What Comes First? The Relationship Or The Sex?

I've found myself lying in bed,
Sitting on the bus,
Or lounging around my house,
wondering to myself,
today's VERY prevelant question:
What comes first? The relationship or the sex?

I was flipping through my old scrapbook
while i was cleaning and packing,
and a bunch of old photo's fell out.
I picked them up,
and it's snapshots of my friends laughing,
funny faces,
bad make-up accidents,
and old boyfriends and I.

Here I am,
sitting there at the ripe-old age of 17
[almost 18]
looking at pictures of me 3, 4, 5 years ago
cuddling with boyfriends,
kissing,
hugging,
basically, my life was the epitamy of a gay PG-13 movie.
(puberty fat, acne, and all).
Although my virginity was lost at such a young age,
I found that through my middle school/highschool years
were very G rated,
and innocent.

However,
once i moved out of my mother's house
[summer before junior year]
i was a little more permiscuous.
I wasn't a slut, mind you,
but i was having [safe] fun,
and experimenting with my newfound freedom.

With Mr.OZ,
It was the first time in a year that I went slowly,
[I mean, we waited for about a month before having sex,
and he was a virgin, which was refreshing.]
and it was by far the most successful relationship.

In my most recent..er... "romance",
the second time i saw him
i was drunk,
and we fooled around.

WAIT!
I'm not complaining or doubting anything.
I'm just analizing past relationship patterns.

It was amazing.
It IS amazing.
Whenever I'm with him,
it tops the previous visit.
He is so genuine,
caring and thoughtful.
I don't think i've smiled so much on account of somebody else,
in my ENTIRE life.
And it's.. again, refeshing.

However,
I can't help thinking to myself:
Am i setting myself up for failure?
I haven't had a sucessful relationship with someone when it started with sex.
There's more to me than that,
and sometimes [because of my own self-consiousness],
I think that i'm SO interested with this fantastic guy,
that i'm trying to keep him around with sex.
[i mean, i dont want him to get bored, right?]
Don't get me wrong,
i can't keep my hands off him,
as much as he has his on me,
but what would put the cherry on top,
is if we had that "trust".
because then i would know it's bigger than that.

I know i over analize.
But the results that came back,
is that this is good.
I can feel it.
My Holiday Romance has arrived,
and he's a choir major.

You know you love me. Heh, it's true.
Matty B.

First Class, Up In The Sky

I just returned from the Airport.
While I was waiting for my friend's daughter to land,
I found myself sipping on an Orangina,
in the back of the Smoker's Lounge.

A man at the next table
[also alone]
strikes up a conversation with me.
He's a film producer in LA,
and hs been for the past two years.
He recently flew up to meet his parents that live in the Springs.
He grew up in Texas,
and hates L.A.
He spends $1700 a month on a two bedroom in West Hollywood.

He was very intrigued to hear that i was visiting my grandfather,
It had been two years since i had seen him,
because I was so busy at Parsons Design School in Paris.
After winning an art competition,
i decided to use the money to visit my family over break.

Huh.
I wonder if his story is as true clever as mine.

Have you ever noticed?
Matty B.

I dig It.

I lie my body down on your soft bed.
Not a second passes by,
and your body is hovering above mine,
your hot breath tingling my lower lip.
Our eyes lock,
your body descends,
and the pressure of your body against mine
triggers me.
Gives me the signal to go.
your hand traces my frame,
and your lips attach themselves to mine.
your slide your arm underneath me,
I grab onto you,
and flip you on your back.
Mild surprise flashes in your eyes,
i grab the back of your neck,
and kiss you with everything I've got.
Your nails dig into my back,
and you can still feel the slight burn of my bite on your neck,
while i slowly drag my tongue down your chest,
over your stomach,
and past your belly button.
Your body tenses up,
and i know you're close,
so i pull away,
and you toss me back up on the bed.
you're on my again,
looking at me face to face,
condensation accumulating on your brow.
my legs wrapped around you,
your stomach pressed firmly against mine,
our bodies lubricated with anticipation and sweat.
The grin on your face tells me you like it.
The gasp in your breath tells me you want it.
The touch of your tongue tells me i'm close.
The rhasp in your voice tells me you're ready.
The look in your eye tells me i'm desired.

One more touch,
one more grasp,
one more minute,
and together, we're gone.

I open my moist eyes,
to see you looking at me:
a sparkle in your eyes; admiring.
a small smile appears on my face,
and you lean in and kiss me.
You wrap your arms around me,
and i'm lost in bliss.

You know you love me.
Matty B.

Ditto

It's been rough naming this man i keep blogging about.
He has so many different qualities,
that i can't seem to pin a "perfect" name for him.

I've wanted to call him [the new]Mr.Perfect
but that's jumping the gun.
I still dont know a lot about him.
He's still very close with his X.
Emotionally attached, if you will
(they're still besfriends)

So until I can find a name,
he will remaind nameless.

He left a few hours ago.
On thursday night he came and picked me up from my house.
He met my brother, who had stopped by,
and we proceeded to his house.
the next day around 3pm,
we peeled away from his bedroom,
went and got sushi,
then returned to his house.
he drove me home around 10pm,
and then returned at about 1am this morning.

Heh.
o_O

You really are my ecstacy
Matty B.

Look At You. Check You Out.

I came home from a long, busy day of work
to find that my roommates had moved out..
COMPLETLY.
I knew that they were moving today,
but i left a house full of life,
and came home to a gutted carcass.
the only thing left was my bedroom,
and a magazine and a cigarette butt in my toilet.

Bye.
Bone to pick.
Matty B.

Look At You. Check You Out.

I came home from a long, busy day of work
to find that my roommates had moved out..
COMPLETLY.
I knew that they were moving today,
but i left a house full of life,
and came home to a gutted carcass.
the only thing left was my bedroom,
and a magazine and a cigarette butt in my toilet.

Bye.
Bone to pick.
Matty B.

Sometimes I Give Into Sadness, Sometimes I Don't

The sun wasn't even awake.
My eyes barely open,
my mind stubbornly dormant,
I stumble out of my apartment,
and start the treck to the dreaded bus stop.
It's a beautiful morning.
Still dusk,
The air is crisp and clean in my chest.
i wrap my sweater around me tighter,
and thumb my iPod in my pocket,
Fefe Dobson fueling each exhausting step.
The song comes to an end,
and suddenly the Veronicas are raging about personal revolution,
turning over a new leaf,
and starting a new [mind blowing] relationship.
I smile to myself
and realize that, that's what i have.
I'm starting new.
ALL NEW.

I have a new job.
I have a new apartment.
I have new friends.
I have a new "main squeeze".

As i bound up the stairs leading to the pedestrian bridge,
Christina Aguilera wails into my ear,
and as the creamy orange sun dribbles over the horizion,
i can feel my heart smile.
Almost instantly,
i find myself with the biggest grin on my face,
and energy in each step.
I find my body moving to the music,
my soul rejoicing with each beat,
and my mood sky rockets.
it's 5:41am and i am dancing to the bus stop on the pedestrian bridge.
The bus flies by,
but i don't fret,
because my life is amazing.
I spend the next half hour wondering how my life managed to fall together, so.
I finally decide that it doesn't matter.
because it did.
and god damn it,
it feels amazing.

Ain't no otha man, but you
Matty B.

Are You Happy?

I got an email from this girl i used to go to highschool with,
before I moved out of my mom's house.

I'm sitting at my computer,
looking through emails,
and this girl i haven't heard from in three years
sends me an email that says:

Hello.
Are you happy?

It kind of caught me off gaurd,
i mean, i spent a good portion of the afternoon approving comments
on my new picture of me wearing little pink briefs.

I spent the next hour or so thinking about it,
and although I have a lot of pro's and cons to my life, right now,
i honestly can say,

Yes. I am happy.

i have a home, food, money, friends, a fantastic job, a small waist, a main squeeze that makes me smile.. over all, I'm happy with myself.

what else could i want?

Matty Is BANGIN!
Matty B.

The Beating of Your Heart, Bay-be

I lied there.
My eyes open,
looking up into the darkness of my room.
I thought about what we talked about,
Pet peeves, weird habits, past relationships.
I close my eyes,
lean into my pillow,
and think about the beat of your heart,
and i'm back in your bed,
lying naked in your arms,
my head on your chest,
legs tangled in your,
our breaths long and in snyc.
I can smell Tommy on you;
feel the heat from your body wrap it's self around me,
keeping me safe and warm;
affirming my dreams;
confronting my fears.

I hear the slam of the door,
and suddenly it's 11:42am,
and i've been snuggling with an oversized zebra print pillow.
ah but of course.

Too good to be true?
I've Seen Black, and I've Seen Blue, But Now I See You.

Tales of a Teenage Gypsy

Things are not going as planned.
My mother was supposed to sign my lease.
My paychecks are supposed to be bigger.
My life was supposed to start.

When can I call my place home?
Fuck.

Hali-what?
Matty B.

You Have Hate In Your Eyes, And Spinach In Your Teeth

I woke up this morning,
and looked out the window.
What do I see?
A beautiful sunny day,
just calling my name!

I hop in the shower,
sit down in front of my computer,
and myspace.

..wait what?

Ah, the glory of having a day off.
Sunrise, sunrise, it's like morning in your eyes-"
Matty B.

Painting Is Like Eating; It's Like Sex.

I'm sitting here at the apartment,
watching SATC,
and enjoying some SSB [secret single behavior] time.

I've been thinking about a lot, lately.
Most importantly,
I've been thinking about relationships that I'm going to have.
I figure that i'm going to get from the world,
what i give out, right?

I looked over my myspace,
connexion,
and facebook,
and although I like attention,
I always complain that i feel like a piece of meat.

i guesss I'd like to find someone that
enjoys my company
AND
thinks i'm sexy.

it just seems it's one or the other.

Music is the most personal thing someone can share with you.
Matty B.

Hata's are gonna hate, and Playa's are gonna play.

You can try and tear me down,
but i'm in this state of acceptance,
that you only hate on me because you're
JEALOUS


You're dead to me.
Now go get a life.

Stop trying to control my life,
just because you can't control yours.

Pathetic.
Everyone is right.
You are in ruins without me.
What do you do with all your free time, now?
I mean, you don't have any friends..

Oh yeah..
YOU EAT

You KNOW you want to be me
Matty B.

Massive II

Was amazing.
I went with this huge group of kids,
and we ended up naming ourselves
the Boulder Raving Crew.

The best of the best are invited to join.
It was SO much fun.
This party was aweseome,
AND at an amazing venue.

I know you want me.
Matty B.

[INSERT DRAMA HERE]

My days seem to go by a lot slower,
when there isn't any drama.

I wake up in the morning,
and insted of the hazy fog of pessimism clouding my day,
I see the clear skies,
and smell the approaching snow.

Girlfriend and her new boyfriend woke me up this morning
[by pouncing on me, while i was sleeping, OF COURSE]
and I started my day with laughter.
How many people are fortunate enough to say,
that they started their day with laughter?
I really feel that if everyone decided
to wake up next to someone that made them smile,
their lives would be so much more fullfilling.
..Maybe that's what love is.

Every morning over the past.. 6 months?
I've been focusing on what's wrong with my life;
who I hate,
who's life I should ruin,
what i hate about myself.
But recently i've been fortunate enough to have to oppertunity to wake up
an smile.
Oh no, I'm not in love.
Hahahaha, that's a sticky situation that i'm not ready for.
But as far as friends go,
I can honestly say that people are only your friends
if when you wake up with them in the morning,
and you laugh,
then they've done their job.

Ha. As far as being "in" love,
well, that's negotioble.

Although i'm going to be moving into a studio,
and being alone a lot of the time,
I think what i'm going to have to do,
is CHOOSE to love myself enough to smile.
I currently have a difficult time with that,
just because my worst and biggest fear is being alone,
mostly as result of my absent past.

It's funny because i've shared a bedroom with my little brother my ENTIRE life.
until the day i moved out [june 17th, 2005] all i wanted was my space.
all i wanted was to be alone.
..and now,
i would give anything to have my little brother lying next to me at night.
Although we had our ups and downs,
he always made me laugh in the morning.

I was thinking about him today
because my mother called and told me to keep next saturday open,
so that i could go ride go-carts with him in boulder for his birthday,
and i've missed him a lot more that i thought.

[pause]

Ha. Sorry, It just kills me sometimes to think about him.
Heh, he doesn't even call me anymore.
He's so mad at me for moving out.
For years, my mother and I would scream at eachother,
and she'd throw things,
throw me out,
Ha. She even hit me in the face with a pot, one day.
When I moved out,
I guess i never really thought about him.
Everytime i see him,
he's a little big bigger.
a little blonder,
a little zittier,
a little smellier,
a little sadder.
I think know he blames me.
Because everytime i look into his eyes,
everytime i hear his voice,
it screams,
How could you leave me here?
How could you leave me all alone, and never look back?
I thought you loved me.

I was over at my mother's house about 5 months ago,
[fighting as usual]
and he had a friend over.
My mother was smoking on the porch,
and i was sitting in the living room,
and i hear his friend ask,
"Who is that talking to your mom?"
his reply was,
"I dunno. Just some guy, I guess."

I haven't heard him tell me he loves me
and MEAN it,
in over a year.

I'm sorry, bubba.
I love you more than you could ever know.
but i had to leave.
you'll be okay, though.
CJ and I will take care of you.
We talked about it recently,
and we've decided you're going to be alright.
We're you're big brother's for christs' sake.

[pause]
[sorry, i'm.. i'm just tired]

I know you don't read this.
but if you ever do,
just remember this:

I know you're unhappy, kiddo.
you're feeling EXACTLY what i felt,
and i am SO sorry.
i feel like such a horrible person.
Everyday when i wake up,
i have a picture of you and CJ taped to my bathroom mirror,
so that i know someone loves me.
To remind me i come from somewhere,
and i love you so much.

Shit sucks.
I know.
I KNOW.
You're sad.
You're angry.
You're angry at me,
and that's okay.
But one day,
like me,
you'll wake up
and choose to smile.

if you can't do that for anyone,
do it for yourself.
because that's the only way you can get through the day.
I love you, bubba.

[wow]
erm.. I guess i had to get that out.
he's such a great kid.
straight A's and 1st chair in orchestra for viola.
Ha. What did i ever do?
got C's and D's,
and did a few flips.

I know most people aspire to be like their older siblings,
but i can honestly say,
that i would aspire to be like my younger one.

You would've done the same
Matty B.

Runaway

I am SO tired.
Absolutely exhausted.
Worked at 4am.
Although it was a long day,
I thought that it would end how i wanted it to.

Ha. Psyke!
It just ended with dissapointing news.
Porn it is.

Everytime, i swear!
Matty B.

$1.85, Please.

I took the bus to Louisville.
When i got to my room,
i ripped off my shoes,
and through myself into my bed.

Almost immidiately,
tears streamed out of my eyes,
and i wrapped my arms around my stuffed dog
[that my garndma gave me, back in the day]
and let it out.

Today was such a blur,
but it felt good to be home.
I cried with relief,
with angst.
with happiness.

And it was WAY overdue.

It doesn't matter what they say, in the jealous games people play!
Matty B.

Suddenly I See. This Is Where I Want To Be.

I sit at the window.
I can feel the hard wooden chair beneath me,
secure, strong, stable.
I prop my feet up on the windowsill,
and the cool winter air filters through the screen,
and cascades over my ankles,
and settles between my toes.
I cast a dreary gaze out the window,
and i watch the smoke from my cigarette billow up and out,
grabbing the frame, and releasing it from it's confines.
The bells from the trains are dinging,
and the faint sound of cars excessively rushing around
reminds me of how at home I feel.
I lean back,
and inhale deeply,
breathing in the hot smoke of my cigarette,
mixed with the refreshing air of my new life;
my blank slate.
I smile to myself,
because this time is going to be different.
Because this time, I'm going to put in the footwork.
I'm going to make a difference.
As if straight to gods ear,
the smoke creeps out of my mouth,
and swirls to the screen,
where it leaps off,
carrying with it, my faith.
The clock hits 1am,
and i know i should go to bed,
but i want to soak up this feeling.
I want to remember this for when I'm down:
That I'm going to be alright.
For the first time,
I'm excited for life.

And it feels so goddamn good.

Too Strong, For Too Long.
Matty B.

Here In Your Arms

I found someone that makes me smile.
A real honest to god smile.

I found someone that makes me blush.
I've blushed eight times in my life,
and five of those times,
he was the inspiration.

I found someone that makes me laugh.
We lie on his bed,
and watch Futurama,
after he finishes his Italian homework.

I found someone that's smart.
I try to keep up with his big words
and witty remarks,
but they end up just getting caught in my mouth,
and fall out in a big jumbled mess.
[not unlike my life]

I found someone that inspires me to write.
Not in blogs.
Standard, pen on paper, write.
I've found that words just travel through my veins,
and explode onto my pad
with a plethora of words,
dancing over hills of stick figures
playing in BIC fields.

I've found someone to look at.
Not look at.
I mean, look at.
When i look into his eyes,
i can see genuine compassion.
The best part is,
is that i know when he looks into my eyes,
he sees a unique honesty in mine.

I've found someone to hold.[/hold me]
All of my senses are stimulated when I'm with him.
his strong arms just wrap around me,
and i can feel his heartbeat
tune in sync with mine.
His body becomes a security blanket,
that not only keeps me warm,
but safe.

I've found someone that thinks I'm sexy.
He told me so.
And it was honest.
And no one has ever said that to me before.

I've found someone that seems .. ideal.
As long as i stay cool,
i think we should be okay.
I'm not over analizing,
It's just so overwhelming to feel this new sense of..
It's amazing to have a clean slate.
And I wouldn't prefer to clean slate with ANYONE else.

This is going to be good for me.
[for the both of us]

I can feel it.
And best of all,
I'm still smiling.

Plastic Stars. in Our Private Galaxy.
Matty B.

The Game Of Life: Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game

Lately I feel that I'm the only one playing the game.
It really has been a game for me in the past,
and now that i'm getting good at it,
I feel that the other players are getting frusterated,
and throwing in the towel.

With old friend's that i have tiffs with,
they start a new round,
but they don't have the heart to finish it.
It's puzzling, because they know that once they get the ball rolling,
it just goes and goes and goes,
until it explodes into the inevitable wall of drama.

With boys,
I can't ever tell.
Some boys give me free drugs.
[but then never make a move]
Some boys offer me affection.
[then disguise their feelings/or lack of in words]
Some boys offer me friendship.
[then they lie to me, and don't cover their trails]
And finally some boys judge me.
[then spead lies about me]

What am I supposed to do about that?
It's confusing, because I have a general contentment in life, right now.
Or something that mimicks that.

So in this new state of mine,
I've become quite observant.
And it's hard,
because when i respond to people's words,
they become irate and angry,
because they don't like the truth that comes from my lips.
And when I respond with silence,
I'm screamed at because of the things i'm thinking.
Because apparently i'm silently judging.

That's not fair.
I've been through a lot recently.
Fuck i've been through a lot in my life,
and i'm so proud of the person I am today.

It's incredibly bothorsome when i'm constantly ridiculed
and hated because of things i'm not doing.
The words that aren't coming out of my mouth,
because of things that i'm apparently thinking.

Well fuck you.
I'm trying my goddamn best.
I'm working really hard,
and while i don't have much,
what i DO have matters.
it may not matter to you,
but goddamn it,
IT MATTERS TO ME.

So fuck you, haters.
Stop hating me,
just because today i was happier than you.
Just because today i didn't want to kill myself.
Just because today i did something good for me.
Just because today, i smiled.

And it made everyother day worth while.

thank you for respecting that.

I know I love me, and that's all that matters.
Matty B.

Skimming The Surface


People are very interesting.
I've found that by silently watching people's behaviors and actions,
it actually tells a lot more about who they are as a person.
It's interesting that I'm the one sitting and watching,
when usually i'm the one jabbering all over the place,
completely unaware of other people's thoughts or feelings.

Being a barista at [a very well known coffee shop] has really cultured me.
I get to see hundreds of people a day,
all with a different story,
but they all seem to meet together
[or barely miss eachother]
at my particular shop.

For instance, there is a woman with a red beret that comes in;
orders a non-fat double grande eggnog latte with whip but no sprinkles,
everyday.
I've talked to her a few times briefly,
but i've gathered that she recently returned from france.
To escape the <> [european police],
she hid inside a women's bathroom stall,
where she almost got caught when her cell phone rang.
After almost an hour of her hand covering her dog's mouth,
she stepped out of the red stall,
and cleaned the dirt off of her new Versace stilhuetto's,
and proceeded to the nearest boutique to continue shopping.
Why was she hiding, you ask?
Because her dog that she was babysitting
[for her parents]
pooped next to a statue,
while she was smoking a cigarette, without her notice.
Is the story true?
Probably not.
But i have to say that with every customer,
it's a little mental vacation.

It's like watching the trailers to their
"My Life, According To Me" movie.

Plus,
it gives me something to write about.

I'm on a stakeout!
Matty B.

Release
I feel different, today.
I'm not putting all my chips in,
because that would make me look crazy
[which i'm not]
and desperate.
[which i'm not]

I think the best thign about this weekend,
was that i was okay.
I cooked and cleaned for myself,
watched some TV,
Hug out with friends,
met this amazing person,
and i feel okay.
I'm not even over-analizing everything,
lie i normally do.

wow.
I think i will rest easy tonight.
And i haven't done that in a while.

[Attention!]: I'm growing up!

All i need now is an apartment.

I stirred up a little trouble..[and it was purely accidental and innocent]
Matty B.

Wacky, Tacky, But True [Mostly]

A few things have gone a little arye.
A former friend of mine is plauging people with all these lies.
Restraining order, Re-inacting QAF, BLAH BLAH.

Don't people realize that the truth makes a better story?

The truth hurts. And so does your face.
Matty B.

I'm Focused, I Want This.

I click the phone shut.
I fly into the shower,
where i completely scour my body,
washing, scrubbing, shaving,
i rinse the last of the soap out of my hair,
and rotate seamlessly in the cascading water.
time picks up,
and i'm throwing on a scarf,
and i'm standing at his door with a bottle of Bacardi.
Inside there is chattering,
laughing,
drinking.
Time steps by,
as i make my way to the back of the house,
where he's standing there.
He sees me,
and a grin explodes onto his face,
and suddenly time is flying by unnoticeably.
I drink the jungle juice,
did some shots,
and found myself recieving a tour of the house.
He leads me around,
introduces me to small cliques of friends,
and i'm sitting on his bed talking to him.
He recieves a phone call,
and i'm back downstairs talking to his friends and roommates.
Hours slide by,
and i'm lying on my back, in his bed.
The cool sheets send a subtle tingle tingle down my body,
as he traces it with his fingers.
he lowers his face down to mine,
and i can smell Bacardi and Fruit punch on his breath.
poisture collects on his lips,
and we kiss.
He cradles my body in his arms,
and protects me from everything.
3:57am and our lips are still firmly connected,
5:01am and our bodies are inseperable.
7:09am and our souls connect,
and at 9:45 i break away from his trance,
only to realize it's late morning.
Our hands, legs, entangled,
kissing eachother everywhere,
grabbing,
stroking,
embracing eachother,.
so as to forget the day's responsibilities.
sweat lubricates our bodies,
but he holds me tight,
and i know this is real.
the sun shoots up,
and we're lying there together,
my head on his chest,
his arms around my frame,
holding me close.
We talk.
Lying there,
A small look of accomplishment and satisfaction creeping onto his expression.
The house wakes up,
but we're oblivious,
because we're touching,
feeling,
living,
11:29am and "You turn me on so much-"
I abruptly stop.
I thought about that for a moment.
I look him straight in the eye,
and tell him no one's ever said that to me.
He laughs, and asks what kind of assholes i've been dating.
1:45pm and i have to leave.
It took every bit of strength i had.
But as i'm walking out,
he grabs me,
kisses me,
and tells me to expect a call.
I smile,
walk out the door,
put on my Dolce and Gabanna sunglasses,
and drive away.


It's NEVER felt so right before.
Matty B.

Were Not Children. THERE ARE NO TAKE-SIES BACK-SIES!

It has come to my attention that there are some haters out there..

Some talk shit to my face.
Some talk shit about me behind my back.

But just a little FYI for everybody:


I don't care what you think.
I don't care what you have to say.
I work hard and I play hard,
And I get was i deserve;
Positive and negative.

The difference between me and every scene kid out there?
I don't go home any cry over spilt milk.
I learn from my mistakes,
and I enjoy the fruits of my good decisions.

What does this mean?
This means that NO ONE can judge me.

Have you lived my life?
NO.

Have you experienced what i have?
NO.

Do you see life like I do?
NO.

So fuck off.
all of you.

If you don't have anything nice to say,
don't say anything at all.

And keep my mother fuckin' name out yo mouth,
or i'll cut a bitch.

You know you want to be [in] me..
Matty B.

6:31am, and I'm still going, and going, and going
I haven't slept in 24 hours.
Yikes.

Well, i'm off to work,
and then i'll be home to sleep.
"home" is the key word.

huh. funny how people are sometimes.

You'll never be the same
Matty B.

You Go There, We'll Go Here, and.. YOU STAY HERE ALONE!

Hm.. everyone left.
Some people went to go get chasers,
And some went to go get party favors,
Instead of being faught over,
I was told to stay here.
Alone, specifically.

Heh.
Times are a changin'
And it couldn't be stranger.

You Know You Love Me?
Matty B.

What Happened When The Universe Was Formed?

Last night was a lot of fun.
I made a few new friends,
which included [we'll call them] Mr.CCC and Mr.Smile.
They're really nice.
I met Mr.CCC online, and then ran into him at raves,
and i met Mr.Smile last night,
He's Mr.CCC's best friend.

Hahaha i had a lot of fun.
which is nice,
because the only people i meet in Denver,
are people that want to fuck me.

Yikes.
[PS] I got the job!!
I start today.

Things are lookin' up for me.
And that makes me smile.

You know you love me!
Matty B.

In honor of NaNoWriMo [National Novel Writing Month.

I Started This LAST November

I think it's cool to read something that's a year old.
Huh.

I am broken, but i'm still hopin
Matty B.

Run Away

Last night was ridiculous.
It was full of booze,
Babes,
and Boo's. [Ahhahahaha, PUNNY!]

Today was a lot better, though.
I woke up, went home,
showered,
and i got to spend some time with Girlfriend,
Then with Guatemala Bean and Rubberbecky,
And topped off the night with Angel.

I really do love this boy.
He makes my days brighter,
My coffee stronger,
My laugh heartier.

And from what he told me tonight,
I do the same for him.

I'm jsut happy that there is someone out there that can be friends with me,
and not expect anything else.

Today was a good day.
You know you love me!
Matty B.

*Hand Motions* BE MY FRIEND!*bounces on couch*

I had a lot of fun the other night with MizBigRed and MizJK.
They came over to my house to re-live some past time fun.
We laughed,
we talked,
we cried,
we wrote a book,
then made a "straight to DVD movie"..
It was almost just like old times.
Almost.

We ended up goign to the halloween store,
[at flatirons, where i was bombarded by people's names i didn't know]
and then just talked, laughed,
[rinse; repeat]

If i had emotions,
I can honestly say that i would've almost cried when i saw them drive away.
It was just so incredibly refreshing to be able to hang out with people that didn't judge you,
that were ALWAYS there, you know?
Those two are some special girls, let me tell you.

And this bitch is lucky to know such muses.

♥
Matty B.

4:31am, and I'm on a stake out

FYI:
I've decided to stop writing about Mr.OZ, his "Shiny New Toy", or any of his "friends". Apparently my REAL friends are bored, and want to read something else.
And as far as the "Ozians" as I will now refer to them, they just cause me strife. Hahaha, i live 50 miles away, yet i'm still letting people get to me. I mean, i'm living my dream! I'm about to move into a cute little studio, right downtown, im going to start school, i have amazing friends, a few prospective boys.. things look good, and i'm wading through the sludge of my past? That's not realistic.

So it's official.
I'm over it.

When ANYONE is ready for a MATURE relationship,
you can call me.
And i'll buzz you up to my new apartment,
and we will have mimosa's and be glamourous.
until then,
you're DEAD.
So don't talk to me,
till you get a life.

*ahem*
Whirlwinds of change just grazed my life.
I think "Stakeout" By freezepop explains it pretty well.

Angel is finally seeing things from my point of view.
I gained a little "comfort weight" over the past few weeks,
but i'll loose it soon enough.
Other than the extremely embarassing,
yet fantastic, incident last night,
things are looking good.

It feels good to smile.
And it feels good to know that i came out on top.
After ALL the BULLSHIT,
and the assholes,
and the jealous haters,
and the fat and ugly people,
and the family,
and the "frienemies",
and the junkies,
and the drug dealers,
and the administration,
and the EX's,
and the BF's,
and the GF's,
and the drugs...

I feel it.
I came out on top.
And bitches,
It feels DAMN good.

♥!!!
Matty B.

I Met You In My Underwear, A Cape, And Some Wacked Out Weave.

Tonight was.. practically indescribable.
However, I'm going to try:


The bass blasted through my body,
reviving a hidden part of me that has been long since gone missing.
I awoke from within.
as i felt the feeling return to my limbs,
i could see the crowd breathe together,
move together,
and i knew that i had to be in the center of it.
I slid my way through the crowd,
up some stares,
wink
smile
wave,
and up the last few steps,
to the stage.
It was packed.
Everyone was pressed together,
dancing into eachother,
rather than with eachother.
His body touched mine,
gently at first,
then more aggressive,
when i didn't show a sign of rejection.
three steps in,
the music slows to a halt.
the lights black out,
just for a moment,
and as i broke through the crowd,
to the front and center of the stage,
the lights flared,
and the bass blared,
and the gromit faggots glared,
as they saw my hands rise above everyone,
and my hips dip low.
I felt alive just then.
The felling of a trickle of sweat revived my soul,
and i knew i was back.
I commented to His new boyfriend,
that He was a good guy,
and that he has my luck for him.
The genuine honesty came from the bottom of my new found soul,
But His words preceeded me,
and my reputation was known.
Suddenly my kind, honest words were taken as cynical and rude.
As His new boyfriend ran away from me,
Into His arms,
telling him of my words,
I smiled to myself,
because i was okay.
I accepted the animosity that was presented to me
[in front of me, and behind my back.. Don't think i can't hear you]
and took it with stride.
I sunk into the crowd,
and blended with the other shirtless boys/men that were seeking the same feeling as I.
Hours passed,
and i found myself sitting in Denver Diner.
Shirtless, and sweaty,
i downed my coffee,
and SCARFED nibbled some biscuits and gravy.
That's when i saw you walk in.
An absurdly-long and overly drawn out mild flirtation,
suddenly became real, as you passed me,
while accompanying your friend.
I turn my head down
knowing that i look like a skanky hooker,
and laugh at a joke that was never said.
I look up moments later,
seeing if i was in the clear,
but you got caught in traffic,
and our eyes connected,
and i could feel my face get hot.
after you sat down,
i ran to the bathroom to [attempt] to fix my hair,
or make-up,
or LIFE,
and as i look into the mirror,
you're standing behind me.
With the biggest grin on your face.
Immidiately, i'm red again,
[fourth time in my life]
and i'm apologizing for looking like the train wreck i did.
(wearing a floor length cape,
underwear,
and tennis shoes)

You smile,
laugh,
and compliment me,
and my face continues to burn.
minutes pass,
you joke about havting to pee,
and i scurry out of the bathroom,
too embarassed to speak.
The table silences as i approach,
and my friends just laugh at the situation.
we end up talking outside while i smoke,
and we exchange cute text messages on my way home.

my evening was a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least.
but i find that eventhough i'm not dancing at the club,
and it's 4:45am,
i still have that "re-kindled" feeling.

I do believe that my faith in men, have been restored.

Ditto.

Matty B.

It's This Thing, You Did.

I've had three boy experiences today.
None of which panned out as planned.

[Dater #1]
I meet up with him at starbucks.
He's clearly VERY nervous.
He takes a look at me,
as i walk up to him,
and as he's taking a sip of his Latte',
he dribbles it all over his shirt;
and doesn't even notice.

For the next hour, he talks about how much money he makes,
How big his next pay check is,
and then flags down a woman,
and buys a massage/facial gift certificate from her.
THEN bitches about how much money he doesn't have.

With such a good job,
you could've at LEAST offered to pay for my
Iced Non-fat Chai Tea-Latte.
It's $2.65.

I frantically texted Nic,
who immidiately called me with an emergency,
and i [politely] excused myself from the train-wreck of a date.

[Dater #2]
Mr.SSB and X-BF (we'll call him Mr.DanceRelief) and I all drove to brighton,
to go to "the scariest haunted house in Colorado".
I'll have to admit,
It was really scary.
[for 15 dollars, it's better be!]
about 2 minutes into the haunted house,
This GHASTLY GHOUL leaped out of no where
and after attempting to freak me out,
he asked for a drag of my ciggarette.
I said, absolutely,
and then OUT OF NOWHERE,
he said to me (with a slight country twang)
"are you gay?"
I responded,"yes,"
with an uneasy cringe.
He immidiately responded to me,
"My brothers gay,
you should give him a call!
Here, have his number."
He held out his hand,
motioning for my cell phone,
he held out his skeleton hand,
and he punched in his brother's number.
"Ask for Kord. He works here with me, but i don't know where he is,
but he'll be home around midnight,
but you can call him tomorrow."

I finished the Haunted House wondering if i projected homosexuality,
or if the next handsome zombie is his brother.

I left the Haunted House with an odd feeling.
Was it odd attraction?
Or just a harlequinne romance blossoming from the bones of the fallen?

[Dater #3]
I hop online,
when i get home to my new Downtown Apt.
After signing onto AIM,
CutieMcCuterson (a guy that i've been overdue to meet up with)
IM's me, asking me what i'm doing.
2 IM's later,
he asking me fo drugs,
tells me that i should come party.


Huh.
Funny how people are sometimes.
You've gotta let it out, somehow
Matty B.

I'm Having The Day From Hell.

Ever since friday,
everything is different.
I look at myself in the mirror,
and I'm a completely different person.
I look at the scale,
and it's a ocmpletely different weight.
I look at new pictures,
and i have a completely different body.
I feel my skin,
and it's a different texture,
i look at my eyes,
and the color is gone.
I look inward to my heart,
something that i thought i had regained,
only to be unpleastly surprized that there isn't anything there.

I have been trying to cry or laugh or smile or feel for days,
and all i find myself doing is longing to me with Angel.
and i don't like it.
i CAN'T like it.
we're best friends,
but it just can't be like that.
i feel veunerable,
and that's not acceptable.

This bitch needs to toughen up.
And I'm going to do it immidiatly.
Because this sad excuse of a person that's typing right now,
isn't liked my anyone.

I'm going to be who i was two summers ago.
I'll cut a bitch,
And not even blink.

Maybe it's the "leftover" drugs in my body,
but all i know is that i am going to be a stronger person,
I need to be a stronger person.
Or i won't make it.

What do you do when you're life's a disaster, but you're moving faster?
Matty B.

I'm Just A Wet Dream, In A Wet Scene.

Last night was ridiculous.
After my brian being complete mush from friday night's experience,
I pitched for a [HUGE GLASS] bottle of Bacardi.

The basic run down of what happened
is that we all got SHITFACED.
MizWHAT?! came over with a few cute boys,
Guatemala Bean and I sobered up,
We went and got GIRLFRIEND,
who had to sneak out of her house.
GB and her girlfriend fought extensivly when we got home.
Then we dropped GIRLFRIEND off at her house on the way to MR.OZ's parent's house,
[He was staying there at the time]
An went to see him.
After breifly talking about nothing and the extent of his new piercings,
We all (minus OZ) hopped in the car and picked up this chick
on the way to Denver.
We air popped some popcorn and i passed out in someone's bed,
only to be woken up with two friends of ours
FUCKING ON TOP OF ME.
The next thing i knew i was being woken up by GB,
and i was curled up in the corner
in their living room.

What a night.
Can't We Just Dissapear?
Matty B.

I tripped over Alice D.

Huh.
Mr.Angel and I had an emotional breakthrough with eachother.
you can't really explain it,
because you weren't there,
But we saw the [VERY] good and the [VERY] bad side of eachother.

We stood and looked in the mirror,
and it was like seeing eacother's shell of existance.
I rememeber feeling the cold tiles underneath my toes.
the cheers of the elevator bells just jeered at us,
while i looked at his bane of existance.
I know that he could see me,
see that unruly [PRE MR.OZ] be-that-as-it-may, person.
I felt him probe my body with his eyes,
but i knew he only saw what i wanted him to see.
it was like a visual wresting match,
our bodies colliding with every look,
pinning eachother with every stare..

we talked.
and talked.
in the snow
on the snow
over the snow
near the snow
under the snow

the DARLEY TOWERS is like a drug haven.
I walked in,
and was offered acid within minutes of me being there.
luckily it was a really great group of people.

all i know, is that i havn't slept in 24 hours,
i havn't eaten,
and i am awaiting the sweet silent gift of sleep,
so i can NEVER see that person in me,
or Mr.Angel again.

I swear, it's like we all meet in the same room, 9th floor.
Matty B.

Call On Me

So Mr.OZ has a new boyfriend.
Knowing me, Mr.Matty Beautiful,
Everyone is rushing up to me,
trying to be the first one to get a direct quote.

It's funny, because as cynical as I am,
I really don't care.
Hahaha, i know the immidiate response from all of my readers is,
OH Well, he's just fronting a strong fascade,
He's absolutely torn up on the inside.
However, in actuality, i REALLY don't care.
I don't read his blog posts about how happy he is with his shiny new toy,
or the ones about how he can FINALLY sleep at night.
To put it in perspective, though,
I don't read ANY of my friend's blogs that say sappy shit like that,
because i don't want to be made to feel
like i have to find a man to be happy.
Because i don't.

My man's name is Kate.
And whenever i'm down, she numbs that shit faster than i can say G-Unit.
However it's been nice,
Because she hasn't really played a part in my life lately.

It's funny, because while everyone is congratulating him for his new found addiction,
Everyone is worried about how i'm going to deal with not having one;
an addiction, that is.

All i know is that tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow,
I'm going to wake up in my new Downtown Loft,
Light up a cigarette,
and walk down the road leading to my future.
And I'm leavign addicts in my past.

I know who I want to take me home
Matty B.

Reality Today, Is Harsh.

Everyone is getting really upset abou twhat i've been saying about the former friend of mine, Jenna.

They're pissed and angry (my friends especially) because I have been so forgiving!

I'm really holding back,
So i will spend the night thinking of a final shabang,
and get this all over with.

You know you love me
Matty B.

Secret Single Behavior

In light of the drama that fat people like to cause,
it's become clear that i look a little worn out.

so i spent the evening in,
pampering myself,
watching SATC,
and basically rejuvinating my skin and auora.

I do believe that a few people in my Comm. In Society class have said, and i quote DIRECTLY,
"Seriously Matty. I can't believe she told administration that you're selling meth. i mean look at her. With her eyes bulging out of her head, her hair a greasy mess, and those food stained clothes, she looks like the Meth dealer, not you. Too bad she couldn't use some of that money to buy a bar of soap-"

The class laughed.

It's good to be on top.
[OW! PUN!]

You KNOW you love me
Matty B.

The Enchilada's Look Good..

I was really mean to Jenna today.
I do believe that the exact words i said to her,
while she was in the lunch line were,
"Eat up Jenna! Eat up all that food! Eat, eat, FATASS!"

Huh.
I think i'm mean.
And if anyone thinks less of me,
Well, fuck you.

You don't even know what she caused.

Thank God I'm Done With It All!
Matty B.

Hollywood, We're NEVER Going Down!

Jenna is a fat, filthy, disgusting excuse of a "human".
We were in Areobic Walking this morning,
and as soon as the teacher left the room,
she stopped walking around the Small Gym [wrestling room]
and SAT DOWN.
As i walked by,
I asked her [loudly]
"Jenna! Don't you think that you should be walking THE MOST out of everyone in our class?"
Her little friend flipped me off,
and her face got all sweaty,
and i just walked away.

Today may be my last day at school,
But goddamn it,
THIS CUNT will NOT be forgotten.
Let Me Grab My Drink, And Show You My GRAND FINALE!
Matty B.

So How Long Must I Wait? And How Long Must I Stay?

I think I hit rock bottom on friday.

It burned.

bECAUSE SHE'S EVERYTHING i'M NOT.
Matty B.

Matty, You're A BITCH! You, Are A MEAN GIRL! ..Sort Of
Jenna sent a friend over to BE me to stop being mean to her.

Earlier that day, we were sitting in AP EURO,
She told me to move my stuff off her chair,
I said no,
she treatened to sit on it,
i said you'd better not,
she sat down,
I pushed her off and yelled at the top of my lungs,
"You FAT ASS! GET OFF MY ALDO BAG!"
then i told her that if she even recognized my existance,
i would ruin her life.
As she started to COMPLAIN AND ARGUE (i know, what's new?)
I held ip my hand,
and said," I'm sorry i have people to text message."
And i shunned her.
She immidiately went to the back of the classroom
(we sit in the front row, so everyone in the class watched with anticipation to see if i was going to beat this bitch down, or not)
sat for a second,
then started crying,
and ran out of the room..
..and never came back.

Hahahahahahahah

She dug her grave.
Now, she can lie in it.

You know you love me!
Matty B.

Show Stoppin' 'till They Loose Their Breath

I have a coffee date on friday afternoon before Eric's birthday party.
He's cute, and recently moved to Denver from Castle Rock.
(Messy Break Up)

But we talked for a while today on AIM.
He was nice and cute.
I'm excited.


..I also have a coffee dat on Saturday with a boy from boulder.
He's cute, too.

Ha.
We'll have to see where they lead.

I Know You See Me Ridin'
Matty B.

Now Pay The Toll!

*ahem*


After being questioned by the administration about my "supposed" sale of METH at my school,
I feel that i am over due for some life-ruining.

Thank You, Jenna.

Haven't you learned that your venemous lies leave marks?
Apparently not.

You're about to.

It's a bittersweet symphony.
Matty B.

"GET OFF MY STOOP!"

Mr.APT (who will now be called SSB) *ahem* Mr.SSB and I have decided to get an apartment together. He talked to his aprtment property manager,
and his lease is up January 1st.

We decided to get a two bedroom facing 15th and California.
FAB.

I can't wait,
I'll be living GLAMOUR to the fullest.

You know you ENVY me.

Matty B.

I Wanna See That Pussy

I'm watching one night in Paris.
SHE JUST LAYS THERE.
Mr.APT and I just laugh.
I watched her get her pussy get eaten out, while she throws back her hair,
and kicks back in her Manolo Blanik's.

Fuck That.
I'd be wearing Jimmy Choo's.

Show Me That CUNT!
Matty B.

Changes and Plastic Surgury
I sucked the fat off my friends list,
tightened my belt buckle,
took off my anklet,
smoked a cigarette,
and reajusted my shirt.

I'll be okay,
I promise myself silently.

And i lied my head down in my bed,
and hugged chip as i fell asleep.

.. or pretended to.

It seems the artists these days are not who you think...
Matty B.

There's A Time And Place For Everything.

People can surprize you sometimes.
For example,
when you talk to close friends in confidence,
they turn and stab you in the back.
..and the best part is, is that they really don't know how deep the wound is.

I have been debating on weather or not i should find a studio apartment,
You know, because Guatemala Bean's girlfriend is crazy,
and they fight all the time,
But because of recent things that have seemed to "slip" out of people's mouths
(IE ANGEL, giRLFRIEND, AND MIZZbUSINESS)
Guatemala Bean has decided to make that decision for me.
Lucky enough, it came at a very oppertune time.
I get to see the true colors of my friends.

It's a color that looks good on no one:
UGLY.

They exaggurate and stretch the truth to be mroe dramatic;
to geth THEM more attention.

I solemnly swear one thing:
DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

You want to spill my indescretions?

Hi Tasha.
Stop playing the whole "CJ tug of war"
Admit it.
You DON'T want to be with him.
what you call love is a joke,
and it sickens me to watcch you fuck with his life and emotions.
I LOVED spending time with you.
You WERE a a self consious mess,
but i can tell out of the way you've been acting lately,
they you've matured a lot,
and relaized that you are quite a beautiful person.
Hopefully I had a something to do with that.

My final advice for you?
Try to be the most HONEST and CONFIDANT person you can be.
while you might be a beautiful girl right now,
if you live by that advice,
you will become a GORGEOUS WOMAN.
*good luck*

Hello Angel, I mean, Carter.
STOP.
REALIZE THAT SHE IS TRYING TO MOVE ON.
It kills me to see that you are a love sick puppy.
UGH. It's SO unnattractive.

SECOND?
YOU'RE NOT BISEXUAL.
You like attention.
I won't lie, so do I.,
I make out with girls all the time,
but you don't see me calling myself Bi.
You're not even Straight.
You are T-Sexual.
You LIVE BREATHE AND WANE over tash.
It's sad to see such a beautiful person
waste away over something so trvial.

My advice?
Be honest with yourself and with other people about how you feel.
Don't say things to please them.
Be brutally honest.
other than that,
you're perfect.

thank you for teaching me that there is still goo d out in the world.
without you, i'd still be slicing away at my wrists.

FINALLY, Jenna.
Does it feel good to lie there?
In that cold lonly grave of lies that you dug yourself?
Always seeking attention.
Even if it means exploiting the only person that will talk to you.
I'M THE ONLY PERSON THAT WOULD EVEN THINK OF HANGING OUT WITH YOU OUTSIDE SCHOOL.
NOW YOU HAVE NO ONE.
go lie in your grave.
hope it's cozy.

I loved you, hate me! You gave me, hate, see? These tears are deadly!
Matty B.

Season Three Finale

I can breathe today.
I woke up this morning,
to an overcast day,
my toes freezing,
my fingers matching;
and I hopped out of bed,
and clicked on my coffee pot.
After finishing my (small and managable) bowl of cereal,
I poured myself a very large cup of coffee,
and shared a cigarette with Carrie, Miranda, Charolette, and Samantha.
after finishing my cup of coffee,
as the credits rolled across the screen,
I coasted up my stairs,
and sorted laundry.
I stuck a load of whites in,
and watched the season finale of sex and the city,
while downing another cup of coffee.

I got to thinking.
after last night at the 80's party,
I realized that i DO believe i have dated almost every available guy in colorado.
..Or i've dated their friend or roommate.
I glaced over the Gaytabase and i've had SOME sort of relationship with 80% of the guys on there.
I'm not saying that i'm a slut,
But it's just weird, you know?
Should i stop looking for relationships with people i don't know,
or should I look inwards,
and try to rebuild bridges with people who i already know?
..or that know me?

It's nice, because i can think about all this calmly,
without any adverse negative feelings.

I've just burned a lot of bridges,
As i think about it now,
I burned them for a reason.
I guess the question is,

"Has time really mended my heart, opening my eyes to the good i saw in my X's? Or has is just fogged my vision as to why they are X's to begin with?"

What I do know, is that i'm going to finish my laundry,
Clean my bedroom and bathroom,
and start the week fresh.

What If I Fall, What If I Don't? What If I Never Make It Home?
Matty B.

I'll Have The Spel Check, Now
I went o an 80's themed party.
I got to fool around with this REALLY SEXY straight guy (Mr.Bicepts, we'll call him)
and got a little under -the-underwear action.
Then Miz WHAT?! dropped me off of Angel's Apartment.
Last night I had an amazing time with angel, after workng out, A LOT.
We wee honest, and close, and sat at a playground until 4am in the morning.
I smiled.
genuinely.

NOW, I'm a drunken mess, and writing in my blog.
funny how i said i would be sober until BRIAN WASH
HA.

Dang IT!!! my life is a beautiful disaster.
Hm.

I know you want me...
Matty B.

Toxic [MANEATER]

Watch out,
this is angry.

Hi.
You asked me for a clean slate.
You asked us to start over.
You asked me to be there, to be your friend.
Now, after giving you D.) All the above,
You're not happy.

This is a two way street, you know.
It hurts to go home from a very akward coffee,
and then not even have any sort of apologies for your (25 minute tardiness)
or lack of talking.

I'm doing this for you,
and you're not happy.

PLEASE.
Tell me why I am going through the effort.
Tell me why I am going through the motions.

You're not in a position of forgivness.
You haven't apologized to me.
At all.

I've apologized for my harsh behavior.
Where's your remorse?

Please give me something to go off of.
Because I want a clean slate, too.
But you're going to have to give me more.

I'm Having The Day From Hell. It wasn't going well before you came.

Matty B.

Black Dahlia

Yesterday was an action-packed day, to say the least.
It started with me going to the Optomitrist for the first time.
Apparently i need bifocals.
(and luckily for me, they make them in contacts. woot!)

I stumbled the car,
because my pupils were dialated (and were going to be for 6 more hours)
and lit up a cigarette.

Mr. DejaVu and I went to go get sushi at the very hip "Hapa" Restaurant in downtown Boulder.

After the mutipul orgasm roll and some calamari,
we went and visted MizWHAT?! at work.
She was fantastic.
After parting our seperate ways,
I hopped on the B Word to go uptown to the hill,
where i bought my Brainwash ticket.
FAB.
I arrived back downtown at about 5:45,
and headed over to Starbucks,
to meet Mr. OZ, at 6:30.
I walked in,
got a Non-fat Chai Tea Latte,
and sat in the park and smoked a cigarette, (or five)
while i did homework and listened to my iPod.
I got back to Starbucks at about 6:25,
and sat around for about 30 minutes or so.
After concluding he blew me off,
I grabbed all my things, lit up a cigarette,
and left.

As I was walking away,
I get a tap on my shoulder, and I hear,
"Well, are you going to stay?"
Hm.
I told him he was late.
He said he was sorry.
I walked over towards him,
and I saw that he brought a friend.
Hm..
So i sit down,
and after about 10-15 minutes, his friend mentions
FAKELY frantically that they must be somewhere right now.
clearly it was an escape plan set up,
but i was okay with that.
apparently they aer planning a Halloween Party at their dorms,
and they are HEAD of their committee.
Hm...

MizWHAT?! and a friend of ours walks up to me (i told her to come and interrupt ubruptly, as my get away car, but i motioned to her that there was no need for such actions.) and i introduce her to the crowd of people.

I sat in the middle and silently listened to each of their stories,
because i was sitting between two groups of people who clearly weren't interested in socializing.
Moments later, Mr.Oz's friend was pulling the emergency release cord,
and they flew the coop.
Hm....

I'm trying to keep my mind open as to what exactly that all means,
but next time, he can take me out for sushi.
plus if he's paying for food,
he'll be more reluctant to bring people.
Then maybe we can have a conversation. :)

Miz WHAT?! and I sat at starbucks for a few more hours, and caught up.
After sharing a pumpkin cookie, another NONFAT chai tea latte, a Green Tea, and seeing a picture of her boyfriend's more than perfect... well you know, we hopped in the car, and she drove me home.

We decided together that i'm over due for a fling.
However, since "flings" are usually during a warm season,
we're calling it a "Holiday Romance."
So she invited me to the CU game on Saturday (given if i can find a ticket, to go)
and then to an 80's themed party afterwards,
where she says,
i have to meet this "great" (open for interpretation) guy,
that she used to date in highschool.

We'll see.
I'm over due for a Holiday Romance.
Even if that Holiday Romance is fuled by the power of Cinnamon Shapps.

Just Make Me A Promise? Don't Fall In Love With Me.
Matty B.

Die. Pain, Abused. I Feel So Used.

The death threats are back on the walls.
FAB.

You know what. I'm not going to apologize for my behavior.
I'm not going to apologize for being who I am.
And i am definatly not going to apologize for being wicked and honest, hot and thin, and definatly better than you.

Why am i better than you? (aside form the fact you are ugly and disgusting)
I'm not a coward.
I say shit to people's face.
and if you want to shoot me for that,

than it'll be the 4th school shooting this week.

Shout Out, I Am What I Am.
Matty B.

Brushing Up On Working Out

UNTIL BRIANWASH, I AM STAYING SOBER
Now that that has been established..

I texted MrOZ 3 times in the past... week or so,
inviting him out for coffee.

I snooped,
and I got a LITTLE TINY (even though i wanted more) PEEK of his blog,
and now i'm more confused.

Oh well.
He has my number.
I took a step out there,
hopefully we'l meet e half way (at a coffee shop, preferrably. I'm thirsty)

Eventhough the guys are crazy, eventhough the stars are blind
Matty B.

My Apologies

I've been blogging more often on my facebook blog.
oops.

i find that it has a more controlled audience,
and i know who's reading it.
(my friends)

HA.

I'll post all the good ones on here though.

On A First Name Basis With All The Top Physitions
Matty B.

Picture Perfect?

Funny story.

My grandmother invited me over for dinner to her house, in Longmont.
Relunctantly, I agreed, because when I go to Longmont, I want to kill myself.

So, I made two new mixes on my iPod for the trip over there:
One dance/happy hardcore mix to life my spirits,
and one ANGRY/FUCKED UP music to help me channel the anger that i was no doubetly going to feel after being in the same city as Kathleen. (the bitch that birthed me)

I packed up a bunch of cute clothes that [do me no good sitting in my closet] would look great on my little brother, and prepared myself with some light music and a ciggarette.
[Plus al these clothes were too big or me, so they'd fit him just fine]

Little did i know, that when my older brother (CJ) asked Kathy to bring over my little brother, so that we could see him, she insisted on INVITING herself over, too.

When I heard this cute little tidbit,
i refused to go.

However, it would've killed my grandmother for me to make promises, and then break them.

So I popped in my iPod,
Put on my happy mix,
and attemped to lift my spirits.

20 minutes later, and FABULOUS wind-blow hair later,
i dismounted CJ's motorcycle,
put out my cigarette,
and marched into my grandma's house,
where the whole [disfunctional] family was waiting.

I didn't say one word to her.
I didn't even make eye contact.

At the end of the [VERY]akward and [VERY] unpleasant evening,
i told my little brother and my grandmother i loved them,
walked past the unloving bitch,
and left.

I never felt so in control, so powerful, or so incredibly full of sorrow,
because she drove me to the point of hate.

I love my mother don't get me wrong,
but call me when :
A.) You're sober
B.) You're a decent human being
C.) You don't make me wish you got an abortion
D.) You're not out to ruin my life, just because mine's better, and you can't even attempt to control yours.

You know you love me
Matty B.

Hold Me Tonight, Hold Me So Tight
Feeling of the moment: Ecstacy

Today Angel came and picked up Miss Business, Girlfriend, and I.
We dropped off Miss Business, because A.)She's gounded and B.)Had to work.

It's this first time in a few weeks that i've seen Angel.
At first, it was a little akward,
because of how mean and heartless I was,
but after the afternoon progressed into evening,
things loosened up.
LET ME CORRECT MYSELF:
I loosened up.

We went to chipoltle, and talked for hours,
then we proceeded to head over to target to get supplies for BRAINWASH II.
As we left, I ran into Kate, and invited her a long for the ride.
After working out at home,
We headed to Boulder and met up with (we'll call her) MizMatch.
She is FANTASTIC.
Hilarious.
Lifted my spirits,
and she ran into kate, as well.
they don't really get along,
she's not really the working out type.
HOWEVER,
she was on the DL.

We decided to go to a "Dance Party" at CU campus commons.
It was a blast.
I was blind in ecstacy,
and i got to meet a lot of AMAZING cool (hetero) guys!
(YAY! I didn't get beat up)
Suddenly, I run into (we'll call her) MissWaaaaaa!
GOD SHE IS FAB.
We decided to become really good friends.
We danced the night away,
bumpin', grindin', fellin' all over.
SEXY.

towards the end of the night (after my 1,000,000,000th trip to the bathroom)
a circle cleared up, and everone was watching the break dancer in the middle.
EVERYONE.
he fell over,
and i took a leap of faith:
over the breaker,
and into the middle of the circle.

i've never worked it that hard.
EVERYONE was cheering.
even the straight guys.
and this black booty made it's biggest appearance ever.

it was amazing.
things are coming together.

i think we'll all be alright.
Like an angel in the sky
Matty B.

Razor Sharp, Razor Clean, Use This Weapon Sensation

Mr.OZ made me smile today.
and that hasn't happened in a very long time.

I'm gonna FUCK up your EGO
Matty B.

Hello Little Boys, Little Toys

Dater #4 (aka Mr.DejaVu) is taking me to the Shiny Toy Guns concert on saturday.
It will be fun, i always have a blast with him.

Too bad he has mono.

We're gonna dance on fire
Matty B.

Fucking Cunt

I've been mean.
I'm done now.

Things can go back to "normal"

<3
You just get mad, that i can swallow more cum than they can
Matty B.

Maybe There's Beauty In Goodbye?

Miss Business and I are fighting because she's being a bitch wit hthe whol "Angel"Situation.

You push me away,
then pull me back in,
you can tell me that you love me,
but i can't tell you?

I'm just confused.
maybe confusion is part of the fun.

Maybe i'm wrong.
It's just gone too far,
i don't know where we are..
nobody wins.

I want a conversation, but you don't know me at all
Matty B.

Fast Web... Is REALLY slow

Dater #3 Is this afternoon.
Lets cross our fingers, and hope that there aern't Llamas or Organized religion, like the first two.

If You Want My Body, And You Think I'm Sexy, Come On Baby Let Me Know-"
Matty B.

Subtle CPR to A Not So Subtle Break Up

"Hey Matty! Love your Senior Pic By The Way, you're eyes are GORGEOUS. Anywhoo, I saw [MR.OZ] the other day! Was He here to see you! That's SO cute. I wish my boyfriend would come see me at school, Hahahahaha, Man, you're so lucky. Well, Gotta run to class! Love you! OH! Text me if you want to hang out this weekend!"

"Matty! So I need some help in Photo. Do yuo think you could help me with the red? I just can't seem to find the right "tween" you know? Oh! I saw [MR.OZ] the other day! wasn't it nice of him to come visit you at school? I heard that he brought you lunch. Cute. See you fourth!"

[JUST AN FYI TO ALL MY LOYAL READERS]


MR.OZ AND I ARE NOT TOGETHER.

I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS.

STOP WISHING.

STOP CARING.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

I'm VERY VERY VERY SINGLE.


And in the oh so kind words of Mr.Choir [And yes, he prepared me for them]


MR.OZ AND I WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER.



Please let the dead horse die.
I've done everything in my power to get back together with him for 3 months.
Clearly HE doesn't want it to happen.

Plus,
after takling to him,
He's not a person that I would date anyways.
He's dead.
His soul is rotten, and his mind is lost.
From his myspace,
He's become so cynical and heartless,
that apparently he's going to hell for many different reasons.
It makes me pity the lost carcass that he calls his life.

He's not even a reject-fag that i MIGHT spend a MOMENT talking to.
He's a reject that i'd make fun of, and laugh at.

No REGRETS, Right? Cut Hard, Cut Deep, But Always Be Honest. You Know You Love Me
Matty B.

You Know There's A Message

Angel texted me theh other day, telling me to sleep well.
That's basically the extent of our communication.
I told him that I will go to BrainWash with him,
But i don't think that i'll be talking to him anytime soon.

It's just, I really don't see a reason.
I mean, I don't have feelings for him at the moment,
but when i see him,
who's to tell if i will or won't, you know?

I think it's like this:
I told Angel to punch me really hard one day, like a week ago.
It didn't leave a visable bruise,
HOWEVER, when you put your finger on the spot where he hit me,
it HURTS LIEK THE APOCOLYPSE.

I think that this situation is like my bruise:
I asked for it.
And eventhought there isn't a visable bruise,
It still hurts like fuck to think about.

So maybe when the bruise goes away,
I'll talk to him again.

..Lets hope he didn't punch me TOO TOO hard.
Random Metaphors, Lollypop SMACKING!
Matty B.

"Give Me A Reason.. To Start This Discussion-"

Ha.
Sometimes,
Things don't work out.

Sometimes,
People feel hurt.

Sometimes,
I lead people on.

Sometimes,
I get led on.

Sometimes,
You lie.

Sometimes,
You're honest.

Frankly,
I don't have the time or energy to differentiate between the two.

And Frankly,
I don't need you judging me.

I already have 750 "friends" on myspace doing that.

You Can't Have Your Cake, Eat It Then Throw It Up, And Expect It To Look And Taste The Same.
Matty B.

Honesty Overdose

I got home at 6:15 am this morning.
When i stumbled out of the passenger-side door,
i steadied myself on the smooth, cold garage wall,
and i traced my history back to the door leading inside.
I daintily stepped around the two ash trays, and six bags of trash,
and hopped up into my frigid home.
Winter air swirling all around me,
it greets me with an unwelcoming blow to the face.
I wabble over to the window
and close it with a forceful, yet satisfying click.
Now the room being vapid and empty,
i felt the room wane in towards me,
and i immidiately drop to the floor, laughing histerically.
I dug my fingernails into the cheap wallmart-quality carpet,
and roll around in the snow-chilled floor.
I'm standing at my mirror.
Wait- What?
IN a blink of an eye,
it staring at myself in the mirror,
examining every perfection; every flaw.
i turn on my shower,
and pull a warm towel out of my closet.
i suck in my stomach,
and all of my clothes slide off my body,
effortlessly,
painfully.
then suddenly i'm looking at the delicate frame of my body.
and i can't see it.
i can only see what i'm letting myself see.
I open my mouth and let the hot water cascade all over my body.
wait-what?
instantly in sitting at the bottom of my shower,
feeling the water beat upon my head.
i open my eyes,
and all i see is red.
crimsion hatred pours from my wrists,
but not as much as what coming out of my nose.
I'm numb.
I'm numb.
I'm numb.
I'm numb.
I'm ugly and i'm numb.
And it makes this bitch fierce.
I nuzzle ddown into my cold blankets,
and instantly,
it's the next afternoon.

You know you want to be me
Matty B.

I Follow With My Eyes 'Till They Crash

The smoke burned my eyes.
I sat in the car,
the cold leather branding me; bitch.
the stereo cradled what little emotions i could feel,
and attempted to nurse a tear from my eye.
The smoke burned my eyes.
Appendages numb from emotion,
numb from the frigid night,
i slid out the door,
and headed inside.
My fleshy hand grasped the icy door knob,
and i looked back at you.
In a beat,
I'm lying in your bed.
I'm cocooned inside hundreds of comforters,
but my body is mirroring my soul,
and i'm radiating frigid emptyness.
My eyes are closed;
searching for an answer,
Prentending to not be there,
pretending to not think.
pretending i can deal,
pretending i'm okay.
pretending to be alive.
pretending to be dead.
My mind is chaotic,
using, abusing, over analizing thoughts,
over thinking,
overloading.
hours go by and i don't even look at you.
i don't even touch you.
I'm lying on the edge,
because the last thing i want to do is make you uncomfortable,
uneasy.
even if it makes me uneasy, uncomfortable, unwanted.
it's okay.
it'll be okay.
i'm okay?
i'm fine?
then in a blind fury, it's black.

my eyes open,
and i see myselfholding him.
I jut away,
snapping my arm back,
because all i do is fucking things up.
if he wanted to be close, he'd hold me.
if he wanted-
and i'm out again.

I wake, and find myslf writing a blog, getting dressed
and getting out.

Safe, Sure, Whatever
Matty B.

6 quilts and I'm still cold as stone

I woke up a few times,
and i had my arm around him.

so i immidiately took it off, and skooted away.

he didn't so much as touch me.

wait-he did elbow me in the back.

damn
The russian's here, and in the mean time, you know exactly how i act, you know.
Matty B.

when the going gets rough...


Girlfriend emailed me.

"i don't leave people i love.
you are special to me because you wake up at 3 am so i can sit on your lap and cry about my miniscule problems.
you hold my hand when we walk all the way home from school in million degree weather.
you hold me all night so i won't fall off the bed even though i am sweating all over you and making you sweaty and even though i know you would rather be cuddling with the one on the other side of you.
you like me enough to let me meet your amazing roommates.
you take 35 minute breaks from work just because you appreciate us coming down just to say hi.
you try your best to make me feel like i am pretty."

we're very similar.
that's why i love this girl.

maybe that's why i love her (x) boyfriend.

What's Going On?!
Matty B.

Think Twice

I keep punishing myself.
I keep putting myself in situations where i think that my dreams can come true.
wrong.
Wrong.
WRONG.
WRONG!


i just feel.. vapid and empty. for some reason, i feel a spark, i feel... a little light of hope, and i try to force everything i can out of it, until it is just a little ball of crumpled up dreams in the gutter that is my consious mind.

i need to grow up.

i need ot be realistic.

but when i kiss him...
..it feels like home.

Thinner, skinnier, dirtier, gothier, grungier, sexier-
Matty B.

Everybody Wants To Be Hollywood

I was packing heat as i entered the school today.
Armed with cutting edge looks,
cocking my head slightly to the left and laughing,
when i heard the GROMITS spreading their rumors about me.

I pulled out my weapon of choice:
an added a half smile to my wicked, yet gracefully arched eyebrow,
while i floated past a notorious group of hetero seniors.
I could feel their eyes roam my body,
up and down my legs,
over my smoothe chest,
running through my hair.
They wrapped their lustful thoughts around me,
to replace the longing of wanting to be close to this unattainable.

Turning up my "MONEY, SUCCESS, FAME, GLAMOUR-"
The pulse of hatred and lust just fuled my sheilded strut.

I slid out from behind my Aldo sunglasses,
revealing my wise yet veaunerable eyes.
Flashing with strength and pride,
he sees a softness to them.
A boy-turning man looks up from his group of testosterone,
and i steal his gaze, while silently seducing him.
His "friends" punch him in the shoulder,
and he's suddenly sucked back into the cold of reality,
and sheepishly turns his back.

Klea runs rampant through my mind,
vibing her beats,
trancing my body,
and it pushes me harder,
it makes me high.
It makes me strong.
It makes me powerful.
It makes me perfect.

Tic Toc.. Time's running out, until i seduce someone else..
Matty B.

Here We Are, So What Cha Gonna Do?

Ever since Skylab,
My MYSPACE popularity has sky rocketed. I went from 680 friends to 750 in a matter of days.
It was was Fab.

Amongst these people to add me have been a few certain boys,
[who will remain nameless for the moment, until they earn a name on my blog]
who have expressed... "interest" in me.
It's funny, because the minute your ribs stick out a little,
and you get a little bit of definition on your stomach,
boys everywhere are poppin' boners out of their pants.

seriously.
lately it's been like
"Hi there, nice to meet you. Drop your pants."
I mean, I haven't done anything,
but it's definatly a little bit of an ego boost to have boys
[and men]
myspaceing me all the time.

Hm.. perhaps one of them will be perfect.
doubtful, but we'll see.

I was loosing myself to somebody else
Matty B.

Here We Are, So What Cha Gonna Do?

Ever since Skylab,
My MYSPACE popularity has sky rocketed. I went from 680 friends to 750 in a matter of days.
It was was Fab.

Amongst these people to add me have been a few certain boys,
[who will remain nameless for the moment, until they earn a name on my blog]
who have expressed... "interest" in me.
It's funny, because the minute your ribs stick out a little,
and you get a little bit of definition on your stomach,
boys everywhere are poppin' boners out of their pants.

seriously.
lately it's been like
"Hi there, nice to meet you. Drop your pants."
I mean, I haven't done anything,
but it's definatly a little bit of an ego boost to have boys
[and men]
myspaceing me all the time.

Hm.. perhaps one of them will be perfect.
doubtful, but we'll see.

I was loosing myself to somebody else
Matty B.

This Is Dedicated To All My Readers..

I love how no one reads my blog anymore.
Oh well, I write this for me, anyways.

I am. I am revolution
Matty B.

Skylab.. Etc.

here are a few pics from skylab.
It was probably the best rave i've ever been to.








Wings I drew/ painted onto Mr.Angel's back.

Can't Wait For Brain Wash!
Matty B.

What's He Doing?

I pushed him too hard.
and i can feel he aftermath, now.

It's similar to coming down off of a drug:
It is blissful and amazing during the time of ignorance.
However, once the drug starts to leave your body,
you start to feel empty and helpless,
almost panicky.

And that is how i feel.
Everyone (including him) keeps telling me how much people love me,
but in reality,
it's not love that people have.
it's shallow awe.

people want to be around me because i have a decent face,
and i work for Hollister,
and i live on my own.

no one ever wants to look deeper,
no one ever tries to look deeper.

believe it or not, there's more to me.
believe it or not, i have feelings.
believe it or not, with every cut blood comes out.
with every hateful word,
a tear is shed.
with every lonley moment,
a regret is made.

and i'm tired of bleeding and regretting everywhere.


just.






i need to feel again.
he made me feel again.
i just hope i don't fuck up friendship, too.

I don't see a cigarette.
Matty B.

Let The Motha' Fucker Burn

"I know you wanna be together.
Come with me tonight, we can make the night last forever.

Because The girl that you want, is tearing us apart.
Because she's everything, everything, i'm not.

Because You're so perfect, and i'm so messed up."

-the Veronicas

You-"So do you even want to be friends anymore?"
Me-"I never said i didn't want to be friends, i was just hurt that- i dunno. i was just sad that i couldn't ever compete with her. I'll never be her, and it's apparent that you love her so much.. and you'll never love me like that."

*pause*

You-"Do we have fun together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-" Do we laugh together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-"Were we the hottest most glamourous bitches at SKYLAB?"
Me-"yeah.."
You-"Do I make you happy?"
Me-"Yeah."
You-"then i don't see what the fuss is about."
[this conversation was last night, so i had to paraphrase, and i had to try to remmeber it.. so it might be a little off, but the general idea is there]

Lets be honest.
He does light up my day.
He's the only one, other than GUATEMALA BEAN, that can make me go from slitting my wrists to histerically laughing.

Damn it.

He's going to fall in love with me.
I can feel it.
I'll be dancing on stage, next to the DJ,
and the strobe lights will grace my thin frame,
my body will dip low,
i'll bring it up slow,
Raver boys all around will throw water on me,
and he'll be mezmorized by the glistening droplets of water cascading from my hair,
across my smoothe chest,
over my slightly protruding ribs,
down my flat stomach,
across my V lines,
into my booty shorts.
the water will coast down the long interstate that are my legs,
and settle at my feet.

The strobe lights will flash,
the lights will blind,
and when he looks at me,
he'll have the same expression on his face,
as the rest of the ravers in the crowd:
AWE.

You know you want me
Matty B.

Let The Motha' Fucker Burn

"I know you wanna be together.
Come with me tonight, we can make the night last forever.

Because The girl that you want, is tearing us apart.
Because she's everything, everything, i'm not.

Because You're so perfect, and i'm so messed up."

-the Veronicas

You-"So do you even want to be friends anymore?"
Me-"I never said i didn't want to be friends, i was just hurt that- i dunno. i was just sad that i couldn't ever compete with her. I'll never be her, and it's apparent that you love her so much.. and you'll never love me like that."

*pause*

You-"Do we have fun together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-" Do we laugh together?"
Me-"yeah."
You-"Were we the hottest most glamourous bitches at SKYLAB?"
Me-"yeah.."
You-"Do I make you happy?"
Me-"Yeah."
You-"then i don't see what the fuss is about."
[this conversation was last night, so i had to paraphrase, and i had to try to remmeber it.. so it might be a little off, but the general idea is there]

Lets be honest.
He does light up my day.
He's the only one, other than GUATEMALA BEAN, that can make me go from slitting my wrists to histerically laughing.

Damn it.

He's going to fall in love with me.
I can feel it.
I'll be dancing on stage, next to the DJ,
and the strobe lights will grace my thin frame,
my body will dip low,
i'll bring it up slow,
Raver boys all around will throw water on me,
and he'll be mezmorized by the glistening droplets of water cascading from my hair,
across my smoothe chest,
over my slightly protruding ribs,
down my flat stomach,
across my V lines,
into my booty shorts.
the water will coast down the long interstate that are my legs,
and settle at my feet.

The strobe lights will flash,
the lights will blind,
and when he looks at me,
he'll have the same expression on his face,
as the rest of the ravers in the crowd:
AWE.

You know you want me
Matty B.

You Really Are My Ecstacy PART DEUX

He wants to marry her.
this whole threeway thing is nearing the finish line,
and i'm pullin' 3rd.

How can I compete with 2 YEARS of history.
that's quite the head start.

It sucks, because he sends me messages like
"You deserve the sky, and so much more-"
"I had so much fun with you this weekend, you make me smile and laugh-"
and
"Baby, hot raver boys will come and go, but i'll always be here for you in the end-"

then he tells me he see's him and Girlfriend getting married.

wait-
WHAT?

so am I just a cute little jelousy tool?
did you even wrote those words, or were they given to you by my friends who know what i liek to hear, to ATTEMP to make me feel better?

Just because you kiss boys, doesn't make you Bi.
Just because you kiss me, doesn't mean you can have a relationship with me.
And How dare you say things like that you don't mean?

THAT is mean.
How could you mean words like that, when you want to be with Girlfriend?
Don't tell me what i want to hear.
be
BRUTALLY honest.
like i always say,
Honesty all the way, take no prisioners.
Go for the gold, no matter who it hurts.

So that's what i'm doing.

You played to my soft side.
You tell me things that i NEVER hear,
You tell me i'm beautiful when you know i'm not.
I have to ask you for a kiss.
It pains you to have to touch me.

Why can't you be honest with me?
Because feeling ashamed and ugly and unwated really hurts.
you say a lot to the contrary,
but your actions and body movement tell me a completely different story.

I ask me to dance with you,
and you don't even look in my eyes.
Worst of all, you don't even look at my body.
You're looking at Girlfriend wiggling around 10 feet behind me.
I can't compete with that.
I just..

I'm just inferior.
Some people ask why, i'm in love with you-"
Matty B.

You Really Are My Ecstacy

Skylab was absolutely phenominal.
I was hot.
My boyfriend was hot.
My girlfriend was hot.



Club Reps and Rave Poperazzi were all over us.
Pictures from the rave, of us have been posted on dozends of websites.
my myspace?
EXPLODING with friend requests.

you'd be surprized what a little "dieting" [STARVATION],
a little glamour [X]
and some glitter can do for a boy.

You know you want me.
Matty B.
[aka BEAUTIFUL]

Just A Boy, Just An Ordinary Boy, But He Was Looking To The Sky.
Hands plunged into my pockets,
i strolled down the concrete road,
leading past all the closed, empty shops.
Jack Johnson , Letters To cLeo, and and John Mayer
whispered sweet loves songs into my ear, while i approached a fire pit,
surrounded by cute little couples,
desperatly seeking warmth from the cool chill of the evening.

I sat down, alone, and tossed my cigarette butt into the flames.
I delved into my mind,
and i thought about the days events.
My heart reaches out to both of them.
But i know he loves her.
look at 'em.
look how he holds her,
look how he touches her,
and looks at her,

i can't compete.

I've Been dying inside, little by little
Matty B.

I'm Bringin' Sexy Back
Skylab is tomorrow.
I'm going with Mr.Angel and Girfriend.
I'm dating both of them.
it's like,
we're polyamourous or something.
Sex (or whatever) with Girlfriend will be interesting.
we'll see how this all plays out.

You're Going TO Give Me a Heart Attack
Matty B.