W.W.J.D? W.W.E.W.D?

It seems that it’s been a rough few weeks for a lot of people. While standing in the print shop today at school, I overheard one of the staff members talking to a friend of hers about how she hasn’t spoken with her dad in almost a week because she told him that she was a lesbian. Right before I finished my cigarette two hours earlier, I over heard a skinny blonde boy talking to his friends about how no matter what he does, he just can’t seem to get his boyfriend to open up to him. [Girl, I hear you.]

Over the past few days, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about everything that has been going wrong in my life: My continuing feud with my roommate, my immense amount of work followed by an abysmal pay, the fact that I didn’t have time to be with the friends and family that I love most, all topped off by the continuous addition of school work that appears to be endless.

When I feel like I need encouragement or motivation, I turn to my true hero: Elle Woods. Although a fictional character of the popular movie, book, and Broadway show “Legally Blond”, I feel that the way Amanda Brown captured the pure optimism of this woman is absolutely inspiring, and can be applied to real-life; my life.

Like Elle, I like to think that no one gets anywhere in life with a shitty attitude. And you know what? We’re right! You’d be very surprised how far a kind word and a friendly gesture can go. You can easily turn someone’s day around with a smile and a compliment. My friends know this. In fact I have two that know exactly what to say, to make me feel better. Unfortunately for me, one is very busy being a fabulous waiter “Hamburger Mary’s”, and the other is quite the drive to visit.

So, What Would Elle Woods Do? Would she bend and snap? How about an exfoliating facial cleanser? Better yet, what does Barbie do when she’s not seeing Ken anymore, She’s been working all day in 6” heels, and it feels like she’s made of cold, hard, plastic?

After my date with Mr. Constrictor, I felt like I was an empty shell of myself. I sat in the cab and thought about the previous night’s events. Flashbacks of him telling me,” You’re so gorgeous, I deserve you. You’re so fuckin’ hot. Get on my bed. Take off your pants.-” were all too overwhelming. Isn’t that what I want? A man who takes control, knows what he wants, who makes good money, and lives in LoDo?

I stood frozen in the shower, absolutely blank. The thought of me lying there expressionless was more than familiar. As I sat on my balcony and smoked a cigarette, I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I still can’t. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me two hours to write an entry.

When does it get better? Ever since I was a kid, everyone I know tells me that it’ll get better. Give it a few years, it’ll be amazing. Well, I’m days from being an official adult, and it has yet to kick in. I’ve missed my entire summer, because I’ve been stressing, working, and attempting to pull my life together enough to get a full night’s rest.
I can’t even enjoy the things I used to, because I’ve been so manic. At least while I was dating Mr.Revenge, he brought be back. Being a complete child wasn’t ALL bad, with him; he still knew how to have fun. He could lie around all day, and not have a care in the world. I can’t even finish a cigarette without thinking about whether or not I’ll have money to buy another pack.

I think I’m a bit over due for a vacation. Perhaps a few personal days. All I know is that I need to get out of my head, and spend more time with people that can make that possible.

Robot, why are you so robotic?
Matty B.

Art Smart?

One of the biggest appeals of entering college was finally being treated like an adult. Little did I know, most of my teachers were either brand new and had no idea what they were talking about, or had taught the class so many times that they were completely distracted by their personal life, and had no intention or desire to give us the education that we sold our kidney’s to afford.

I walked into my Digital Media and Design class at 7:26am, and sat down at a computer, half way to the back of the class room. I wanted to make sure that I was close enough to see the projection screen, but far enough away from the teacher to discretely check MySpace and Connexion. The first thing out of her mouth was, “Who are you, and what on earth are you doing in my class?” I raised my gracefully arched eyebrow at her and replied,” I’m Matty B. I missed the first class, because of an error in my FASFA, and I wasn’t allowed to attend class, until it was figured out.”

While she stared at me blankly with her eyes glossed over, a dribble of drool delicately dripped from the side of her mouth. So I did what any American person would do when presented with the problem of talking to someone that appears to have a hard time understanding the basic words that are you coming out of your mouth; I repeated myself slowly and loudly.

I signed in, and sat down at my desk as she droned about how to use Microsoft Word. As she handed out the daily assignment, she started to present a Power Point Presentation about the history of camera’s. I reminded her that we weren’t in a photography, and that she was teaching A digital media course. She apparently realized that she wasn’t showing the right presentation, and instructed us to take a break.

As I smoked down my third cigarette of the day, I thought about al the previous teachers and professors I had had in the past. Growing up, my teachers have instilled two major rules in my life: Treat others the way you want to be treated, and if you wish to be treated like an adult, you must act like an adult.

What if the adults in your life act like children? Short tempered, poor people skills, and a complete density to what’s going on around them? While at an institution of learning, there’s a standard of how the professors should act, right? WRONG. In between power trips, and complete ignorance to the fact that they actually have to PREPARE for a class, the art of teaching has been completely lost.

I look for inspiration in my life. I associate my self with people that will make me a better person, or at least will direct me in that direction. Through friends and family, I seek intelligence, humor, and life. That’s why I attended the Art Institute of Colorado. I heard that it was full of cutting edge professors who had a passion for teaching.

I was wrong.

Instead, it’s full of money grubbing teachers who are stuck “teaching” classes they don’t want to. Passion? I think not. More like punishment.

Remember when art meant something?

Matty B.

Bittersweet Symphony

They say that a good thing never lasts. And so far, it’s proven to be true. Am I one of those people that try and materialize something out of nothing? Convince myself that there’s a possibility for happiness with this person that I hardly know? I’m not one to place all my money in one bet, but I am someone that will put an investment towards something that has hopeful potential.

Mr. Revenge and I recently called it quits. Things were going amazingly, we had a blast together, we saw each other quite frequently, and when I was with him, it felt like home. So what was the problem, you ask? The problem is that he felt the same way about me, as I did about him. And for him, that was a terrifying concept. The last thing he said to me was, “I’m just meant to be single. I can’t handle all of this. I‘m done with us.” After realizing that he was breaking up with me, I immediately hung up on him. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of hearing my reaction.

It’s funny to look back at the course of our very brief relationship, and attempt to recognize what exactly made me think that it could work out. He’s a 23 year-old grungy drug addict, who’s not only never had a real relationship in his entire life, but only has one real friend, whom he talks shit about when she’s not around. I try and date older men because they’re supposed to be mature, and in control of their life; pulled together if you will. However, that wasn’t the case, in this instance.

You know, the best part of Mr. Revenge, was that I felt like a kid again. I felt like I was in high school, I could go crazy, have fun, laugh, roll around in the hay, and it was alright. It was the most honest thing I felt in the past year, and it was great, no matter how short-lived.

This isn’t the only relationship that’s ended abruptly because it was “too good to be true”. After Brady and I broke up, his reasoning of staying separated was,” This can’t be it. I can’t spend the rest of my life with my high school sweetheart.” You’re right, that doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen, because people won’t let it. He didn’t want to get married, go to college together, have three children, two cars, and a beautiful home, because that’s what his parents did. God forbid, he turn out like his parents: Happy, successful, and loving every minute of their life.

Since when did the “American Dream” become such a nightmare? Is it really that scary that people might actually want children, and a husband? I’ve talked to a few of my gay friends, and that’s the last thing on their mind. It’s almost a stigma to want such a nuclear lifestyle. While I sit here and write about relationships, their out doing poppers and getting fucked in an alleyway. Not that I’m saying that I’m against that behavior, but how is it, that an entire generation can give up on love so easily?

I try and pass the time by watching a season of Sex and the City. I’ve always been considered the “Samantha” of our group of friends, however it feels like lately I’ve been a bit worn out by the whole idea, all together. Maybe it’s been all the lack luster sex I’d been having. Or maybe it was just the horrible dates with a dozen assholes in the past few months, that threw me off my usually predatory behavior. But overall, I’ve just become bored with the whole scene.

As I talk more and more to my friends, it seems that there are very few of us that have idealistic views on relationships, and the future. It’s almost taboo to not be taboo. What do you mean you haven’t had sex in three months? What? You’ve never had sex in the TRACKS bathroom while high on coke? Everyone I know has! Everyone is attracted to drama. Let’s be honest here. I’d rather be reading Perez Hilton, than the wedding announcements in the local newspaper. I want to see grungy dirty sex, and people throwing drinks at each other! Give me some skanky red head with a drug addiction over Oprah any day!

At the end of the day though, I begin to realize that I begun to find a healthy balance. I’m not Samantha, fucking everyone that shoots me a friendly smile. However, I’m not that “insta-boyfriend” who feels they need to be in a relationship, either.

I’m not prefect, but I’m getting there. Until then, you’ll see me out there with open arms, and an open heart.


You want all my love and my devotion
Matty B.