"I'm Hung Up."

I acted a damn fool, to say the least. 9 :45am. I woke up with Monday’s beautiful sunlight burning on to my face. I shut my blinds, grabbed my Helio, and checked my message status. 18 unread messages flashed across the screen. I threw it back onto the desk that was standing alongside the bed I had been sleeping in.

I slid my legs over the edge, and hopped off. The thud of my feet hitting the cold floor radiated through my body, sending stars in front of my eyes, and a burn behind my eye. I stood there naked in the silent dorm room. I padded lightly over to the bathroom door, and drew water from the faucet. I swallowed a gulp or two, and made the mental note to never drink again.

Jeff stirred in the bed across the room from mine. He was wearing all of his clothes, including his brown clunky shoes. I thought it strange, not only that he was fully dressed, but also that he was sleeping across the room. Usually when we spend the night together, we share a bed, resulting in my spooning him all night. I unsuccessfully tried to recall my evening. We started drinking earlier that afternoon. Then I cropped naked pictures of Jeff, which a mutual friend of ours took. Then we drank more. Then we walked across campus to visit a friend of ours. My last memory was that of taking a rip from his “steam roller,” and telling his friend that he wasn’t heterosexual (he’s a musical theater major).

Jeff soon awoke, and laughed when I asked him why I was naked. Apparently, I came onto him, inviting him to get him to get naked with me. I do not remember such happenings; however also do not recall getting home, or removing my clothes.

I’ll be honest and say that I was hoping something would happen. I mean, he’s not shy about be naked around me, we’ve spent many nights together, he’s always talking about how he hasn’t gotten any birthday sex, and we have this on going joke about how everyone is always asking us when we’re getting together. Today even, I was asked if we had gotten together yet.

I was a little hurt to be turned down, even if I don’t remember giving it up to begin with.

Not to mention I’ve had an ongoing infatuation with him, and was thinking the exact same thing our mutual friends were. When ARE we getting together?

He told me he was going to visit his sister. While he was in the bathroom, my Helio alerted me of a text message. When I picked it up to read it, I in fact saw that it wasn’t my Helio, but his. And that he wasn’t going to hang out with his sister, but was blowing me off so he could get stoned with our friend Cory. When we left his dorm, he almost didn’t lock it. To me, that’s a sign he was coming back very soon. Second, he took a whole two minutes to get ready to leave. That girl takes almost more time to get ready than I do. He then walked all the way across campus with me, and kept trying to usher me onto a bus. I told him that I would wait for his to come, so he wouldn’t have to sit alone.

At first I was angry at his behavior. Perhaps it was because of my erratic behavior the previous night. Perhaps it was that I passed out almost immediately when I got in his bed, and didn’t cuddle with him. Either way, I just find myself feeling foolish at the end of the day, for feeling the way I do about him. He has so many qualities about him that I personally find unattractive, and I know he has no attraction for me, yet I’m always putting myself out there. It’s exhausting.

I did however; start talking to someone that I lightly dated a while back. I let it fall apart because of my busy schedule, and lack of “spark.” I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t have to chase him. Maybe it’s because he didn’t chase me. I don’t have some revelation and life lesson regarding this matter. Nothing to bring it all together. I have a felling this is the first of a two part series.

I think I am going to have to spend a few nights sleeping on it.

"You Heard What I Said Boy, I want You In My Bed!"

Matty B.