Bittersweet Symphony
They say that a good thing never lasts. And so far, it’s proven to be true. Am I one of those people that try and materialize something out of nothing? Convince myself that there’s a possibility for happiness with this person that I hardly know? I’m not one to place all my money in one bet, but I am someone that will put an investment towards something that has hopeful potential.
Mr. Revenge and I recently called it quits. Things were going amazingly, we had a blast together, we saw each other quite frequently, and when I was with him, it felt like home. So what was the problem, you ask? The problem is that he felt the same way about me, as I did about him. And for him, that was a terrifying concept. The last thing he said to me was, “I’m just meant to be single. I can’t handle all of this. I‘m done with us.” After realizing that he was breaking up with me, I immediately hung up on him. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of hearing my reaction.
It’s funny to look back at the course of our very brief relationship, and attempt to recognize what exactly made me think that it could work out. He’s a 23 year-old grungy drug addict, who’s not only never had a real relationship in his entire life, but only has one real friend, whom he talks shit about when she’s not around. I try and date older men because they’re supposed to be mature, and in control of their life; pulled together if you will. However, that wasn’t the case, in this instance.
You know, the best part of Mr. Revenge, was that I felt like a kid again. I felt like I was in high school, I could go crazy, have fun, laugh, roll around in the hay, and it was alright. It was the most honest thing I felt in the past year, and it was great, no matter how short-lived.
This isn’t the only relationship that’s ended abruptly because it was “too good to be true”. After Brady and I broke up, his reasoning of staying separated was,” This can’t be it. I can’t spend the rest of my life with my high school sweetheart.” You’re right, that doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen, because people won’t let it. He didn’t want to get married, go to college together, have three children, two cars, and a beautiful home, because that’s what his parents did. God forbid, he turn out like his parents: Happy, successful, and loving every minute of their life.
Since when did the “American Dream” become such a nightmare? Is it really that scary that people might actually want children, and a husband? I’ve talked to a few of my gay friends, and that’s the last thing on their mind. It’s almost a stigma to want such a nuclear lifestyle. While I sit here and write about relationships, their out doing poppers and getting fucked in an alleyway. Not that I’m saying that I’m against that behavior, but how is it, that an entire generation can give up on love so easily?
I try and pass the time by watching a season of Sex and the City. I’ve always been considered the “Samantha” of our group of friends, however it feels like lately I’ve been a bit worn out by the whole idea, all together. Maybe it’s been all the lack luster sex I’d been having. Or maybe it was just the horrible dates with a dozen assholes in the past few months, that threw me off my usually predatory behavior. But overall, I’ve just become bored with the whole scene.
As I talk more and more to my friends, it seems that there are very few of us that have idealistic views on relationships, and the future. It’s almost taboo to not be taboo. What do you mean you haven’t had sex in three months? What? You’ve never had sex in the TRACKS bathroom while high on coke? Everyone I know has! Everyone is attracted to drama. Let’s be honest here. I’d rather be reading Perez Hilton, than the wedding announcements in the local newspaper. I want to see grungy dirty sex, and people throwing drinks at each other! Give me some skanky red head with a drug addiction over Oprah any day!
At the end of the day though, I begin to realize that I begun to find a healthy balance. I’m not Samantha, fucking everyone that shoots me a friendly smile. However, I’m not that “insta-boyfriend” who feels they need to be in a relationship, either.
I’m not prefect, but I’m getting there. Until then, you’ll see me out there with open arms, and an open heart.
Matty B.
