My days seem to go by a lot slower,
when there isn't any drama.
I wake up in the morning,
and insted of the hazy fog of pessimism clouding my day,
I see the clear skies,
and smell the approaching snow.
Girlfriend and her new boyfriend woke me up this morning
[by pouncing on me, while i was sleeping, OF COURSE]
and I started my day with laughter.
How many people are fortunate enough to say,
that they started their day with laughter?
I really feel that if everyone decided
to wake up next to someone that made them smile,
their lives would be so much more fullfilling.
..Maybe that's what love is.
Every morning over the past.. 6 months?
I've been focusing on what's wrong with my life;
who I hate,
who's life I should ruin,
what i hate about myself.
But recently i've been fortunate enough to have to oppertunity to wake up
an smile.
Oh no, I'm not in love.
Hahahaha, that's a sticky situation that i'm not ready for.
But as far as friends go,
I can honestly say that people are only your friends
if when you wake up with them in the morning,
and you laugh,
then they've done their job.
Ha. As far as being "in" love,
well, that's negotioble.
Although i'm going to be moving into a studio,
and being alone a lot of the time,
I think what i'm going to have to do,
is CHOOSE to love myself enough to smile.
I currently have a difficult time with that,
just because my worst and biggest
mostly as result of my absent past.
It's funny because i've shared a bedroom with my little brother my ENTIRE life.
until the day i moved out [june 17th, 2005] all i wanted was my space.
all i wanted was to be alone.
..and now,
i would give anything to have my little brother lying next to me at night.
Although we had our ups and downs,
he always made me laugh in the morning.
I was thinking about him today
because my mother called and told me to keep next saturday open,
so that i could go ride go-carts with him in boulder for his birthday,
and i've missed him a lot more that i thought.
[pause]
Ha. Sorry, It just kills me sometimes to think about him.
Heh, he doesn't even call me anymore.
He's so mad at me for moving out.
For years, my mother and I would scream at eachother,
and she'd throw things,
throw me out,
Ha. She even hit me in the face with a pot, one day.
When I moved out,
I guess i never really thought about him.
Everytime i see him,
he's a little big bigger.
a little blonder,
a little zittier,
a little smellier,
a little sadder.
I
Because everytime i look into his eyes,
everytime i hear his voice,
it screams,
How could you leave me here?
How could you leave me all alone, and never look back?
I thought you loved me.
I was over at my mother's house about 5 months ago,
[fighting as usual]
and he had a friend over.
My mother was smoking on the porch,
and i was sitting in the living room,
and i hear his friend ask,
"Who is that talking to your mom?"
his reply was,
"I dunno. Just some guy, I guess."
I haven't heard him tell me he loves me
and MEAN it,
in over a year.
I'm sorry, bubba.
I love you more than you could ever know.
but i had to leave.
you'll be okay, though.
CJ and I will take care of you.
We talked about it recently,
and we've decided you're going to be alright.
We're you're big brother's for christs' sake.
[pause]
[sorry, i'm.. i'm just tired]
I know you don't read this.
but if you ever do,
just remember this:
I know you're unhappy, kiddo.
you're feeling EXACTLY what i felt,
and i am SO sorry.
i feel like such a horrible person.
Everyday when i wake up,
i have a picture of you and CJ taped to my bathroom mirror,
so that i know someone loves me.
To remind me i come from somewhere,
and i love you so much.
Shit sucks.
I know.
I KNOW.
You're sad.
You're angry.
You're angry at me,
and that's okay.
But one day,
like me,
you'll wake up
and choose to smile.
if you can't do that for anyone,
do it for yourself.
because that's the only way you can get through the day.
I love you, bubba.
[wow]
erm.. I guess i had to get that out.
he's such a great kid.
straight A's and 1st chair in orchestra for viola.
Ha. What did i ever do?
got C's and D's,
and did a few flips.
I know most people aspire to be like their older siblings,
but i can honestly say,
that i would aspire to be like my younger one.
Matty B.
