“You Can’t Text Message Break Up!”
“Lets Party” and “I want to see you,” were the last two messages I received from him. I invited him out to the club on Thursday, as well as to Chelsea and my “Pirates and Thieves” party last night. He wasn’t able to attend either. I wasn’t surprised however, because he is always telling me that he’s super busy all the time and he never seems to be able to tear himself away from his grueling lifestyle of smoking weed all day and drinking all night. Finding time where both of our schedules are in sync is such a rarity, that when we do get to see each other, it’s that much better.
I first started talking to John on myspace a few months ago, when he left me a comment on a picture I had taken after the Jeffree Star concert. “I’d hit that” was his opening line, to what quickly became a new flame… or so I thought.
Normally, I wouldn’t have thought twice about someone that who’s first words to me were a shameless sexual innuendo, especially if that person was bisexual. Bisexual men in my life have all proven that they are habitually promiscuous, and usually lead end in heart break. However, I give everyone a blank slate, and after reading over his myspace profile and seeing what he was all about, my snap judgment was compromised. His profile read that a girl broke his heart, and now he was looking for someone that made him happy. He’s a huge fan of indi and electro pop, loves the Millionaires, and proclaims love isn’t something you see, but something you feel. Hook, line, and sinker, I was sold.
I visited him in the hospital in the middle of the night, because he was sick with kidney stones, and was all alone. I had been invited to a party that night where many of my very good friends were celebrating someone’s birthday or some sort of shenanigans to that degree. Despite the disappointed text messages and three drunken voicemails, I hopped in my jeep, and drove over to Avista Medical Center, to visit this “wonderful” boy in need.
We watched Family Guy, and talked about music for hours. Sometime after midnight the nurse came in to give him his pain medications. After she left, he invited me to come over to his bed, and lie with him. An hour later, I kissed him goodbye, and let him get some sleep. I headed home, where I went to bed (at two am), thinking about what a wonderful boy he was.
We talked almost every day since, which I found to be a breath of fresh air. Since high school, I haven’t been able to talk to someone that I was interested in, without them being total smarms; trying to get me drunk, or high, with the goal of getting laid. John’s capability for conversation almost immediately surpassed what I initially thought of him. In a matter of days my perception of who I thought he was going to be, completely changed. He was kind, funny, and smart… he seemed to be completely different than how he appeared, which to me was very attractive.
I went over to his house, expecting to only hang out with him for a few hours and then be on my way, because I had to go open the salon the next morning at 9am. However, talking led to kissing, which led to spooning, which led to massaging, which led me to staying the night.
He was lying on me, looking down, and running his hands through my hair. All I could do was smile, because being with this boy made me so happy. I looked into his dark brown eyes, and I just had to grin. I touched his scruffy cheek, and slid my hand behind his head, and kissed him gently. He has full lips, with three piercings on the bottom, which were warm and smooth to the touch. I rolled him on his side, and traced his chest with my finger. I leaned up, kissed him again, and looked him directly into his eyes.
“You make me really happy,” I said to him. Naked. Honest.
“I’m really glad you’re here. You’re beautiful,” He replied.
I smiled, and rested on my back. He looked down at me and kissed me again.
“What was that for?” I asked him.
“I don’t know. Every time you smile, I just have to kiss you.”
I studied him for a moment, but couldn’t help but to smile, when I found nothing wrong with this genuinely perfect moment. He kissed me again harder, and I closed my eyes. I can’t wait for this to become something. This boy makes me so happy. I know I’ve found something great, I thought to myself, as he slid his hand down my lower back, and I bit his lower lip.
A week or so later (last night), we finally found time to see each other. Unfortunately my Pirates and Thieves party wasn’t appealing enough, and he ended up spending the night with his best friend Britt, who just came back into town. I completely understood, because I know how it is to have strong friendships, and thought nothing of it. Until we talked on AIM this morning.
DymitriStarr: I’m fuckin bored.
MattyBeautiful: I just got to work. What did you end up doing last night?
DymitriStarr: Fuckin my girl and goin to bed
MattyBeautiful: Ha.
DymitriStarr: I’m gonna go fuck her again… ttyl
MattyBeautiful: Oh.
-a few moments later-
MattyBeautiful: Thank you by the way.
DymitriStarr: for what?
MattyBeautiful: For the night we had. It reminded me that I can still feel like that. I don’t ever want to talk to you again.
I couldn’t believe what he said to me. I couldn’t believe that I had felt so... honest towards someone that would act like that. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Why do I keep subjecting myself to people that continuously treat me like I’m worthless? Like I’m a piece of ass? I spend a great deal of time trying to screen people that want to hurt me. I haven’t been in a relationship for so long, because I am so paranoid that some boy is going to come into my life, and I am going to have to go through the same excruciating pain that I barely recovered from, over two years ago. It’s ruined friendships, like the one between Jeff and I. I just think that the world is out to get me, because people like John put on this façade and convince me that I’m just being over protective of myself, and then laugh in my face when I start to let someone in.
All I can do is try to learn from it. But what is the lesson? To not let people in, and live in this huge fortress of solitude? That’s no way live your life. How vapid would your life be if you blocked everyone out? I know from personal experience that it’s too hard and exhausting to always be suspicious of your friends and lovers. Life shouldn’t be like this: where people lie to you, just to lull you into a false sense of security, only to take advantage of you. “Look everyone! I bagged Matty B.eautiful!” This isn’t a game. I’m not a sport. These are my feelings… and to disregard that is not only disrespectful, but disappointing. I try to have great faith in people, and it just breaks my heart when a man is just that: a man. Stereotypical, untrustworthy, unfaithful, piece of worthless shit, man.
I’m really upset about this. All I can say is that its grueling to live life with a wall up… and it hurts too much to love everyone. I’m at a crossroads. How do you find happiness with anyone, when you’re not happy yourself? How can you trust others, when you can’t even trust yourself to make the right decision about which people to trust?
Fuck.
I’ll be honest though. It wasn’t all bad. He reminded me that I was alive, and could feel that giddy school girl crush feeling, again. If for only a few weeks, it felt good to think about someone a lot, and get excited to see them. I guess I have to look at the silver lining in these situations. However thin the lining may be.
Matty B.
