Coture Candy Store

I wipe away the tears from my eyes.
I open them slowly,
only to have the mornign sun come rushing in.
I squint, to sheild myself,
and two large tears roll down the side of my face.
Pressing my hand against my forehead,
I search my mind for last night's dream.

I've found that over the past few weeks,
i've been waking up with small wet spots sitting on my pillow.
Apparently, I've been crying in my sleep.

Things have been very trying for me, recently.
I feel that there is this.. unavoidable.
This feeling of.. exasperation is not only unsettling,
but absoutely exhausting.

Let's be honest.
I'm emotionally, physically, and financially empty.
I have to pay my deposit tomorrow.
[but i get my keys!]

I'm just waiting to hold those cold keys in my warm hands;
Open my door for the first time,
Inhale the first breath of new paint smell,
Be the first one to use my newly installed sink,
Sit in my window, and suck down my first cigarette..

Everything has been so out of control with me lately,
And I just need some stability.

Step One: Group.
Step Two: Job.
Step Three: A Home.
Step Four: My Holiday Romance.

Step One:
Down Pat.
I've been going everyday.
Two days down,
57 to go.

Step Two:
My hours were cut.
Let's be honest.
I'm not working very much,
and I'm not making enough money to live.
[GOAL:]
I'm going to get another job.
I have to.
I want to.
...But not until i settle into my new place.

Step Three:
I pay my deposit tomorrow,
And I pay my rent on monday.
Fingers crossed that i can pull my shit together.

Step Four:
This one has been the hardest, I think.
I just wish that he's come online,
so that we could talk.
Even if for only a few mintues.

I've had about four guys come knock at my door,
all wanting to aplly for the Holiday Romance position,
[that's not to sound cocky AT ALL]
It's just that,
in normal circumstances,
i'd jump on it. [punny!]

I just know that He has pure intentions.
Or maybe i just want to think he does.
Either way,
all i know,
is that i need to stop thinking and talking about it,
because everyone is SO over it.
"You sure do write a lot about something that hasn't happened"
Heh.

Maybe i'll try out one of my suitors.
Doubtful.

Same bat time, same bat channel
Matty B.

You Got It, You Got It Bad.

I just got off the phone with him.
"After you move into your new place,
we'll work something out."

It's trying.
I know that he wants to spend time with me.
And lord knows i want to spend time with him.
We enjoy eachother's company,
so where's the problem?

It shouldn't be this hard.
It's just..
whenever i hear his voice,
see his face..

it's like home.
Trapped By Time
Matty B.

We Held Hands.

MattyIsBangin: Big D is a very busy man.
BigCityLittleD****: LOL.
BigCityLittleD****: Kinda.
MattyIsBangin: Oh.
MattyIsBangin: Dang.
MattyIsBangin: :[


Huh.
Funny Sucks how things work out sometimes.

It sucks when you conform. Then it doesn't work. I guess a whore can't changer her spots.

Matty B.

If Heaven And Hell Could Decide, That They Were Both Satisfied..

Things are hard.
I've found that recently my life has become very complicated,
and very stressful.
My body has started to shut down,
and i can feel sickness plague my body.
I spent the entirety of the dat lying in bed,
completely awake,
sorting things out.

I feel doubtful.
I hate it.
I want to have faith in something.
I want that something to be you.

I've been waiting over a month.
How long would you like me to wait?

I don't think people understand.
Matty B. doesn't wait.
I go, go, go, go, go!

I hop job to job,
boy to bay,
party to party,
club to club,
i don't wait.

I suppose that's because i haven't found a worthy reason to.
Until you.

Please think about what's important.
I don't mind.
The best things are worth waiting for.
Although I am practicing patience,
I can't do it forever.

I know it's scary.
I do.
I'll be here.
And with a smile on my face,
I'll follow you into the dark
Matty B.

OPI-YUM!

I met the most yummy and delicious girl EVER!
I'm sitting with Eric at Satrbucks,
and while we're talking about Burberry,
and I noticed this lil cutie kinda listening to our conversation.
I thought that she was irritated that we were talking so loudly,
while she was doing homework.

After noticing her green Burberry scarf,
I mention it,
and well all start talking.
hours fly by,
and she invites Eric and I over for some drinks.
So we drink.

And we made plans.
Awesome.

You know you love me.
Matty B.

The Only Little Boy In New York

I've been busting my ass up and down this house.
And i am STILL not done.
This whole moving process has been so hard.
Ohysically and emotionally draining.

Eric is coming over tomorrow morning,
at like 7am,
and i'm makin ghim sleep next to me.
I've been missing that warm body next to me.

I feel foolish.
I'm exhausted.
it's almost midnight.
..yet i'm staying awake
because I want him to come online?
Who am I?
This is fucking ridiculous.
I don't do this.
I don't swoon over boys.
I feel so childish,
and i'm kind of upset with myself that i'm acting so freely.

I feel..
veunerable.
Not that shallow veunerable,
the "Strip-me-down-and-expose-me-to-a-world-of-window-shoppers" veunerable.
It makes me uncomfortable,
and other than a brief chat that we had,
he hasn't really given me that..
that sign of faith, you know?

I have now where this is going.
I knwo where I want it to go,
but i kinda feel liek i'm the only one out there taking a chance, you know?
I mean, if you look at his profile and his X's profile,
they have matching pictures of them.

I don't know.
Take a small breath.
light a cigarette.
I've made my move.
now [please] make one of your own.

I'm drivin' 95, and i've tried a little more lately
Matty B.

I Can Do What He Can Do [SO MUCH BETTER]

I feel torn.
Part of me wants to dive in head first.
Full on, rip off my clothes,
complete submersion; plunge.

It's irks me a little,
because I am so impatient.
Let's be honest kids,
I want what I want,
when I want!
However, that is the lesson of growing up.
Patience.
Waiting.
[this that and the other thing].
I guess all great things are worth the wait?

I think my problem is,
is that i need to get out.
go drink,
have fun!
laugh.scream.yell.jump.blastmusic.smile.
It just sucks,
because I want to do all those things with him.

Arg.
Listening to Ain't No Other Man,
by the amazing Xtina Aguilera prolly isn't helping.
God damn fucking 17 year-old hormones.

I.CAN'T.BELIEVE.THAT.AMANDA.WAS.VOTED.OFF.ANTM!

You got what I want boy, and I want it.
Matty B.

"Good Fortune Is Coming To You."

I feel like i'm in a lull.
I'm sitting in the middle of the living room,
eating chinese food.

The silence is head-pounding.
I look around the empty house,
and mirror images of our history are laughing,
dancing,
crying,
smoking,
drinking,
eating BBQ chicken,
watching Project Runway,
making home made popcorn,
hugging,
throwing underwear at eachother.

How upsetting.
Straight up now tell me, do you really want love?
Matty B.

The Break Up Box

I have been packing and cleaning all day.
I finally come to my room,
and EVERYTHING is packed,
except for one drawer.
I haven't opened it in almost 4 months.

I approach it with caution,
slide it open,
and immidiatly i can smell your scent.
i pull out the drawer,
lay it in my lap,
and begin my quest.

At first i thought it was going to be bad.
For reals.
The first thing I saw was a small note,
written on a "Scribble Pad For Little Episcopalians" reading:

"Been tryin' to get a hold of you all morning.
Finally stopped by but you were not here.
I love you and I miss you. Call me later.
:P
♥
-B"

As I skim the first line,
Anna Nalick starts to sing "Forever Love".
I flip the page over,
as if there's more,
and smile to myself.

I am so appreciative that someone could teach me how to love, like that.
For a long time I was so scared that Love wasn't an emotion I could feel.

Hello.
My.Name.Is.Matty.
I.Am.Human.Today.

Thank.You.
2am and i'm still awake writing a song-"
Matty B.

si un bellissimo ragazzo

He left me with that.
<>

My translator tells me it means:
"A Beautifulist Boy"

Broken english?
Who fucking cares.
It's the most beautiful thing that's been said to me,
in a LONG time.

It's just one of those nights
Matty B.

si un bellissimo ragazzo

He left me with that.
<>

My translator tells me it means:
"A Beautifulist Boy"

Broken english?
Who fucking cares.
It's the most beautiful thing that's been said to me,
in a LONG time.

It's just one of those nights
Matty B.

I'm Focused. I Want This. In This Case, I'm Patient.
[i want everything he's got]

I want him.
It's been decided.
Just Stop Me.
It's Not Easy.
Can't Keep a Lion From Huntin'.

I want his gentle touch on my cheek.
I want his soft kiss on the small of my back.
I want his playful bite on the inside of my thigh.
I want his hot breath on the nape of my neck.
I want strong arms wrapped around my body.
I want his warm body pressed up against me.
Most of all,
I want his genuine heart to beat the same tune as mine.

I know I'll get all this,
If I can master patience.

You must not know about me, you must not know about me..
Matty B.

TITANIC

I've been sitting here for 3 hours.

And I've never felt like my life has ever been more vapid.
G'uhahw.

I wish my holdiay romance was lying next to me.
In due time.

Have you seen my blue diamond?
Matty B.

What Comes First? The Relationship Or The Sex?

I've found myself lying in bed,
Sitting on the bus,
Or lounging around my house,
wondering to myself,
today's VERY prevelant question:
What comes first? The relationship or the sex?

I was flipping through my old scrapbook
while i was cleaning and packing,
and a bunch of old photo's fell out.
I picked them up,
and it's snapshots of my friends laughing,
funny faces,
bad make-up accidents,
and old boyfriends and I.

Here I am,
sitting there at the ripe-old age of 17
[almost 18]
looking at pictures of me 3, 4, 5 years ago
cuddling with boyfriends,
kissing,
hugging,
basically, my life was the epitamy of a gay PG-13 movie.
(puberty fat, acne, and all).
Although my virginity was lost at such a young age,
I found that through my middle school/highschool years
were very G rated,
and innocent.

However,
once i moved out of my mother's house
[summer before junior year]
i was a little more permiscuous.
I wasn't a slut, mind you,
but i was having [safe] fun,
and experimenting with my newfound freedom.

With Mr.OZ,
It was the first time in a year that I went slowly,
[I mean, we waited for about a month before having sex,
and he was a virgin, which was refreshing.]
and it was by far the most successful relationship.

In my most recent..er... "romance",
the second time i saw him
i was drunk,
and we fooled around.

WAIT!
I'm not complaining or doubting anything.
I'm just analizing past relationship patterns.

It was amazing.
It IS amazing.
Whenever I'm with him,
it tops the previous visit.
He is so genuine,
caring and thoughtful.
I don't think i've smiled so much on account of somebody else,
in my ENTIRE life.
And it's.. again, refeshing.

However,
I can't help thinking to myself:
Am i setting myself up for failure?
I haven't had a sucessful relationship with someone when it started with sex.
There's more to me than that,
and sometimes [because of my own self-consiousness],
I think that i'm SO interested with this fantastic guy,
that i'm trying to keep him around with sex.
[i mean, i dont want him to get bored, right?]
Don't get me wrong,
i can't keep my hands off him,
as much as he has his on me,
but what would put the cherry on top,
is if we had that "trust".
because then i would know it's bigger than that.

I know i over analize.
But the results that came back,
is that this is good.
I can feel it.
My Holiday Romance has arrived,
and he's a choir major.

You know you love me. Heh, it's true.
Matty B.

First Class, Up In The Sky

I just returned from the Airport.
While I was waiting for my friend's daughter to land,
I found myself sipping on an Orangina,
in the back of the Smoker's Lounge.

A man at the next table
[also alone]
strikes up a conversation with me.
He's a film producer in LA,
and hs been for the past two years.
He recently flew up to meet his parents that live in the Springs.
He grew up in Texas,
and hates L.A.
He spends $1700 a month on a two bedroom in West Hollywood.

He was very intrigued to hear that i was visiting my grandfather,
It had been two years since i had seen him,
because I was so busy at Parsons Design School in Paris.
After winning an art competition,
i decided to use the money to visit my family over break.

Huh.
I wonder if his story is as true clever as mine.

Have you ever noticed?
Matty B.

I dig It.

I lie my body down on your soft bed.
Not a second passes by,
and your body is hovering above mine,
your hot breath tingling my lower lip.
Our eyes lock,
your body descends,
and the pressure of your body against mine
triggers me.
Gives me the signal to go.
your hand traces my frame,
and your lips attach themselves to mine.
your slide your arm underneath me,
I grab onto you,
and flip you on your back.
Mild surprise flashes in your eyes,
i grab the back of your neck,
and kiss you with everything I've got.
Your nails dig into my back,
and you can still feel the slight burn of my bite on your neck,
while i slowly drag my tongue down your chest,
over your stomach,
and past your belly button.
Your body tenses up,
and i know you're close,
so i pull away,
and you toss me back up on the bed.
you're on my again,
looking at me face to face,
condensation accumulating on your brow.
my legs wrapped around you,
your stomach pressed firmly against mine,
our bodies lubricated with anticipation and sweat.
The grin on your face tells me you like it.
The gasp in your breath tells me you want it.
The touch of your tongue tells me i'm close.
The rhasp in your voice tells me you're ready.
The look in your eye tells me i'm desired.

One more touch,
one more grasp,
one more minute,
and together, we're gone.

I open my moist eyes,
to see you looking at me:
a sparkle in your eyes; admiring.
a small smile appears on my face,
and you lean in and kiss me.
You wrap your arms around me,
and i'm lost in bliss.

You know you love me.
Matty B.

Ditto

It's been rough naming this man i keep blogging about.
He has so many different qualities,
that i can't seem to pin a "perfect" name for him.

I've wanted to call him [the new]Mr.Perfect
but that's jumping the gun.
I still dont know a lot about him.
He's still very close with his X.
Emotionally attached, if you will
(they're still besfriends)

So until I can find a name,
he will remaind nameless.

He left a few hours ago.
On thursday night he came and picked me up from my house.
He met my brother, who had stopped by,
and we proceeded to his house.
the next day around 3pm,
we peeled away from his bedroom,
went and got sushi,
then returned to his house.
he drove me home around 10pm,
and then returned at about 1am this morning.

Heh.
o_O

You really are my ecstacy
Matty B.

Look At You. Check You Out.

I came home from a long, busy day of work
to find that my roommates had moved out..
COMPLETLY.
I knew that they were moving today,
but i left a house full of life,
and came home to a gutted carcass.
the only thing left was my bedroom,
and a magazine and a cigarette butt in my toilet.

Bye.
Bone to pick.
Matty B.

Look At You. Check You Out.

I came home from a long, busy day of work
to find that my roommates had moved out..
COMPLETLY.
I knew that they were moving today,
but i left a house full of life,
and came home to a gutted carcass.
the only thing left was my bedroom,
and a magazine and a cigarette butt in my toilet.

Bye.
Bone to pick.
Matty B.

Sometimes I Give Into Sadness, Sometimes I Don't

The sun wasn't even awake.
My eyes barely open,
my mind stubbornly dormant,
I stumble out of my apartment,
and start the treck to the dreaded bus stop.
It's a beautiful morning.
Still dusk,
The air is crisp and clean in my chest.
i wrap my sweater around me tighter,
and thumb my iPod in my pocket,
Fefe Dobson fueling each exhausting step.
The song comes to an end,
and suddenly the Veronicas are raging about personal revolution,
turning over a new leaf,
and starting a new [mind blowing] relationship.
I smile to myself
and realize that, that's what i have.
I'm starting new.
ALL NEW.

I have a new job.
I have a new apartment.
I have new friends.
I have a new "main squeeze".

As i bound up the stairs leading to the pedestrian bridge,
Christina Aguilera wails into my ear,
and as the creamy orange sun dribbles over the horizion,
i can feel my heart smile.
Almost instantly,
i find myself with the biggest grin on my face,
and energy in each step.
I find my body moving to the music,
my soul rejoicing with each beat,
and my mood sky rockets.
it's 5:41am and i am dancing to the bus stop on the pedestrian bridge.
The bus flies by,
but i don't fret,
because my life is amazing.
I spend the next half hour wondering how my life managed to fall together, so.
I finally decide that it doesn't matter.
because it did.
and god damn it,
it feels amazing.

Ain't no otha man, but you
Matty B.