“Too Little, Too Late-”
The reality of people can be overwhelmingly predictable, and absolutely crushing. One second I’m a “worthless human being who will die alone,” and the next, I do something worth admiration, and every hateful person that I’ve EVER met, wants to be my best frienemy.
I sit here listening to Matt Kollar and the Angry Mob: Farewell Adventure, and I can’t help but to feel a little riled up! For the past week old friends have been coming out of the cracks in my life, pretending that they’re sorry… pretending that they give two shits about me. But of course, they want to be in my “Top 8” on myspace. The worst part is, is that it’s not just one or two people. DOZENS of people have started to read what I write, and see my portfolio, and learn of my life experiences, and now they have realized what they are missing out on.
“Matty. I don’t even know why we’re fighting. I mean, this is SO dumb. You’re off doing all these amazing things… and I just miss the times we had together.”
“Matt- I mean, Matty B., I am so sorry for the way I treated you in middle school. And in high school. And that time I saw you at that party. I shouldn’t have called you all those things.”
“I really miss you. I wish things were how they used to be. I saw your blog about starting over in California then I read all the other ones, and I miss you. Can we work something out?”
“There are special people out there, and you’re one of them. I always knew that about you. I’ve always loved you. Can we go get coffee or something? It was really wrong of me to leave you when I knew you needed someone. I shouldn’t have did or said those things. I’m sorry”
There is nothing harder for me, than sticking to my guns and reiterating to someone that I still do not, and never want to be close to them again. I am a very sentimental person, who is known for keeping movie ticket stubs, backstage passes, and old photographs, because everyday I’m thankful for the opportunities that I have had, as well as the wonderful times that I have had.
That’s where the lines become gray. I have had so many great times, that I try to forget about all of the bad ones… which from almost two decades of repressing bad memories, it’s become second nature. So when an old friend comes back to try and salvage the relationship that they have ruined between us, it’s easy for me to only remember the good. Suddenly, I’m back at square one: used and abused, cursing myself for making the poor decision to invest in an abusive relationship. If anyone really knew the extent of what I have gone through with people who I called my friends; my family, I would be overwhelmingly embarrassed, because I don’t want anyone to really know how bad at judging character I am. People always tell me I’m gullible, when really I just trust people. If someone tells me something, is it that far of a stretch to think that it’s true?
Well, I can’t afford to be that person anymore. My first few experiences in California consisted of meeting tons of amazing new people, from surfers to celebrities, which has proven to me that I am no longer living in a social cul-de-sac. Denver is a small fish bowl filled with sedated Beta fish, just waiting for someone to bump and provoke a civil war. I have been carefully floating, paying close attention to not rub anyone the wrong way (with the exception of extreme cases), in hopes that I’ll make it through alive.
You know what, everyone? You had your chance. You spent the past 15 years of my life making me MISERABLE, and now all of a sudden you care. Well, I forgive you, but we won’t ever be friends again. What can you do to make it up to me? You can treat the people that you currently have in your life with some love and respect. Because I don’t ever want anyone to feel the way I have, growing up. I’ve finally moved on. You should, too. In most cases, I loved what we had, and still love you. But frankly, I love ME more. Please stop pretending you have a heart, and actually figure out a way to grow one… because you’re not only dead on the inside, but you’re dead to me. I should have done this, years ago.
As of recent, I have been scooped from the bowl, and dropped in a pond. Yes, it’s a little dirtier, I have to find my own food, and the size can sometimes be a little daunting, but the opportunities in this new pond are endless! Not only for my career, but socially. There are so many other fish, not to mention other creatures and lifestyles. Plus, there’s the beach, or the mountains, or the city… wine bars, coffee shops, gyms, smoke shops, clubs, bars, concert halls, shopping, theater, opera, restaurants… the list goes on, and I want to experience it all. I’m going to experience it all… with new people in my life. However, on those lonely days, I’ll still have my ticket stubs and old photographs to remember the fish bowl.
Not to mention the very few people I can call my friends. It’s a small group, but they never want anything from me, but my love. And those are the people who I will remember, forever.
Matty Beautiful
