"Like Shattered Glass-"

I cooked for him. I prepared baked chicken teriyaki over steamed rice, with fresh vegetable stir fry, and a white wine. While we were sitting there eating, I looked over at him as he dove in head first to his meal. I silently smiled to myself when I saw a mouth full of food behind a grin. The meal had taken two hours, but it was all worth it, at that very moment. What he didn’t know yet, was that I had baked blueberry muffins to eat the following morning, for breakfast.

Afterwards we went upstairs and sat on my bed, where we played scrabble and chess. I totally kicked his ass at Scrabble (the entire game), but he barely redeemed himself by winning at chess afterwards. This is going to sound stupid, I know, but I was legitimately happy. I had no desire to go out with my boys. I didn’t want a cocktail, or to go dancing. Hell, I didn’t even want a cigarette or need to smoke. Sitting there with this socially awkward kid was not just great, but things were… okay.

He slid his hands under my sweat pants, and gently touched my freshly shaven skin. I recently started working out again, and my muscles were throbbing with the satisfaction of actually being used. Without saying a word, his hands found my most sensitive spot on my calf, and tenderly started working the muscle free from tension’s grips.
I
looked at him. I REALLY looked at him, to get a good read of who he was. He seemed like this great intuitive guy, who was absolutely gorgeous, was incredibly smart, 100% introverted, with this strained manic laugh, that would normally irritate me, but didn’t. The only problem was that no matter how hard I tried to get him to open up, he wouldn’t. …or couldn’t. I didn’t know if he’s guarded, or just insensitive. But I was willing to work through that, to see what was inside.
We were lying in my bed, and although he is significantly taller than me, I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. He held me tighter, and turned around to kiss me. I slept the entire night holding him, the soft skin of my cheek lying gently pressed to his smooth, strong back. I felt my heart smile.

“I am.”

A few moments pass.

“Well yeah, I prolly should have told you. Just never thought about it”

A couple minutes pass.

“And they’ve mostly been dates. Nothing that’s been going on a long time.”

I felt my heart sink out of my chest and onto the ground. i haven’t slept in 28 hours, and I can’t even imagine trying to sleep before I try and get this out of me.

Five weeks ago, we were standing at a bus stop, slow dancing with each other as cars sped past, the night cool, his body warm. He pulled me in closer, held me tight, and kissed me deep. Strangers passing, horns honking; the world was silent, because I was the star of a Clark Gable movie, and nothing was going to ruin that.

Two weeks ago we were sitting in my car in the middle of the night, talking for hours, learning about each other. The night was so cold, that my windshield had frozen over, and I had to periodically turn on the car, just to keep us from getting frostbite. I told him that I wanted more. That I wanted him. I wanted to walk in that direction.

Last weekend I cooked for him. That person I cooked for was not only my best friend in the whole world, but I loved him to the stars and back. It takes a lot for me to kind of put myself out there, and really provide for someone. I’m so used to taking care of only myself that it means a lot for me to do something like that. It’s almost…. Personal. It’s been years since I’ve done that for someone.

Just now I told him that I wasn’t dating either of the guys that I had been with the past few months, anymore. He told me that he had started seeing other people.

I am beyond words. I don’t even understand how to feel, how to react, or what to do with that. I feel deranged. That could be the result of sleep deprivation, though. Help?

Matty B.