“Your Words Don’t Stick. I ‘aint Perfect, But You ‘aint Either”
I realized I had made a huge mistake by inviting him, the second he started to get comfortable with everyone at the party.
It all started innocently enough. The ‘Big Gay House’ was packed with fabulous gorgeous boys, bouncing and dancing to Britney’s new album. We were all playing beer pong in one room, taking shots in the kitchen, making out in the stairwell, and smoking outside, all at once, all in a loud, colorful blur.
Jimmy was clearly out of his element; he was in a city he never came to, in a house full of gay men that he had never met. It was only natural for him to feel a little bit awkward or out of place for a while, until he warmed up to everyone. I of course did the best friend duty all night long: I introduced him to everyone, made sure his drink was always full, and smoked with him whenever he needed one-on-one time. That’s when the evening took a turn for the worse.
I am very good about not letting anyone get me down. If I have a moment of weakness, I am EVEN BETTER at hiding it. The last time I was comfortable enough to boldly show anyone my character flaws, we stopped being friends, and he moved in with a man who not only has an immense distaste for me, but actively tries to fuck my life. To say the least, that relationship yielded.
“You know how much Kyle means to me. Not only is he kind-hearted and genuine, but he’s a virgin, and you CAN’T just fuck him. I won’t allow it,” I said simply, crossing my arms. “He’s looking for someone who he can trust and be with, and not to just a hookup. You have to be… gentle when it comes to Kyle. He means a lot to me.”
“Matty B., we are both adults. If I want to fuck him, I’m going to. He can make that decision on his own, with out you butting in. I’ll fuck who I want, when I want, regardless of what you have to say about it-”
“You’re acting like the type of person that Kyle will see right through, and would never be with, just so you know.” I replied as I shifted my weight from one leg to the other and snapped at him.
I was right.
It was almost two am. We had been fighting off and on, all night long, a different issue each time. He had been yelling at me for about two and a half cigarettes, (I was going to guess about 25 minutes or so) when I felt our friendship start to die.
The cold enveloped my body like ice water, but I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t even hear the hateful things that Jimmy was drunkenly slurring six inches in my face. I could see the small bits of spit flying out of his mouth, and wondered if any of it was landing on my makeup. I was completely numb to him. The world was silent, and in slow motion. Each one of his words were slowly sculpted by his lips; foam colleting in the corners. It was like watching the tides of the ocean rush in, and slide out… rush in, and slide out. It was calming, which resulted in a small smile. This sent him into another fit of rage.
Time passed, and soon the ocean of words that were pouring from his mouth, became boring and repetitive. I slowly turned my back to him to walk inside, dismissing him, when he grabbed my arm with a maliciously firm grasp. Suddenly the world hit play, and the volume of his words were being blasted in my face. It was GO time.
I whipped my head around in a brunette flourish, and was looming over him, my eyes large, and body firm, my words soft and precise.
“What are you going to do Jimmy? Hit me? Do it. I’ve been hit before, and it wouldn’t surprise me that you would resort to violence, when things aren’t going your way.”
I ripped my arm out of his hand. He was clearly startled, and hadn’t expected me to be so convincing, so honest. He quickly recovered, and leaned in close to my face, attempting to regain what he thought was the alpha position. What he didn’t understand was that he never had that position. I allowed him to feel like he did, so as to not to tempt his drunken aggression.
You see, Jimmy is a very emotional and aggressive drunk. Everybody knows it, especially me. I usually know how to keep a handle on the situation, but tonight, I didn’t care. I am usually a little apprehensive when I’m with him, because he can be so unpredictable when he drinks. Tonight, I didn’t care what he did. He crossed many lines, and he had to know.
“You think I would hit you Matty? You think I would actually fuckin’ do that? You think I would?”
“You’re an inch from my face, aren’t you?” I replied curtly.
“I can’t believe that you would think that. After everything I’ve done. After all this time, you think that of me,” he yelled into my face, continuously spitting all over my makeup.
After one sentence from me, the world had gone silent again. Jimmy was back to being the star of this independent teen-angst film. I was just a filler-role, fulfilling my brief one liner, before he could continue his monotonous monologue. It was exhausting. I looked down at him, directly in the eyes. I looked past his clothes, past his words, and into his heart.
“Matty! You never let anyone in! How do you expect anyone to love you if you can’t ever let down your wall for a fucking second? No relationship you are ever going have is going to work! What? Are you jealous that I’ve fucked Zach and Asia, but not you? What is it? What the fuck is your problem? No wonder it didn’t work with Scott, or Nama, or John.. should I continue?”
I looked away from him. Cold tears crept down my hot cheeks, slowly at first, and then faster until it was a thin, steady flow. What he didn’t understand was that I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t upset that he was calling me out on all my failed relationships. I know I’m not perfect. I can’t even explain what exactly I was feeling. I wasn’t emotional at all.
I had come to the overwhelming realization at that moment, that he didn’t get it. He was witnessing my heart break, right before his eyes. I came to the cold, hard realization that he wasn’t my friend, and he wouldn’t ever be. I thought that after all the shit we had been through, he would be the one I could honestly call my friend. In that instant, after hearing the words that came out of his mouth, I decided that it was over. After all of the sculpting, culturing, and hard work of developing him into this amazing person that I would be proud to call my BFF, it had ended with a tear. He was a lost cause. And even I couldn’t do anything about that.
I smiled at him, and rubbed his shoulder. It wasn’t his fault. He just wasn’t the one. He has put me through some tough shit over this past year, and I thought we had gotten past all of it, but he never learned. More importantly, he didn’t even realize what he was doing, or that treating your friends like a disposable Kleenex was wrong. I winked off the tears, and took a deep breath. I was going to have to start all over with someone else. At least I realized it now, and not in five years, when I’d have really grown attached.
I flew up the stairs and into the bathroom. Before anyone could even get up the stairs, I was already descending down them, my face completely flawless again, with a white smile, and a cocktail.
My new friend Bay, whom I had met earlier that night, came over to me a few minutes later.
“Hey Matty, are you alright? He was looking pretty bossy out there,” referring to the hour long feud that had taken place out back, on the other side of two very large (and very transparent) sliding glass doors.
“Nothing a little MAC can’t fix, right?” I replied with a painful smile.
“Lets go have a drink, Beautiful.” He smiled, as he wrapped his arm around me and led me to the kitchen, where I gracefully maneuvered around where someone had thrown up earlier that night.
“I couldn’t agree with you more!”
I truly believed that Jimmy was going to be the one I could talk to, the one I could be honest to. After months and months of ground work with him, I thought he would turn out to be a decent guy. As of now, I was wrong. Who knows what the future will hold. Unfortunately with him, I’m not optimistic.
Matty B.
