I Watched The News

The whole world cried.
But I was dry.
He left me by the riverside.
But I could not cry.

Planes crash,
Without warning,
Melodramatic
Tuesday morning.
I haven’t worn those pants,
Since I died.

This dead city came to life.
Funny what it takes
For people to treat each other
Right.

Lightrail riders,
Meeting eyes.
Colfax Street with all those
Missing, Signs.

It took
Four month
To get normal.
To go back to
Business as usual.

Two years
to sift through the rubble,
but one second
to go back in our defensive little bubble.


I’ve never been so young.
Matty B.

Waiting For The World To Change

I stand there.
In front of my bathroom mirror.
First layer goes on, shaky.
Tears well at the corners of my eyes.
I take some tissue,
And I soak up my nerves.
Jittery,
I apply the second layer.
No one will notice the bruising.
Minutes fly by.
I frantically apply the pale foundation:
Remember, to make it even,
I have to neutralize the dark, with light.
It hurts,
And I let out a sob.
I have work in ten minutes,
And I still have to find a long sleeved shirt.
It hurts to slide the thermal over my skin.
I wince,
And I bite my lip.
4 minutes to get to work.
I throw on my shoes,
Toss my earphones in,
And pretend.

You don't know a thing about me
Matty B.

I Don’t Need To Read Billy Shakespear

I saw a guy get shot, at Glo2.
So I turned around,
Popped a pill,
And danced some more.

Then, a friend of mine from highschool had a seizure,
And I was the only one that knew what to do.
I stuck my thumbs in her mouth,
And held her head steady,
Until she came out of it.
Then I took her home,
So that her parents could take her to the hospital.

I haven’t slept in two days.

I love sunshine.
Matty B.

How You Doin’ Young Lady? That Feelin’ That You’re Givin’ Me, Drives Me Crazy.

I am really excited for this weekend.
I’ll be seeing my new friends
MissTwin and MissMoney.
MissMoney is dating my Angel, and she’s fabulous.

MissTwin is the FABULOUS blonde, female version of me!
I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life.
Not even with Guatemala Bean.
And that is saying a LOT.

I am just so excited for life!
There’s nothing like a man worshiping your body, to get over someone…

Matty B.

Blood Sex and Booze

Dear Matty,

I see you everyday.. Every time that I’ve seen you lately, you’ve been haggard, unshaven, and unhappy. Every time you look at me, you cringe and frown. I see you stand on the scale, and cry.

However something has changed recently.
This morning when I saw you, you looked well rested, and had a grin on your face. Even your bed head wasn’t a horrible mop, as it usually is. When you got out of the shower, you ignored the scale, and blew out your hair with your round brush. I haven’t seen you do that in months! Especially not before work!

I have to give it to you, Kid. You are really improving. Your face has color to it now. Your eyes have that sparkle that they used to. Your hair has turned back into its’ lovely mane, instead of that nasty knotted mess it once was. Every so often I see your, now colorful lips, crack a smile.

I don’t know what you’ve been doing lately, but I think it’s been good for you.
I haven’t heard you cry or do a line, in some time!

Keep you head up, Kiddo.

Sometimes to see you’re biggest fear, you have to look in the mirror.
Matty B.

Who Says I Can’t Be Superman?

The second I put my foot on the pavement,
I knew it was going to be a good day.
The sun was bright,
And it was almost as if the heavens were smiling down at me.
I hopped off the old, weathered stoop,
And it groaned at me,
Bidding me farewell.
I smiled to myself,
And I strolled down the street.
I could smell spring.
And I felt my spirits lift.
I stepped around clear pools of water,
And stepped delicately down the fresh, clean street.
The melting snow just grabbed hold of all the filth,
And condemned it to the sewers,
Restoring a purity,
Back to the very old city.
A slight cool breeze grazes my face,
And I smile to myself
As I brush the hair out of my face.
Straighten my shirt,
And rock down the sidewalk.
Today is going to be a good day.

Head Strong.
Matty B.

If It Makes You Happy, It Can’t Be That Bad

Eric came over to my house at 3:30am this morning. He had a semi-blind date with this cute guy. I told Eric [along with all my friends] that they can come over at any time. So he did. He told me about how this boy was hung like a horse, blah blah. Point of the story: this new boy is besties with an old fling of mine, from when I was 14. I always remembered this fling [we’ll call him Mr.Protein] as gorgeous, handsome, artistically inclined, punk-rock, and impossibly late [ultimately why it ended]. So Eric tells me that they go over to Mr.Protein’s house fro a drink, followed by Eric fooling around with his new fling. [He of course told me all of this while we were lying in my bed, at almost 4am].

Eric, like Angel, are one of those friends that can come over at any time, and just crawl into bed with you. You know, just that person, it doesn’t matter when it is, you don’t get annoyed at all by them. You just lift up the covers, they crawl in, and you go to bed.

Nights like that, are followed by days like today.

NA was a flop.
Matty B.

Another Dumb Blonde

I had a semi-date last night.
It was with an old friend of mine,
And I figured that it couldn’t hurt for me to go out.
It was short and sweet;
I was just so incredibly annoyed with him.
Throughout the entire date,
I just sat there staring at him,
While he rambled and rambled.
I must have stirred my coke a thousand times.

"When you’re out there, without care, I must’a been outta touch-“
Matty B.

“Does Us Having Faith Make Any Sense?”

A friend of mine, Mr.Batman says that I am very jaded.
And it concerns him, because I’m so young.
I tell him that, yes I am.
And It’s not just because of what happened recently,
But because of life in general.
[what most recently happened just further proved my life theory.]
“Life sucks then you die.”

I am also hopeful about the future.
He says that that is a good thing,
And that he is, too.
He says that some things you hope for,
you have to work at.
..and sometimes that work has to be from the inside.

I agreed, then replied asking how much work is enough work,
And how long you should wait until you see progress before giving up.

It sucks hearing a friend tell you that you should work on yourself.
However, that couldn’t be that bad of a thing, right?
I mean, I hate being alone,
But maybe it’s the best thing for me right now.
Stick to hook-ups.
That’s what Mr. Politician does.
He seems to be happy enough.
Actually, he seems to be having a great time.
He’s always uppity .
Maybe I should look into that.

“You Play Games and Play Tricks-”
Matty B.

This Is The Good Ship Lifestyle

I feel like I’m spinning out of control.
I try to focus, but everything is twisted.
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t know if I can trust you.
I don’t understand what you want from me.

I just called my mom and my grandma.
I think I am going to go visit them.
I really need to get away from everything.
I really need to do laundry.
As weird as this sounds,
I feel like I can start fresh,
When I have a clean living space.
It seems that my life has been pretty grey lately.
Between fighting whatever is trying to pull me under,
And trying to have a life,
Things just even out to be grey.

Even my sex life has been half-hazard.
I’ve been having the WORST sex of my life.
It’s been so boring,
I’ve been topping.
…

I just lie back,
And let ‘em ride.
It is so unfulfilling.

On A Raining Monday, I Still Feel You

I started getting sick last night.
My head is throbbing,
My teeth hurt [for some reason],
My stomach hurts,
My muscles hurt,
My throat is dry and raspy.

I mean, all on the following symptoms are probably my fault to begin with.
I haven’t been sleeping enough,
I think I’m brushing my teeth too hard,
I’m not eating [duh],
I’ve been working out every day,
And as for the throat?
Well, maybe I should sleep wearing clothes.

I went home,
And after hero’s was over,
I went to bed.
At 9pm, I was lying in my bed,
Staring up at the ceiling.
It was a very shallow sleep.

I can’t stop thinking.
I can’t stop.
WTF?

Why can’t you fade away? It’s pissin’ me off
Matty B.

If It Makes You Happy, Then Why The Hell Are You So Sad?

I spent 24 hours of my weekend drunk,
10 hours with a hang over,
and the other 14 hours sleeping.

It was freezing.
I sat on the cold, unwelcoming couch,
And watched the snow slowly cascade from the sky,
While I slowly smoked my menthol.
I thought it odd that there was a couch outside,
On the porch,
However, it was “the Hill”
And such should be expected in the heart of a college town.
My classic red party cup,
Now almost empty for the third time,
Was starting to ice over in my hand.
A 20-nothing hetero flies out of the party-worn house.
He’s yelling profanities about how someone drank all the beer;
Splashing the same beer from the cup he’s holding.
I just suck down my last drag of the cigarette,
Drop it in his cup,
And ignore the stunned look on his face,
While I walk back into the sorry excuse of a party.

It’s funny how I found myself there.
Surrounded by morons,
Who only get dumber
the more they drink.

I spent the entire weekend in a silent drunken stupor,
Drunken whirlwinds, only followed by earth shattering hangovers.
With every drink,
I could slowly forget about it all.
Every stab in my head,
Distracted me from the pit in my chest.

Men are such a joke.
Relationships are such a joke.
A friend of mine, Mr.Politician defiantly has is right:
You get in,
get what you need,
And get out.
Focus on your career,
Because you are ultimately the only person you can count on.

You heard it here first:
Matty B. is a bad betch! And he’s back!

I through with it, love, I’m finally through with it: love.

Rebound Already!

I have my first man tonight.

I'm hungry.
The only thing i'll be eating for the next few weeks, are men.
Matty B.

Only Time Will Tell

I don’t want to say that I will never write about Mr.MUSE again.
Because with my [unfortunate] luck, I probably will.
What we didn’t have ended today.
I sat on IM all day long,
Arguing and fighting.
He wouldn’t commit to me.
He says that he needs to focus on him.
And that if was going to be with anyone,
It would be me.
But it’s not.
He says he cares.
But not enough, apparently.
God what a joke.
Three months of my life wasted on someone who couldn’t give two shits.

People are funny sometimes.
I had a wonderful time at the club last night.
However for a moment,
I paused,
Looked around,
And all I wanted was to be with him.
I blew off the guys that were scopin’ me out,
I just hung out with friends,
And had a good time.

Little did I know that things were going to end with Mr.MUSE today.

This is my vow:
You are a fuck. That’s all you are to me.
I will fuck you, and that will be all.
No dates.
No kisses,
No cuddling.

No one deserves it.

Hello Bryant.

JACK won’t have shit on me![love you angel]
Matty B.

Fly Away

I get paid tomorrow.
I should be expecting around $700.
I'm going to pay rent,
so i don't have to worry about it.
That leaves me with $300.

Do you know how long it's been since i've had $300 free dollars?
I mean, I owe a couple people some money,
which i can pay them back on my next pay check,
but for now,
I have $300 to do with whatever I want.
It feels really good.
I've decided that every month or so,
i'm going to fly somewhere for the weekend.
I think in two weeks,
I'm going to go to Oklahoma City.
It's a cheap flight,
and my Ex Boyfriend is having a rough time.
Plus his friends are cute,
and he's wanted to take me to the Wreck room,
for quite sometime.
I would of course stay with him,
but i definatly think it wuld be a lot of fun.

I just need a break from everything.
From work,
from the emptiness of my apartment.
I just need to go out and have some fun, you know?
Maybe go somewhere where i can toss on a pair on shorts,
some sunglasses.

that would be nice.
I am broken, but i am hopin
Matty B.

I'm Just a Little Crushed

I’ve been thinking a lot, recently.
I’m 17 years old.
I should be a senior in high school,
With a car,
Back on the dance team and cheer squad.
I should be dancing for Ari,
And I should be working as a life guard, at LRC.
I should be dating Ben,
And I should be prom king this year.
I should be getting ready for state gymnastics competition.
I should be graduating;
Walking with my class.
I should be going to concerts with Jessica and Sarah.
I should be sneaking into hot tubs at my old apartments,
And sun tanning at Sunset Pool.
I should be making fun of the people that are working at Payless,
And getting free movie tickets from Lily at the Twin Peaks Movie Theater.
I should be rocking out to Christina Milian’s “Dip It Low”
With Shauni and Caitlin.
I should be happy.

So let it be, what it will be.
Matty B.

You Will Lighten Another’s Heart [Lucky Numbers: 2, 38, 42, 17, 30, 28]

My mind has been at a crossroads lately.
I lie there,
In my bed,
Thinking to myself;
Trying to sort out what exactly I want.
For months, I’ve been fretting over Mr.MUSE,
And the less that I talk to him,
The less I see him,
The less I feel him.
It’s interesting,
Because right now
I have the 100% assumption that I am not going to see him today.
And I’m not going to see him tomorrow, either.
It’s like, since this has been realized and accepted,
My mind is at ease.
Since I have absolutely no expectations,
There’s no way to feel let down.

My eyes are frozen open,
My movement robotic.
The sound of Eisley singing about their telescope eyes
Only remind me how vapid my life actually is.
I get out of bed at 8:15am.
I go to work.
I go home at 5:00 pm.
I remove my clothes,
And I lie in my bed,
Eyes frozen open.
Rinse, Repeat.

I can’t even being to try and self-diagnose.
I lie on my back,
Staring up at the ceiling fan,
The red, circular, shag rug
Feels soft against my bare skin.
The world feels like a standstill around me.
Seconds feel like hours.
Days feel endless.
I get off the floor,
And I peer into the mirror,
At my naked, body.
I meet my own stare,
And try to muster up an original thought.
But the same old bullshit is just circulating through my head.
I just..

I wish I had a friend.

Canned Heat

I spoke with my cousin today.
He’s 15 years old.
He sells guns and drugs.
Today, he told me that he made 25K last week,
And is buying an Ecscalade.

And I haven’t eaten today.
Me being successful, my ass.

Dance!
Matty B.

Miracle

Ten days away,
Everything should have changed,
But I’m home now,
And it’s the same.

I set down my emotional baggage,
And start to clean up the mess that I left, here.
I pull off my jacket,
Take off my shoes,
And I can’t shake
The thought of you.

I push through the curtain,
And I the empty room vapidly spins.
I sit on the bed,
And I feel my heart loose it’s grin.

Instantly, I’m outside.
Feet bare,
Feeling the cold wet snow beneath them.
I look to the sky
Open my arms wide,
Attempting to feel again.

Foiled.

Stains On My T-Shirt, Bruises On My Heart

It is the worst feeling telling somebody you care about,
That you want to be around,
That you are going to see other people.
Not date, just see.
If for anything,
Just the gratification that someone finds you attractive,
Wants to spend time with you;
Wants to take you out for a meal,
Some laughs.

I just miss that, you know?
Every time I check my email,
All it’s full of is guys that want to fuck me,
And do you know what I say to that?
Fuck them.
I’m over that stage of my life.

I am upset at how things are working out right now.
Everyone is upset that they think they are going to hurt me,
And the people that are hurting me,
Don’t even notice.
On top of that,
They want me to stop being around the only people that can get me to smile.
I mean, my heart couldn’t possibly break when it wasn’t whole to start with, right?
It’s just.. trying.

First mate? There is no first mate.
This is the good ship lifestyle.
All my men have jumped ship.
It’s the lonliest voyage I’ve ever been on.

That pretty much sums it up.

There is no you.
Matty B.

Straight Up Now Tell Me.

I've decided I really want to go on a date.
A full fledged,
I spend an hour in the shower,
Two hours picking out an outfit,
Too much time on my hair,
Nervous but curious,
Flirty and fun,
Honest to god,
Walk me to my door,
Soft touch of my cheek,
Date.

Something real.
I want to feel.
I want to be nervous
And I want to blush,
And get slightly embarrassed when I do something clumsy.
I want someone to notice the sparkle in my eye.
I need someone to give me a genuine smile,
That I will KNOW is right.

I want to walk down 16th St. Mall,
I want to scream in terror at a horror movie,
I want to laugh at the retarded ducks in the park,
I want to sit in the back of Starbucks and share a white peppermint mocha.
I want to be held.
I want to be seen as more than sex.
I want to go dancing.
I want to laugh and joke,
I want to be happy.

I want to feel alive again.

I can tell you've been crying, and you're needin' somebody to talk to
Matty B.

The Ten Day Dry Spell

Things have gone from complete chaos, to ready, steady routine.
I received my job at the Realty Company,
And I’ve been working there all week.
It has been absolutely wonderful.
I work as the executive assistant to the company,
And I love it.

I’m making good money,
I am distracted from my grey life,
Things with my family have been going well,
So I should be happy right?

The problem,
Is that although I have a killer job,
Fantastic co-workers,
And a decent amount of money coming in..
..I just don’t have anyone to share that with.
Not a boyfriend, or a male in general,
..not even friends.

I sit at home in my bright red briefs,
Watching Will and Grace re-runs,
While eating crackers and ice chips.
I have an itch,
And it’s not the now-dry face mask,
That I’ve been applying every night.

First,
There’s the itch for sex.
I’m not having it with anyone.
Although I am getting a lot
[and I mean a LOT]
Of offers,
I just feel that I’m over that part of my life.
I need something more.

Second, there’s companionship.
I don’t even have a steady person in my life for me to talk to..
Or even see.
It’s really quite grounding,
And after a long amount of time,
You start to see who your real friends are..
And who aren’t.

More importantly,
You see who cares.
It’s almost every night that I lie in my bed,
Eyes wide open;
Tears running down my expressionless face.

I haven’t sleep a full night in over a month.
The last time I remember sleeping through the night,
Was probably when Mr.MUSE came over..
..and that was many weeks ago,
If not a month.

Speaking of,
He gets back into town today.
He left for Florida to go to Disney Land with his family,
To figure things out.

I haven’t spoken to him in a week,
And part of me feels a sense of relief.
For months,
Everytime I talk to him,
It feels like the last.
I never know if he’s going to choose me,
Or a life alone.

It’s actually quite humiliating.
There’s a two choices:
Being with me,
Or being alone.
And he’s having a really hard time deciding.

Ha. What kind of person am I,
If he chooses to be alone?
How ridiculous would that be?
What, I’d tell my friends,
“How’s David? Oh he’s good.
He’d rather be alone writhing in his own misery,
Than spend time with me.”
Ha. That’s a party joke.

I am incredibly pessimistic,
And as result to all this distance,
It feels like the decision has already been made.

I suppose if he wants to end it,
I wouldn’t feel too much different than how I feel right now.
Alone.
Empty.
Sad.

I’ll just sit back relax,
I’ll just sit back and relapse.

Can't take the kid from the kid, take the fight from the kid
Matty B.

N'est Pas un Problem

It's 1:09am.
Blasting in my ear is French Big Band music.
I've never heard something so strange.
Suddenly the music changes to salsa.
I'm slightly thrown off gaurd,
and slightly irked that i can't listen to my own music.
The bathroom is orange.
I don't like using it,
because i don't have anywhere to rest my eyes,
except for the brick wall, behind the toilet.
It's so old and broken,
that there are holes.
I zip my jeans,
and i peer through the wall.
Outside, i see a large black man.
He's wearing a long, grey coat.
I see another man approach him.
He's small and sad.
and shoved deep into his pokets,
his breath steaming from his lips.
They stand there for a moment,
in silence.
they get close,
then they turn and go their seperate ways.
Huh.
I look into my reflection,
and my eyeliner is the thickest it's ever been in my life.
I look very scene;
i feel very scene.
i feel empty,
and my eyes reflect it.
I can't escape my vices, it seems.
i frown at myself,
and I go back to my seat,
and two boys sit across from me;
on a date.
after a few minutes,
one asks me,
"Are you Matty B.?"
"Uhm.. Yeah. Do we know eachother?"
"Oh no, but i know you from myspace."
"Well, nice to meet you."

Akward. my computer is almost out of battery.
So i will leave.
and now,
I will go home, alone.
and thank the lord that I am sober today.

[and that i'm alive.]

Matty B.

Vultures on a Carcass

I'm surrounded by men.
All of them eyes wide,
mouth open,
slightly drooling.
i feel exposed,
and while i'm being scammed on by all these men,
all i can think of is you.
i segrgate myself,
roll over,
wrap my arms around myself,
and remind myself of your smile.

Alone, but..?
Matty B.

Monster

I couldn't see you.
I was trying to peer around the pink elephant that seperated us.
You rock back in your chair;
I frown.
Leaning on my stomach,
I look into your eyes.
The pain and fear in your eyes,
meet the understanding in mine.
You turn away, embarassed.
I protest.
"-Hey...
Hey!"
You look up,
Pain in your eyes,
reflecting tears.
My heart sinks,
and I can feel my own emotions start to boil to the surface.
I reach out and hold out my hand.
A paralyzing moment passes,
Our eyes meet,
and you wrap your cold fingers around mine.
I close my eyes,
and I bring your hand to my lips.
I can feel your depression seep into me,
slowly,
like a sickness.
I squeeze my eyes tighter,
and grasp your hands harder.
You will feel my faith.
You move closer to me,
and now i'm the one with the tears in my eyes.
i wrap my arms around you,
one hand behind your head,
the other pressed firmly against your back.
your body is warm,
and your familliar scent gives me hope.
You drive me home.
i look into your eyes,
and your kiss is light,
but genuine.
i hug you hard;
akward;
but genuine.
I dream of a day when you could understand how much i care for you.

And it feels so strange... don't let it waste away.
Matty B.

Pessamism?

I've realized that as of today,
right this second,
I have nothing.

I don't have a job.
I'm not going to school.
I don't really have friends.
I don't have a man.
I don't have a car.
I don't have [very much] money.
I don't have any dreams.

Wow.
Now that i put that out there,
it's very real.
It's al little too real for me.
I don't want to deal with it right now.


...
Matty B.

The sky is upset.
I sit here,
in a seat thousands of other people have sat in,
wondering if things are every going to change.
I look out my window,
and all i can see,
are stresed out people,
living in a stressful world.
The sky is a torment of grey,
just waiting to seige it's wrath upon the unsuspecting "innocent" bystanders.
The term innocent is used loosly,
considering innocent is in the eye of the beholder.
My bus drives down the crowded outdoor mall,
and all I can see are homeless people being ignored,
while business class swarm in and out of the centralized Starbucks.
My bus picks up speed as it travels the well-worn path,
my own personal oregon trail.
From point A to point B,
everytime I take it,
I can't seem to grasp the memory of what's in between.
Today is even harder because of the world of grey that i'm surrounded in.
Industrial smokestacks penetrate the sky,
pumping thick, creamy, black smoke; invading.
The wind picks up in protest,
but it only blows around the little worker bees
and doesn't even phase the firm, relentless, stacks.
I look around my bus,
grey seats,
grey walls,
grey driver,
grey people,
and all I can do is frown at the fact that the world around me
is in an industrial slumber.
Every face is the same:
Long and sallow,
deep cheeks with baggy eyes.
It's almost like everyone is on the verge of tears,
but they can't let it out
because they are overcome by their corporate sedation.
One girl in the back manages a whimper,
but the old, wise woman next to her smacks her hand over her mouth;
silencing her instantly.
I peer out the window:
trying to see a glimpse of something better;
of something real,
but all i see are the same totem-poll faces
of the commutors in the cars surrounding me.
In the distance i see something.
Through the gently cascading grey snow,
i see a little red convertable.
Inside is a young man,
sporting big sunglasses,
with a matching matching grin.
I gasp,
because the top and windows are down,
and a scarf bellows behind him;
dancing in the wind.
He grins at me:
offering me a seat.
My bus and his car are racing side by side,
the driver glaring at his very apparent declaration of independance.
My face is pressed against the window, now.
I can feel the warmth of his hope consume me,
and i want to take the leap.
My fingers trace the lever to the emergency exit window.
i know that with one felt-push,
i could be free.
Leave everything behind,
start a new life,
eyes closed,
arms wide..
Then i realize.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not the boy I used to be;
I'm the man i never wanted to see.
So i sit back down in my seat,
I wave goodbye to the gentleman in red,
open up my compact,
and i re-apply my totem-pole face.

Open or closed, you're still a book.
Matty B.

I Want What I Want When I Want... Wiat- What Do I Want?

So Mr.MUSE and I went on a drive today.
He said that he read my blog,
and that my feelings were valid.

While eating at RedRobin in Loveland,
we talked about everything.
We basically reviewed everything in my blog,
and he said that I was valid for feeling that way,
and that he hasn't been fair to me.
He said he felt bad, which made me feel bad..
but we talked it out.

Verdict?
New Year, new lease on this "relationship".
We'll try it again,
and he says he'll be more aware of how i feel.

I'm a little apprehensive at this point.
However, I want to give this another shot.

And hopefully, He will, too.
I'm the new cancer, and I've never looked better, and you can't stand it.
Matty B.

The Breakup

I spoke with Mr.MUSE this afternoon.
I've been trying to put things out my mind.
I thought about it all night, after talking to him.
The idea of having a relationship is so daunting.
It's terrifying to me.
With every man i've ever been with,
[with the exception of Mr.OZ]
it's always been about the games,
and the mind fucks..
The toying and the screwing around.
But this is different.
Oh it's different alright.
I'm watching "The Break-Up",
with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaugn,
and it makes me appreciate my genuine happy feel,
that he gives me.
Even if I end up meeting him tomorrow,
and he tells me that he's just not ready,
Okay i won't lie,
I'd be incredibly mildly devistated,
but i'll be able to look back at the time we've spent together,
and smile.
I mean, we've never had a bad time.
We've never argued,
We've never fought,
The laughs are genuine and plentiful,
i'm always grinning ear to ear when i know i'm going to see him.
[not to mention the phenominal sex.]
he just.. g'ah!
I'm not sure how he feels, to be honest.
However, i know that if he didn't feel something,
he wouldn't have me waiting all this time.

We'll just cross our fingers.
It's not going to turn out like the Old 49ers.
Matty B.

For Christs' Sake!

I'm going to go visit Mr.Buff.
I think a drunken night in Boulder would ease my mind.
This snow is coming down pretty relentless,
and it's pissing me off.
This blog isn't going to make any sense,
and i'm kind of just blabbering about nothing.
I'm going to hop on the bus and head down to boulder.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!
G'uhahaw.
I am so pissed.
Fucking everything.

I need to buy a new phone.
I would like to loose some weight.
Fucking skinny hot people.

DAMN IT!
Let's go.
Matty B.

Getting Bucked Off The Horse

I've been trying to keep an open mind the past few weeks.
Things haven't really been going my way,
friends have been minimal,
and my basic attitude has been fairly shitty, to be honest.

I quit my job at Starbucks.
It just wasn't the same anymore.

Mr.MUSE and I talked last night.
For hours, we basically mapped out our relationship thus far.
We agreed that the situation was unfair;
i've been waiting around for months, for him.
He's been having a hard time with schedualing his time;
along with letting his ex go.
I told him how i felt,
as described in my blog,
and told him how much it hurts.
How much it sucks to be back burner to an ex.

It's just, and we both agreed,
that when we're together,
it's amazing.
I feel like i'm new again,
and for someone who definatly NOT new,
that's fairly significant.

We said we'd give it a day,
think things out,
and revisit the "relationship" [or lack thereof] on saturday.
I hope he makes the right decision.
I hope he can move on..
..and I hope that he'll let me help him.

I've Been To Paris. After 3 Hours, I Was Like, Are You Hiring?
Matty B.

All The Girls Steppin' Out For A Public Affair

My mind has officially been settled.
I got to talking to Mr.MUSE,
and his mother said I was "beautiful".
My heart smiled so hard,
it made me grin.

"That being said, I do feel like I have already started making a wonderful friendship with you.
You're wonderful, no buts about it.

Ps my mom thought you were beautiful!

We will have to plan our next outing, and you were the best possible company to the show today. It was hella fun"

I suggested that i stop looking at our relationship from a [BF] stand point,
and more as a friendship..
because that's what's not really developing: the friendship.
I mean, what's a relationship if not just having passionate sex with your best friend?
[we have the sex thing down, lol]

I don't know if i'm making any sense.
All i know, is that he makes me smile,
and i'm am absoutely thrilled to see how this friendship blooms.

That's right, stand up.
Matty B.

The True Meaning Of Christmas

I'll be honest.
I thought that this Christmas was going to be a total bust.
Anybody who knows me,
knwos that i am a GRINCH.
To say the least,
my past holiday experiences have been less than.. jolly.
I'll skip the griping and re-hashing of it:
[fucking little brother that get's Xbox's, Digital Cameras, PS2's, while I get nothing.]

An focus on the current status of this Holiday Season.
This afternoon I was invited to go to the Theater with Mr.MUSE.. and his mother.
Normally I would be absoutely horrified at the mere idea of meeting someone so close to him;
someone that is so important in his life,
But not only have i heard nothing but fantastic things about her,
but i knew that if she was anything like her son,
it wouldn't even be an issue.
She was. And it wasn't.
I had a wonderful time at DCPA, and the show was amazing,
To put it bluntly:
It was the perfect begining of the best Christmas I've ever/will ever have.

As we were walking out of DCPA,
The most amazing thing started to happen:
huge, wet snowflakes filled the air,
and they were ever-so-gently landing on the ground,
providing a fresh, clean layer of white,
to cover the then-brown snow.
It was just.. Perfection.

Mr.MUSE walked me to my door,
kissed me,
and left.

When I got up to my apartment,
i found the PERFECTLY wrapped gift,
with a note, from Eric.
[that boy has no idea how much I care about him, and miss him. He really does take care of me when i have no where to go, feeds me when i'm hungry, and the best part is, is that when i'm down, he doesn't try and make me laugh, we just watch Sex and the City, and eat ice cream, and gummy worms.]
Inside the box was the most festive gift i recieved:
A pair of red breifs from American Apparel.
I laughed,
stuck 'em in my bag,
and headed out to go to Boulder.

I decided not to listen to my iPod while walking there,
because the soft muffled noise of the city was just too suiting.
I strolled down 16th,
and just felt the huge flakes of snow land politely an my head.
When I reached the station,
I pulled out my money to give to the bus driver,
and he smiled at me,
and put his hand over the meter.
I grinned and wished him a Merry Christmas,
and hopped into my favorite seat:
Half way back, next to the window.
I turned on my iPod,
and watched my new world blend into my old one.

I arrived in Louisville about a half hour later,
and waited for Angel to get off of work.
[it took two hours]
but it was worth it,
because i haven't seen him in SO long.
I ran in and gave him the biggest hug.
It was so refreshing.
To hug someone that meant something to me.
It just feels so honest.

We went back to his apartment,
and his dad had chili made for us.
We ate,
laughed,
watched the stupidest movie ever,
smoked,
talked,
laughed..
It's funny the little things that you take for granted in like.
When i lived at Trinity [the Louisville Townhouse]
I got those things everyday.
..it's funny that the thing that makes my Christmas so wonderful,
are just the little common joys that make every normal day worth it.

It feels good to genuinely smile.
I've needed that.

[♥]
The Sounds? FreezePop? HelloGoodBye? Could I love you anymore?!
Matty B.

How To Trust

The weather can be a very tempermental.
I found myself waking up this morning at 11:00am,
so that i could go to work by 12pm.
I look outside of my window,
an to my surprise,
I am greeted with a cool breeze,
and a gorgeous view of gently cascading snow.
Minutes fly by,
I'm in and out of the shower,
and buttoning up my jacket,
and locking my apartment door.
I hop down the front steps,
and right as i step through the 9" of snow,
on to the street,
a HUGE whirlwind envelopes me,
and i'm covered in a thick layer of white.
45 minutes later I arrive at work,
only to find out that they're getting ready to close early.

You would think that that was a good thing.
Ha.
I run home,
change clothes,
and i'm back out the door.
This afternoon, i decided that it would be nice to surpize Mr.Muse,
by coming to Boulder.
He originally had plans for him to come up to Denver,
but because of the snow,
That didn't seem to be able to happen.
He asked me what i was doing this weekend,
and after telling him nothing,
he proceeded to tell me Saturday night was for his dad,
and sunday night is for his mom.
[so why did he ask me to begin with?]
Frusterated, cold, and annoyed that i'd been promised it's be "made up to me",
I decided to take charge.
After I expressed to him that i was thinking of ocming to Boulder,
He says that he has plans for the rest of the afternoon,
but the evening was open.

I hop on a bus to Boulder.
This was the first mistake.

With a bottle of Pinot Grigio, a pink tank top [to match my breifs], my iPod, and his Christmas gift, i set off to Boulder.

10 minutes later, we're stuck on highway 36.
I, along with about 10 other guys,
got out of the bus,
and DUG it out off a snow drift.
The cold air was harsh and unforgiving,
the snow was wet and heavy.
i got on my stomach and slid underneath the bus,
to dig out the wheels.
I LITERALLY was UNDERNEATH a bus on 36 for almost an hour,
digging out the wheels,
so that i could get to Boulder.
After abotu an hour,
we all got behind the bus,
and pushed it out of the drift.

I sat on that bus,
covered in snow,
soaking wet and freezing,
for 4 more hours.

I called Mr.Muse.
He said that he got snowed in at his EX's house,
and probably wasn't going to be able to make it home tonight.
I curtly said goodbye,
and hung up the phone.

My question is this:
"Why must I feel that I have to go out of my way to make this work?
Clearly, i'm making the smae mistakes i've made with the other men in my previous relationships: I'm not getting back what i'm giving. Or at least, it hasn't been made clear what shoudl be given, and what should be recieved."

I feel frusterated.
All I hear are reasons why he can't come see me.
All I hear are reasons why he's so busy.
All we do is break plans.
This isn't a relationship, it's a sinking ship.

He tells me he doesn't want to screw this up,
or that he's afraid of- i don't even know.
Well he's doing a pretty good job of it.
I am just saddened that i can't amke it all better, you know?

He's a mess.
Things are very overwhelming for him right now,
and it sucks, because all i want to do is make it better for him; for us.
I understand. I UNDERSTAND.
That needs to be made clear.
I understand, and i can respect a man with goals and objectives.
It's just.. i wish that I could be a goal or objective, you know?

When I offer to come down to Boulder early to spend time with him,
he tells me not to, because he wants to spend the afternoon with his EX?
[who he sees on a regular basis]

Should i feel threatened that I play back seat [more like TRUNK] to his EX?
I feel that if his priorities are how he wants them,
then i am clearly not a deciding factor in any of his decisions.

Things seem PAINFULLY clear to me.
And i have a frown on my face.

I think i'm just fretting too much.
It felt good to voice my insecurities, though.

One night only, for one night only, pretend to care.

Matty B.

Gorgeous, Where's Ma Ciggs?

People are really predictable funny sometimes.
I haven't checked my email in a few days,
My cell phone was turned off,
So i haven't been making any calls,
and i have a [full] inbox of emails reading
"Matty! Are you okay? You haven't blogged in days, and I was worried to death that you died! Oh my god, email meback fucker! I miss you Babii!"

So, because I stopped blgogin i'm dead?
Hahahahaha. it just made me laugh.
It sucks, because everyone in the world that i don't want emailing me, does..
And the few people i want to hear from,
i haven't.

Dag, yo.
Please find the error in your ways,
and apologize.
[please.]
I KNOW you're reading this.

[DATE UPDATE]
This are going good.
Mr.MUSE came over last week,
and his last final was yesterday [he says he did amazingly],
and i can look forward to a Mr.MUSE-rich Holiday.
He's coming over tomorrow night,
and I'm excited.

Although we're not "TOGETHER",
we decided to be sexually monogomous.
And that is good enough for me.
[for now].

God, he makes me smile.
I just can't fuck this up.
I'm playin' in the big leaugues.
And he's a hard hitter.
[Grill, fo REALS]♥

I can do what she can do so much better.[DUH]

Matty B.

Where'd You Go? [close captioned]

I stopped talking to you.
And i also stopped talk to you.
And you, and you, and you.
What's the point?
I texted you.
I called him.
I called her.

You broke plans.
She blew me off.
He ignored my general presence.

I don't have a cell phone.
What's the point?
I'm a frivolous friend,
and i'm the only person that dials the phone.
Any relationship in life, is a two way street.

So now, when you need it,
I'm not there.
You can't come over in the middle of the night and cry on my shoulder,
You can't call me.
You can't text me.
Huh, you shouldn't have taken me for granted.

[intermission]

People have been really fucked up lately.
No calls.
No emails.
No Comments.

Fuck that.
I have a phone.
only VIP in my life get the number.
My own mother doesn't even have it.

Are you closer than family?
A world of one way minds.
Matty B.

Grumpy and Frumpy: Memoirs of a GAYsha

[Quick blurb, before I start to blog: Frostbite was not fun. Especially the attitudes from my "friends" afterwards. G'uhahw]

I talked to people.
It was nice.
I cancelled having my mother, grandma, and little from come seeing me today, because I couldn't arrange a way to get home.
Oh well.

I got to talk out somethings with [i've decided to name him:] Mr.MUSE.
[i'll explain the meaning to him, when he asks me. It's actually an abbreviation]
Things kind of ironed themselves out,
which was nice.
I was feeling like a drooling 12 year-old 7th grader with braces,
and a pink notebook with hearts and his name written all over it.
It's gross, and disgusting,
and i'm not comfortable being so veunerable.

I told him all this.
Although he wasn't very constructive as far as reassuring me that i'm not crazy,
he was sucessful in showing me a light,
in his very busy [and cluttered] tunnel.

I can breath a little easier.
I'll see him on thursday,
and he will be reminded how adorable and amiable i am.

Que-sedilla?
Matty B.

Sitting In The Grass, Lying Side By Side

I'm conflicted.
He's busy.
Duh.
We all know that.

So what do i do?
I go out to this party with one of my suitors,
[We'll call him Mr.Buff]
And while i'm standing in the back of Denny's drunk toasted,
He tells me how much I deserve someone that'll take care of me,
That will treat me amazingly,
That will be with me.

He says that i'm incredibly sexy,
and he can barely keep his his hands to himself.

YES!
Wait- what?

This is what i've wanted, right?
an attractive man that wants to take care of me,
treasure me [so to speak],
love my body,
love me?

So naturally, i ask myself,
why am I even bothering with... "HIM"
He hasn't shown me any sort of signs that he wants to be with me,
The only thing i've ever seen is future schedualing poblems.

It's jsut when i'm with him..
nothing exists.
It's just him and just me.
It's the most amazing feeling i've ever felt..
and i'm not ready to give that up quite yet.
I'll let him make the decision.

I hope he chooses the best choice.

In my mind, there's a deafining sound.
Matty B.

20 Things I Am Grateful For, Today

My job.
My new apartment.
A hot shower.
A warm bed.
A welcoming embrace.
Freezepop
Tasha, Glen, CJ, and Eric.
Sex and The City.
My new pack of smokes.
My mom.
My grandma.
My brothers.
The sun rising in the morning, while i sip on a Quad-Shot NonFat White Pepperment Mocha.
Hard work.
New warm socks.
Eyeliner.
Your smile.
Miranda's cynisim.
Tasha's Kisses.
Glen's Love.

You.

These flashing lights come from everywhere-"
Matty B.

Coture Candy Store

I wipe away the tears from my eyes.
I open them slowly,
only to have the mornign sun come rushing in.
I squint, to sheild myself,
and two large tears roll down the side of my face.
Pressing my hand against my forehead,
I search my mind for last night's dream.

I've found that over the past few weeks,
i've been waking up with small wet spots sitting on my pillow.
Apparently, I've been crying in my sleep.

Things have been very trying for me, recently.
I feel that there is this.. unavoidable.
This feeling of.. exasperation is not only unsettling,
but absoutely exhausting.

Let's be honest.
I'm emotionally, physically, and financially empty.
I have to pay my deposit tomorrow.
[but i get my keys!]

I'm just waiting to hold those cold keys in my warm hands;
Open my door for the first time,
Inhale the first breath of new paint smell,
Be the first one to use my newly installed sink,
Sit in my window, and suck down my first cigarette..

Everything has been so out of control with me lately,
And I just need some stability.

Step One: Group.
Step Two: Job.
Step Three: A Home.
Step Four: My Holiday Romance.

Step One:
Down Pat.
I've been going everyday.
Two days down,
57 to go.

Step Two:
My hours were cut.
Let's be honest.
I'm not working very much,
and I'm not making enough money to live.
[GOAL:]
I'm going to get another job.
I have to.
I want to.
...But not until i settle into my new place.

Step Three:
I pay my deposit tomorrow,
And I pay my rent on monday.
Fingers crossed that i can pull my shit together.

Step Four:
This one has been the hardest, I think.
I just wish that he's come online,
so that we could talk.
Even if for only a few mintues.

I've had about four guys come knock at my door,
all wanting to aplly for the Holiday Romance position,
[that's not to sound cocky AT ALL]
It's just that,
in normal circumstances,
i'd jump on it. [punny!]

I just know that He has pure intentions.
Or maybe i just want to think he does.
Either way,
all i know,
is that i need to stop thinking and talking about it,
because everyone is SO over it.
"You sure do write a lot about something that hasn't happened"
Heh.

Maybe i'll try out one of my suitors.
Doubtful.

Same bat time, same bat channel
Matty B.

You Got It, You Got It Bad.

I just got off the phone with him.
"After you move into your new place,
we'll work something out."

It's trying.
I know that he wants to spend time with me.
And lord knows i want to spend time with him.
We enjoy eachother's company,
so where's the problem?

It shouldn't be this hard.
It's just..
whenever i hear his voice,
see his face..

it's like home.
Trapped By Time
Matty B.

We Held Hands.

MattyIsBangin: Big D is a very busy man.
BigCityLittleD****: LOL.
BigCityLittleD****: Kinda.
MattyIsBangin: Oh.
MattyIsBangin: Dang.
MattyIsBangin: :[


Huh.
Funny Sucks how things work out sometimes.

It sucks when you conform. Then it doesn't work. I guess a whore can't changer her spots.

Matty B.

If Heaven And Hell Could Decide, That They Were Both Satisfied..

Things are hard.
I've found that recently my life has become very complicated,
and very stressful.
My body has started to shut down,
and i can feel sickness plague my body.
I spent the entirety of the dat lying in bed,
completely awake,
sorting things out.

I feel doubtful.
I hate it.
I want to have faith in something.
I want that something to be you.

I've been waiting over a month.
How long would you like me to wait?

I don't think people understand.
Matty B. doesn't wait.
I go, go, go, go, go!

I hop job to job,
boy to bay,
party to party,
club to club,
i don't wait.

I suppose that's because i haven't found a worthy reason to.
Until you.

Please think about what's important.
I don't mind.
The best things are worth waiting for.
Although I am practicing patience,
I can't do it forever.

I know it's scary.
I do.
I'll be here.
And with a smile on my face,
I'll follow you into the dark
Matty B.

OPI-YUM!

I met the most yummy and delicious girl EVER!
I'm sitting with Eric at Satrbucks,
and while we're talking about Burberry,
and I noticed this lil cutie kinda listening to our conversation.
I thought that she was irritated that we were talking so loudly,
while she was doing homework.

After noticing her green Burberry scarf,
I mention it,
and well all start talking.
hours fly by,
and she invites Eric and I over for some drinks.
So we drink.

And we made plans.
Awesome.

You know you love me.
Matty B.

The Only Little Boy In New York

I've been busting my ass up and down this house.
And i am STILL not done.
This whole moving process has been so hard.
Ohysically and emotionally draining.

Eric is coming over tomorrow morning,
at like 7am,
and i'm makin ghim sleep next to me.
I've been missing that warm body next to me.

I feel foolish.
I'm exhausted.
it's almost midnight.
..yet i'm staying awake
because I want him to come online?
Who am I?
This is fucking ridiculous.
I don't do this.
I don't swoon over boys.
I feel so childish,
and i'm kind of upset with myself that i'm acting so freely.

I feel..
veunerable.
Not that shallow veunerable,
the "Strip-me-down-and-expose-me-to-a-world-of-window-shoppers" veunerable.
It makes me uncomfortable,
and other than a brief chat that we had,
he hasn't really given me that..
that sign of faith, you know?

I have now where this is going.
I knwo where I want it to go,
but i kinda feel liek i'm the only one out there taking a chance, you know?
I mean, if you look at his profile and his X's profile,
they have matching pictures of them.

I don't know.
Take a small breath.
light a cigarette.
I've made my move.
now [please] make one of your own.

I'm drivin' 95, and i've tried a little more lately
Matty B.

I Can Do What He Can Do [SO MUCH BETTER]

I feel torn.
Part of me wants to dive in head first.
Full on, rip off my clothes,
complete submersion; plunge.

It's irks me a little,
because I am so impatient.
Let's be honest kids,
I want what I want,
when I want!
However, that is the lesson of growing up.
Patience.
Waiting.
[this that and the other thing].
I guess all great things are worth the wait?

I think my problem is,
is that i need to get out.
go drink,
have fun!
laugh.scream.yell.jump.blastmusic.smile.
It just sucks,
because I want to do all those things with him.

Arg.
Listening to Ain't No Other Man,
by the amazing Xtina Aguilera prolly isn't helping.
God damn fucking 17 year-old hormones.

I.CAN'T.BELIEVE.THAT.AMANDA.WAS.VOTED.OFF.ANTM!

You got what I want boy, and I want it.
Matty B.

"Good Fortune Is Coming To You."

I feel like i'm in a lull.
I'm sitting in the middle of the living room,
eating chinese food.

The silence is head-pounding.
I look around the empty house,
and mirror images of our history are laughing,
dancing,
crying,
smoking,
drinking,
eating BBQ chicken,
watching Project Runway,
making home made popcorn,
hugging,
throwing underwear at eachother.

How upsetting.
Straight up now tell me, do you really want love?
Matty B.

The Break Up Box

I have been packing and cleaning all day.
I finally come to my room,
and EVERYTHING is packed,
except for one drawer.
I haven't opened it in almost 4 months.

I approach it with caution,
slide it open,
and immidiatly i can smell your scent.
i pull out the drawer,
lay it in my lap,
and begin my quest.

At first i thought it was going to be bad.
For reals.
The first thing I saw was a small note,
written on a "Scribble Pad For Little Episcopalians" reading:

"Been tryin' to get a hold of you all morning.
Finally stopped by but you were not here.
I love you and I miss you. Call me later.
:P
♥
-B"

As I skim the first line,
Anna Nalick starts to sing "Forever Love".
I flip the page over,
as if there's more,
and smile to myself.

I am so appreciative that someone could teach me how to love, like that.
For a long time I was so scared that Love wasn't an emotion I could feel.

Hello.
My.Name.Is.Matty.
I.Am.Human.Today.

Thank.You.
2am and i'm still awake writing a song-"
Matty B.

si un bellissimo ragazzo

He left me with that.
<>

My translator tells me it means:
"A Beautifulist Boy"

Broken english?
Who fucking cares.
It's the most beautiful thing that's been said to me,
in a LONG time.

It's just one of those nights
Matty B.

si un bellissimo ragazzo

He left me with that.
<>

My translator tells me it means:
"A Beautifulist Boy"

Broken english?
Who fucking cares.
It's the most beautiful thing that's been said to me,
in a LONG time.

It's just one of those nights
Matty B.

I'm Focused. I Want This. In This Case, I'm Patient.
[i want everything he's got]

I want him.
It's been decided.
Just Stop Me.
It's Not Easy.
Can't Keep a Lion From Huntin'.

I want his gentle touch on my cheek.
I want his soft kiss on the small of my back.
I want his playful bite on the inside of my thigh.
I want his hot breath on the nape of my neck.
I want strong arms wrapped around my body.
I want his warm body pressed up against me.
Most of all,
I want his genuine heart to beat the same tune as mine.

I know I'll get all this,
If I can master patience.

You must not know about me, you must not know about me..
Matty B.

TITANIC

I've been sitting here for 3 hours.

And I've never felt like my life has ever been more vapid.
G'uhahw.

I wish my holdiay romance was lying next to me.
In due time.

Have you seen my blue diamond?
Matty B.

What Comes First? The Relationship Or The Sex?

I've found myself lying in bed,
Sitting on the bus,
Or lounging around my house,
wondering to myself,
today's VERY prevelant question:
What comes first? The relationship or the sex?

I was flipping through my old scrapbook
while i was cleaning and packing,
and a bunch of old photo's fell out.
I picked them up,
and it's snapshots of my friends laughing,
funny faces,
bad make-up accidents,
and old boyfriends and I.

Here I am,
sitting there at the ripe-old age of 17
[almost 18]
looking at pictures of me 3, 4, 5 years ago
cuddling with boyfriends,
kissing,
hugging,
basically, my life was the epitamy of a gay PG-13 movie.
(puberty fat, acne, and all).
Although my virginity was lost at such a young age,
I found that through my middle school/highschool years
were very G rated,
and innocent.

However,
once i moved out of my mother's house
[summer before junior year]
i was a little more permiscuous.
I wasn't a slut, mind you,
but i was having [safe] fun,
and experimenting with my newfound freedom.

With Mr.OZ,
It was the first time in a year that I went slowly,
[I mean, we waited for about a month before having sex,
and he was a virgin, which was refreshing.]
and it was by far the most successful relationship.

In my most recent..er... "romance",
the second time i saw him
i was drunk,
and we fooled around.

WAIT!
I'm not complaining or doubting anything.
I'm just analizing past relationship patterns.

It was amazing.
It IS amazing.
Whenever I'm with him,
it tops the previous visit.
He is so genuine,
caring and thoughtful.
I don't think i've smiled so much on account of somebody else,
in my ENTIRE life.
And it's.. again, refeshing.

However,
I can't help thinking to myself:
Am i setting myself up for failure?
I haven't had a sucessful relationship with someone when it started with sex.
There's more to me than that,
and sometimes [because of my own self-consiousness],
I think that i'm SO interested with this fantastic guy,
that i'm trying to keep him around with sex.
[i mean, i dont want him to get bored, right?]
Don't get me wrong,
i can't keep my hands off him,
as much as he has his on me,
but what would put the cherry on top,
is if we had that "trust".
because then i would know it's bigger than that.

I know i over analize.
But the results that came back,
is that this is good.
I can feel it.
My Holiday Romance has arrived,
and he's a choir major.

You know you love me. Heh, it's true.
Matty B.

First Class, Up In The Sky

I just returned from the Airport.
While I was waiting for my friend's daughter to land,
I found myself sipping on an Orangina,
in the back of the Smoker's Lounge.

A man at the next table
[also alone]
strikes up a conversation with me.
He's a film producer in LA,
and hs been for the past two years.
He recently flew up to meet his parents that live in the Springs.
He grew up in Texas,
and hates L.A.
He spends $1700 a month on a two bedroom in West Hollywood.

He was very intrigued to hear that i was visiting my grandfather,
It had been two years since i had seen him,
because I was so busy at Parsons Design School in Paris.
After winning an art competition,
i decided to use the money to visit my family over break.

Huh.
I wonder if his story is as true clever as mine.

Have you ever noticed?
Matty B.

I dig It.

I lie my body down on your soft bed.
Not a second passes by,
and your body is hovering above mine,
your hot breath tingling my lower lip.
Our eyes lock,
your body descends,
and the pressure of your body against mine
triggers me.
Gives me the signal to go.
your hand traces my frame,
and your lips attach themselves to mine.
your slide your arm underneath me,
I grab onto you,
and flip you on your back.
Mild surprise flashes in your eyes,
i grab the back of your neck,
and kiss you with everything I've got.
Your nails dig into my back,
and you can still feel the slight burn of my bite on your neck,
while i slowly drag my tongue down your chest,
over your stomach,
and past your belly button.
Your body tenses up,
and i know you're close,
so i pull away,
and you toss me back up on the bed.
you're on my again,
looking at me face to face,
condensation accumulating on your brow.
my legs wrapped around you,
your stomach pressed firmly against mine,
our bodies lubricated with anticipation and sweat.
The grin on your face tells me you like it.
The gasp in your breath tells me you want it.
The touch of your tongue tells me i'm close.
The rhasp in your voice tells me you're ready.
The look in your eye tells me i'm desired.

One more touch,
one more grasp,
one more minute,
and together, we're gone.

I open my moist eyes,
to see you looking at me:
a sparkle in your eyes; admiring.
a small smile appears on my face,
and you lean in and kiss me.
You wrap your arms around me,
and i'm lost in bliss.

You know you love me.
Matty B.

Ditto

It's been rough naming this man i keep blogging about.
He has so many different qualities,
that i can't seem to pin a "perfect" name for him.

I've wanted to call him [the new]Mr.Perfect
but that's jumping the gun.
I still dont know a lot about him.
He's still very close with his X.
Emotionally attached, if you will
(they're still besfriends)

So until I can find a name,
he will remaind nameless.

He left a few hours ago.
On thursday night he came and picked me up from my house.
He met my brother, who had stopped by,
and we proceeded to his house.
the next day around 3pm,
we peeled away from his bedroom,
went and got sushi,
then returned to his house.
he drove me home around 10pm,
and then returned at about 1am this morning.

Heh.
o_O

You really are my ecstacy
Matty B.

Look At You. Check You Out.

I came home from a long, busy day of work
to find that my roommates had moved out..
COMPLETLY.
I knew that they were moving today,
but i left a house full of life,
and came home to a gutted carcass.
the only thing left was my bedroom,
and a magazine and a cigarette butt in my toilet.

Bye.
Bone to pick.
Matty B.

Look At You. Check You Out.

I came home from a long, busy day of work
to find that my roommates had moved out..
COMPLETLY.
I knew that they were moving today,
but i left a house full of life,
and came home to a gutted carcass.
the only thing left was my bedroom,
and a magazine and a cigarette butt in my toilet.

Bye.
Bone to pick.
Matty B.

Sometimes I Give Into Sadness, Sometimes I Don't

The sun wasn't even awake.
My eyes barely open,
my mind stubbornly dormant,
I stumble out of my apartment,
and start the treck to the dreaded bus stop.
It's a beautiful morning.
Still dusk,
The air is crisp and clean in my chest.
i wrap my sweater around me tighter,
and thumb my iPod in my pocket,
Fefe Dobson fueling each exhausting step.
The song comes to an end,
and suddenly the Veronicas are raging about personal revolution,
turning over a new leaf,
and starting a new [mind blowing] relationship.
I smile to myself
and realize that, that's what i have.
I'm starting new.
ALL NEW.

I have a new job.
I have a new apartment.
I have new friends.
I have a new "main squeeze".

As i bound up the stairs leading to the pedestrian bridge,
Christina Aguilera wails into my ear,
and as the creamy orange sun dribbles over the horizion,
i can feel my heart smile.
Almost instantly,
i find myself with the biggest grin on my face,
and energy in each step.
I find my body moving to the music,
my soul rejoicing with each beat,
and my mood sky rockets.
it's 5:41am and i am dancing to the bus stop on the pedestrian bridge.
The bus flies by,
but i don't fret,
because my life is amazing.
I spend the next half hour wondering how my life managed to fall together, so.
I finally decide that it doesn't matter.
because it did.
and god damn it,
it feels amazing.

Ain't no otha man, but you
Matty B.

Are You Happy?

I got an email from this girl i used to go to highschool with,
before I moved out of my mom's house.

I'm sitting at my computer,
looking through emails,
and this girl i haven't heard from in three years
sends me an email that says:

Hello.
Are you happy?

It kind of caught me off gaurd,
i mean, i spent a good portion of the afternoon approving comments
on my new picture of me wearing little pink briefs.

I spent the next hour or so thinking about it,
and although I have a lot of pro's and cons to my life, right now,
i honestly can say,

Yes. I am happy.

i have a home, food, money, friends, a fantastic job, a small waist, a main squeeze that makes me smile.. over all, I'm happy with myself.

what else could i want?

Matty Is BANGIN!
Matty B.

The Beating of Your Heart, Bay-be

I lied there.
My eyes open,
looking up into the darkness of my room.
I thought about what we talked about,
Pet peeves, weird habits, past relationships.
I close my eyes,
lean into my pillow,
and think about the beat of your heart,
and i'm back in your bed,
lying naked in your arms,
my head on your chest,
legs tangled in your,
our breaths long and in snyc.
I can smell Tommy on you;
feel the heat from your body wrap it's self around me,
keeping me safe and warm;
affirming my dreams;
confronting my fears.

I hear the slam of the door,
and suddenly it's 11:42am,
and i've been snuggling with an oversized zebra print pillow.
ah but of course.

Too good to be true?
I've Seen Black, and I've Seen Blue, But Now I See You.

Tales of a Teenage Gypsy

Things are not going as planned.
My mother was supposed to sign my lease.
My paychecks are supposed to be bigger.
My life was supposed to start.

When can I call my place home?
Fuck.

Hali-what?
Matty B.

You Have Hate In Your Eyes, And Spinach In Your Teeth

I woke up this morning,
and looked out the window.
What do I see?
A beautiful sunny day,
just calling my name!

I hop in the shower,
sit down in front of my computer,
and myspace.

..wait what?

Ah, the glory of having a day off.
Sunrise, sunrise, it's like morning in your eyes-"
Matty B.

Painting Is Like Eating; It's Like Sex.

I'm sitting here at the apartment,
watching SATC,
and enjoying some SSB [secret single behavior] time.

I've been thinking about a lot, lately.
Most importantly,
I've been thinking about relationships that I'm going to have.
I figure that i'm going to get from the world,
what i give out, right?

I looked over my myspace,
connexion,
and facebook,
and although I like attention,
I always complain that i feel like a piece of meat.

i guesss I'd like to find someone that
enjoys my company
AND
thinks i'm sexy.

it just seems it's one or the other.

Music is the most personal thing someone can share with you.
Matty B.

Hata's are gonna hate, and Playa's are gonna play.

You can try and tear me down,
but i'm in this state of acceptance,
that you only hate on me because you're
JEALOUS


You're dead to me.
Now go get a life.

Stop trying to control my life,
just because you can't control yours.

Pathetic.
Everyone is right.
You are in ruins without me.
What do you do with all your free time, now?
I mean, you don't have any friends..

Oh yeah..
YOU EAT

You KNOW you want to be me
Matty B.

Massive II

Was amazing.
I went with this huge group of kids,
and we ended up naming ourselves
the Boulder Raving Crew.

The best of the best are invited to join.
It was SO much fun.
This party was aweseome,
AND at an amazing venue.

I know you want me.
Matty B.

[INSERT DRAMA HERE]

My days seem to go by a lot slower,
when there isn't any drama.

I wake up in the morning,
and insted of the hazy fog of pessimism clouding my day,
I see the clear skies,
and smell the approaching snow.

Girlfriend and her new boyfriend woke me up this morning
[by pouncing on me, while i was sleeping, OF COURSE]
and I started my day with laughter.
How many people are fortunate enough to say,
that they started their day with laughter?
I really feel that if everyone decided
to wake up next to someone that made them smile,
their lives would be so much more fullfilling.
..Maybe that's what love is.

Every morning over the past.. 6 months?
I've been focusing on what's wrong with my life;
who I hate,
who's life I should ruin,
what i hate about myself.
But recently i've been fortunate enough to have to oppertunity to wake up
an smile.
Oh no, I'm not in love.
Hahahaha, that's a sticky situation that i'm not ready for.
But as far as friends go,
I can honestly say that people are only your friends
if when you wake up with them in the morning,
and you laugh,
then they've done their job.

Ha. As far as being "in" love,
well, that's negotioble.

Although i'm going to be moving into a studio,
and being alone a lot of the time,
I think what i'm going to have to do,
is CHOOSE to love myself enough to smile.
I currently have a difficult time with that,
just because my worst and biggest fear is being alone,
mostly as result of my absent past.

It's funny because i've shared a bedroom with my little brother my ENTIRE life.
until the day i moved out [june 17th, 2005] all i wanted was my space.
all i wanted was to be alone.
..and now,
i would give anything to have my little brother lying next to me at night.
Although we had our ups and downs,
he always made me laugh in the morning.

I was thinking about him today
because my mother called and told me to keep next saturday open,
so that i could go ride go-carts with him in boulder for his birthday,
and i've missed him a lot more that i thought.

[pause]

Ha. Sorry, It just kills me sometimes to think about him.
Heh, he doesn't even call me anymore.
He's so mad at me for moving out.
For years, my mother and I would scream at eachother,
and she'd throw things,
throw me out,
Ha. She even hit me in the face with a pot, one day.
When I moved out,
I guess i never really thought about him.
Everytime i see him,
he's a little big bigger.
a little blonder,
a little zittier,
a little smellier,
a little sadder.
I think know he blames me.
Because everytime i look into his eyes,
everytime i hear his voice,
it screams,
How could you leave me here?
How could you leave me all alone, and never look back?
I thought you loved me.

I was over at my mother's house about 5 months ago,
[fighting as usual]
and he had a friend over.
My mother was smoking on the porch,
and i was sitting in the living room,
and i hear his friend ask,
"Who is that talking to your mom?"
his reply was,
"I dunno. Just some guy, I guess."

I haven't heard him tell me he loves me
and MEAN it,
in over a year.

I'm sorry, bubba.
I love you more than you could ever know.
but i had to leave.
you'll be okay, though.
CJ and I will take care of you.
We talked about it recently,
and we've decided you're going to be alright.
We're you're big brother's for christs' sake.

[pause]
[sorry, i'm.. i'm just tired]

I know you don't read this.
but if you ever do,
just remember this:

I know you're unhappy, kiddo.
you're feeling EXACTLY what i felt,
and i am SO sorry.
i feel like such a horrible person.
Everyday when i wake up,
i have a picture of you and CJ taped to my bathroom mirror,
so that i know someone loves me.
To remind me i come from somewhere,
and i love you so much.

Shit sucks.
I know.
I KNOW.
You're sad.
You're angry.
You're angry at me,
and that's okay.
But one day,
like me,
you'll wake up
and choose to smile.

if you can't do that for anyone,
do it for yourself.
because that's the only way you can get through the day.
I love you, bubba.

[wow]
erm.. I guess i had to get that out.
he's such a great kid.
straight A's and 1st chair in orchestra for viola.
Ha. What did i ever do?
got C's and D's,
and did a few flips.

I know most people aspire to be like their older siblings,
but i can honestly say,
that i would aspire to be like my younger one.

You would've done the same
Matty B.

Runaway

I am SO tired.
Absolutely exhausted.
Worked at 4am.
Although it was a long day,
I thought that it would end how i wanted it to.

Ha. Psyke!
It just ended with dissapointing news.
Porn it is.

Everytime, i swear!
Matty B.

$1.85, Please.

I took the bus to Louisville.
When i got to my room,
i ripped off my shoes,
and through myself into my bed.

Almost immidiately,
tears streamed out of my eyes,
and i wrapped my arms around my stuffed dog
[that my garndma gave me, back in the day]
and let it out.

Today was such a blur,
but it felt good to be home.
I cried with relief,
with angst.
with happiness.

And it was WAY overdue.

It doesn't matter what they say, in the jealous games people play!
Matty B.

Suddenly I See. This Is Where I Want To Be.

I sit at the window.
I can feel the hard wooden chair beneath me,
secure, strong, stable.
I prop my feet up on the windowsill,
and the cool winter air filters through the screen,
and cascades over my ankles,
and settles between my toes.
I cast a dreary gaze out the window,
and i watch the smoke from my cigarette billow up and out,
grabbing the frame, and releasing it from it's confines.
The bells from the trains are dinging,
and the faint sound of cars excessively rushing around
reminds me of how at home I feel.
I lean back,
and inhale deeply,
breathing in the hot smoke of my cigarette,
mixed with the refreshing air of my new life;
my blank slate.
I smile to myself,
because this time is going to be different.
Because this time, I'm going to put in the footwork.
I'm going to make a difference.
As if straight to gods ear,
the smoke creeps out of my mouth,
and swirls to the screen,
where it leaps off,
carrying with it, my faith.
The clock hits 1am,
and i know i should go to bed,
but i want to soak up this feeling.
I want to remember this for when I'm down:
That I'm going to be alright.
For the first time,
I'm excited for life.

And it feels so goddamn good.

Too Strong, For Too Long.
Matty B.

Here In Your Arms

I found someone that makes me smile.
A real honest to god smile.

I found someone that makes me blush.
I've blushed eight times in my life,
and five of those times,
he was the inspiration.

I found someone that makes me laugh.
We lie on his bed,
and watch Futurama,
after he finishes his Italian homework.

I found someone that's smart.
I try to keep up with his big words
and witty remarks,
but they end up just getting caught in my mouth,
and fall out in a big jumbled mess.
[not unlike my life]

I found someone that inspires me to write.
Not in blogs.
Standard, pen on paper, write.
I've found that words just travel through my veins,
and explode onto my pad
with a plethora of words,
dancing over hills of stick figures
playing in BIC fields.

I've found someone to look at.
Not look at.
I mean, look at.
When i look into his eyes,
i can see genuine compassion.
The best part is,
is that i know when he looks into my eyes,
he sees a unique honesty in mine.

I've found someone to hold.[/hold me]
All of my senses are stimulated when I'm with him.
his strong arms just wrap around me,
and i can feel his heartbeat
tune in sync with mine.
His body becomes a security blanket,
that not only keeps me warm,
but safe.

I've found someone that thinks I'm sexy.
He told me so.
And it was honest.
And no one has ever said that to me before.

I've found someone that seems .. ideal.
As long as i stay cool,
i think we should be okay.
I'm not over analizing,
It's just so overwhelming to feel this new sense of..
It's amazing to have a clean slate.
And I wouldn't prefer to clean slate with ANYONE else.

This is going to be good for me.
[for the both of us]

I can feel it.
And best of all,
I'm still smiling.

Plastic Stars. in Our Private Galaxy.
Matty B.

The Game Of Life: Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game

Lately I feel that I'm the only one playing the game.
It really has been a game for me in the past,
and now that i'm getting good at it,
I feel that the other players are getting frusterated,
and throwing in the towel.

With old friend's that i have tiffs with,
they start a new round,
but they don't have the heart to finish it.
It's puzzling, because they know that once they get the ball rolling,
it just goes and goes and goes,
until it explodes into the inevitable wall of drama.

With boys,
I can't ever tell.
Some boys give me free drugs.
[but then never make a move]
Some boys offer me affection.
[then disguise their feelings/or lack of in words]
Some boys offer me friendship.
[then they lie to me, and don't cover their trails]
And finally some boys judge me.
[then spead lies about me]

What am I supposed to do about that?
It's confusing, because I have a general contentment in life, right now.
Or something that mimicks that.

So in this new state of mine,
I've become quite observant.
And it's hard,
because when i respond to people's words,
they become irate and angry,
because they don't like the truth that comes from my lips.
And when I respond with silence,
I'm screamed at because of the things i'm thinking.
Because apparently i'm silently judging.

That's not fair.
I've been through a lot recently.
Fuck i've been through a lot in my life,
and i'm so proud of the person I am today.

It's incredibly bothorsome when i'm constantly ridiculed
and hated because of things i'm not doing.
The words that aren't coming out of my mouth,
because of things that i'm apparently thinking.

Well fuck you.
I'm trying my goddamn best.
I'm working really hard,
and while i don't have much,
what i DO have matters.
it may not matter to you,
but goddamn it,
IT MATTERS TO ME.

So fuck you, haters.
Stop hating me,
just because today i was happier than you.
Just because today i didn't want to kill myself.
Just because today i did something good for me.
Just because today, i smiled.

And it made everyother day worth while.

thank you for respecting that.

I know I love me, and that's all that matters.
Matty B.

Skimming The Surface


People are very interesting.
I've found that by silently watching people's behaviors and actions,
it actually tells a lot more about who they are as a person.
It's interesting that I'm the one sitting and watching,
when usually i'm the one jabbering all over the place,
completely unaware of other people's thoughts or feelings.

Being a barista at [a very well known coffee shop] has really cultured me.
I get to see hundreds of people a day,
all with a different story,
but they all seem to meet together
[or barely miss eachother]
at my particular shop.

For instance, there is a woman with a red beret that comes in;
orders a non-fat double grande eggnog latte with whip but no sprinkles,
everyday.
I've talked to her a few times briefly,
but i've gathered that she recently returned from france.
To escape the <> [european police],
she hid inside a women's bathroom stall,
where she almost got caught when her cell phone rang.
After almost an hour of her hand covering her dog's mouth,
she stepped out of the red stall,
and cleaned the dirt off of her new Versace stilhuetto's,
and proceeded to the nearest boutique to continue shopping.
Why was she hiding, you ask?
Because her dog that she was babysitting
[for her parents]
pooped next to a statue,
while she was smoking a cigarette, without her notice.
Is the story true?
Probably not.
But i have to say that with every customer,
it's a little mental vacation.

It's like watching the trailers to their
"My Life, According To Me" movie.

Plus,
it gives me something to write about.

I'm on a stakeout!
Matty B.

Release
I feel different, today.
I'm not putting all my chips in,
because that would make me look crazy
[which i'm not]
and desperate.
[which i'm not]

I think the best thign about this weekend,
was that i was okay.
I cooked and cleaned for myself,
watched some TV,
Hug out with friends,
met this amazing person,
and i feel okay.
I'm not even over-analizing everything,
lie i normally do.

wow.
I think i will rest easy tonight.
And i haven't done that in a while.

[Attention!]: I'm growing up!

All i need now is an apartment.

I stirred up a little trouble..[and it was purely accidental and innocent]
Matty B.

Wacky, Tacky, But True [Mostly]

A few things have gone a little arye.
A former friend of mine is plauging people with all these lies.
Restraining order, Re-inacting QAF, BLAH BLAH.

Don't people realize that the truth makes a better story?

The truth hurts. And so does your face.
Matty B.

I'm Focused, I Want This.

I click the phone shut.
I fly into the shower,
where i completely scour my body,
washing, scrubbing, shaving,
i rinse the last of the soap out of my hair,
and rotate seamlessly in the cascading water.
time picks up,
and i'm throwing on a scarf,
and i'm standing at his door with a bottle of Bacardi.
Inside there is chattering,
laughing,
drinking.
Time steps by,
as i make my way to the back of the house,
where he's standing there.
He sees me,
and a grin explodes onto his face,
and suddenly time is flying by unnoticeably.
I drink the jungle juice,
did some shots,
and found myself recieving a tour of the house.
He leads me around,
introduces me to small cliques of friends,
and i'm sitting on his bed talking to him.
He recieves a phone call,
and i'm back downstairs talking to his friends and roommates.
Hours slide by,
and i'm lying on my back, in his bed.
The cool sheets send a subtle tingle tingle down my body,
as he traces it with his fingers.
he lowers his face down to mine,
and i can smell Bacardi and Fruit punch on his breath.
poisture collects on his lips,
and we kiss.
He cradles my body in his arms,
and protects me from everything.
3:57am and our lips are still firmly connected,
5:01am and our bodies are inseperable.
7:09am and our souls connect,
and at 9:45 i break away from his trance,
only to realize it's late morning.
Our hands, legs, entangled,
kissing eachother everywhere,
grabbing,
stroking,
embracing eachother,.
so as to forget the day's responsibilities.
sweat lubricates our bodies,
but he holds me tight,
and i know this is real.
the sun shoots up,
and we're lying there together,
my head on his chest,
his arms around my frame,
holding me close.
We talk.
Lying there,
A small look of accomplishment and satisfaction creeping onto his expression.
The house wakes up,
but we're oblivious,
because we're touching,
feeling,
living,
11:29am and "You turn me on so much-"
I abruptly stop.
I thought about that for a moment.
I look him straight in the eye,
and tell him no one's ever said that to me.
He laughs, and asks what kind of assholes i've been dating.
1:45pm and i have to leave.
It took every bit of strength i had.
But as i'm walking out,
he grabs me,
kisses me,
and tells me to expect a call.
I smile,
walk out the door,
put on my Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses,
and drive away.


It's NEVER felt so right before.
Matty B.

Were Not Children. THERE ARE NO TAKE-SIES BACK-SIES!

It has come to my attention that there are some haters out there..

Some talk shit to my face.
Some talk shit about me behind my back.

But just a little FYI for everybody:


I don't care what you think.
I don't care what you have to say.
I work hard and I play hard,
And I get was i deserve;
Positive and negative.

The difference between me and every scene kid out there?
I don't go home any cry over spilt milk.
I learn from my mistakes,
and I enjoy the fruits of my good decisions.

What does this mean?
This means that NO ONE can judge me.

Have you lived my life?
NO.

Have you experienced what i have?
NO.

Do you see life like I do?
NO.

So fuck off.
all of you.

If you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.

And keep my mother fuckin' name out yo mouth,
or i'll cut a bitch.

You know you want to be [in] me..
Matty B.

6:31am, and I'm still going, and going, and going
I haven't slept in 24 hours.
Yikes.

Well, i'm off to work,
and then i'll be home to sleep.
"home" is the key word.

huh. funny how people are sometimes.

You'll never be the same
Matty B.

You Go There, We'll Go Here, and.. YOU STAY HERE ALONE!

Hm.. everyone left.
Some people went to go get chasers,
And some went to go get party favors,
Instead of being faught over,
I was told to stay here.
Alone, specifically.

Heh.
Times are a changin'
And it couldn't be stranger.

You Know You Love Me?
Matty B.