If You Have The Choice To Sit It Out, Or Dance, I Hope You Dance.

I just got off the the phone with my mother.
She insists that come visit her.
She thinks i'm never going to come back.

And she most definatly could be right.

FIDM? Fuck that
Matty B.

Carry On.

Part of me is wondering what's so great about Colorado.
I mean, i have my family.
And the security of knowing that if i'm going to fall on my face,
I have an intimate few people that will catch me.

However,
I've been living on my own for almost two years.
I've created a life where i haven't been dependant on anyone.
Not financially,
Not emotionally,
Not sexually.

I can count on one hand, the amount of people that give two shits about me.
Moreover, I can count on one hand, who I give two shits about.

At this point,
It's not about fans.
It's not about Frenemies,
It's not about my family,
Hell, it's not even about friends.

It's about me.
And it's about the people that complete me.
And there's only one person in the whole world that would do that.
Through thick, thin, and ugly.

I need to get out of here.
People are mean and horrible.
Ugly and distasteful.

I need to live.
Because the "life", the "freinds", hell, the "family" I have now, is a joke.
A SAD SAD excuse.

Today is, where your book begins.
Matty B.

This Ain't A Scene, It's A God Damn Arms Race!

Things have really been unpredictable lately.
I'm leaving for New York City in 3 Days.

I'm nervous.
Because..
I'll never come back.

That wouldn't be so bad..
Matty B.

C-A-L-L-I-N-G Now, I'm Calling You [ooh-ooh], Calling You Now!

Things with Eric and I haven't been greater.
I really think that our friendship is blossoming into something fantastic.
I spent the previous weekend at his house,
and it was just so nice to relax,
watch movies,
hang out,
myspace... It was great.

I feel that whenever i'm around him,
I feel attractive.
And by that i mean i have a reason to look good.
We just always do.
Plus he's so supportive about going to meetings,
And comes with me.
We're just so good together.

Why anybody would do something to tarnish a friendship with him, is beyond me.
Did I just say that?
Matty B.

Then I See You Standing There, Wanting More From Me. And All I Can Do Is Try.

People can be surprizing sometimes.
People you think are your friends, can actually be shady and discontent.. and you're none the wiser.

I found myself in a bit of a predictament this morning. People i thought were my friends were talking about me behind my back. Usually, I'm used to things like that. But real friends? I thought it was more than that.
Okay. I got a little presumptuous. However, if we were the close friends i thought we were, wouldn't you want to me to come to the club every week?

You see i have a problem. I have a problem understanding the level of friendship. To me, friendship is commitment, trust, honesty, and basically an over all liking of the person. And if i like someone, i want to hang out with them. Hahaha but that's just me.

Apparently I invite myself along.

Well, now you don't have to worry about that, now do you.
And I thought frenemies were just in the movies...
Matty B.

If Heaven And Hell Decide, That They Both Are Satisfied.

I think I just need some affirmation that I'm not completely disgusting.

that would be great.
Kthanks

How may I direct your call?
Matty B.

Valentines Day. National Singles Awareness Day.

I meander down the street.
The snows is falling delicately,
And gently resting on my shoulders,
And crowning my head.
A slow, steady stream of smoke
Seeps from my lips.
I sit there,
One hand holding a cigarette,
The other holding my iPod.
My P-coat is tightly buttoned around me,
And I look around; hopeful.
The city is busy around me,
And I take it all in.
Couples are everywhere;
Holding hands,
Kissing,
snuggling,
loving.
Brandy sings a reminder in my ear:
You tried.
I feel my stomach drop,
And I’m back to wondering:
What if trying my best isn’t enough?
When is enough, enough?
Every guy that I have been with in the past year,
I have given my 100% to.
For two people in particular,
110%.
Things are so frustrating!
What the fuck?!
I don’t demand anything.
I hardly even ask.
Is it so wrong to ask for an investment?
If I’m putting my eggs in a basket,
Shouldn’t you help me carry it?
The worst part is,
Is it’s not me.
There for, it’s out of my control.
I need to find I new way.
Find a new way to dance.

I wanna see you do something for me, for ONCE.
Matty B.

The Slant.

I haven’t been dreaming.
I lie there silent, unmoving.
The room is completely dark,
Traced by deep cherry oak finishing’s.
It’s cold,
The air is still,
Only moved slightly by the teetering ceiling fan,
Spinning in a sickening repetition.
The room is parched,
And my lips are cracked.
My eyes creak open,
Painful and forced.
My body feels like a worn ship,
Set out on a torrent of emptiness and turmoil.
First mate?
There is no first mate.
This is an empty voyage
Sailing to an unimportant destination.
Every night I drown myself in a sea of sleep,
Aided by my plentiful supply of sedatives.
Three will give me 6 hours,
Four will give me ten.
If I take more than 5,
I can muffle the entire weekend.
I’m wide awake now,
Eyes dry and red.
I’ve been sleeping,
But I haven’t felt rested in months.
My bones creak as I surface.
I take in my first breath of air.
The raging waters calm,
I focus my eyes.
And I wonder,
Is this the dream?

Sometimes Numb Is The Only Way To Get Through It
Matty B.

These Words Are My Own

The city let out a long needed sigh, today.
I stepped out of my brownstone apartment this morning,
And as I walked down the well-worn street,
I felt a rush of exasperation blow past me,
Rustling bits of trash,
Stirring scarves,
Jostling hair.
I brush my bangs out of my face,
And loosen my jacket a bit.
The clean, crisp, warm air
wakes me from a cold, blind winter.
I feel a smile peek out of my mouth,
And I look up, taking in the beautiful morning.
I look back down,
And I grin to myself.
Today is going to be a good day.
It’s the first of many.
I can feel it.

No longer.. unreachable.
Matty B.

Cause I Will Be Your Safety

This weekend blew by like I whirlwind.
I started with Friday night drinking with Big Red and MissJK.
It was so much fun to see those girls again,
I always had so much fun with them.
I had one of the BEST nights of my life,
Which was followed by the WORST hangover ever.
Followed by an apology telephone call to Mr.OZ.
The girls told me that I was drunk calling him,
And talking to him,
While laying on my bathroom floor.
His boyfriend didn’t enjoy the things I had to say,
So the little PocketBitch [Volume 2]
Emailed me,
Saying he’s fed up with me,
Blah blah.
Too bad he doesn’t know that everyone hates him.

The girls and Angel came over to my apartment Saturday night.
They got wasted and I DD.
It wasn’t all bad,
But it was followed by Angel storming out in the middle of the night,
And MissMoney crying in my bed.
Things were really crazy this weekend.
I just want to sleep it off.

I don’t think I’ve ever needed to et laid so much in my life.
I swear to god, I need to get fucked so badly It would be with almost anyone.
G’ah!

*sigh*

What the hell?!
Matty B.