his shoulder. It wasn’t his fault. He just wasn’t the one. He has put me through some tough shit over this past year, and I thought we had gotten past all of it, but he never learned. More importantly, he didn’t even realize what he was doing, or that treating your friends like a disposable Kleenex was wrong. I winked off the tears, and took a deep breath. I was going to have to start all over with someone else. At least I realized it now, and not in five years, when I’d have really grown attached.

I flew up the stairs and into the bathroom. Before anyone could even get up the stairs, I was already descending down them, my face completely flawless again, with a white smile, and a cocktail.

My new friend Bay, whom I had met earlier that night, came over to me a few minutes later.

“Hey Matty, are you alright? He was looking pretty bossy out there,” referring to the hour long feud that had taken place out back, on the other side of two very large (and very transparent) sliding glass doors.

“Nothing a little MAC can’t fix, right?” I replied with a painful smile.

“Lets go have a drink, Beautiful.” He smiled, as he wrapped his arm around me and led me to the kitchen, where I gracefully maneuvered around where someone had thrown up earlier that night.

“I couldn’t agree with you more!”

I truly believed that Jimmy was going to be the one I could talk to, the one I could be honest to. After months and months of ground work with him, I thought he would turn out to be a decent guy. As of now, I was wrong. Who knows what the future will hold. Unfortunately with him, I’m not optimistic.

”What hurts the most, is being so close.”
Matty B.