I See The Future.. What?! Do You Think I'm A Comedian?
Listening To: Bjork - Mountain
So tonight was a real test of Mr.Perfect and I's relationship.
I told him, (and EVERYONE else) that I was helping Miz.Croc move today, until 5..
.. Of course, not only is Miz.Croc an hour late, but that resulted in me being about 30 mins late to my house.. to meet Mr.Perfect.
FUCK!
So I called Ms.Business that i was running late, Etc. (this is at 5:22pm, I distincly remember) She tells me she's at work, and so is Mr.Perfect, and [Basically] I totally blew him off, and she said it in a very undermining tone.. As if im a bad person, or something.
(of course I am)
So, I stop by Mr.Perfect's work, and when i get there, he half waves at me, kinda looking hapy to see me. I stand there, because some bitch took like 10 minutes to order a FUCKING sandwich, just trying to wait patiently.. Of course, while my insides are playing bumper cars on crack. The fat whore waddles away, and as I walk up to talk to him, he calls for the nest person in line (there was only one other group in front of me, and CLEARLY they weren't ready to order) to order..
I wasn't going to wait while a man and a woman spend an hour deciding between an apple or a chip as a side with their Chicken Olivada Sandwich (which is FUCKING DISCUSTING). So i walked to the register, before they could manage to move, and told him that if we could reschedual time to talk for this evening- after his shift. He kinda grunted at me, and i was CLEARLY wrong about his happiness to see me.
SO... I go home, feeling like a dumbass.. and even showing up to his work to talk to him.
Basically, I looked like shit, i was sweaty, and gross, i'd been lifing beds and bookshelves and piano's all day. point of the story: I was fucking grody. But i thought it would be best to apologize directly to him, and explain myself, before Ms.Business took my words, and twisted them. He said he was closing, which (since i used to work there, and close, i know you usually finish at 11) isn't too bad, so i told him to come over after that.
9:02: I take a shower, shave (i have to be smooth, lol) and put on some cologne
9:54: I throw all my clothes into a pile on my floor, attempt to rearrange some things; make my bed.
10:15: I pop in a movie
10:46: I hope he gets off early
11:01: Oh god any minute now
11:21: Angelina Jolie threatens to stab herself in the Aorta. (while pointing a pen at her neck)
11:32: Miz.BFF Farts EVERYWHERE, and thuroughly grosses me out, so i spritz myself with cologne, so i smell good.
11:50: Maybe It was a late close?
12:01: Miz.BFF Reminds me her clock is 5 minutes fast, and that it's not me.
12:06 (but really 12:01): She tells me to call him.
12:23: He tells me it's a late close, and that he has to go to his internship tomorrow. He offers to bring over food, but I'm already bummed out, and i know that if he comes over, it'd be a long visit, and he has to wake up early tomorrow.
12:25: I tell him that he should take the bagels to the internship.. It'll be a great *holds back tear* impression on his first day. He tells me goodbye. I reply the same.
12:25:30: I realize something:
Eventhough today was his LAST day, at a job he HATED, not only did he go, but he stayed late an HOUR, to finish OTHER people's closing duties.. instead of spending that time with me.
[BEFORE I GET ALL THE HATE MAIL]
I know, he is VERY responsible, and doesn't think it would be right.. I don't know, i guess i would have hoped that... I was a larger priority.
But that's my own damn fault.
I'm letting myself be hurt, because I KNOW i'm not #1(or #2, OR #3, OR #4) on his priority list, but i'm always wishing i'm at least in the top 3, you know?
So i know the list, it's never changed:
#1) Family - I can respect this, because he has very strong family values, which shows that he cares about family
#2) School - It's very important to him. I can respect this, because it means he'll be sucessful in life.
#3) Work - This is where the money comes in, right?
#4) His Image - How people see him. I can respect the fact that he wants to be in the closet, because of "today's society".. but I don't know.
#5) Me. Number 5.
the worst part is that He's always been my #1.
Which was foolish of me.
the sucky thing is, is i still look at his profile, and see whn he was on, and if he readmy email.
.. and who his male friends are.. to see if he's hitting on any boys (EMO TOM?! *vomit*)
Of course, i never have a happy feeling after looking at it.. because i don't know what's going on.. just what Ms.Business tells me. (which is never 100% accurate)
I was finishing Mr.Perfect's box today, collecting his things, memorabilia, etc.. and i read the first letter he wrote (typed) to me.. it was for Valentines Day:
"- I know it's only been a week or so since i've been able to call you my own. But I want to use this holiday as a way to tell you that i care about you more and more each time i get to see you. Each evening when i lay in bed, and each morning I wake up, I find it much easier to smile. Amazingly, it's easier to get up in the morning, knowing thatthere's a possibility of seeing you or talking to you during that day.
(Sidenote: The other night at Rock Island, when you got up into the cage with Mia, just watching you dance told me that i had picked the right boy. i told myself that I was probably one of the luckier people in the world because you applied for that job at Panera's.)
**Pauses**
I really hope this isn't coming off too obsessive... Lord knows, the way this letter sounds, it'll prolly scare you off.
So Basically, on this wonderful Valentines Tuesday, I can truly say that i am happy. With the idea that soon i'll be holding your hand, seeing your smile, hearing your goofy laugh, I keep getting this dumb smile on my face. You're a special guy... and i'm turly lucky to say that i know you. And no matter what happens, you will still me important to me. Even if you are a bad influence ;)-"
-Sorry- I haven't read that in 6 months, and it jsut brings tears to my eyes that that person is gone. I havn't seen him in a long time.. And that ruins me. If I was sill dating that BOY, nothing would matter. We used to sneak around, and make excuses to see me, and lie your ass off to be with me.
That stopped..
.. And the silence started in.
..That's when i started to doubt. When I stopped recieving letters from this love sick boy, and started recieving peck on the cheek from a mail-order husband.
i know that it is SO cliche' to say, "you're no the preson i fell in love with! I want him back! BLAH BLAH!" but.. i'd give ANYTHING to have a few moments with that boy, so i can either keep him permenatly keep him, or tell him i'll always love him... and hold him one last time.
..It's just, since he couldn't tell me how he felt in person, he wrote it.
Now, It's dinner at Red Robin, a Movie, getting fucked, and going home.
When the love is waning, can't we MAKE it?
I just want to be Honest To God, no ifs ands or buts, Loved down to my sould, so hard, i can't stand it.
I just want to be a priority.
But i know that's not going to happen... because apparently "everything is his fault".
What's wrong with me?
How can i get cured if i don't know the sickness?
How can I change if i have no prompt?
Matty B.
