“Don’t Want to See the Sunrise. I Don’t Want To See The Sun-“
It was early. I stood behind him with my arms draped around his naked body, as we looked out the window, watching the world slowly illuminate. The room was cold, but our bodies were comfortable while we were touching. I kissed the back of his neck where five freckles danced like stars littered across the sky. I could feel his happiness, if for only those moments, in the morning light, in our private sanctuary. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was an honest happiness, or just a result of a beautiful night with a beautiful man, who told me I was beautiful.
He turned to me with his hands resting around my hips, kissed me, and walked to the bathroom. I grabbed a clean pair of briefs out of my overnight bag, and silently slipped them on. I didn’t want to leave, but I was unsure of his intentions. I had ample opportunity to ask him while we lay in his bed looking, talking, touching, loving, all night, but I was scared of what I might have heard. I don’t understand what love exactly is, but I think that it could be described by brief, pure moments of happiness. …and I wasn’t going to spoil that morning with questions.
After a veggie bagel, a coke, and a very lazy afternoon with him and his roommate, I decided that I was going to leave him, so that I could go home and sort out the affairs that I had blissfully neglected, while I was with him. As I drove home, my iPod shuffled the most appropriate music that reflected the things that were going through my head. Kylie Minogue cooed to me through my speakers, asking me what I really wanted. What was I looking for?
As I swooped and glided through town, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I have been dating a various pool of men over the past few months, whom all had wonderful (and terrible) traits to them. However, I found myself letting go and drifting apart from them, when I didn’t feel the heat that I needed.
I was talking to Kraig, a boy that I thought I was interested in a few months ago, and told him that I needed something more from him, that he couldn’t give me. I have plenty of friends. I need a best friend, and then some. Someone who I can be completely honest with, who will love me for it, not judge me. I want to be able to do the same for someone else. I want be spoken to with kindness, and respect. Not man handled and treated like some tweaker twink at Tracks. When I’m touched, I want to feel what they’re feeling. I want to physically and emotionally experience them, without having to read their connexion profile.
I haven’t called someone my boyfriend for a very long time, because they always get some sort of ridicule or are joked at because they date me. Everyone knows about the JJ catastrophy. How could anyone forget? And then of course there is the David situation. What a nightmare. I really loved being with both of these men, but because of my thin skin (back then) to the social pressure of their friends, our wonderful relationships crashed and burned. It’s always something: I’m too young, I live to far away, I dated a friend (or friends) of theirs, I dance too much and don’t have enough time… Christ on the cross, I have felt like the world was working against me when it comes to men. That’s why it’s been so long since I’ve dared to call anyone my boyfriend. I don’t like what comes with that label. It’s too much to handle, and frankly it’s a death sentence for any of my relationships.
It was early. I was lying with my eyes open, not thinking, unblinking. His arms were around me, safe, warm, lost in dream. His shallow breathing on my chest gently tickled my skin, but not enough for me to squirm. After he drove me home, I kissed him goodbye, as I collected my things. As I unlocked and opened my door, I turned at the last second to see if he had left. He was still sitting there, watching me, waiting for me to go in. I hid my blushing behind a smile and a wave, and hopped into the house. As I walked up the stairs, I heard him pull away, music gently drifting away.
I don’t know what I want from him, or any man. But if I could have a few more moments like that in my life, I would sure be happy. If only for those moments.
Matty Beautiful
