"I Hate This Part Right Here. I Can't Take It Any Longer. Thought That We Were Stronger-"
I lied there with my eyes open, staring directly at the ceiling, not quite understanding what was going through his head. Part of me just wanted to jump on top of Josh, and shake the some sense into him. I haven't had someone so actively hate on me in a very long time... not since the boys in high school physically beating me into unconsciousness, that is. Jonathan spent the past 72 hours actively hate-crimeing me, and I spent it realizing how much i really affected him. It became very clear to me that night that he cannot accept the things that he has done, and that he is embarrassed of his behavior, as anyone should be. instead of apologizing like a sane human being, he tries to tear me down, and sink me all the way to his level, incessantly trying to get a rise, a reaction, anything. Well, i react with the truth.
Nothing Jonathan could ever say or do, would ever hurt me. It doesn't hurt when i have complete strangers come up to me, asking what i did to piss Jonathan off so much for him to spread venomous lies about me. It doesn't hurt standing in a club, having him call me a 'fat tranny'. It doesn't hurt when he throws food at me, as i ignore his antagonistic advances. Someone only has as much power as you give them, and I know that. What kills me, is that one of the only people that i can semi-trust, isn't loyal to me in the one time i need him to be. At the diner Josh wanted me to throw down with Jonathan. Today Josh wants to "give him a chance." After a few moments to soak it in, i knew exactly why the change of heart.
"You do know exactly what he's doing, right? The last time he tried to go out, we told the people he was going to hang out with what really happened between us, and they blew him off and come chill with us. So what does he do? He followed us all over Denver on Thursday, from Mary's, to Tracks, and then finally to Denver diner, screaming profanities at me, calling me a 'tranny whore'. Then when i don't respond to his vapid attempts to ruin my night, he throws FOOD at the back of my head, as i leave. That is the person YOU want to give a chance to?"
"Matty, he told me that he wasn't yelling at me, and that he didn't mean for the food to hit me. He was just screaming at you, and that the food was meant to hit you, not me. See? He only hates you, and was only trying to hurt you. I'm not going to choose sides between you two."
"Joshua, you already chose a side. when he called you a slut and a whore, and you called him a drugged out rat face, you chose your side. When you said that you were here for me, you chose a side. And now you see how low he'll stoop, and you're scared of him. You think that he'll turn his attention and hate towards you, once he grows bored with me not reacting to his elementary behavior. You're actually scared of him!"
"Am not! Matty! It's just that i'm not always going to have you there with me. Sometimes, i'm going to go out alone...-"
"...and you're not going to have me to protect you. That is just beautiful, Joshua. You're scared that you're not going to have me there to protect you and fight your battles for you. What about all the shit you've talked about him? What about all the shit he talks about you? You think that's just going to stop? If you do, you are in for a RUDE fucking awakening. This is a joke. i refuse to speak about this matter anymore. You're going to do what you're going to do, and i apparently it doesn't matter to you what my feelings on the matter are."
"...are you mad at me?"
"I'm fucking furious. but even more than that, i am SO disappointed in you. i'm not saying that you have to dislike him because i do. you're letting a dog walk and shit all over you, and you're letting him know that his actions are acceptable behavior! You're acting in COMPLETE cowardice right now. You're being SO fake, it blows my mind. I am so repulsed with your decision, you can't even comprehend."
"...you love me though."
"I try really hard to, but i swear to god, it's one flaming hoop after the other, that you FORCE me to jump through. i have never worked so hard to be someone's friend. I swear to jesus christ on the fucking cross you really push me to the fucking limit."
"I don't want you mad at me!"
"..and i want you to have morals and a backbone. since neither aren't going to happen, i guess we'll both have to get used to it, and deal."
I rolled over, looked across my room, and out the window. Since when did friendships become so hard? Since when did i have to take moments to collect myself, and attempt to reaffirm the reasonings behind my friendships. Since when did having basic human relationships become so hard?
"You don't tell anyone anything, Matty. I don't know anything about you. How is it fair that you know everything about everyone, but no one knows anything about you? It's hardly a way to live life."
Josh isn't the first person to say that to me.
"Because there are people out there who have nothing better to do than try and tear down other people, to make them feel better about themselves. People out there who call me a coke head to disguise their own drug addiction. People out there who call me an attention whore, because they feel alone, and think that bad mouthing me will bring them the attention they so desperately desire. People who call me a fat tranny because they are insecure with their own weight, and the fact that they wear makeup as well. I'm honest about WHO I am, and that scares people. I have yet to meet anyone that loves Matty Beautifiul, and Matthew Monahan. And until i can look into someone's eyes and see their sincerity, i don't feel obliged to share anything about Matthew. Trust isn't a right, it's a privilege."
I would be lying if i said that when people talk shit about me, it doesn't hurt. Who wants to have people publicly try and tear them apart? I sure as hell don't. It doesn't however, sway me from rising above it, and continuing to be who i am: a strong, independant person, who will always be honest with the world. Because that is my freedom. If asked ANY direct question, i will ALWAYS answer with honesty, without shame or regret. I right the wrongs that i've done, and I'll be the first person to do so. It takes great character and humility to do that.
I was watching the Coco Chanel movie (for the millionth time), and possibly my favorite quote of hers, that also happens to be my newly adopted life mantra is: "To be irreplaceable, you must be different." She is completely right. I'm not like anyone i know, and although i'm a diamond in the rough, i'm still a diamond all the while. If i deserve punishment for that, then so be it. I've been beat down harder and longer, and have walked away from it... as did she. She was the CREATOR of androgyny, and influenced the entire world with her artistic vision. The few friends she had, as she said, "were only friends because they wanted something." I've experienced that now, more than ever, and like she did, I have accepted it.
I'm not going to say "I hope he makes the right decision", insinuating for Josh to choose me, over his friendship with Jonathan. What i honestly want for him is that he finds what he's looking for. He says that he feels like he's on a leash. Well, to some degree that's true.
Just like i did for Jonathan, i do for Josh, and all of my friends: when he is frumpy and dirty, i give him a hot shower, and clean clothes to wear. When he hates his most recent booty call, and he has no where to go, he comes and sleeps in my bed. when he is lonely and sad, i tell him that i'm always here for him. When he feels ugly, i make him beautiful: from his hair, to his face, to his clothes. when he has pissed off all of his friends, and has none, i introduce him to mine. when he wrongs someone, i do everything in my power to help him make it right.
Will jonathan do that for him? I doubt it. but if he thinks that he can drive all on his own, then i will let him. He told me last night that I "need a friend that is up on my level". Well maybe that's true. It would be wonderful to be friends with someone who is as socially ambitious as i am. If not at the very least, someone who can handle four-wheeling the rocky road, that is my life. Four wheeling through the social scene is way more fun than coasting through it, anyways! Tossled and disheveled is totally in, right now. who doesn't love a little wind blown hair, and a slightly disjointed look? I know i do, and girl, I work it out! Because that's was a diva does. she takes what she has to work with, and works it out. Would you expect anything less of me?
Matty Beautiful
