Who Cares About the Young Folks?
I decided to start attending the Art Institute for two reasons: One, they offered EXACTLY what I wanted to get a degree in. Two, they said after I turned 18, they would be able to offer me loans and grants that would, not only pay for school, but would also help with living expenses as well as supply costs. To say the least, I’ve been anticipating my birthday because I could FINALLY stop working 70 hour weeks at two different jobs. I could relax a little, and focus 110% on school.
School is very important to me, especially if I’m paying for it. Because I moved out when I was 15 I spent two years of high school trying to balance jobs and school, and it ultimately drove me to dropping out, because of how exhausting it is. I swore to myself that when I went to college, it would be different. I would finally be able to do be a “normal” student, who had the opportunity to dedicate himself to his degree.
My financial aid officer let me know today, that that wasn’t going to happen.
A week after applying for a number of loans, grant, and scholarships, the department head of the financial aid office sat me down, and we had a little discussion. Not only had I been denied ALL loans that I had applied for, for living expenses, but because I don’t have a co-signer, I was denied ALL loans period. Including ones that would cover tuition. For me, school costs $8,223.00 a semester. That doesn’t include supplies or lab fees. Just 6 classes a quarter, once a week. That’s $18,000.00 a year.
I can’t afford that.
This had been the 8th time I went to financial aid, looking for help. Isn’t that their job? After speaking to everyone and their mother, I still had no answers, and nowhere to turn. After speaking to the head of the department, my spirits were low. She asked me why I was attending the most expensive school in the state, if I had no money. I replied, it’s because I am so passionate about art, I will do almost anything to stay. She studied me for a moment, as I grabbed my things and stormed out of the office.
I’m the first person in my family to go to college, and now I know why. I called my mother in tears. She said that perhaps I should look into other schools. It’s early enough in my schooling, where if I were to transfer, I could just cut my losses with AI, and start over fresh. She says I should aim for the new year, and apply for spring semester.
Maybe she’s right. I’ve noticed a trend recently with myself: When something looks really good, I get excited about it. When something sounds really good, I take action. When something turns out to be amazing, I dedicate myself to it. However, when shit hits the fan, and things aren’t quite what they seem, I start to doubt myself. Then when the problems are too great, I get overwhelmed, and run away.
Just like men. Whenever I’m in a relationship, I feel trapped, and I don’t know what to do. So I break it off. Happened with Roby, and it’ll happen again.
They say anything worth having, you have to work for. Well, when do you know if you’re working at something that will never happen?
I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I definitely look forward to my admissions meeting at CU Denver.
Matty B.
Showing posts with label Family Matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Matters. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Perfect Day
I finally had my first full night’s rest, since moving into my new apartment. There was a cool summer breeze that kept me huddled under my new duvet cover all night, My 1,000 thread count Egyptian Cotton Sheets were comfortably broken in, and I was exhausted from working my ass off on the set of a fashion shoot all day.
10:51am. I was scheduled to work in 9 minutes. Knowing that the next bus would be coming at 11:36am, I took a deep breath, called a co-worker to notify her that I was going to be an hour late. Even though my morning was off to a rocky start, I was determined to set it back on track.
I slipped off my clothes, and slinked into the shower. I started my morning with a start: First with an invigorating body scrub from my work, followed by a small bowl of granola, finishing with a quick flatiron of my hair, and a cigarette. I swiped a banana off the counter to take for lunch, and headed out.
As I finished my second cigarette, the bus pulled up ten minutes late. But not before splashing a huge puddle of black gunk onto my new shoes. I frowned for a moment, brushed my hair from my face carelessly, tapped them off on the side of the bus and smiled at the bus driver, while I paid my fare.
I hopped off the bus, and started walking across the parking lot, towards the mall. As I crossed at the pedestrian cross walk, this crazed woman with fried white hair and an expression that resembled a cat’s asshole, screeched to a stop, less than a foot from my leg. I ignored her clear inability to drive, and kept walking to work.
Work was less than amusing, however I was working with my favorite co-worker, Asuka [Oss-kuh]. Then, I received a text message from Derek. He said he was in the area, and that he wanted to stop by and see me at work. This was an interesting situation, because not only was I not very attracted to him, but I had never met him before, and had only spoken with him very briefly a few times. However, my day was pretty boring, so I figured this would add an interesting turn in events. …And it did.
Although he was more attractive in person, he had nothing of value to say. His mouth was like a leaky tap that would not stop making useless noise. He was my ideal build: Big chest, strong arms, a bit of a beer gut; basically they body of a gorilla. However, it did not make up for the bad teeth, religious tattoos all over his body, and lack of cranial activity. We politely parted ways, he told me to call him when I got off work, and I told him I would.
Like the gentleman I am, I call him after I get off. I figure, although I’m not particularly attracted to him as far as dating goes; I haven’t been laid in quite some time, and he looked like he would at least be somewhat decent in bed.
He didn’t answer.
When I text him, he responds,” Sorry dude. I’m just not attracted to you.”
I pause for a moment, and re-read what he wrote. I text him back asking exactly he wasn’t attracted to. He responds,” I just like guys that are shorter than me, and you lip ring is a huge turn off.”
Those are two bits of information you could have gotten off of my profile on connexion. So not only was he an unattractive moron, but to add insult to injury, he was an unattractive moron who didn’t want to sleep with me. That is SO my life.
I walk to the bus stop, and start the ride home. I talk to my brother, and he tells me that if he doesn’t get this job in Chicago, he’ll be immediately moving to China, where he’ll teach ESL. He figures he won’t be back for five years or so. Apparently it’s expensive to fly back and visit.
I sit on my bus, with my head hung low. BFF Eric and BFF Steven were at Eric’s house in Broomfeild, while BFF Nic, was at Mary’s pregaming before a concert. I headed home, spirits and mood, low.
As I started my shower, I heard “California Dreamin’” by the Mama’s and the Papa’s. I smiled to myself and remembered that while I don’t always get to choose the circumstances of my life, I get to choose how I deal with them.
I wish the best to my brother.
And I can only look hopeful towards to future.
Because sometimes you need to deal with it alone.
Matty B.
I finally had my first full night’s rest, since moving into my new apartment. There was a cool summer breeze that kept me huddled under my new duvet cover all night, My 1,000 thread count Egyptian Cotton Sheets were comfortably broken in, and I was exhausted from working my ass off on the set of a fashion shoot all day.
10:51am. I was scheduled to work in 9 minutes. Knowing that the next bus would be coming at 11:36am, I took a deep breath, called a co-worker to notify her that I was going to be an hour late. Even though my morning was off to a rocky start, I was determined to set it back on track.
I slipped off my clothes, and slinked into the shower. I started my morning with a start: First with an invigorating body scrub from my work, followed by a small bowl of granola, finishing with a quick flatiron of my hair, and a cigarette. I swiped a banana off the counter to take for lunch, and headed out.
As I finished my second cigarette, the bus pulled up ten minutes late. But not before splashing a huge puddle of black gunk onto my new shoes. I frowned for a moment, brushed my hair from my face carelessly, tapped them off on the side of the bus and smiled at the bus driver, while I paid my fare.
I hopped off the bus, and started walking across the parking lot, towards the mall. As I crossed at the pedestrian cross walk, this crazed woman with fried white hair and an expression that resembled a cat’s asshole, screeched to a stop, less than a foot from my leg. I ignored her clear inability to drive, and kept walking to work.
Work was less than amusing, however I was working with my favorite co-worker, Asuka [Oss-kuh]. Then, I received a text message from Derek. He said he was in the area, and that he wanted to stop by and see me at work. This was an interesting situation, because not only was I not very attracted to him, but I had never met him before, and had only spoken with him very briefly a few times. However, my day was pretty boring, so I figured this would add an interesting turn in events. …And it did.
Although he was more attractive in person, he had nothing of value to say. His mouth was like a leaky tap that would not stop making useless noise. He was my ideal build: Big chest, strong arms, a bit of a beer gut; basically they body of a gorilla. However, it did not make up for the bad teeth, religious tattoos all over his body, and lack of cranial activity. We politely parted ways, he told me to call him when I got off work, and I told him I would.
Like the gentleman I am, I call him after I get off. I figure, although I’m not particularly attracted to him as far as dating goes; I haven’t been laid in quite some time, and he looked like he would at least be somewhat decent in bed.
He didn’t answer.
When I text him, he responds,” Sorry dude. I’m just not attracted to you.”
I pause for a moment, and re-read what he wrote. I text him back asking exactly he wasn’t attracted to. He responds,” I just like guys that are shorter than me, and you lip ring is a huge turn off.”
Those are two bits of information you could have gotten off of my profile on connexion. So not only was he an unattractive moron, but to add insult to injury, he was an unattractive moron who didn’t want to sleep with me. That is SO my life.
I walk to the bus stop, and start the ride home. I talk to my brother, and he tells me that if he doesn’t get this job in Chicago, he’ll be immediately moving to China, where he’ll teach ESL. He figures he won’t be back for five years or so. Apparently it’s expensive to fly back and visit.
I sit on my bus, with my head hung low. BFF Eric and BFF Steven were at Eric’s house in Broomfeild, while BFF Nic, was at Mary’s pregaming before a concert. I headed home, spirits and mood, low.
As I started my shower, I heard “California Dreamin’” by the Mama’s and the Papa’s. I smiled to myself and remembered that while I don’t always get to choose the circumstances of my life, I get to choose how I deal with them.
I wish the best to my brother.
And I can only look hopeful towards to future.
Because sometimes you need to deal with it alone.
Matty B.
Monday, August 06, 2007
That’s The Way We Get By
He told me today that he’s leaving. He’s going to road trip to Chicago, and he doesn’t think he’s going to come back.
I held the phone close to my head, and I dazed out in disbelief. I asked him when he was leaving. He replied,” Tomorrow. …I’m not going to be here for your birthday.” I closed my eyes, and hung up the phone without another word.
When I was 15, had no friends, and was forced to live in his mother’s abusive home, he was there. When I spent the entire day at a school with people that shared a mutual hatred with me, he would come pick me up and tell me it would all be okay. When I couldn’t deal with the world, we’d hide from his mother in the shed out in the back yard, and smoke chronic out of a makeshift bong made out of Styrofoam cups.
When I moved to Denver, and didn’t have a friend in the world, he would drive out to stay with me, to let me know that I wasn’t completely alone.
I shared a bed with my little brother until I was 13, and a room with him until I moved out. For two years, I haven’t had the rejuvenating sleep that I would get from sharing a bedroom. When I moved out, my older brother stepped up, and filled the void that my little brother had left.
When it’s your family, I don’t think you’re allowed to call it an unhealthy co-dependency. When you’re family, it’s called a bond.
While getting clean, he would talk me through long nights. Even if for only a minute, the fact that he was the one person in the world that I knew would answer his phone and talk to me... no matter what happened.
Over the past few months, I haven’t been as available to see him as much as I’d like. With going to school full time, and working two jobs, it’s been tasking. However, we’ve always kept touch. So when he called me and told me he wasn’t coming back, I was absolutely devastated. I still am.
It’s one of those tasking situations that life likes to throw at you, right when you think things are going to be all right. I’ve really prided myself on being emotionally independent for the past few years, and it’s been made very apparent to me how dependant I actually am.
I couldn’t hold the tears in, as “Family” off the Dreamgirls OST started up. It felt I was loosing a leg. It felt like I was loosing a part of me.
My mom says that he’ll run out of money, and will be knocking on my front door begging for a shower and some food in no time. The problem is, is what if he doesn’t come back? What if something happens? He’s not the most responsible man. Almost 21, he’s not even finished with his second year in college, and lives in his van. I love him regardless of his personal decisions. However, I don’t think he’s thought this through completely.
I shower off my emotions, and I step onto the dry carpet. Refreshed and new, I feel empowered. Maybe I don’t need him as much as I thought. You know what? If he wants to run off to Chicago, and never come back, let him.
I put on my face, and flatiron my hair. With every deep breath, I feel myself calm. It’s not like he’s never done this before. I ran away to Mongolia for three months, last summer, missing my birthday. He does this all the time. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. I love him, but if I don’t let him make his own choices and mistakes, then how is he going to learn?
Good Riddence.
Matty B.
He told me today that he’s leaving. He’s going to road trip to Chicago, and he doesn’t think he’s going to come back.
I held the phone close to my head, and I dazed out in disbelief. I asked him when he was leaving. He replied,” Tomorrow. …I’m not going to be here for your birthday.” I closed my eyes, and hung up the phone without another word.
When I was 15, had no friends, and was forced to live in his mother’s abusive home, he was there. When I spent the entire day at a school with people that shared a mutual hatred with me, he would come pick me up and tell me it would all be okay. When I couldn’t deal with the world, we’d hide from his mother in the shed out in the back yard, and smoke chronic out of a makeshift bong made out of Styrofoam cups.
When I moved to Denver, and didn’t have a friend in the world, he would drive out to stay with me, to let me know that I wasn’t completely alone.
I shared a bed with my little brother until I was 13, and a room with him until I moved out. For two years, I haven’t had the rejuvenating sleep that I would get from sharing a bedroom. When I moved out, my older brother stepped up, and filled the void that my little brother had left.
When it’s your family, I don’t think you’re allowed to call it an unhealthy co-dependency. When you’re family, it’s called a bond.
While getting clean, he would talk me through long nights. Even if for only a minute, the fact that he was the one person in the world that I knew would answer his phone and talk to me... no matter what happened.
Over the past few months, I haven’t been as available to see him as much as I’d like. With going to school full time, and working two jobs, it’s been tasking. However, we’ve always kept touch. So when he called me and told me he wasn’t coming back, I was absolutely devastated. I still am.
It’s one of those tasking situations that life likes to throw at you, right when you think things are going to be all right. I’ve really prided myself on being emotionally independent for the past few years, and it’s been made very apparent to me how dependant I actually am.
I couldn’t hold the tears in, as “Family” off the Dreamgirls OST started up. It felt I was loosing a leg. It felt like I was loosing a part of me.
My mom says that he’ll run out of money, and will be knocking on my front door begging for a shower and some food in no time. The problem is, is what if he doesn’t come back? What if something happens? He’s not the most responsible man. Almost 21, he’s not even finished with his second year in college, and lives in his van. I love him regardless of his personal decisions. However, I don’t think he’s thought this through completely.
I shower off my emotions, and I step onto the dry carpet. Refreshed and new, I feel empowered. Maybe I don’t need him as much as I thought. You know what? If he wants to run off to Chicago, and never come back, let him.
I put on my face, and flatiron my hair. With every deep breath, I feel myself calm. It’s not like he’s never done this before. I ran away to Mongolia for three months, last summer, missing my birthday. He does this all the time. I don’t know why I’m so surprised. I love him, but if I don’t let him make his own choices and mistakes, then how is he going to learn?
Good Riddence.
Matty B.
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