“You're So Nice and You're So Smart. You're Such a Good Friend, I Have To Break Your Heart.”
People spend their lives looking for that one thing that makes them exponentially happy. Usually, it’s something that is almost impossible to find. For some it’s that gorgeous downtown loft. For others it’s that gorgeous man with an 8 pack and an 8 inch uncut cock. For me, it’s that fantastic person that completely captures my life. They’re my best friend, my confidant, and my partner.
When I first moved out of my mom’s house, it was Bri. We lived and loved life together. We had the world in common, and spent every moment experiencing it. In high school, it was Brady. I didn’t have many friends at the beginning of my senior year, because I had spent the previous year doting over him. We were attached at the… hip. When I moved to Denver, it was Ashley, and Aimee. We would go to the club together, drink together, go to school together, and go to the gym together…
I tend to surround myself with people that I care about, and treat every moment with them like it was my last, because you never know when it may be. Of course, I am still friends with them, but not like I used to be. Between work, school, and living situations, we’ve drifted apart. One un-replied text message turns into three unanswered phone calls. Suddenly, we’re drifting off each other’s “Top 8” on myspace, and we’re merely a friendly picture comment every few months.
Usually it’s of equal fault because of our mutual negligence. However, the turmoil in my most recent friendship was almost entirely my fault. These days, I think I look for the flaws in people, because I feel pessimistic towards the outcome. After Jenna and my HUGE blow out witch each other senior year of high school, and being phased out by my so-called best friends CJ and Tasha, after I relocated to Denver, I have had a hard time opening up to people. Since my separation from CJ and Tasha, I think that I can honestly say that I haven’t loved someone as much as I loved them. CJ and I talk occasionally, but it always just leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth, because I know it’ll never be the same.
I made a few assumptions about Jeff that I perhaps shouldn’t have. Perhaps I said a few things that I could have kept to myself. I have a hard time trusting and naturally assume the worst from the people I consider to be close to me. I think it’s because I’ve been lied to, dissed and dismissed by so many previous “best friends”. At this point, I just assume that anyone who holds that title is going to turn out just like the one before, and that I should just enjoy it while it lasts… because it won’t. This of course, isn’t a positive way to think about my friends, nor is it a way to live life.
I spend a lot of time preaching that people should try to see the world in its purest form, when I myself can’t manage to see past my own pessimism. Looking in at myself, I see that I am setting myself up for failure by writing everyone off as an asshole, before giving them a chance. This is hypocritical because I’m always trying to get people to see me as an individual, rather than grouped in with the rest of the “bitchy gays”. Thus my inner conflict.
Of course I didn’t sabotage all this by myself, however it was suggested that I don’t point my finger so directly at people. Apparently some don’t look as good under the limelight, as I do. Meaning, I don’t have secrets and masks. I put all my shit out in the open for people to see… and that is what makes me real. I’m not afraid of judgment, like other people are.
I’m not one the regret and wish about things that I had done in the past. I try to work it out, and if I can’t, I learn from it and move on. I talked to Jeff last night, and tried to talk things out with him, about my most recent blog posts. As of last night, I think we came to an understanding. People who don’t know me, have been calling me “noble” and a “marauder”… and not in a nice way. If they spent any time with me at all, they would know how I approach people, and understand that that is how I am all the time.
..if that makes me noble, then so be it.
Brady and I talked tonight for a few hours. First over text, then we talked on the phone, after I got home from dance. As Brady said to me in a text message this evening:
“As a defense, I should also say that people are entitled to their secrets. But if the secrets put others at risk, that’s when people should know.”
I responded:
“I absolutely agree. Can I use that as a quote for my blog?”
He then said:
“What, the entitled to their secrets part? Sure. I might get emails now too tho. ;)”
We both find this entire situation very amusing. I’ve been to a hundred parties where liquor and what they ate for lunch, wasn’t the only thing people were purging. Word vomit is only magnified when you add alcohol to it. The difference between me and THE REST OF THE GAY COMMUNITY, is that I’m not intimidated to voice my opinion. Anything I say or write about, I would comfortable saying to their face.
I don’t know if that makes me honest or a just a bitch. Either way, I’m not stereotypical, and I pride myself on that.
Matty B.
