How To Trust
The weather can be a very tempermental.
I found myself waking up this morning at 11:00am,
so that i could go to work by 12pm.
I look outside of my window,
an to my surprise,
I am greeted with a cool breeze,
and a gorgeous view of gently cascading snow.
Minutes fly by,
I'm in and out of the shower,
and buttoning up my jacket,
and locking my apartment door.
I hop down the front steps,
and right as i step through the 9" of snow,
on to the street,
a HUGE whirlwind envelopes me,
and i'm covered in a thick layer of white.
45 minutes later I arrive at work,
only to find out that they're getting ready to close early.
You would think that that was a good thing.
Ha.
I run home,
change clothes,
and i'm back out the door.
This afternoon, i decided that it would be nice to surpize Mr.Muse,
by coming to Boulder.
He originally had plans for him to come up to Denver,
but because of the snow,
That didn't seem to be able to happen.
He asked me what i was doing this weekend,
and after telling him nothing,
he proceeded to tell me Saturday night was for his dad,
and sunday night is for his mom.
[so why did he ask me to begin with?]
Frusterated, cold, and annoyed that i'd been promised it's be "made up to me",
I decided to take charge.
After I expressed to him that i was thinking of ocming to Boulder,
He says that he has plans for the rest of the afternoon,
but the evening was open.
I hop on a bus to Boulder.
This was the first mistake.
With a bottle of Pinot Grigio, a pink tank top [to match my breifs], my iPod, and his Christmas gift, i set off to Boulder.
10 minutes later, we're stuck on highway 36.
I, along with about 10 other guys,
got out of the bus,
and DUG it out off a snow drift.
The cold air was harsh and unforgiving,
the snow was wet and heavy.
i got on my stomach and slid underneath the bus,
to dig out the wheels.
I LITERALLY was UNDERNEATH a bus on 36 for almost an hour,
digging out the wheels,
so that i could get to Boulder.
After abotu an hour,
we all got behind the bus,
and pushed it out of the drift.
I sat on that bus,
covered in snow,
soaking wet and freezing,
for 4 more hours.
I called Mr.Muse.
He said that he got snowed in at his EX's house,
and probably wasn't going to be able to make it home tonight.
I curtly said goodbye,
and hung up the phone.
My question is this:
"Why must I feel that I have to go out of my way to make this work?
Clearly, i'm making the smae mistakes i've made with the other men in my previous relationships: I'm not getting back what i'm giving. Or at least, it hasn't been made clear what shoudl be given, and what should be recieved."
I feel frusterated.
All I hear are reasons why he can't come see me.
All I hear are reasons why he's so busy.
All we do is break plans.
This isn't a relationship, it's a sinking ship.
He tells me he doesn't want to screw this up,
or that he's afraid of- i don't even know.
Well he's doing a pretty good job of it.
I am just saddened that i can't amke it all better, you know?
He's a mess.
Things are very overwhelming for him right now,
and it sucks, because all i want to do is make it better for him; for us.
I understand. I UNDERSTAND.
That needs to be made clear.
I understand, and i can respect a man with goals and objectives.
It's just.. i wish that I could be a goal or objective, you know?
When I offer to come down to Boulder early to spend time with him,
he tells me not to, because he wants to spend the afternoon with his EX?
[who he sees on a regular basis]
Should i feel threatened that I play back seat [more like TRUNK] to his EX?
I feel that if his priorities are how he wants them,
then i am clearly not a deciding factor in any of his decisions.
Things seem PAINFULLY clear to me.
And i have a frown on my face.
I think i'm just fretting too much.
It felt good to voice my insecurities, though.
Matty B.
