“Don’t Want to See the Sunrise. I Don’t Want To See The Sun-“
It was early. I stood behind him with my arms draped around his naked body, as we looked out the window, watching the world slowly illuminate. The room was cold, but our bodies were comfortable while we were touching. I kissed the back of his neck where five freckles danced like stars littered across the sky. I could feel his happiness, if for only those moments, in the morning light, in our private sanctuary. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was an honest happiness, or just a result of a beautiful night with a beautiful man, who told me I was beautiful.
He turned to me with his hands resting around my hips, kissed me, and walked to the bathroom. I grabbed a clean pair of briefs out of my overnight bag, and silently slipped them on. I didn’t want to leave, but I was unsure of his intentions. I had ample opportunity to ask him while we lay in his bed looking, talking, touching, loving, all night, but I was scared of what I might have heard. I don’t understand what love exactly is, but I think that it could be described by brief, pure moments of happiness. …and I wasn’t going to spoil that morning with questions.
After a veggie bagel, a coke, and a very lazy afternoon with him and his roommate, I decided that I was going to leave him, so that I could go home and sort out the affairs that I had blissfully neglected, while I was with him. As I drove home, my iPod shuffled the most appropriate music that reflected the things that were going through my head. Kylie Minogue cooed to me through my speakers, asking me what I really wanted. What was I looking for?
As I swooped and glided through town, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I have been dating a various pool of men over the past few months, whom all had wonderful (and terrible) traits to them. However, I found myself letting go and drifting apart from them, when I didn’t feel the heat that I needed.
I was talking to Kraig, a boy that I thought I was interested in a few months ago, and told him that I needed something more from him, that he couldn’t give me. I have plenty of friends. I need a best friend, and then some. Someone who I can be completely honest with, who will love me for it, not judge me. I want to be able to do the same for someone else. I want be spoken to with kindness, and respect. Not man handled and treated like some tweaker twink at Tracks. When I’m touched, I want to feel what they’re feeling. I want to physically and emotionally experience them, without having to read their connexion profile.
I haven’t called someone my boyfriend for a very long time, because they always get some sort of ridicule or are joked at because they date me. Everyone knows about the JJ catastrophy. How could anyone forget? And then of course there is the David situation. What a nightmare. I really loved being with both of these men, but because of my thin skin (back then) to the social pressure of their friends, our wonderful relationships crashed and burned. It’s always something: I’m too young, I live to far away, I dated a friend (or friends) of theirs, I dance too much and don’t have enough time… Christ on the cross, I have felt like the world was working against me when it comes to men. That’s why it’s been so long since I’ve dared to call anyone my boyfriend. I don’t like what comes with that label. It’s too much to handle, and frankly it’s a death sentence for any of my relationships.
It was early. I was lying with my eyes open, not thinking, unblinking. His arms were around me, safe, warm, lost in dream. His shallow breathing on my chest gently tickled my skin, but not enough for me to squirm. After he drove me home, I kissed him goodbye, as I collected my things. As I unlocked and opened my door, I turned at the last second to see if he had left. He was still sitting there, watching me, waiting for me to go in. I hid my blushing behind a smile and a wave, and hopped into the house. As I walked up the stairs, I heard him pull away, music gently drifting away.
I don’t know what I want from him, or any man. But if I could have a few more moments like that in my life, I would sure be happy. If only for those moments.
Matty Beautiful
Monday, October 20, 2008
How Does It Feel To Be Different Than Me? Are We The Same?”
I started volunteering for a non-profit organization called Atlas. It’s a Boulder County AIDS Project (BCAP) funded organization that promotes safe sex, HIV testing, and HIV awareness to Boulder, and its’ surrounding counties. Through education and frequent testing, the mission is to always be knowledgeable of your status, and if you’re negative, you stay negative. If you’re positive, you prevent the spread of the virus.
I was asked to be a part of the group of “core members” a few months ago. Since then, I’ve had the opportunity to meet a lot more people in the Boulder gay community that I normally wouldn’t have. In the first meeting I went to, I was surrounded by smart, attractive, funny men, who were not only passionate about their sexual health, but were also active volunteers in the gay community. Heaven.
It was a complete turn around from the gay people I had been hanging out with six months ago. No body was talking about how they were looking for ecstasy, or how they barebacked in the dorm showers. No, I was sitting in a room where people were passionate about their education, goals in life, and most importantly, their health. After spending some time meeting some new faces, and talking to old friends, I really felt like I was home. At first I was a bit skeptical about the type of guys that would be there. I was expecting the aberzombie asshole who couldn’t think for himself, that I usually met while attending a predominately CU function. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least.
While I sat there filling out a HIV quiz about what I knew, and what I didn’t, the group (of about 35+) were talking about different STI’s, and what we needed to know about them. I looked around the room, and although there were many different types of gay men there (ranging from 18-35), everyone just got a lot. …somehow it worked. It was almost like they could put their differences aside and not just get along, but be friends.
Lets be honest, here. If there is one demographic of people that fight amongst themselves the most, it’s going to be the gays. I mean, we have drag queens, tranny’s, queens, twinks, bears, S&M Enthusiasts, Abercrombie preps, back beat boys, straight “acting” boys, wilderness men, club boys, ravers, circuit boys, muscle men… the list goes on. How on earth are they all going to find peace with each other? They don’t. Until they manage to pull it together for a worthy cause that affects ALL of them. Who knew that HIV would be the glue that holds the gay community together? For this, we can set down our weapons (weather it be our words, fists, or eyelash curlers) and our differences, to band together to support the discovery of a cure. If not to find a cure, then to promote a healthy lifestyle. It gives me hope that the world isn’t full of complete assholes, who just want a pump and dump.
I’ve been to a few Atlas outings since, and have a lot coming up in the future. I signed up for as many workshops, and volunteer opportunities as I could, because this is an amazing group to work with, and I actually enjoy waking up at 9 am on a Saturday (with a hangover) to make HIV Prevention Packs. It has changed my mood, and I feel good volunteering. I really enjoy it, and am very glad that I get to do it, again. Maybe I’ll meet someone worth meeting, there.
Matty Beautiful
I started volunteering for a non-profit organization called Atlas. It’s a Boulder County AIDS Project (BCAP) funded organization that promotes safe sex, HIV testing, and HIV awareness to Boulder, and its’ surrounding counties. Through education and frequent testing, the mission is to always be knowledgeable of your status, and if you’re negative, you stay negative. If you’re positive, you prevent the spread of the virus.
I was asked to be a part of the group of “core members” a few months ago. Since then, I’ve had the opportunity to meet a lot more people in the Boulder gay community that I normally wouldn’t have. In the first meeting I went to, I was surrounded by smart, attractive, funny men, who were not only passionate about their sexual health, but were also active volunteers in the gay community. Heaven.
It was a complete turn around from the gay people I had been hanging out with six months ago. No body was talking about how they were looking for ecstasy, or how they barebacked in the dorm showers. No, I was sitting in a room where people were passionate about their education, goals in life, and most importantly, their health. After spending some time meeting some new faces, and talking to old friends, I really felt like I was home. At first I was a bit skeptical about the type of guys that would be there. I was expecting the aberzombie asshole who couldn’t think for himself, that I usually met while attending a predominately CU function. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least.
While I sat there filling out a HIV quiz about what I knew, and what I didn’t, the group (of about 35+) were talking about different STI’s, and what we needed to know about them. I looked around the room, and although there were many different types of gay men there (ranging from 18-35), everyone just got a lot. …somehow it worked. It was almost like they could put their differences aside and not just get along, but be friends.
Lets be honest, here. If there is one demographic of people that fight amongst themselves the most, it’s going to be the gays. I mean, we have drag queens, tranny’s, queens, twinks, bears, S&M Enthusiasts, Abercrombie preps, back beat boys, straight “acting” boys, wilderness men, club boys, ravers, circuit boys, muscle men… the list goes on. How on earth are they all going to find peace with each other? They don’t. Until they manage to pull it together for a worthy cause that affects ALL of them. Who knew that HIV would be the glue that holds the gay community together? For this, we can set down our weapons (weather it be our words, fists, or eyelash curlers) and our differences, to band together to support the discovery of a cure. If not to find a cure, then to promote a healthy lifestyle. It gives me hope that the world isn’t full of complete assholes, who just want a pump and dump.
I’ve been to a few Atlas outings since, and have a lot coming up in the future. I signed up for as many workshops, and volunteer opportunities as I could, because this is an amazing group to work with, and I actually enjoy waking up at 9 am on a Saturday (with a hangover) to make HIV Prevention Packs. It has changed my mood, and I feel good volunteering. I really enjoy it, and am very glad that I get to do it, again. Maybe I’ll meet someone worth meeting, there.
Matty Beautiful
"Material Girl"
Saturday evening he stopped by unexpectedly, to give me a huge bouquet of pink roses and white tiger lilies. I didn’t know what to say. It had been a while since someone had given me flowers. Jimmy raised his eyebrows in skepticism when I walked up to Kraig, and gave him a hug. It felt honest and real, but my friends told me that I needed to be careful. Apparently I didn’t know “what I was getting myself into”.
Last Friday, Kraig came over to have cocktails with Jimmy, Asia, Zach, BB (lesbians Brandi and Bonny, who are best friends), and I. Well, everyone who was 21+ left to go out to the bars at around 9, which left Kraig, Zach and I hanging out at Zach and Jimmy’s apartment drinking, and watching tv. Around 11, Kraig decided he had to go home, because he had an early hike at 8am in the morning. I hugged him goodbye, and he left. Zach and I proceeded to make fun of people on connexion, and vote randomly in everyone’s “quick polls”.
Jimmy’s large, lush, pillow-filled bed was calling my name, and I went to bed soon after Kraig left. I woke up around 8am, to three voicemails and 9 new text messages. Clearly I had I missed out on something epic, that happened the night before. Jimmy went over to his friend Matt’s house after the bars, where he ran into none other than… Kraig.
Apparently Kraig went over to hang out with a mutual friend of ours Jimmy Martin (be careful not to get the two Jimmy’s confused), when he had told me he was going home to get some sleep. According to my best friend Jimmy, Kraig and Jimmy Martin had locked themselves in his bedroom, and then showered together later that night. Not before trying to talk to my best friend (who was very intoxicated at the time and doesn’t even remember what he said), and “explain” why he was downtown, and not with me.
After telling me exactly what had happened, Jimmy tried to read my expression, waiting for my reaction. I slid my sunglasses down, and lit up a cigarette, and took a moment to soak in all the news.
Kraig and I have been hanging out frequently the past few weeks. I first met him the Thursday before my birthday at Tracks. He works with Zach, who was persistent that I meet him. After getting to know him a little bit that night, I invited him to my house party that I was throwing the following night, to celebrate my birthday. He was thrilled to come. The next morning while Zach and I were drinking Starbucks and smoking on the porch, he asks me what color foundation I wear. I told him NC 25, and that it was funny that he asked, because I was running low, and had to go out and buy some.
Later that evening people started showing up, looking absolutely fabulous. The glitterati had arrived, and it was a sight to be seen. My theme was Glam Rock (chosen by the people who voted in my quick poll on connexion), and everyone made the effort to look their most fabulous. When Kraig arrived, he gave me a little black MAC bag. It clicked in my head immediately. He had called Zach earlier that morning, and asked him what color make up I wore, and went out and bought it for me. I looked at him, and he grinned, as I jumped into his arms.
The night continued without a hitch with the exception of a few drama queens occupying the bathrooms, and the unusually wet and rainy weather. Luckily I was wearing a MAC face, so I knew it wouldn’t melt off in the rain. Kraig ended up leaving a little after 1am, much to my despair. But, I gave him a huge hug, and he thanked him for his very thoughtful gift. A broken $100 bottle of tequila later, a drag queen’s heel getting stuck in the cracks in the porch, and Britney Spears playing for the 340597348534th time, almost everyone had left, and I snuggled up in my friend Tim’s bed (he was passed out on the couch), and went to sleep.
“I’m conflicted,” I told Jimmy.
He looked at me. “What’s there to be conflicted about? He lied to you.”
“Well,” I replied. “I really like him a lot. I enjoy spending time with him. He’s really sweet. He called Zach to see what color my skin was, so that he could match it. Who does that?”
I paused for a few moments, because I knew what I should do. We got home a few minutes later, where I proceeded to ignore Kraig’s text messages. I just didn’t know what to say to him. I hate being lied to, and it’s a total deal breaker. I’ve had too many men lie to me in the past, which has led to them risking my health. I’ve decided After a few hours, I chatted with him over texts, and told him what was on his mind.
He said nothing happened, he was so sorry that he lied, and that he wouldn’t do it again. I told him that I would chose to believe him that he didn’t do anything, regardless of what my friends said. But that this couldn’t ever happen again. I don’t have it in me to be involved with anyone that puts me in a situation like that. It’s too draining.
A few hours later I was watching TV with Jimmy. I received a text message reading “I’m outside.” I opened the door, and there he was, standing with a bouquet of pink roses and white tiger lilies. I didn’t know what to say.
I’ve spent the last week thinking about everything. I guess I won’t know if I’ve made a good or bad decision, until this matures a little bit. I’m going to the club to meet him tonight. For the record, I hope it works out. But, that’s another blog, I suppose.
Matty Beautiful
Saturday evening he stopped by unexpectedly, to give me a huge bouquet of pink roses and white tiger lilies. I didn’t know what to say. It had been a while since someone had given me flowers. Jimmy raised his eyebrows in skepticism when I walked up to Kraig, and gave him a hug. It felt honest and real, but my friends told me that I needed to be careful. Apparently I didn’t know “what I was getting myself into”.
Last Friday, Kraig came over to have cocktails with Jimmy, Asia, Zach, BB (lesbians Brandi and Bonny, who are best friends), and I. Well, everyone who was 21+ left to go out to the bars at around 9, which left Kraig, Zach and I hanging out at Zach and Jimmy’s apartment drinking, and watching tv. Around 11, Kraig decided he had to go home, because he had an early hike at 8am in the morning. I hugged him goodbye, and he left. Zach and I proceeded to make fun of people on connexion, and vote randomly in everyone’s “quick polls”.
Jimmy’s large, lush, pillow-filled bed was calling my name, and I went to bed soon after Kraig left. I woke up around 8am, to three voicemails and 9 new text messages. Clearly I had I missed out on something epic, that happened the night before. Jimmy went over to his friend Matt’s house after the bars, where he ran into none other than… Kraig.
Apparently Kraig went over to hang out with a mutual friend of ours Jimmy Martin (be careful not to get the two Jimmy’s confused), when he had told me he was going home to get some sleep. According to my best friend Jimmy, Kraig and Jimmy Martin had locked themselves in his bedroom, and then showered together later that night. Not before trying to talk to my best friend (who was very intoxicated at the time and doesn’t even remember what he said), and “explain” why he was downtown, and not with me.
After telling me exactly what had happened, Jimmy tried to read my expression, waiting for my reaction. I slid my sunglasses down, and lit up a cigarette, and took a moment to soak in all the news.
Kraig and I have been hanging out frequently the past few weeks. I first met him the Thursday before my birthday at Tracks. He works with Zach, who was persistent that I meet him. After getting to know him a little bit that night, I invited him to my house party that I was throwing the following night, to celebrate my birthday. He was thrilled to come. The next morning while Zach and I were drinking Starbucks and smoking on the porch, he asks me what color foundation I wear. I told him NC 25, and that it was funny that he asked, because I was running low, and had to go out and buy some.
Later that evening people started showing up, looking absolutely fabulous. The glitterati had arrived, and it was a sight to be seen. My theme was Glam Rock (chosen by the people who voted in my quick poll on connexion), and everyone made the effort to look their most fabulous. When Kraig arrived, he gave me a little black MAC bag. It clicked in my head immediately. He had called Zach earlier that morning, and asked him what color make up I wore, and went out and bought it for me. I looked at him, and he grinned, as I jumped into his arms.
The night continued without a hitch with the exception of a few drama queens occupying the bathrooms, and the unusually wet and rainy weather. Luckily I was wearing a MAC face, so I knew it wouldn’t melt off in the rain. Kraig ended up leaving a little after 1am, much to my despair. But, I gave him a huge hug, and he thanked him for his very thoughtful gift. A broken $100 bottle of tequila later, a drag queen’s heel getting stuck in the cracks in the porch, and Britney Spears playing for the 340597348534th time, almost everyone had left, and I snuggled up in my friend Tim’s bed (he was passed out on the couch), and went to sleep.
“I’m conflicted,” I told Jimmy.
He looked at me. “What’s there to be conflicted about? He lied to you.”
“Well,” I replied. “I really like him a lot. I enjoy spending time with him. He’s really sweet. He called Zach to see what color my skin was, so that he could match it. Who does that?”
I paused for a few moments, because I knew what I should do. We got home a few minutes later, where I proceeded to ignore Kraig’s text messages. I just didn’t know what to say to him. I hate being lied to, and it’s a total deal breaker. I’ve had too many men lie to me in the past, which has led to them risking my health. I’ve decided After a few hours, I chatted with him over texts, and told him what was on his mind.
He said nothing happened, he was so sorry that he lied, and that he wouldn’t do it again. I told him that I would chose to believe him that he didn’t do anything, regardless of what my friends said. But that this couldn’t ever happen again. I don’t have it in me to be involved with anyone that puts me in a situation like that. It’s too draining.
A few hours later I was watching TV with Jimmy. I received a text message reading “I’m outside.” I opened the door, and there he was, standing with a bouquet of pink roses and white tiger lilies. I didn’t know what to say.
I’ve spent the last week thinking about everything. I guess I won’t know if I’ve made a good or bad decision, until this matures a little bit. I’m going to the club to meet him tonight. For the record, I hope it works out. But, that’s another blog, I suppose.
Matty Beautiful
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