“I Will Follow You Into The Dark”
Everyone will always remember their first love. The all-consuming, perfect paradise dream, is too hard to forget. After the burn of the initial break up, you occasionally think about what could have been. I’ll be honest and say that I’ve thought about maybe in the future it could be possible to get back together. I’m not lying in my bed pining away the hours and minutes until then, but it’s a nice thought every so often. The last thing I said to him the night we broke up was, “Come back to me, Brady. Promise me that you’ll come back to me.” And part of me always thought that he would.
Until recently, Brady and I have managed a pseudo-friendship that consisted of random sporadic phone calls in the middle of the night, and periodic connexion emails. He invited me to a party a few months ago, and since then, I’ve felt we’ve reconnected as friends. I know that if I ever needed anything from him, I can always call. And lately, I have.
I was going through some tough stuff the other night, and sent him a text him some time after midnight. He answered; asking me what was going on. I told him how I was feeling towards some of my friends, and that I could use some advice. He of course told me I was a great friend, and that I just haven’t found people with the depth to satisfy what I’m looking for. Perfect answer, as far as I’m concerned. (I adlibbed a bit, to make him appear a bit more insightful.)
While having a conversation with him yesterday, I noticed that he was a bit down. Naturally, I asked him what was wrong. He responded with an email decribing in full detail. (If only he could have been so literate while we were dating!) His health has been on the decline lately, and I was concerned when I read as to why. Here is a small excerpt from it:
“Went to the doctor and its a mix of three things:
*A couple canker sores in there...
*Herpes type 1, so a very bad case of cold sores.
*a severe infection of Infantygus (sp?) which has gotten into the sores and started eating away at them, and around them.
I have to take 4 things for it... one pill every 4 hours, another pill three times a day, a stronger version of ibuprofin for the swelling, and a really nasty mouthwash that tastes like a mix of appletini and dental flouride. Ugh...
Just incredibly frustrating because first and foremost, I LOVE food. And my mom has had some of the BEST dinners this week. *cry*
Its spring break but there wont be any sex for another 10 days minimum, but even then Doni will be back in the Springs by then...
And today is his birthday and Im not even allowed to kiss him. And forget about the Birthday Blowjob. (lol)”
I was speechless and outraged at the same time. When I met Brady, he was this virginal boy who was a bit socially awkward in high school, totally cute, but didn’t even know it. He was my exact type: Hot Gay Nerd. One of his greatest appeals was that he wasn’t tainted by the gay world. I didn’t have to worry about STD’s, HIV, or anything that is spelled with all capitol letters.
I immediately called him. He assured me that it was Herpes Type 1, that wasn’t an STD. He also assured me, that the bacterial infection was caused by the cold sores. Though a bit freaked out, I was glad to hear that he wasn’t an incubus of sexually transmitted diseases. This relief only led me to ask more questions about his sexual practices. I wanted to reassure myself that he was always being safe. He said that 97% of the time he was. That’s when I asked him about the **** incident. ( I replaced his name with stars, because he didn't appreciate the use of his real name.)
MattyB.: there has been a leak of STD's on Campus
MattyB.: between you giving **** the clap, a close friend of ours having the clap/gono combo, and a kid we ALL know having HPV... it’s getting scary on campus. Boarderline terrifying.
MattyB.: i've never had the experience (of having an STD), because i've always been SUPER safe. I just want other people to be safe as well. It just breaks my heart to see my friends go through this.
JustB: ME and ****?... As far as Im concerned we have nothing in common
MattyB.: ooh
MattyB.: didn't you give him the clap and tell him on his birthday?
MattyB.: (not to sound accusatory)
JustB: no
JustB: Is that what he says?
MattyB.: oooh
MattyB.: tsk tsk tsk
MattyB.: DID you ever have it?
JustB: no
JustB: lol
MattyB.: don't lie to me Brady Knittle
JustB: I solemnly swear
MattyB.: oh man.
MattyB.: I’m calling you right now to get the full story.
It seems that STD’s aren’t the only thing infecting CU’s Campus. Lies and deceit are plaguing the school as well. It crushes me to hear that **** would say something like that. After Monday’s brutal brush off, I almost wasn’t surprised. I don’t want to sound accusatory or mean, I was just hurt by his actions, and also hurt that he would say something like that about a very good friend of mine.
I’m a very firm believer that when you are dating (or just fucking) a sexually inexperienced person (or any person for that matter), you need to leave them in better condition than when you met them. That means ALWAYS using protection, being COMPLETELY honest with them about your sexual history, and to NEVER emotionally lead them on. I felt so jaded and heart broken by the boy who took my virginity, I swore to myself that I wouldn’t ever put anyone else through the same emotional torment.
I was 110% honest with Brady while we dated. Although I had some doubts about his honesty towards to the end of our relationship, he tells me he was always faithful, and I choose to believe him. It’s the only time I’ve ever loved someone, and in my mind, I need it to be real. The idea of the only person I’ve ever loved cheating on me, is more to bear than I wish to.
One of the big reasons why Brady and I broke up was because he felt that he needed to get out there and get more experience. Maybe I didn’t have the opportunity to get kinky with him, or maybe he has a fetish that he was embarrassed to talk to me about (we all know it wasn’t water sports! He can’t pee with the bathroom door open, unless he knows there’s no one home). Either way, he wanted to get out there and date a little bit. He realized there was a big world of men, and at the time, I wasn’t opposed to spicing up my seemingly droll sex life. I was sixteen, and he was eighteen. He wanted to go be a crazy freshman in college, and have those crazy freshman experiences. If I loved him, I’d have to let him go. So I did.
And he definitely had some experiences. One of which still biting at his ankles.
I just think that break ups are hard enough without telling lies, and making things up. If everyone was a little more honest in life (and in bed) I think that we would all be a little bit happier. Don’t you agree?
Matty B.
