Stains On My T-Shirt, Bruises On My Heart

It is the worst feeling telling somebody you care about,
That you want to be around,
That you are going to see other people.
Not date, just see.
If for anything,
Just the gratification that someone finds you attractive,
Wants to spend time with you;
Wants to take you out for a meal,
Some laughs.

I just miss that, you know?
Every time I check my email,
All it’s full of is guys that want to fuck me,
And do you know what I say to that?
Fuck them.
I’m over that stage of my life.

I am upset at how things are working out right now.
Everyone is upset that they think they are going to hurt me,
And the people that are hurting me,
Don’t even notice.
On top of that,
They want me to stop being around the only people that can get me to smile.
I mean, my heart couldn’t possibly break when it wasn’t whole to start with, right?
It’s just.. trying.

First mate? There is no first mate.
This is the good ship lifestyle.
All my men have jumped ship.
It’s the lonliest voyage I’ve ever been on.

That pretty much sums it up.

There is no you.
Matty B.

Straight Up Now Tell Me.

I've decided I really want to go on a date.
A full fledged,
I spend an hour in the shower,
Two hours picking out an outfit,
Too much time on my hair,
Nervous but curious,
Flirty and fun,
Honest to god,
Walk me to my door,
Soft touch of my cheek,
Date.

Something real.
I want to feel.
I want to be nervous
And I want to blush,
And get slightly embarrassed when I do something clumsy.
I want someone to notice the sparkle in my eye.
I need someone to give me a genuine smile,
That I will KNOW is right.

I want to walk down 16th St. Mall,
I want to scream in terror at a horror movie,
I want to laugh at the retarded ducks in the park,
I want to sit in the back of Starbucks and share a white peppermint mocha.
I want to be held.
I want to be seen as more than sex.
I want to go dancing.
I want to laugh and joke,
I want to be happy.

I want to feel alive again.

I can tell you've been crying, and you're needin' somebody to talk to
Matty B.

The Ten Day Dry Spell

Things have gone from complete chaos, to ready, steady routine.
I received my job at the Realty Company,
And I’ve been working there all week.
It has been absolutely wonderful.
I work as the executive assistant to the company,
And I love it.

I’m making good money,
I am distracted from my grey life,
Things with my family have been going well,
So I should be happy right?

The problem,
Is that although I have a killer job,
Fantastic co-workers,
And a decent amount of money coming in..
..I just don’t have anyone to share that with.
Not a boyfriend, or a male in general,
..not even friends.

I sit at home in my bright red briefs,
Watching Will and Grace re-runs,
While eating crackers and ice chips.
I have an itch,
And it’s not the now-dry face mask,
That I’ve been applying every night.

First,
There’s the itch for sex.
I’m not having it with anyone.
Although I am getting a lot
[and I mean a LOT]
Of offers,
I just feel that I’m over that part of my life.
I need something more.

Second, there’s companionship.
I don’t even have a steady person in my life for me to talk to..
Or even see.
It’s really quite grounding,
And after a long amount of time,
You start to see who your real friends are..
And who aren’t.

More importantly,
You see who cares.
It’s almost every night that I lie in my bed,
Eyes wide open;
Tears running down my expressionless face.

I haven’t sleep a full night in over a month.
The last time I remember sleeping through the night,
Was probably when Mr.MUSE came over..
..and that was many weeks ago,
If not a month.

Speaking of,
He gets back into town today.
He left for Florida to go to Disney Land with his family,
To figure things out.

I haven’t spoken to him in a week,
And part of me feels a sense of relief.
For months,
Everytime I talk to him,
It feels like the last.
I never know if he’s going to choose me,
Or a life alone.

It’s actually quite humiliating.
There’s a two choices:
Being with me,
Or being alone.
And he’s having a really hard time deciding.

Ha. What kind of person am I,
If he chooses to be alone?
How ridiculous would that be?
What, I’d tell my friends,
“How’s David? Oh he’s good.
He’d rather be alone writhing in his own misery,
Than spend time with me.”
Ha. That’s a party joke.

I am incredibly pessimistic,
And as result to all this distance,
It feels like the decision has already been made.

I suppose if he wants to end it,
I wouldn’t feel too much different than how I feel right now.
Alone.
Empty.
Sad.

I’ll just sit back relax,
I’ll just sit back and relapse.

Can't take the kid from the kid, take the fight from the kid
Matty B.

N'est Pas un Problem

It's 1:09am.
Blasting in my ear is French Big Band music.
I've never heard something so strange.
Suddenly the music changes to salsa.
I'm slightly thrown off gaurd,
and slightly irked that i can't listen to my own music.
The bathroom is orange.
I don't like using it,
because i don't have anywhere to rest my eyes,
except for the brick wall, behind the toilet.
It's so old and broken,
that there are holes.
I zip my jeans,
and i peer through the wall.
Outside, i see a large black man.
He's wearing a long, grey coat.
I see another man approach him.
He's small and sad.
and shoved deep into his pokets,
his breath steaming from his lips.
They stand there for a moment,
in silence.
they get close,
then they turn and go their seperate ways.
Huh.
I look into my reflection,
and my eyeliner is the thickest it's ever been in my life.
I look very scene;
i feel very scene.
i feel empty,
and my eyes reflect it.
I can't escape my vices, it seems.
i frown at myself,
and I go back to my seat,
and two boys sit across from me;
on a date.
after a few minutes,
one asks me,
"Are you Matty B.?"
"Uhm.. Yeah. Do we know eachother?"
"Oh no, but i know you from myspace."
"Well, nice to meet you."

Akward. my computer is almost out of battery.
So i will leave.
and now,
I will go home, alone.
and thank the lord that I am sober today.

[and that i'm alive.]

Matty B.

Vultures on a Carcass

I'm surrounded by men.
All of them eyes wide,
mouth open,
slightly drooling.
i feel exposed,
and while i'm being scammed on by all these men,
all i can think of is you.
i segrgate myself,
roll over,
wrap my arms around myself,
and remind myself of your smile.

Alone, but..?
Matty B.

Monster

I couldn't see you.
I was trying to peer around the pink elephant that seperated us.
You rock back in your chair;
I frown.
Leaning on my stomach,
I look into your eyes.
The pain and fear in your eyes,
meet the understanding in mine.
You turn away, embarassed.
I protest.
"-Hey...
Hey!"
You look up,
Pain in your eyes,
reflecting tears.
My heart sinks,
and I can feel my own emotions start to boil to the surface.
I reach out and hold out my hand.
A paralyzing moment passes,
Our eyes meet,
and you wrap your cold fingers around mine.
I close my eyes,
and I bring your hand to my lips.
I can feel your depression seep into me,
slowly,
like a sickness.
I squeeze my eyes tighter,
and grasp your hands harder.
You will feel my faith.
You move closer to me,
and now i'm the one with the tears in my eyes.
i wrap my arms around you,
one hand behind your head,
the other pressed firmly against your back.
your body is warm,
and your familliar scent gives me hope.
You drive me home.
i look into your eyes,
and your kiss is light,
but genuine.
i hug you hard;
akward;
but genuine.
I dream of a day when you could understand how much i care for you.

And it feels so strange... don't let it waste away.
Matty B.

Pessamism?

I've realized that as of today,
right this second,
I have nothing.

I don't have a job.
I'm not going to school.
I don't really have friends.
I don't have a man.
I don't have a car.
I don't have [very much] money.
I don't have any dreams.

Wow.
Now that i put that out there,
it's very real.
It's al little too real for me.
I don't want to deal with it right now.


...
Matty B.

The sky is upset.
I sit here,
in a seat thousands of other people have sat in,
wondering if things are every going to change.
I look out my window,
and all i can see,
are stresed out people,
living in a stressful world.
The sky is a torment of grey,
just waiting to seige it's wrath upon the unsuspecting "innocent" bystanders.
The term innocent is used loosly,
considering innocent is in the eye of the beholder.
My bus drives down the crowded outdoor mall,
and all I can see are homeless people being ignored,
while business class swarm in and out of the centralized Starbucks.
My bus picks up speed as it travels the well-worn path,
my own personal oregon trail.
From point A to point B,
everytime I take it,
I can't seem to grasp the memory of what's in between.
Today is even harder because of the world of grey that i'm surrounded in.
Industrial smokestacks penetrate the sky,
pumping thick, creamy, black smoke; invading.
The wind picks up in protest,
but it only blows around the little worker bees
and doesn't even phase the firm, relentless, stacks.
I look around my bus,
grey seats,
grey walls,
grey driver,
grey people,
and all I can do is frown at the fact that the world around me
is in an industrial slumber.
Every face is the same:
Long and sallow,
deep cheeks with baggy eyes.
It's almost like everyone is on the verge of tears,
but they can't let it out
because they are overcome by their corporate sedation.
One girl in the back manages a whimper,
but the old, wise woman next to her smacks her hand over her mouth;
silencing her instantly.
I peer out the window:
trying to see a glimpse of something better;
of something real,
but all i see are the same totem-poll faces
of the commutors in the cars surrounding me.
In the distance i see something.
Through the gently cascading grey snow,
i see a little red convertable.
Inside is a young man,
sporting big sunglasses,
with a matching matching grin.
I gasp,
because the top and windows are down,
and a scarf bellows behind him;
dancing in the wind.
He grins at me:
offering me a seat.
My bus and his car are racing side by side,
the driver glaring at his very apparent declaration of independance.
My face is pressed against the window, now.
I can feel the warmth of his hope consume me,
and i want to take the leap.
My fingers trace the lever to the emergency exit window.
i know that with one felt-push,
i could be free.
Leave everything behind,
start a new life,
eyes closed,
arms wide..
Then i realize.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not the boy I used to be;
I'm the man i never wanted to see.
So i sit back down in my seat,
I wave goodbye to the gentleman in red,
open up my compact,
and i re-apply my totem-pole face.

Open or closed, you're still a book.
Matty B.

I Want What I Want When I Want... Wiat- What Do I Want?

So Mr.MUSE and I went on a drive today.
He said that he read my blog,
and that my feelings were valid.

While eating at RedRobin in Loveland,
we talked about everything.
We basically reviewed everything in my blog,
and he said that I was valid for feeling that way,
and that he hasn't been fair to me.
He said he felt bad, which made me feel bad..
but we talked it out.

Verdict?
New Year, new lease on this "relationship".
We'll try it again,
and he says he'll be more aware of how i feel.

I'm a little apprehensive at this point.
However, I want to give this another shot.

And hopefully, He will, too.
I'm the new cancer, and I've never looked better, and you can't stand it.
Matty B.

The Breakup

I spoke with Mr.MUSE this afternoon.
I've been trying to put things out my mind.
I thought about it all night, after talking to him.
The idea of having a relationship is so daunting.
It's terrifying to me.
With every man i've ever been with,
[with the exception of Mr.OZ]
it's always been about the games,
and the mind fucks..
The toying and the screwing around.
But this is different.
Oh it's different alright.
I'm watching "The Break-Up",
with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaugn,
and it makes me appreciate my genuine happy feel,
that he gives me.
Even if I end up meeting him tomorrow,
and he tells me that he's just not ready,
Okay i won't lie,
I'd be incredibly mildly devistated,
but i'll be able to look back at the time we've spent together,
and smile.
I mean, we've never had a bad time.
We've never argued,
We've never fought,
The laughs are genuine and plentiful,
i'm always grinning ear to ear when i know i'm going to see him.
[not to mention the phenominal sex.]
he just.. g'ah!
I'm not sure how he feels, to be honest.
However, i know that if he didn't feel something,
he wouldn't have me waiting all this time.

We'll just cross our fingers.
It's not going to turn out like the Old 49ers.
Matty B.

For Christs' Sake!

I'm going to go visit Mr.Buff.
I think a drunken night in Boulder would ease my mind.
This snow is coming down pretty relentless,
and it's pissing me off.
This blog isn't going to make any sense,
and i'm kind of just blabbering about nothing.
I'm going to hop on the bus and head down to boulder.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!
G'uhahaw.
I am so pissed.
Fucking everything.

I need to buy a new phone.
I would like to loose some weight.
Fucking skinny hot people.

DAMN IT!
Let's go.
Matty B.

Getting Bucked Off The Horse

I've been trying to keep an open mind the past few weeks.
Things haven't really been going my way,
friends have been minimal,
and my basic attitude has been fairly shitty, to be honest.

I quit my job at Starbucks.
It just wasn't the same anymore.

Mr.MUSE and I talked last night.
For hours, we basically mapped out our relationship thus far.
We agreed that the situation was unfair;
i've been waiting around for months, for him.
He's been having a hard time with schedualing his time;
along with letting his ex go.
I told him how i felt,
as described in my blog,
and told him how much it hurts.
How much it sucks to be back burner to an ex.

It's just, and we both agreed,
that when we're together,
it's amazing.
I feel like i'm new again,
and for someone who definatly NOT new,
that's fairly significant.

We said we'd give it a day,
think things out,
and revisit the "relationship" [or lack thereof] on saturday.
I hope he makes the right decision.
I hope he can move on..
..and I hope that he'll let me help him.

I've Been To Paris. After 3 Hours, I Was Like, Are You Hiring?
Matty B.

All The Girls Steppin' Out For A Public Affair

My mind has officially been settled.
I got to talking to Mr.MUSE,
and his mother said I was "beautiful".
My heart smiled so hard,
it made me grin.

"That being said, I do feel like I have already started making a wonderful friendship with you.
You're wonderful, no buts about it.

Ps my mom thought you were beautiful!

We will have to plan our next outing, and you were the best possible company to the show today. It was hella fun"

I suggested that i stop looking at our relationship from a [BF] stand point,
and more as a friendship..
because that's what's not really developing: the friendship.
I mean, what's a relationship if not just having passionate sex with your best friend?
[we have the sex thing down, lol]

I don't know if i'm making any sense.
All i know, is that he makes me smile,
and i'm am absoutely thrilled to see how this friendship blooms.

That's right, stand up.
Matty B.

The True Meaning Of Christmas

I'll be honest.
I thought that this Christmas was going to be a total bust.
Anybody who knows me,
knwos that i am a GRINCH.
To say the least,
my past holiday experiences have been less than.. jolly.
I'll skip the griping and re-hashing of it:
[fucking little brother that get's Xbox's, Digital Cameras, PS2's, while I get nothing.]

An focus on the current status of this Holiday Season.
This afternoon I was invited to go to the Theater with Mr.MUSE.. and his mother.
Normally I would be absoutely horrified at the mere idea of meeting someone so close to him;
someone that is so important in his life,
But not only have i heard nothing but fantastic things about her,
but i knew that if she was anything like her son,
it wouldn't even be an issue.
She was. And it wasn't.
I had a wonderful time at DCPA, and the show was amazing,
To put it bluntly:
It was the perfect begining of the best Christmas I've ever/will ever have.

As we were walking out of DCPA,
The most amazing thing started to happen:
huge, wet snowflakes filled the air,
and they were ever-so-gently landing on the ground,
providing a fresh, clean layer of white,
to cover the then-brown snow.
It was just.. Perfection.

Mr.MUSE walked me to my door,
kissed me,
and left.

When I got up to my apartment,
i found the PERFECTLY wrapped gift,
with a note, from Eric.
[that boy has no idea how much I care about him, and miss him. He really does take care of me when i have no where to go, feeds me when i'm hungry, and the best part is, is that when i'm down, he doesn't try and make me laugh, we just watch Sex and the City, and eat ice cream, and gummy worms.]
Inside the box was the most festive gift i recieved:
A pair of red breifs from American Apparel.
I laughed,
stuck 'em in my bag,
and headed out to go to Boulder.

I decided not to listen to my iPod while walking there,
because the soft muffled noise of the city was just too suiting.
I strolled down 16th,
and just felt the huge flakes of snow land politely an my head.
When I reached the station,
I pulled out my money to give to the bus driver,
and he smiled at me,
and put his hand over the meter.
I grinned and wished him a Merry Christmas,
and hopped into my favorite seat:
Half way back, next to the window.
I turned on my iPod,
and watched my new world blend into my old one.

I arrived in Louisville about a half hour later,
and waited for Angel to get off of work.
[it took two hours]
but it was worth it,
because i haven't seen him in SO long.
I ran in and gave him the biggest hug.
It was so refreshing.
To hug someone that meant something to me.
It just feels so honest.

We went back to his apartment,
and his dad had chili made for us.
We ate,
laughed,
watched the stupidest movie ever,
smoked,
talked,
laughed..
It's funny the little things that you take for granted in like.
When i lived at Trinity [the Louisville Townhouse]
I got those things everyday.
..it's funny that the thing that makes my Christmas so wonderful,
are just the little common joys that make every normal day worth it.

It feels good to genuinely smile.
I've needed that.

[♥]
The Sounds? FreezePop? HelloGoodBye? Could I love you anymore?!
Matty B.

How To Trust

The weather can be a very tempermental.
I found myself waking up this morning at 11:00am,
so that i could go to work by 12pm.
I look outside of my window,
an to my surprise,
I am greeted with a cool breeze,
and a gorgeous view of gently cascading snow.
Minutes fly by,
I'm in and out of the shower,
and buttoning up my jacket,
and locking my apartment door.
I hop down the front steps,
and right as i step through the 9" of snow,
on to the street,
a HUGE whirlwind envelopes me,
and i'm covered in a thick layer of white.
45 minutes later I arrive at work,
only to find out that they're getting ready to close early.

You would think that that was a good thing.
Ha.
I run home,
change clothes,
and i'm back out the door.
This afternoon, i decided that it would be nice to surpize Mr.Muse,
by coming to Boulder.
He originally had plans for him to come up to Denver,
but because of the snow,
That didn't seem to be able to happen.
He asked me what i was doing this weekend,
and after telling him nothing,
he proceeded to tell me Saturday night was for his dad,
and sunday night is for his mom.
[so why did he ask me to begin with?]
Frusterated, cold, and annoyed that i'd been promised it's be "made up to me",
I decided to take charge.
After I expressed to him that i was thinking of ocming to Boulder,
He says that he has plans for the rest of the afternoon,
but the evening was open.

I hop on a bus to Boulder.
This was the first mistake.

With a bottle of Pinot Grigio, a pink tank top [to match my breifs], my iPod, and his Christmas gift, i set off to Boulder.

10 minutes later, we're stuck on highway 36.
I, along with about 10 other guys,
got out of the bus,
and DUG it out off a snow drift.
The cold air was harsh and unforgiving,
the snow was wet and heavy.
i got on my stomach and slid underneath the bus,
to dig out the wheels.
I LITERALLY was UNDERNEATH a bus on 36 for almost an hour,
digging out the wheels,
so that i could get to Boulder.
After abotu an hour,
we all got behind the bus,
and pushed it out of the drift.

I sat on that bus,
covered in snow,
soaking wet and freezing,
for 4 more hours.

I called Mr.Muse.
He said that he got snowed in at his EX's house,
and probably wasn't going to be able to make it home tonight.
I curtly said goodbye,
and hung up the phone.

My question is this:
"Why must I feel that I have to go out of my way to make this work?
Clearly, i'm making the smae mistakes i've made with the other men in my previous relationships: I'm not getting back what i'm giving. Or at least, it hasn't been made clear what shoudl be given, and what should be recieved."

I feel frusterated.
All I hear are reasons why he can't come see me.
All I hear are reasons why he's so busy.
All we do is break plans.
This isn't a relationship, it's a sinking ship.

He tells me he doesn't want to screw this up,
or that he's afraid of- i don't even know.
Well he's doing a pretty good job of it.
I am just saddened that i can't amke it all better, you know?

He's a mess.
Things are very overwhelming for him right now,
and it sucks, because all i want to do is make it better for him; for us.
I understand. I UNDERSTAND.
That needs to be made clear.
I understand, and i can respect a man with goals and objectives.
It's just.. i wish that I could be a goal or objective, you know?

When I offer to come down to Boulder early to spend time with him,
he tells me not to, because he wants to spend the afternoon with his EX?
[who he sees on a regular basis]

Should i feel threatened that I play back seat [more like TRUNK] to his EX?
I feel that if his priorities are how he wants them,
then i am clearly not a deciding factor in any of his decisions.

Things seem PAINFULLY clear to me.
And i have a frown on my face.

I think i'm just fretting too much.
It felt good to voice my insecurities, though.

One night only, for one night only, pretend to care.

Matty B.

Gorgeous, Where's Ma Ciggs?

People are really predictable funny sometimes.
I haven't checked my email in a few days,
My cell phone was turned off,
So i haven't been making any calls,
and i have a [full] inbox of emails reading
"Matty! Are you okay? You haven't blogged in days, and I was worried to death that you died! Oh my god, email meback fucker! I miss you Babii!"

So, because I stopped blgogin i'm dead?
Hahahahaha. it just made me laugh.
It sucks, because everyone in the world that i don't want emailing me, does..
And the few people i want to hear from,
i haven't.

Dag, yo.
Please find the error in your ways,
and apologize.
[please.]
I KNOW you're reading this.

[DATE UPDATE]
This are going good.
Mr.MUSE came over last week,
and his last final was yesterday [he says he did amazingly],
and i can look forward to a Mr.MUSE-rich Holiday.
He's coming over tomorrow night,
and I'm excited.

Although we're not "TOGETHER",
we decided to be sexually monogomous.
And that is good enough for me.
[for now].

God, he makes me smile.
I just can't fuck this up.
I'm playin' in the big leaugues.
And he's a hard hitter.
[Grill, fo REALS]♥

I can do what she can do so much better.[DUH]

Matty B.

Where'd You Go? [close captioned]

I stopped talking to you.
And i also stopped talk to you.
And you, and you, and you.
What's the point?
I texted you.
I called him.
I called her.

You broke plans.
She blew me off.
He ignored my general presence.

I don't have a cell phone.
What's the point?
I'm a frivolous friend,
and i'm the only person that dials the phone.
Any relationship in life, is a two way street.

So now, when you need it,
I'm not there.
You can't come over in the middle of the night and cry on my shoulder,
You can't call me.
You can't text me.
Huh, you shouldn't have taken me for granted.

[intermission]

People have been really fucked up lately.
No calls.
No emails.
No Comments.

Fuck that.
I have a phone.
only VIP in my life get the number.
My own mother doesn't even have it.

Are you closer than family?
A world of one way minds.
Matty B.

Grumpy and Frumpy: Memoirs of a GAYsha

[Quick blurb, before I start to blog: Frostbite was not fun. Especially the attitudes from my "friends" afterwards. G'uhahw]

I talked to people.
It was nice.
I cancelled having my mother, grandma, and little from come seeing me today, because I couldn't arrange a way to get home.
Oh well.

I got to talk out somethings with [i've decided to name him:] Mr.MUSE.
[i'll explain the meaning to him, when he asks me. It's actually an abbreviation]
Things kind of ironed themselves out,
which was nice.
I was feeling like a drooling 12 year-old 7th grader with braces,
and a pink notebook with hearts and his name written all over it.
It's gross, and disgusting,
and i'm not comfortable being so veunerable.

I told him all this.
Although he wasn't very constructive as far as reassuring me that i'm not crazy,
he was sucessful in showing me a light,
in his very busy [and cluttered] tunnel.

I can breath a little easier.
I'll see him on thursday,
and he will be reminded how adorable and amiable i am.

Que-sedilla?
Matty B.

Sitting In The Grass, Lying Side By Side

I'm conflicted.
He's busy.
Duh.
We all know that.

So what do i do?
I go out to this party with one of my suitors,
[We'll call him Mr.Buff]
And while i'm standing in the back of Denny's drunk toasted,
He tells me how much I deserve someone that'll take care of me,
That will treat me amazingly,
That will be with me.

He says that i'm incredibly sexy,
and he can barely keep his his hands to himself.

YES!
Wait- what?

This is what i've wanted, right?
an attractive man that wants to take care of me,
treasure me [so to speak],
love my body,
love me?

So naturally, i ask myself,
why am I even bothering with... "HIM"
He hasn't shown me any sort of signs that he wants to be with me,
The only thing i've ever seen is future schedualing poblems.

It's jsut when i'm with him..
nothing exists.
It's just him and just me.
It's the most amazing feeling i've ever felt..
and i'm not ready to give that up quite yet.
I'll let him make the decision.

I hope he chooses the best choice.

In my mind, there's a deafining sound.
Matty B.

20 Things I Am Grateful For, Today

My job.
My new apartment.
A hot shower.
A warm bed.
A welcoming embrace.
Freezepop
Tasha, Glen, CJ, and Eric.
Sex and The City.
My new pack of smokes.
My mom.
My grandma.
My brothers.
The sun rising in the morning, while i sip on a Quad-Shot NonFat White Pepperment Mocha.
Hard work.
New warm socks.
Eyeliner.
Your smile.
Miranda's cynisim.
Tasha's Kisses.
Glen's Love.

You.

These flashing lights come from everywhere-"
Matty B.