Nobody Said It Was Easy
" In all honesty I have no idea what i want.
It just sucks because i've never given somone everything that i have to offer..
...well, except for [Unmentionable]
and he didn't even care.
And i've never been loved by someone.
...Ever.
And I'm just scared."
That was a little blurb i sent to Mr.DejaVu,
(while he's getting wasted in berthoud... Yum.)
It really makes me wonder about things.
Like, I honestly have never been loved by anyone before.
I have never had someone want to throw themselves in front of a train for me.
I mean,
that's not what i'm asking for by anymeans...
But it would definatly be nice to be with someone who doesn't just want to fuck me.
[however flattering that may be, it get's really old.. and it makes me feel like that's all i'm worth]
Eric said something yesterday that made me think [kidding or not]
He said," the only reason why [Mr. Deja Vu] liked me,
was because he doesn't know the real you."
Hm.
And then Miss Business says that i am always so mean,
And then people on my blog [and myspace] tell me i'm a bitch,
I'm fake.
It doesn't matter how hot i am on the outside,
because i am so ROTTEN and DEAD on the inside.
Hm..
Things like that really make you think, you know?
Like when someone calls me anorexic,
it freaks me out,
because i have a weight thing.
i used to be REALLY fat,
and i'm still not comfortable with my weight,
and it hurts. and SUCKS.
(but i bring it on myself, because i always joke about being anorexic.. or bring up weight)
Hm...
Sometimes i think that people who call me a bitch, and say that i'm mean and ugly.. I only see it as THEM being mean,
because i don't want to hear the truth.
So.
What do i do about it?
I mean, i think that i'm really nice.
I can tend to be a little selfish.
however, we all know what happens when i'm giving.
I get shot in the chest.
Hm....
I'm kind of enjoying being bitter bob.
But then again, no one wants to hang out with a "Debbie Downer."
Do i change?
Do i stay the same?
I have people who love me,
i have people who hate me.
i have people who love to hate me.
it's a dilemma
So i know that like three people read this, one of them being Miss Business [because i make her]
and Eric [because i guilt trip him into it]
But i guess this is more for my benefit. perhaps i can read this later, and learn from it.
or not.
Matty B.
