Hold Me Tonight, Hold Me So Tight
Feeling of the moment: Ecstacy

Today Angel came and picked up Miss Business, Girlfriend, and I.
We dropped off Miss Business, because A.)She's gounded and B.)Had to work.

It's this first time in a few weeks that i've seen Angel.
At first, it was a little akward,
because of how mean and heartless I was,
but after the afternoon progressed into evening,
things loosened up.
LET ME CORRECT MYSELF:
I loosened up.

We went to chipoltle, and talked for hours,
then we proceeded to head over to target to get supplies for BRAINWASH II.
As we left, I ran into Kate, and invited her a long for the ride.
After working out at home,
We headed to Boulder and met up with (we'll call her) MizMatch.
She is FANTASTIC.
Hilarious.
Lifted my spirits,
and she ran into kate, as well.
they don't really get along,
she's not really the working out type.
HOWEVER,
she was on the DL.

We decided to go to a "Dance Party" at CU campus commons.
It was a blast.
I was blind in ecstacy,
and i got to meet a lot of AMAZING cool (hetero) guys!
(YAY! I didn't get beat up)
Suddenly, I run into (we'll call her) MissWaaaaaa!
GOD SHE IS FAB.
We decided to become really good friends.
We danced the night away,
bumpin', grindin', fellin' all over.
SEXY.

towards the end of the night (after my 1,000,000,000th trip to the bathroom)
a circle cleared up, and everone was watching the break dancer in the middle.
EVERYONE.
he fell over,
and i took a leap of faith:
over the breaker,
and into the middle of the circle.

i've never worked it that hard.
EVERYONE was cheering.
even the straight guys.
and this black booty made it's biggest appearance ever.

it was amazing.
things are coming together.

i think we'll all be alright.
Like an angel in the sky
Matty B.

Razor Sharp, Razor Clean, Use This Weapon Sensation

Mr.OZ made me smile today.
and that hasn't happened in a very long time.

I'm gonna FUCK up your EGO
Matty B.

Hello Little Boys, Little Toys

Dater #4 (aka Mr.DejaVu) is taking me to the Shiny Toy Guns concert on saturday.
It will be fun, i always have a blast with him.

Too bad he has mono.

We're gonna dance on fire
Matty B.

Fucking Cunt

I've been mean.
I'm done now.

Things can go back to "normal"

<3
You just get mad, that i can swallow more cum than they can
Matty B.

Maybe There's Beauty In Goodbye?

Miss Business and I are fighting because she's being a bitch wit hthe whol "Angel"Situation.

You push me away,
then pull me back in,
you can tell me that you love me,
but i can't tell you?

I'm just confused.
maybe confusion is part of the fun.

Maybe i'm wrong.
It's just gone too far,
i don't know where we are..
nobody wins.

I want a conversation, but you don't know me at all
Matty B.

Fast Web... Is REALLY slow

Dater #3 Is this afternoon.
Lets cross our fingers, and hope that there aern't Llamas or Organized religion, like the first two.

If You Want My Body, And You Think I'm Sexy, Come On Baby Let Me Know-"
Matty B.

Subtle CPR to A Not So Subtle Break Up

"Hey Matty! Love your Senior Pic By The Way, you're eyes are GORGEOUS. Anywhoo, I saw [MR.OZ] the other day! Was He here to see you! That's SO cute. I wish my boyfriend would come see me at school, Hahahahaha, Man, you're so lucky. Well, Gotta run to class! Love you! OH! Text me if you want to hang out this weekend!"

"Matty! So I need some help in Photo. Do yuo think you could help me with the red? I just can't seem to find the right "tween" you know? Oh! I saw [MR.OZ] the other day! wasn't it nice of him to come visit you at school? I heard that he brought you lunch. Cute. See you fourth!"

[JUST AN FYI TO ALL MY LOYAL READERS]


MR.OZ AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER.

I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS.

STOP WISHING.

STOP CARING.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

I'm VERY VERY VERY SINGLE.


And in the oh so kind words of Mr.Choir [And yes, he prepared me for them]


MR.OZ AND I WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER.



Please let the dead horse die.
I've done everything in my power to get back together with him for 3 months.
Clearly HE doesn't want it to happen.

Plus,
after takling to him,
He's not a person that I would date anyways.
He's dead.
His soul is rotten, and his mind is lost.
From his myspace,
He's become so cynical and heartless,
that apparently he's going to hell for many different reasons.
It makes me pity the lost carcass that he calls his life.

He's not even a reject-fag that i MIGHT spend a MOMENT talking to.
He's a reject that i'd make fun of, and laugh at.

No REGRETS, Right? Cut Hard, Cut Deep, But Always Be Honest. You Know You Love Me
Matty B.

You Know There's A Message

Angel texted me theh other day, telling me to sleep well.
That's basically the extent of our communication.
I told him that I will go to BrainWash with him,
But i don't think that i'll be talking to him anytime soon.

It's just, I really don't see a reason.
I mean, I don't have feelings for him at the moment,
but when i see him,
who's to tell if i will or won't, you know?

I think it's like this:
I told Angel to punch me really hard one day, like a week ago.
It didn't leave a visable bruise,
HOWEVER, when you put your finger on the spot where he hit me,
it HURTS LIEK THE APOCOLYPSE.

I think that this situation is like my bruise:
I asked for it.
And eventhought there isn't a visable bruise,
It still hurts like fuck to think about.

So maybe when the bruise goes away,
I'll talk to him again.

..Lets hope he didn't punch me TOO TOO hard.
Random Metaphors, Lollypop SMACKING!
Matty B.

"Give Me A Reason.. To Start This Discussion-"

Ha.
Sometimes,
Things don't work out.

Sometimes,
People feel hurt.

Sometimes,
I lead people on.

Sometimes,
I get led on.

Sometimes,
You lie.

Sometimes,
You're honest.

Frankly,
I don't have the time or energy to differentiate between the two.

And Frankly,
I don't need you judging me.

I already have 750 "friends" on myspace doing that.

You Can't Have Your Cake, Eat It Then Throw It Up, And Expect It To Look And Taste The Same.
Matty B.

Honesty Overdose

I got home at 6:15 am this morning.
When i stumbled out of the passenger-side door,
i steadied myself on the smooth, cold garage wall,
and i traced my history back to the door leading inside.
I daintily stepped around the two ash trays, and six bags of trash,
and hopped up into my frigid home.
Winter air swirling all around me,
it greets me with an unwelcoming blow to the face.
I wabble over to the window
and close it with a forceful, yet satisfying click.
Now the room being vapid and empty,
i felt the room wane in towards me,
and i immidiately drop to the floor, laughing histerically.
I dug my fingernails into the cheap wallmart-quality carpet,
and roll around in the snow-chilled floor.
I'm standing at my mirror.
Wait- What?
IN a blink of an eye,
it staring at myself in the mirror,
examining every perfection; every flaw.
i turn on my shower,
and pull a warm towel out of my closet.
i suck in my stomach,
and all of my clothes slide off my body,
effortlessly,
painfully.
then suddenly i'm looking at the delicate frame of my body.
and i can't see it.
i can only see what i'm letting myself see.
I open my mouth and let the hot water cascade all over my body.
wait-what?
instantly in sitting at the bottom of my shower,
feeling the water beat upon my head.
i open my eyes,
and all i see is red.
crimsion hatred pours from my wrists,
but not as much as what coming out of my nose.
I'm numb.
I'm numb.
I'm numb.
I'm numb.
I'm ugly and i'm numb.
And it makes this bitch fierce.
I nuzzle ddown into my cold blankets,
and instantly,
it's the next afternoon.

You know you want to be me
Matty B.

I Follow With My Eyes 'Till They Crash

The smoke burned my eyes.
I sat in the car,
the cold leather branding me; bitch.
the stereo cradled what little emotions i could feel,
and attempted to nurse a tear from my eye.
The smoke burned my eyes.
Appendages numb from emotion,
numb from the frigid night,
i slid out the door,
and headed inside.
My fleshy hand grasped the icy door knob,
and i looked back at you.
In a beat,
I'm lying in your bed.
I'm cocooned inside hundreds of comforters,
but my body is mirroring my soul,
and i'm radiating frigid emptyness.
My eyes are closed;
searching for an answer,
Prentending to not be there,
pretending to not think.
pretending i can deal,
pretending i'm okay.
pretending to be alive.
pretending to be dead.
My mind is chaotic,
using, abusing, over analizing thoughts,
over thinking,
overloading.
hours go by and i don't even look at you.
i don't even touch you.
I'm lying on the edge,
because the last thing i want to do is make you uncomfortable,
uneasy.
even if it makes me uneasy, uncomfortable, unwanted.
it's okay.
it'll be okay.
i'm okay?
i'm fine?
then in a blind fury, it's black.

my eyes open,
and i see myselfholding him.
I jut away,
snapping my arm back,
because all i do is fucking things up.
if he wanted to be close, he'd hold me.
if he wanted-
and i'm out again.

I wake, and find myslf writing a blog, getting dressed
and getting out.

Safe, Sure, Whatever
Matty B.

6 quilts and I'm still cold as stone

I woke up a few times,
and i had my arm around him.

so i immidiately took it off, and skooted away.

he didn't so much as touch me.

wait-he did elbow me in the back.

damn
The russian's here, and in the mean time, you know exactly how i act, you know.
Matty B.

when the going gets rough...


Girlfriend emailed me.

"i don't leave people i love.
you are special to me because you wake up at 3 am so i can sit on your lap and cry about my miniscule problems.
you hold my hand when we walk all the way home from school in million degree weather.
you hold me all night so i won't fall off the bed even though i am sweating all over you and making you sweaty and even though i know you would rather be cuddling with the one on the other side of you.
you like me enough to let me meet your amazing roommates.
you take 35 minute breaks from work just because you appreciate us coming down just to say hi.
you try your best to make me feel like i am pretty."

we're very similar.
that's why i love this girl.

maybe that's why i love her (x) boyfriend.

What's Going On?!
Matty B.

Think Twice

I keep punishing myself.
I keep putting myself in situations where i think that my dreams can come true.
wrong.
Wrong.
WRONG.
WRONG!


i just feel.. vapid and empty. for some reason, i feel a spark, i feel... a little light of hope, and i try to force everything i can out of it, until it is just a little ball of crumpled up dreams in the gutter that is my consious mind.

i need to grow up.

i need ot be realistic.

but when i kiss him...
..it feels like home.

Thinner, skinnier, dirtier, gothier, grungier, sexier-
Matty B.

Everybody Wants To Be Hollywood

I was packing heat as i entered the school today.
Armed with cutting edge looks,
cocking my head slightly to the left and laughing,
when i heard the GROMITS spreading their rumors about me.

I pulled out my weapon of choice:
an added a half smile to my wicked, yet gracefully arched eyebrow,
while i floated past a notorious group of hetero seniors.
I could feel their eyes roam my body,
up and down my legs,
over my smoothe chest,
running through my hair.
They wrapped their lustful thoughts around me,
to replace the longing of wanting to be close to this unattainable.

Turning up my "MONEY, SUCCESS, FAME, GLAMOUR-"
The pulse of hatred and lust just fuled my sheilded strut.

I slid out from behind my Aldo sunglasses,
revealing my wise yet veaunerable eyes.
Flashing with strength and pride,
he sees a softness to them.
A boy-turning man looks up from his group of testosterone,
and i steal his gaze, while silently seducing him.
His "friends" punch him in the shoulder,
and he's suddenly sucked back into the cold of reality,
and sheepishly turns his back.

Klea runs rampant through my mind,
vibing her beats,
trancing my body,
and it pushes me harder,
it makes me high.
It makes me strong.
It makes me powerful.
It makes me perfect.

Tic Toc.. Time's running out, until i seduce someone else..
Matty B.

Here We Are, So What Cha Gonna Do?

Ever since Skylab,
My MYSPACE popularity has sky rocketed. I went from 680 friends to 750 in a matter of days.
It was was Fab.

Amongst these people to add me have been a few certain boys,
[who will remain nameless for the moment, until they earn a name on my blog]
who have expressed... "interest" in me.
It's funny, because the minute your ribs stick out a little,
and you get a little bit of definition on your stomach,
boys everywhere are poppin' boners out of their pants.

seriously.
lately it's been like
"Hi there, nice to meet you. Drop your pants."
I mean, I haven't done anything,
but it's definatly a little bit of an ego boost to have boys
[and men]
myspaceing me all the time.

Hm.. perhaps one of them will be perfect.
doubtful, but we'll see.

I was loosing myself to somebody else
Matty B.

Here We Are, So What Cha Gonna Do?

Ever since Skylab,
My MYSPACE popularity has sky rocketed. I went from 680 friends to 750 in a matter of days.
It was was Fab.

Amongst these people to add me have been a few certain boys,
[who will remain nameless for the moment, until they earn a name on my blog]
who have expressed... "interest" in me.
It's funny, because the minute your ribs stick out a little,
and you get a little bit of definition on your stomach,
boys everywhere are poppin' boners out of their pants.

seriously.
lately it's been like
"Hi there, nice to meet you. Drop your pants."
I mean, I haven't done anything,
but it's definatly a little bit of an ego boost to have boys
[and men]
myspaceing me all the time.

Hm.. perhaps one of them will be perfect.
doubtful, but we'll see.

I was loosing myself to somebody else
Matty B.

This Is Dedicated To All My Readers..

I love how no one reads my blog anymore.
Oh well, I write this for me, anyways.

I am. I am revolution
Matty B.

Skylab.. Etc.

here are a few pics from skylab.
It was probably the best rave i've ever been to.








Wings I drew/ painted onto Mr.Angel's back.

Can't Wait For Brain Wash!
Matty B.

What's He Doing?

I pushed him too hard.
and i can feel he aftermath, now.

It's similar to coming down off of a drug:
It is blissful and amazing during the time of ignorance.
However, once the drug starts to leave your body,
you start to feel empty and helpless,
almost panicky.

And that is how i feel.
Everyone (including him) keeps telling me how much people love me,
but in reality,
it's not love that people have.
it's shallow awe.

people want to be around me because i have a decent face,
and i work for Hollister,
and i live on my own.

no one ever wants to look deeper,
no one ever tries to look deeper.

believe it or not, there's more to me.
believe it or not, i have feelings.
believe it or not, with every cut blood comes out.
with every hateful word,
a tear is shed.
with every lonley moment,
a regret is made.

and i'm tired of bleeding and regretting everywhere.


just.






i need to feel again.
he made me feel again.
i just hope i don't fuck up friendship, too.

I don't see a cigarette.
Matty B.

Let The Motha' Fucker Burn

"I know you wanna be together.
Come with me tonight, we can make the night last forever.

Because The girl that you want, is tearing us apart.
Because she's everything, everything, i'm not.

Because You're so perfect, and i'm so messed up."

-the Veronicas

You-"So do you even want to be friends anymore?"
Me-"I never said i didn't want to be friends, i was just hurt that- i dunno. i was just sad that i couldn't ever compete with her. I'll never be her, and it's apparent that you love her so much.. and you'll never love me like that."

*pause*

You-"Do we have fun together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-" Do we laugh together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-"Were we the hottest most glamourous bitches at SKYLAB?"
Me-"yeah.."
You-"Do I make you happy?"
Me-"Yeah."
You-"then i don't see what the fuss is about."
[this conversation was last night, so i had to paraphrase, and i had to try to remmeber it.. so it might be a little off, but the general idea is there]

Lets be honest.
He does light up my day.
He's the only one, other than GUATEMALA BEAN, that can make me go from slitting my wrists to histerically laughing.

Damn it.

He's going to fall in love with me.
I can feel it.
I'll be dancing on stage, next to the DJ,
and the strobe lights will grace my thin frame,
my body will dip low,
i'll bring it up slow,
Raver boys all around will throw water on me,
and he'll be mezmorized by the glistening droplets of water cascading from my hair,
across my smoothe chest,
over my slightly protruding ribs,
down my flat stomach,
across my V lines,
into my booty shorts.
the water will coast down the long interstate that are my legs,
and settle at my feet.

The strobe lights will flash,
the lights will blind,
and when he looks at me,
he'll have the same expression on his face,
as the rest of the ravers in the crowd:
AWE.

You know you want me
Matty B.

Let The Motha' Fucker Burn

"I know you wanna be together.
Come with me tonight, we can make the night last forever.

Because The girl that you want, is tearing us apart.
Because she's everything, everything, i'm not.

Because You're so perfect, and i'm so messed up."

-the Veronicas

You-"So do you even want to be friends anymore?"
Me-"I never said i didn't want to be friends, i was just hurt that- i dunno. i was just sad that i couldn't ever compete with her. I'll never be her, and it's apparent that you love her so much.. and you'll never love me like that."

*pause*

You-"Do we have fun together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-" Do we laugh together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-"Were we the hottest most glamourous bitches at SKYLAB?"
Me-"yeah.."
You-"Do I make you happy?"
Me-"Yeah."
You-"then i don't see what the fuss is about."
[this conversation was last night, so i had to paraphrase, and i had to try to remmeber it.. so it might be a little off, but the general idea is there]

Lets be honest.
He does light up my day.
He's the only one, other than GUATEMALA BEAN, that can make me go from slitting my wrists to histerically laughing.

Damn it.

He's going to fall in love with me.
I can feel it.
I'll be dancing on stage, next to the DJ,
and the strobe lights will grace my thin frame,
my body will dip low,
i'll bring it up slow,
Raver boys all around will throw water on me,
and he'll be mezmorized by the glistening droplets of water cascading from my hair,
across my smoothe chest,
over my slightly protruding ribs,
down my flat stomach,
across my V lines,
into my booty shorts.
the water will coast down the long interstate that are my legs,
and settle at my feet.

The strobe lights will flash,
the lights will blind,
and when he looks at me,
he'll have the same expression on his face,
as the rest of the ravers in the crowd:
AWE.

You know you want me
Matty B.

You Really Are My Ecstacy PART DEUX

He wants to marry her.
this whole threeway thing is nearing the finish line,
and i'm pullin' 3rd.

How can I compete with 2 YEARS of history.
that's quite the head start.

It sucks, because he sends me messages like
"You deserve the sky, and so much more-"
"I had so much fun with you this weekend, you make me smile and laugh-"
and
"Baby, hot raver boys will come and go, but i'll always be here for you in the end-"

then he tells me he see's him and Girlfriend getting married.

wait-
WHAT?

so am I just a cute little jelousy tool?
did you even wrote those words, or were they given to you by my friends who know what i liek to hear, to ATTEMP to make me feel better?

Just because you kiss boys, doesn't make you Bi.
Just because you kiss me, doesn't mean you can have a relationship with me.
And How dare you say things like that you don't mean?

THAT is mean.
How could you mean words like that, when you want to be with Girlfriend?
Don't tell me what i want to hear.
be
BRUTALLY honest.
like i always say,
Honesty all the way, take no prisioners.
Go for the gold, no matter who it hurts.

So that's what i'm doing.

You played to my soft side.
You tell me things that i NEVER hear,
You tell me i'm beautiful when you know i'm not.
I have to ask you for a kiss.
It pains you to have to touch me.

Why can't you be honest with me?
Because feeling ashamed and ugly and unwated really hurts.
you say a lot to the contrary,
but your actions and body movement tell me a completely different story.

I ask me to dance with you,
and you don't even look in my eyes.
Worst of all, you don't even look at my body.
You're looking at Girlfriend wiggling around 10 feet behind me.
I can't compete with that.
I just..

I'm just inferior.
Some people ask why, i'm in love with you-"
Matty B.

You Really Are My Ecstacy

Skylab was absolutely phenominal.
I was hot.
My boyfriend was hot.
My girlfriend was hot.



Club Reps and Rave Poperazzi were all over us.
Pictures from the rave, of us have been posted on dozends of websites.
my myspace?
EXPLODING with friend requests.

you'd be surprized what a little "dieting" [STARVATION],
a little glamour [X]
and some glitter can do for a boy.

You know you want me.
Matty B.
[aka BEAUTIFUL]

Just A Boy, Just An Ordinary Boy, But He Was Looking To The Sky.
Hands plunged into my pockets,
i strolled down the concrete road,
leading past all the closed, empty shops.
Jack Johnson , Letters To cLeo, and and John Mayer
whispered sweet loves songs into my ear, while i approached a fire pit,
surrounded by cute little couples,
desperatly seeking warmth from the cool chill of the evening.

I sat down, alone, and tossed my cigarette butt into the flames.
I delved into my mind,
and i thought about the days events.
My heart reaches out to both of them.
But i know he loves her.
look at 'em.
look how he holds her,
look how he touches her,
and looks at her,

i can't compete.

I've Been dying inside, little by little
Matty B.

I'm Bringin' Sexy Back
Skylab is tomorrow.
I'm going with Mr.Angel and Girfriend.
I'm dating both of them.
it's like,
we're polyamourous or something.
Sex (or whatever) with Girlfriend will be interesting.
we'll see how this all plays out.

You're Going TO Give Me a Heart Attack
Matty B.

Touch It, Smack It, Reverse It.

I'm going to school tomorrow.
and i'm going to have a bodygaurd. [or escort]

i'm still terrified.

Fuck You AND your "Opinions"
Matty B.

It Doesn't Feel Right, Until You Start To Drown-"

So I Emailed Mr.Oz yesterday.
In reality, we've been emailing eachother back and forth a little bit, for a few days now..
..so I asked him some hard [but valid] questions.
He's read the message, but hasn't written back.

It seems ever since i've been spending time with Mr.Angel,
Things like that have started to loose effect.
Instead of being angry and upset,
I'm not surprised.
Instead of brooding around,
I'm understanding that he's his own person.
Instead of taking it personally,
I have accepted that he has to have his share of horrible [and they will be horrible] relationships,
to realize what an amazing boyfriend i was.
i mean, yeah Mr.Oz is a great fuck [i thought him everything he knows],
but lets be honest,
he never told me how he felt about me,
he never showed me how he felt about me,
and we never got to be alone.
Not the worst boyfriend,
but there are better.. i hope.

I mean,
Mr.Angel is SO adorable.
Seriously, he walks into the room, and the sight of his smiling face just brightens my day.
His [how could i put it?] Doofy? His Big Silly Laugh just makes me explode [literally] in laughter,
and makes my day worth while.
He goes out of his way to make me smile,
Flowers, kisses, cuddling, etc..

..and one of the best parts, is that he makes me feel sexy..
that sounds stupid, but whatever.
He totally has a GORGEOUS body,
and i don't feel like a pregnant heffer cow.
I feel slim and sexy and gorgeous,
..i feel worthy of being around him,
I've never had that before...
and goddamn it, it feels good.

However, there's always a down side.
Hm.. i know he reads this,
and i know everyone reads this..
...but i kind of get jealous of Girlfriend.
IT IS RIDICULOUS, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I barely know this amazing person,
and im jealous of this beautiful connection that they have.
All i know is this:
If he ever looks at me 1/2 the way he looks at Girlfriend,
I would be one lucky son of a bitch.
I don't think she knows how lucky she is.
He really does love her.


Someday..Love Will Find Me, In The Rough-"
Matty B.

You Tremble At The Sound-"

Matty B. had bit of a crisis last night.
It seems to appear that there is someone(s) at his school that wants to kill him.

Day One: He sees the grafitti on the bathroom wall, reading," Matt Mohanan is going to DIE Faggot", written in pencil.

He tells administration, and they have Jose' Quervo clean it off the walls, reassuring, it's a stupid prank.

Day Two: Matty B. walks to the bathroom, and what has returned? The EXACT same phrase, but in a different spot. Jose' Quervo cleans it off, and Administration reassures him that it's nothing, it has everything to do with them, BLAH BLAH.

An hour later, he goes to wash his hands in the sink,
But now not only has it returned,"Matthew Monahan is GOING TO DIE!!
but it's returned in permenant marker reading
He talks to Administration.
Rise, Repeat.

Day Three: Matty B. walks into the bathroom to find that it's written on the walls, the mirrors, and on the stalls. it proclaims," YOU WON'T SILENCE ME. THE FAGGOT WILL DIE. MATT MONAHAN IS GOING TO DIE!"
He goes to Administration, and they tell him to ignore it. It'll go away, if you don't recognize it. No one will do anything. Just go about your normal business. Everything will work out.

Pulled From The Denver Post
"November 19th 2003
A Boy in Longmont, Colorado was found today, brutally beaten and raped in the parking lot of his school-"
"-It has been speculated that he was a new student to this Longmont Highschool, and was identified as a,"Openly Gay Individual." It has been said that he was walking home afterschool, after the first meeting of his "Gays and Straights Alliance"-"
"-He was choppered to Children's Hospital, and after several blows to the head, face, and back, he is in critical condition. Police are still searching for information that would lead to -"

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO ME.
NOT AGAIN.

Come around, no more
Matty B.

"Stop My Breathing, Slit My Throat... I Must Be Emo-"

I have the next couple of days off.
It's nice to be able to relax a little bit.

My social worker is going to come over,
then Mr.Angel, Miss Business, and Girlfriend and I are all going to make candy for Skylab on Saturday. I'm really excited to say the least.

They brought me flowers at work the other day,
So as appreciation, i had raunchy kinky sex with Mr.Angel while Girlfriend taped, and Miss Business directed..

[That didn't really happen, I actually took Mr.Angel wildflowers to his work, and a card, but people lately said that my blog was boring them. LOL]

Now i'm at home, enjoying the quiet while i clean and my brother practices his chinese homework.

Picture perfect?

well, i've seen black, and i've seen blue, but you make it all go away
Matty B.

I'm going to garuntee, to set you free.

The past couple of days have been a little rough.
I walked into a bathroom that had
"Matt Monahan Is Going to Die. Faggot."
written in permenant marker,
floor to ceiling.. stall to mirror,
at the art-hall bathrooms, at school.

Hm.

Right when i thought i was at my breaking point,
convulsing in anger,
shaking in fear,
Mr.Angel swooped down and made it all better.

I was working in the back room at my place of employment,
[i didn't want to deal with the horrid fucking customers]
and my manager comes back and tells me i have some people waiting.
Naturally, i think it's Miss Business, so i ask to go on break.
He agrees, and walks me to the lobby,
where MR.Angel, Girlfriend, and Miss Business are waiting with
flowers,
baloons,
a wrapped present,
and bamboo?
I thought it was a cute addition to the cornecopia of surprise.
i was so excited,
i ran up to all of them,
and hugged them as tightly as i could.
(not girlfriend too tight, she's frail)

After my break, i finish working,
then head out to leave.
the gang was waiting,
and we all proceeded to go to my house.

a HUGE mamosa and 6 shots of rum later,
i was running and dancing in the rain with Mr.Angel and Girlfriend.
We come back in,
and head to bed.

Mr.Angel has this smell to him.
I don't know what it is.. but it's familliar,
and i like it.

Although he didn't cuddle with me very much that night,
He made up for it the next morning.
It felt really good to lie in the arms of a man.
Specifically, it felt really good to lie in his arms.

This boy is absolutly magic.
i don't know how he did it,
but i had a smil eon my face all night.
Ha, i think about him, and i smile.

Darn It!

I just hope he feels the same way.
[otherwise he'll run for the hills]

razorblades, Headwig, and a vase full of happiness
Matty B.

I wanna S your D, F your B

Jeffree Star's new song, Ice Cream Is fabulous.
Open Up Your Thighs, Show me your Surprise

God Love Him/Her

Rhinestone, Horomone
Matty B.

$1.65 and a Suicidal Parent.

I hung out with my Girlfriend while she took her break from work.
(she's an assistant manager at the KFC right down the street from my house.. I know, it's really sexy.)
Afterwards, I went over to the neighborhood Carrabba's (my previous place of employment) to visit Mr.Angel.
He was gorgeous and absolutley adorable, as usual:
He was wearing a pin stripe button-up shirt, with matching pants.
We set a group date to go see a movie, and make pasta.
(he's seen my myspace pictures, and i think he really wants me to cook for him.)
To say the least, i'm excited.

Miss Business and I then proceeded to go home,
when i was called by Eric.
He was at Flatirons, and he had my new phone with him.
I raced over there, and thanked him immensly.
Then i drove him to the bus stop,
and now i'm at home, typing this.

Yeah.
I need an Ooh La La La La La
Matty B.

Size 9's and Crunchy Teal Tights

Good morning.
I saw the sun kiss your face,
as it rose over my window sill and poured all over our bodies;
wrapping us in a warm embrace.

Good Morning.
I felt your warm body framing mine,
in a picture perfect scene,
of two people meant to be;
two boys grown to men,
two souls grown into one,
two hearts grown into a life. with.. eachother.

Good Morning.
I smelled the hot coffee brewing,
and pictured us sitting on my front porch,
drinking out of matching mugs,
smoking matching cigarettes,
wearing matching pajamas,
except, i was wearing the shirt,
and you the pants,
not unlike our matching relationship.

Good Morning.
I heard your slow breath
whisper in my ear,
chant a sweet syphany of rhaspy sweet nothings,
reassuring that fact that i love you.

Good Morning.
I could still taste you,
the musk,
the sweat,
the love,
the lust,
the pain,
the tears,
the sex.
i could taste it all,
and memories flooded back to my head,
pushing me back,
pushing me against the smooth, white wall,
onto the rough, wooden window sill,
against the sheer, thin glass,
through the thick, harsh air,
against the cold, unforgiving concrete,
into the suffocating, wet earth,
into the firey pits of hell,
where the burns still remind me of a lost love.

Good morning.
I woke with a start.
Pupils dilating,
cold beads of sweat cascading down the side of my temple,
hot, un justified tears pooling in my eyes,
and escaping across my face.
persperation collected unevenly across my brow,
as my barely-healed wounds burs open in angst,
proving that the pain is real.
I layed back down,
pulled my tear and blood stained comforter up to my chin,
and wished you would heal your own scars,
so you could help me heal mine.

Hold On Tight.
Matty B.

Hold On Tight.. I am. I am Revolution-"

So I went on a semi-date today.
I was standing at the cash rep, and a co-worker of mine,
we'll call him Mr.O'range,
Went shopping for some clothes, and kept asking my opinion.
I told him the honest truth,
and he ended up buying (hundreds of dollars worth[235.99 to be exact]) clothes,
that i chose for him.
i told him if he waited 5 minutes i'd let him take me to coffee,
and we could chat.
two menthols and a double blended vanilla bean frappuccino later,
he informs me that his is abstinate.
totally.
a virgin.
100%.

..considering he's a good guy,
is more than well off (has his own car, a camaro, a crotch rocket, and owns his own house),
Cute,
Funny,
Nice,
[Mean, Hehe]
That isn't a problem.
except that he isn't loosing his virginity until he gets married.. SPECIFICALLY:
TO A WOMAN.
He's BI.



DAMN IT.

I get what i wan, when i want!
Matty B.

Okay, Look, I... Went to School With Him.

Work today was ... Barely bareable.
Labor Day,
Screaming mothers,
Realizing that I'm working on a holiday...
I guess the upside was that I was working with a few cute [nice] boys,
I was getting paid 8.75 because it was a holiday,
And I got tohave my break with some of my ABSOUTELY FAVORITE people:
Guatemala Bean, Miss Business, (we'll call her) Miss Girlfriend, and (we'll call him) Mr. Angel. It was absoutely fantastic. We smoked, we had some laughs, and made fun of small children (DUH).

It was really nice to have friends around, laughing, joking, ha.. it was picture perfect.

It was a good day.
Things are good.

I think.
*knock on wood*

I'm going to lash ou tat the computer I gave you, and turn it off!
Matty B.

Baby Is This Love For Real? [Hold Me In Your Arms, To Feel...]/
Wake.
I slid out of my egyptian cotton sheets,
and glided out the door.
A blink later, I was standing at my coffee maker,
scooping frozen coffee grounds into my old, all knowing filter.
1/2 a pot later,
and as I was squeezing the last of my creamer out of it's crushed, pathetic contianer,
I scooped up a handful of granola,
and floated up the stairs,
and perched myself at my virtual addiction.
hours flew by,
aparently some guy in pheonix wants my 17 year old ass,
and i'm standing at my mirror.
gazing at my naked, shivering body,
wondering what's wrong.
what did i do?
what would i have to do?
I stepped into the scolding harsh reality of the morning,
and attempt to cleanse myself of the last night's misadventures.
with every scrub,
with with every cut,
it released overwhelming waves of love, lust and despair.
the deeper, the closer i came to myself.
the harder, the more became alive.
with every beat, with every,
"You, you don't want anything to do with me,
You, you don't know what to do to me..."
I became closer to myself.
I woke up.
I became alive.

I stood there,
in front of the mirror again,
on the scale,
looking at my bones stick out of my body,
looking at my dropping weight.

When will i be skinny enough?
When will I be good enough?
When will i have enough money?
When will i be what you want?
When will you relaize we're meant for eachother,
and if you do, will it be in time?
I don't want to move on,
but please, don't make me.
because i might.
accidentally or not.
someone might come along.
and then what will we do?

I know you love me.
I just hope you figure it out in time.
For the both of us.

...i mean, i do move to Denver in December.
And it'll be a long year.
Especially if i'm alone.

especially if you're alone.

God, i'm drunk.
But honest.

Aparentally There's A Lot That Can Be Wrong With You.
Matty B.

Because You Had Blood On Your Face, And I had Blood In My Eyes

I woke up this morning,
attempting to rid myself of the memory of last night's misadventures.
i roll outta bed at about 9:30,
walk down stairs,
made myself some coffee,
came back up stairs,
smoked a cigarette,
and just sat there.

then i took some pictures.
because words can't describe the feeling i have on this overcast day.

Somethin's Happenin' Here..."
Matty B.

Because You Had Blood On Your Face, And I had Blood In My Eyes

I woke up this morning,
attempting to rid myself of the memory of last night's misadventures.
i roll outta bed at about 9:30,
walk down stairs,
made myself some coffee,
came back up stairs,
smoked a cigarette,
and just sat there.

then i took some pictures.
because words can't describe the feeling i have on this overcast day.

Somethin's Happenin' Here..."
Matty B.