"I See Right Through To You."

I was drinking a bottle glass of wine, when an IC screen popped up, while I was checking my email on connexion. A very attractive man that lives in NYC/LA. one of the first things he said was, “ you are a special person.” Naturally, I was intrigued, and told him to continue.

We spent about an hour talking about me. He just rattled off what he thought (or as he said “felt”) about me, and my life. I of course, thought that he was just another loyal reader, who was regurgitating information that they read on my blog, trying to impress me. Until I read this:

*****: your mom's twin died young?
MattyB.: how on earth did you know that?
MattyB.: i've never written about that.

I had this pit in my stomach that dropped. Robbie, my mom’s twin (whom my little brother is named after) died when he was four, which devastated my grandma. It quintessentially de-railed her entire life, literally, until the day I was born. She completely abandoned her family, because she was so beside herself with grief. Both of my uncles don’t speak with her because of this reckless abandonment. There have been periods of time where my mother hasn’t spoken to her, even though she has more than made up for the lost time, by helping her raise me and my little brother.

We continued to talk until late in the night. He basically painted a picture about how CJ and I’s relationship went from day one, until this very day. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that I loved him whole heartedly. Which is why it probably ended so poorly the first time. I felt that I couldn’t ever have that same un restrained love that I was more than willing to share with him.

*****: you protected him
*****: cared for him
MattyB.: you have no idea.
*****: wait
*****: did you ever feel he got high so that he
could be with you?
*****: and then not remember
MattyB.: i feel that it was easier for him to cope with.
MattyB.: .. this is actually kind of a rough subject for
me.

I almost felt tears welling up inside of me. I had never talked to anyone about ho I had felt about CJ, to anyone. Not even CJ. Not even myself.

People don’t quite understand what it means to have a relationship with me. I didn’t have an opportunity to have a strong family connection while I was growing up. I always relied and depended on my friends to be my support system, my family. All of my friends know that. I spend all of my time talking to and spending time with them. Everyone knows that I have a very tight-knit group, that I spend LITERALLY all of my time with. I treat my friends as my pseudo family.

I don’t know what it is.
I have a little more searching to do I guess.

"All I Wanted Was Just A Night With You-"
Matty B.