“Don’t Want to See the Sunrise. I Don’t Want To See The Sun-“
It was early. I stood behind him with my arms draped around his naked body, as we looked out the window, watching the world slowly illuminate. The room was cold, but our bodies were comfortable while we were touching. I kissed the back of his neck where five freckles danced like stars littered across the sky. I could feel his happiness, if for only those moments, in the morning light, in our private sanctuary. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was an honest happiness, or just a result of a beautiful night with a beautiful man, who told me I was beautiful.
He turned to me with his hands resting around my hips, kissed me, and walked to the bathroom. I grabbed a clean pair of briefs out of my overnight bag, and silently slipped them on. I didn’t want to leave, but I was unsure of his intentions. I had ample opportunity to ask him while we lay in his bed looking, talking, touching, loving, all night, but I was scared of what I might have heard. I don’t understand what love exactly is, but I think that it could be described by brief, pure moments of happiness. …and I wasn’t going to spoil that morning with questions.
After a veggie bagel, a coke, and a very lazy afternoon with him and his roommate, I decided that I was going to leave him, so that I could go home and sort out the affairs that I had blissfully neglected, while I was with him. As I drove home, my iPod shuffled the most appropriate music that reflected the things that were going through my head. Kylie Minogue cooed to me through my speakers, asking me what I really wanted. What was I looking for?
As I swooped and glided through town, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I have been dating a various pool of men over the past few months, whom all had wonderful (and terrible) traits to them. However, I found myself letting go and drifting apart from them, when I didn’t feel the heat that I needed.
I was talking to Kraig, a boy that I thought I was interested in a few months ago, and told him that I needed something more from him, that he couldn’t give me. I have plenty of friends. I need a best friend, and then some. Someone who I can be completely honest with, who will love me for it, not judge me. I want to be able to do the same for someone else. I want be spoken to with kindness, and respect. Not man handled and treated like some tweaker twink at Tracks. When I’m touched, I want to feel what they’re feeling. I want to physically and emotionally experience them, without having to read their connexion profile.
I haven’t called someone my boyfriend for a very long time, because they always get some sort of ridicule or are joked at because they date me. Everyone knows about the JJ catastrophy. How could anyone forget? And then of course there is the David situation. What a nightmare. I really loved being with both of these men, but because of my thin skin (back then) to the social pressure of their friends, our wonderful relationships crashed and burned. It’s always something: I’m too young, I live to far away, I dated a friend (or friends) of theirs, I dance too much and don’t have enough time… Christ on the cross, I have felt like the world was working against me when it comes to men. That’s why it’s been so long since I’ve dared to call anyone my boyfriend. I don’t like what comes with that label. It’s too much to handle, and frankly it’s a death sentence for any of my relationships.
It was early. I was lying with my eyes open, not thinking, unblinking. His arms were around me, safe, warm, lost in dream. His shallow breathing on my chest gently tickled my skin, but not enough for me to squirm. After he drove me home, I kissed him goodbye, as I collected my things. As I unlocked and opened my door, I turned at the last second to see if he had left. He was still sitting there, watching me, waiting for me to go in. I hid my blushing behind a smile and a wave, and hopped into the house. As I walked up the stairs, I heard him pull away, music gently drifting away.
I don’t know what I want from him, or any man. But if I could have a few more moments like that in my life, I would sure be happy. If only for those moments.
Matty Beautiful
Showing posts with label Beautiful Disaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beautiful Disaster. Show all posts
Thursday, August 02, 2007
You Said, You Can’t Change The Way You Feel, But I Can
Everyone had stone cold expressions. No one would make eye contact with me. I was walking through a Technicolor world that had a raging black ink stain. I couldn’t understand why everyone was so calm, so still. I frantically ran in circles around these people, waving my arms screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one made a sound. Not even me. My brothers were sitting next to each other. I ran past them, to see her bloody remains in the open casket. How could this have happened? Why hadn’t they prepared her for the viewing? Why was everyone so lost?
I could feel the beads of cold sweat slowly slide down my face. I was incredibly aware of my surroundings, and the people around me. I run to my brothers, and start shaking them; hitting them; crying. They both look at me with brilliant eyes, and I feel them pull away from me.
They say in unison,” What are you getting so upset about? You hated her. You’ve been wishing for this day your entire life. Everyone knows she hated you more than anything.”
Stunned, I take a step back. Was this what I had wanted? Spending my entire childhood picturing all the horrible things that should happen this wretched woman, finally did. Years later, after I gained my freedom. I start to cry, and run back to the open casket.
My mother looks up at me with a completely blank expression, not unlike how she used to greet me when I was a kid, after disappearing to Central City for weeks at a time. I rest my head on her chest, and my mind just wanders.
I’ve never really come to terms with my childhood. Nor have I ever come to terms with the horrible things that my mother used to do; whether or not it was directed towards my brother and I. As far as I’m concerned, my life started June 19th 2005, when I stood there in the rain, knocking at my cousin Vyckee’s door, holding my cheerleading duffle bag, filled with a few pairs of stained clothing, flip flops, $23.54, and a few photographs of friends and family.
Suddenly I’m standing with a totem pole expression, and I take her hand, and whisper, “I love you”. Her eyes go wide, and she leaps out, grabs my neck, and pulls me into the coffin.
I wake with a start. Third night in a row that I’ve had this terrifying dream, and I’m in the same familiar position as before; wiping sweat from my brow, brushing tears from my eyes, and breathing heavily. I lie back in my bed, and rest my eyes shut.
I’ve been pretending nothing has happened. Whenever something unfortunate happens, I shut it out, and paint a smile on my face. My entire philosophy on life is, “Nobody likes a Debby Downer!” as well as, “If you start the day with a smile, then you’ll finish it with one.”
For the most part, it seems to work. However recently, I’ve been finding that my mind has just been haunted by everything that has happened over the past decade. I believe that if you are going to get anywhere in your life, you have to accept the bad with the good. It seems though, that I’ve just been ignoring the bad, and trying to focus on the good… and that can be an exhausting feat within it’s self.
I sit at the bottom of the shower, and let the heat and pressure cleanse my body, as well as my mind. As time slowly passes, the waves of heat release the pent up emotional baggage that has been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks. I run my hands though my hair, and tilt my head back, to feel the water wash over my face. I slowly breathe in and out, relaxing my body, freeing my mind, and accepting the things that I cannot change about my life, and about myself.
As I towel myself off, I can already feel some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I lie in my warm, dry bed, and try to think about how I can make tomorrow a better day for myself.
I don’t know if this will be an effective way to ward off these nightmares, but it’s defiantly a step in the right direction. Sometimes you just need to take a moment for yourself, assess your situation, accept the bad with the good, and reassure your optimism through moments of self-reflection.
They say that everyone is looking for that perfect soul mate. Well, I’m just looking for that perfect soul.
Matty B.
Everyone had stone cold expressions. No one would make eye contact with me. I was walking through a Technicolor world that had a raging black ink stain. I couldn’t understand why everyone was so calm, so still. I frantically ran in circles around these people, waving my arms screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one made a sound. Not even me. My brothers were sitting next to each other. I ran past them, to see her bloody remains in the open casket. How could this have happened? Why hadn’t they prepared her for the viewing? Why was everyone so lost?
I could feel the beads of cold sweat slowly slide down my face. I was incredibly aware of my surroundings, and the people around me. I run to my brothers, and start shaking them; hitting them; crying. They both look at me with brilliant eyes, and I feel them pull away from me.
They say in unison,” What are you getting so upset about? You hated her. You’ve been wishing for this day your entire life. Everyone knows she hated you more than anything.”
Stunned, I take a step back. Was this what I had wanted? Spending my entire childhood picturing all the horrible things that should happen this wretched woman, finally did. Years later, after I gained my freedom. I start to cry, and run back to the open casket.
My mother looks up at me with a completely blank expression, not unlike how she used to greet me when I was a kid, after disappearing to Central City for weeks at a time. I rest my head on her chest, and my mind just wanders.
I’ve never really come to terms with my childhood. Nor have I ever come to terms with the horrible things that my mother used to do; whether or not it was directed towards my brother and I. As far as I’m concerned, my life started June 19th 2005, when I stood there in the rain, knocking at my cousin Vyckee’s door, holding my cheerleading duffle bag, filled with a few pairs of stained clothing, flip flops, $23.54, and a few photographs of friends and family.
Suddenly I’m standing with a totem pole expression, and I take her hand, and whisper, “I love you”. Her eyes go wide, and she leaps out, grabs my neck, and pulls me into the coffin.
I wake with a start. Third night in a row that I’ve had this terrifying dream, and I’m in the same familiar position as before; wiping sweat from my brow, brushing tears from my eyes, and breathing heavily. I lie back in my bed, and rest my eyes shut.
I’ve been pretending nothing has happened. Whenever something unfortunate happens, I shut it out, and paint a smile on my face. My entire philosophy on life is, “Nobody likes a Debby Downer!” as well as, “If you start the day with a smile, then you’ll finish it with one.”
For the most part, it seems to work. However recently, I’ve been finding that my mind has just been haunted by everything that has happened over the past decade. I believe that if you are going to get anywhere in your life, you have to accept the bad with the good. It seems though, that I’ve just been ignoring the bad, and trying to focus on the good… and that can be an exhausting feat within it’s self.
I sit at the bottom of the shower, and let the heat and pressure cleanse my body, as well as my mind. As time slowly passes, the waves of heat release the pent up emotional baggage that has been plaguing my mind for the past few weeks. I run my hands though my hair, and tilt my head back, to feel the water wash over my face. I slowly breathe in and out, relaxing my body, freeing my mind, and accepting the things that I cannot change about my life, and about myself.
As I towel myself off, I can already feel some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I lie in my warm, dry bed, and try to think about how I can make tomorrow a better day for myself.
I don’t know if this will be an effective way to ward off these nightmares, but it’s defiantly a step in the right direction. Sometimes you just need to take a moment for yourself, assess your situation, accept the bad with the good, and reassure your optimism through moments of self-reflection.
They say that everyone is looking for that perfect soul mate. Well, I’m just looking for that perfect soul.
Matty B.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
You‘re My Prince Charming, Coming To Rescue Me? Apparently I Can Save Myself, Thank You.
“Tell me you love me.”
“I love you.”
“Promise me you’ll call me tomorrow?”
“Promise.”
Four thousand, three hundred, and twenty minutes.
I mustered up the most convincing nonchalant voice I could, attempting to persuade his voicemail that I was in complete control of, not only my emotions, but that I was now a mature, attractive, successful adult. The sound of my voice was supposed to project my readiness to win him over, yet still have a confidant ease and playfulness. All within to appropriately timed voicemails, and one absolutely adorable Facebook wall message.
I haven’t heard from him in three days, and although I don’t think the same way I used to (emotional, upset, and generally emotionally dependant), I felt and irking feeling that something wasn’t right. It still doesn’t feel right. Normally, when I’m deliberately blown off, I get mad and upset. However, I feel this odd sense of calm about me.
I talked to my friend Maria, to help me recap that evening. She had spoken to him for about an hour, and she revealed to me, some things that I wasn’t aware of. Comparisons, fears of settling, fear of love, perhaps? I hear that there has to be more. As if he would be settling, by being with me. There’s bigger and better fish out there? There just has to be more out there, than Matty?
[pause.]
My typical reaction a year ago would have been outrage and indignation. Not so fast, Mr. Emotional. I take a step back and look at the entire situation as a whole.
In this week’s “Grey’s Anatomy” Taye Diggs wakes up one morning, and decides he wants to divorce his high school love. They’re both doctors, both successful, and both happy. They have a daughter, a practice in LA, and wonderful mutual friends. He just wakes up one morning, and decides that he wants more; he wants something else. So, they divorce.
Is it best that we not get involved at all? From the lack of returned phone calls, and blatant broken promise, it seems that he isn’t the person that I so desperately want him to be. It’s not like I’m asking things to be “how they were”. In fact, that’s the last thing that I want. What I want, is the learn who he is, now. What I want, is to fall in love with this new, mature person, that he’s come across as (disregarding the past three days). What I want, is him to be mature enough to have a real relationship. I want him to be fearless, and strong. This wonderful man, that I see him as. That I see him becoming.
I suppose all he knows right now, is to run and hide. Tough questions are asked, emotions run high, and he’s not sure how to handle them. So he disappears. Not the most mature route, but not completely uncharacteristic of him. I understand. In fact, I’m not too surprised. Maybe that’s I’m not mad or upset. I’m just disappointed. I guess I expected more from this “seasoned” man, that sat on the phone with me, until 4:30am.
He could have hung up, but he didn’t.
He had class mere hours after we ended our conversation, but he stayed and talked to me.
At the end of the episode, Taye Diggs realizes the massive mistake that he made, and as his ex-but-soon-to-be-wife-again walks by, he realizes that they are going to be okay. That he has an uncontrollable love for her. The difference? Taye stood up, and said something. He made the choice to be happy.
“Tell me you love me.”
“I love you.”
“Promise me you’ll call me tomorrow?”
“Promise.”
Four thousand, three hundred, and twenty minutes.
I mustered up the most convincing nonchalant voice I could, attempting to persuade his voicemail that I was in complete control of, not only my emotions, but that I was now a mature, attractive, successful adult. The sound of my voice was supposed to project my readiness to win him over, yet still have a confidant ease and playfulness. All within to appropriately timed voicemails, and one absolutely adorable Facebook wall message.
I haven’t heard from him in three days, and although I don’t think the same way I used to (emotional, upset, and generally emotionally dependant), I felt and irking feeling that something wasn’t right. It still doesn’t feel right. Normally, when I’m deliberately blown off, I get mad and upset. However, I feel this odd sense of calm about me.
I talked to my friend Maria, to help me recap that evening. She had spoken to him for about an hour, and she revealed to me, some things that I wasn’t aware of. Comparisons, fears of settling, fear of love, perhaps? I hear that there has to be more. As if he would be settling, by being with me. There’s bigger and better fish out there? There just has to be more out there, than Matty?
[pause.]
My typical reaction a year ago would have been outrage and indignation. Not so fast, Mr. Emotional. I take a step back and look at the entire situation as a whole.
In this week’s “Grey’s Anatomy” Taye Diggs wakes up one morning, and decides he wants to divorce his high school love. They’re both doctors, both successful, and both happy. They have a daughter, a practice in LA, and wonderful mutual friends. He just wakes up one morning, and decides that he wants more; he wants something else. So, they divorce.
Is it best that we not get involved at all? From the lack of returned phone calls, and blatant broken promise, it seems that he isn’t the person that I so desperately want him to be. It’s not like I’m asking things to be “how they were”. In fact, that’s the last thing that I want. What I want, is the learn who he is, now. What I want, is to fall in love with this new, mature person, that he’s come across as (disregarding the past three days). What I want, is him to be mature enough to have a real relationship. I want him to be fearless, and strong. This wonderful man, that I see him as. That I see him becoming.
I suppose all he knows right now, is to run and hide. Tough questions are asked, emotions run high, and he’s not sure how to handle them. So he disappears. Not the most mature route, but not completely uncharacteristic of him. I understand. In fact, I’m not too surprised. Maybe that’s I’m not mad or upset. I’m just disappointed. I guess I expected more from this “seasoned” man, that sat on the phone with me, until 4:30am.
He could have hung up, but he didn’t.
He had class mere hours after we ended our conversation, but he stayed and talked to me.
At the end of the episode, Taye Diggs realizes the massive mistake that he made, and as his ex-but-soon-to-be-wife-again walks by, he realizes that they are going to be okay. That he has an uncontrollable love for her. The difference? Taye stood up, and said something. He made the choice to be happy.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Hello Again
I had a dream about you.
New York City,
The lights were bright,
almost competing with your smile.
We were getting out of a cab,
and you opened my door,
helping me out.
You tossed a $10 at the driver,
led me on the sidewalk,
To the front of a sparkling movie theater.
You wrapped your arms around me
and pulled me in close.
I could smell the cologne I bought you
and your breath was warm, thick; familliar.
You had a cheeky grin on your face.
You slid your arm down the small of my back,
and used your entire body to kiss me.
I could feel it all,
How you were a little scruffy on your cheek,
the soft hair and smooth skin on your arms,
the small curls in your hair,
the slight fog of your glasses.
You told me you loved me.
I woke up.
And then I cried.
Matty B.
I had a dream about you.
New York City,
The lights were bright,
almost competing with your smile.
We were getting out of a cab,
and you opened my door,
helping me out.
You tossed a $10 at the driver,
led me on the sidewalk,
To the front of a sparkling movie theater.
You wrapped your arms around me
and pulled me in close.
I could smell the cologne I bought you
and your breath was warm, thick; familliar.
You had a cheeky grin on your face.
You slid your arm down the small of my back,
and used your entire body to kiss me.
I could feel it all,
How you were a little scruffy on your cheek,
the soft hair and smooth skin on your arms,
the small curls in your hair,
the slight fog of your glasses.
You told me you loved me.
I woke up.
And then I cried.
Matty B.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The Slant.
I haven’t been dreaming.
I lie there silent, unmoving.
The room is completely dark,
Traced by deep cherry oak finishing’s.
It’s cold,
The air is still,
Only moved slightly by the teetering ceiling fan,
Spinning in a sickening repetition.
The room is parched,
And my lips are cracked.
My eyes creak open,
Painful and forced.
My body feels like a worn ship,
Set out on a torrent of emptiness and turmoil.
First mate?
There is no first mate.
This is an empty voyage
Sailing to an unimportant destination.
Every night I drown myself in a sea of sleep,
Aided by my plentiful supply of sedatives.
Three will give me 6 hours,
Four will give me ten.
If I take more than 5,
I can muffle the entire weekend.
I’m wide awake now,
Eyes dry and red.
I’ve been sleeping,
But I haven’t felt rested in months.
My bones creak as I surface.
I take in my first breath of air.
The raging waters calm,
I focus my eyes.
And I wonder,
Is this the dream?
Matty B.
I haven’t been dreaming.
I lie there silent, unmoving.
The room is completely dark,
Traced by deep cherry oak finishing’s.
It’s cold,
The air is still,
Only moved slightly by the teetering ceiling fan,
Spinning in a sickening repetition.
The room is parched,
And my lips are cracked.
My eyes creak open,
Painful and forced.
My body feels like a worn ship,
Set out on a torrent of emptiness and turmoil.
First mate?
There is no first mate.
This is an empty voyage
Sailing to an unimportant destination.
Every night I drown myself in a sea of sleep,
Aided by my plentiful supply of sedatives.
Three will give me 6 hours,
Four will give me ten.
If I take more than 5,
I can muffle the entire weekend.
I’m wide awake now,
Eyes dry and red.
I’ve been sleeping,
But I haven’t felt rested in months.
My bones creak as I surface.
I take in my first breath of air.
The raging waters calm,
I focus my eyes.
And I wonder,
Is this the dream?
Matty B.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Waiting For The World To Change
I stand there.
In front of my bathroom mirror.
First layer goes on, shaky.
Tears well at the corners of my eyes.
I take some tissue,
And I soak up my nerves.
Jittery,
I apply the second layer.
No one will notice the bruising.
Minutes fly by.
I frantically apply the pale foundation:
Remember, to make it even,
I have to neutralize the dark, with light.
It hurts,
And I let out a sob.
I have work in ten minutes,
And I still have to find a long sleeved shirt.
It hurts to slide the thermal over my skin.
I wince,
And I bite my lip.
4 minutes to get to work.
I throw on my shoes,
Toss my earphones in,
And pretend.
Matty B.
I stand there.
In front of my bathroom mirror.
First layer goes on, shaky.
Tears well at the corners of my eyes.
I take some tissue,
And I soak up my nerves.
Jittery,
I apply the second layer.
No one will notice the bruising.
Minutes fly by.
I frantically apply the pale foundation:
Remember, to make it even,
I have to neutralize the dark, with light.
It hurts,
And I let out a sob.
I have work in ten minutes,
And I still have to find a long sleeved shirt.
It hurts to slide the thermal over my skin.
I wince,
And I bite my lip.
4 minutes to get to work.
I throw on my shoes,
Toss my earphones in,
And pretend.
Matty B.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
This Is The Good Ship Lifestyle
I feel like I’m spinning out of control.
I try to focus, but everything is twisted.
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t know if I can trust you.
I don’t understand what you want from me.
I just called my mom and my grandma.
I think I am going to go visit them.
I really need to get away from everything.
I really need to do laundry.
As weird as this sounds,
I feel like I can start fresh,
When I have a clean living space.
It seems that my life has been pretty grey lately.
Between fighting whatever is trying to pull me under,
And trying to have a life,
Things just even out to be grey.
Even my sex life has been half-hazard.
I’ve been having the WORST sex of my life.
It’s been so boring,
I’ve been topping.
…
I just lie back,
And let ‘em ride.
It is so unfulfilling.
I feel like I’m spinning out of control.
I try to focus, but everything is twisted.
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t know if I can trust you.
I don’t understand what you want from me.
I just called my mom and my grandma.
I think I am going to go visit them.
I really need to get away from everything.
I really need to do laundry.
As weird as this sounds,
I feel like I can start fresh,
When I have a clean living space.
It seems that my life has been pretty grey lately.
Between fighting whatever is trying to pull me under,
And trying to have a life,
Things just even out to be grey.
Even my sex life has been half-hazard.
I’ve been having the WORST sex of my life.
It’s been so boring,
I’ve been topping.
…
I just lie back,
And let ‘em ride.
It is so unfulfilling.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Gorgeous, Where's Ma Ciggs?
People are reallypredictable funny sometimes.
I haven't checked my email in a few days,
My cell phone was turned off,
So i haven't been making any calls,
and i have a [full] inbox of emails reading
"Matty! Are you okay? You haven't blogged in days, and I was worried to death that you died! Oh my god, email meback fucker! I miss you Babii!"
So, because I stopped blgogin i'm dead?
Hahahahaha. it just made me laugh.
It sucks, because everyone in the world that i don't want emailing me, does..
And the few people i want to hear from,
i haven't.
Dag, yo.
Please find the error in your ways,
and apologize.
[please.]
I KNOW you're reading this.
[DATE UPDATE]
This are going good.
Mr.MUSE came over last week,
and his last final was yesterday [he says he did amazingly],
and i can look forward to a Mr.MUSE-rich Holiday.
He's coming over tomorrow night,
and I'm excited.
Although we're not "TOGETHER",
we decided to be sexually monogomous.
And that is good enough for me.
[for now].
God, he makes me smile.
I just can't fuck this up.
I'm playin' in the big leaugues.
And he's a hard hitter.
[Grill, fo REALS]♥
Matty B.
People are really
I haven't checked my email in a few days,
My cell phone was turned off,
So i haven't been making any calls,
and i have a [full] inbox of emails reading
"Matty! Are you okay? You haven't blogged in days, and I was worried to death that you died! Oh my god, email meback fucker! I miss you Babii!"
So, because I stopped blgogin i'm dead?
Hahahahaha. it just made me laugh.
It sucks, because everyone in the world that i don't want emailing me, does..
And the few people i want to hear from,
i haven't.
Dag, yo.
Please find the error in your ways,
and apologize.
[please.]
I KNOW you're reading this.
[DATE UPDATE]
This are going good.
Mr.MUSE came over last week,
and his last final was yesterday [he says he did amazingly],
and i can look forward to a Mr.MUSE-rich Holiday.
He's coming over tomorrow night,
and I'm excited.
Although we're not "TOGETHER",
we decided to be sexually monogomous.
And that is good enough for me.
[for now].
God, he makes me smile.
I just can't fuck this up.
I'm playin' in the big leaugues.
And he's a hard hitter.
[Grill, fo REALS]♥
Matty B.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
"Good Fortune Is Coming To You."
I feel like i'm in a lull.
I'm sitting in the middle of the living room,
eating chinese food.
The silence is head-pounding.
I look around the empty house,
and mirror images of our history are laughing,
dancing,
crying,
smoking,
drinking,
eating BBQ chicken,
watching Project Runway,
making home made popcorn,
hugging,
throwing underwear at eachother.
How upsetting.
Matty B.
I feel like i'm in a lull.
I'm sitting in the middle of the living room,
eating chinese food.
The silence is head-pounding.
I look around the empty house,
and mirror images of our history are laughing,
dancing,
crying,
smoking,
drinking,
eating BBQ chicken,
watching Project Runway,
making home made popcorn,
hugging,
throwing underwear at eachother.
How upsetting.
Matty B.
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