“You Really Are My Ecstasy”


This weekend was Global Dance Festival 2008 at Red Rocks. 10+ world renowned DJ’s spinning at the largest outdoor amphitheater in Colorado. Thousands of people dancing the night away, sweaty, buzzed, touching… it was the biggest Denver Underground Party of the year. Three years ago at Global Dance Festival 2005, I sat at my vanity, applying foam stars to my face, and a generous application of silver glitter to my body. I slid up my little pink shorts, zipped up my black platform go-go boots, adjusted my mesh half-shirt, fastened my mini plastic laser tag vest, and grabbed my alien laser gun. The theme was “out of this world”, and was thrilled to be dancing at my first GDF.


I met with the other go-go dancers earlier that week, so I could pick up my costume, and go over the set list, and negotiate who got to dance each set. How it works is that as the night progresses, more people show up, and better DJ’s start to spin. Usually, veteran dancers get the later sets, because you get more exposure to the crowd, the DJ’s, and most importantly, the media.


Since it was my first GDF, I was assigned to dance four sets earlier in the evening, for DJ Trajikk, Kostas, and Ty Tek. I was a little disappointed, because I had danced for all three of those DJ’s more than a couple times, because they were local headliners for local parties and raves. However, I figured I was lucky to be scouted to dance at GDF and that it was a honor to be there at all, so I smiled, grabbed my VIP passes (that had my set list laminated on the back), and headed home.


Dancer call was at 8pm the following Saturday. After being set up in the dressing rooms, we were given a tour of the stage and the floor by the production manager. The set up was extensive. They had dancer stations on two of the front speakers, as well as a small catwalk in front of the stage. Marked by colorful neon “X’s” was our placing on the stage, of where we were to dance. My color was neon blue.


For the next hour or so, we finished getting ready, and gossiped about the DJ’s and their skanky, slutty, money grubbing, drug addicted, gold digging, delightful girlfriends. My first set came in a blink. It was 10:01pm. I popped a pill in my mouth, and walked out onto the stage with my dance partner Grace, as Trajikk started to spin. The crowd screamed as we danced it tight robotic movements towards our specified colored “X’s” at each side of the cat walk. The lights went down, and we froze. In a flash our bodies slid and twisted to the music, thrashing to the dark industrial beats.


The night flew by. After I finished dancing my last set at midnight, I started to pull my things together in the dressing room. One of the senior dancers busted into the room, screaming and crying. I set down my makeup brush, and ran to her side. She pushed me away, as she raged about her boyfriend being a cheating pig. Suddenly Mike, the production manager, charged into the room.


“Hailey, you’re on right now. Get the fuck out on that stage or I swear”- He cut himself off when he saw her crying on the floor; makeup smeared, hair matted. “Enough is enough. I’m sick of your drama and theatrics. Matty Beautiful, it’s your time to shine.”


He ripped her VIP list off her neck, and handed it to me. “Her set list is on the back. You’re a “pink x” now. Go!” He ushered me out of the door, ignoring the hysterical girl sprawled out on the floor.


I ran to the stage, and flipped my VIP pass that was hanging around my neck. I looked at my watch: 12:20am. I looked down my set list to see which DJ I was dancing for. I stopped in my tracks. The DJ I was dancing for was Paul Okenfold. He was one of my favorite DJ’s, and I was going to be of his two primary dancers.


The lights went down as the music broke. I grabbed a bottle of Fiji water, and slinked onto the stage. I looked through the darkness, trying to find the pink “X” on the stage floor. Then I remembered… it was on top of the speaker stage left. I darted behind the DJ booth, and crept to the front of the stage, where there was a ladder leading to the top of the speaker. I took a deep breath, smiled, and climbed my way to fame.


The lights flashed as I stepped onto the speaker. The crowd roared. I was standing fifteen feet above the front row of screaming fans. In the very front were some guys who made fun of me in high school. I quickly looked away, and out towards the thousands of fans. The music started again. The speaker beneath me shook and vibrated, as music began to fill the theater. I looked to my left to the Tiger Lily, who was dancing on the speaker opposing mine. She looked at me questioningly, and I shrugged my shoulders, and made a crying motion. She rolled her eyes, and gave me thumbs up, and a wink. This was it.


As the progressive trance pumped out of the speaker beneath me, I pulled everything I’ve ever learned, every bit of energy I had, to show everyone what I had to offer. My set started to wind down, and the music became a bit softer. I looked down at the group of guys that I went to high school with. They were staring up at me, hands in the air, screaming “Matty Beautiful!” at the top of their lungs. I grinned, waved, and looked back, down the ladder. Statia was smiling at the bottom of the ladder, hodling a fresh bottle of water. I turned back to the audience, smiled and waved, then climbed down where the next dancer was waiting. My legs felt like jello, as I walked off stage.


Three hours later, I had danced for Paul Okenfold again, Junkie XL, and Diesel Boy. Three of my favorite DJ’s that I listened to religiously. After my last set, I was jogging off stage, when mike stopped me.


“You really rocked tonight, Beautiful”

“Oh! Uh thanks! I just love to dance.” I blushed as I replied.

“You look awesome out there. You’re truly talented.” He smiled. “I can’t wait to work with you again.”


He shook my hand and led me off the stage, where there was cold water and a makeup stain, from where Hailey had been crying on the floor, waiting for me in the dressing room. I stepped over her mess, and plopped myself into one of the padded parlor chairs sitting in front of the vanity.


I looked at myself in the mirror, knowingly. My thin frame, and gaunt features dusted with glitter looked back at me.


Beautiful, you made it. This is the acceptance, the fame, and the love that you’ve always dreamed of.


I popped another pill, and walked backstage, where Paul Okenfold was standing, drinking a sugar-free Red Bull. He turned to me and asked, “Are you Matty Beautiful? The guy that was dancing on my speakers tonight?”

I slowly turned to him, and quietly said “Yes.”

“I’ve never seen someone dance so hard. It was inspiring.”

“You’re one of my favorite DJ’s. How could I not dance my hardest?”

I got him to sign my pink booty shorts, and talked to him for a few minutes, before he was whisked away by some man in a suit.


I turned away and smiled, my chattering teeth clanking together fiercely. I trembled as I went to go collect my things, and leave through the back door. I called my friends to pull around and get me. All of a sudden, I needed to get out. I need to get home. I was light headed and over whelmed, when I ran into some people who saw me dancing on stage. They yelled my name, and wanted to get pictures, but I pushed past them, shaking from hunger, or all the drugs I had ingested in the past 12 hours, or both. I drank some more Fiji water, and lit up a cigarette, and ignoring the calls of my new fans, behind me.


I slipped into the back of my friend’s car, and said firmly, “Lets get out of here.” We sped away, leaving the bright lights, loud music, and my grasp on reality, behind.


I left that life behind a long time ago. Yesterday, instead of primping for GDF’08, I spent it having a few beers with some friends at Boulder Creek, cheering as people flipped out of their tubes as they went down the not so gentle rapids. I haven’t even thought about that life in a long time, and it’s such a wonderful change to be free from its shackles.


I’m a different person today. And I know it shows.


“Have you ever noticed, that I’m acting like I’ve never been before?”


Matty B.

“You Can’t Text Message Break Up!”

“Lets Party” and “I want to see you,” were the last two messages I received from him. I invited him out to the club on Thursday, as well as to Chelsea and my “Pirates and Thieves” party last night. He wasn’t able to attend either. I wasn’t surprised however, because he is always telling me that he’s super busy all the time and he never seems to be able to tear himself away from his grueling lifestyle of smoking weed all day and drinking all night. Finding time where both of our schedules are in sync is such a rarity, that when we do get to see each other, it’s that much better.

I first started talking to John on myspace a few months ago, when he left me a comment on a picture I had taken after the Jeffree Star concert. “I’d hit that” was his opening line, to what quickly became a new flame… or so I thought.

Normally, I wouldn’t have thought twice about someone that who’s first words to me were a shameless sexual innuendo, especially if that person was bisexual. Bisexual men in my life have all proven that they are habitually promiscuous, and usually lead end in heart break. However, I give everyone a blank slate, and after reading over his myspace profile and seeing what he was all about, my snap judgment was compromised. His profile read that a girl broke his heart, and now he was looking for someone that made him happy. He’s a huge fan of indi and electro pop, loves the Millionaires, and proclaims love isn’t something you see, but something you feel. Hook, line, and sinker, I was sold.

I visited him in the hospital in the middle of the night, because he was sick with kidney stones, and was all alone. I had been invited to a party that night where many of my very good friends were celebrating someone’s birthday or some sort of shenanigans to that degree. Despite the disappointed text messages and three drunken voicemails, I hopped in my jeep, and drove over to Avista Medical Center, to visit this “wonderful” boy in need.

We watched Family Guy, and talked about music for hours. Sometime after midnight the nurse came in to give him his pain medications. After she left, he invited me to come over to his bed, and lie with him. An hour later, I kissed him goodbye, and let him get some sleep. I headed home, where I went to bed (at two am), thinking about what a wonderful boy he was.

We talked almost every day since, which I found to be a breath of fresh air. Since high school, I haven’t been able to talk to someone that I was interested in, without them being total smarms; trying to get me drunk, or high, with the goal of getting laid. John’s capability for conversation almost immediately surpassed what I initially thought of him. In a matter of days my perception of who I thought he was going to be, completely changed. He was kind, funny, and smart… he seemed to be completely different than how he appeared, which to me was very attractive.

I went over to his house, expecting to only hang out with him for a few hours and then be on my way, because I had to go open the salon the next morning at 9am. However, talking led to kissing, which led to spooning, which led to massaging, which led me to staying the night.

He was lying on me, looking down, and running his hands through my hair. All I could do was smile, because being with this boy made me so happy. I looked into his dark brown eyes, and I just had to grin. I touched his scruffy cheek, and slid my hand behind his head, and kissed him gently. He has full lips, with three piercings on the bottom, which were warm and smooth to the touch. I rolled him on his side, and traced his chest with my finger. I leaned up, kissed him again, and looked him directly into his eyes.

“You make me really happy,” I said to him. Naked. Honest.
“I’m really glad you’re here. You’re beautiful,” He replied.

I smiled, and rested on my back. He looked down at me and kissed me again.

“What was that for?” I asked him.
“I don’t know. Every time you smile, I just have to kiss you.”

I studied him for a moment, but couldn’t help but to smile, when I found nothing wrong with this genuinely perfect moment. He kissed me again harder, and I closed my eyes. I can’t wait for this to become something. This boy makes me so happy. I know I’ve found something great, I thought to myself, as he slid his hand down my lower back, and I bit his lower lip.

A week or so later (last night), we finally found time to see each other. Unfortunately my Pirates and Thieves party wasn’t appealing enough, and he ended up spending the night with his best friend Britt, who just came back into town. I completely understood, because I know how it is to have strong friendships, and thought nothing of it. Until we talked on AIM this morning.

DymitriStarr: I’m fuckin bored.
MattyBeautiful: I just got to work. What did you end up doing last night?
DymitriStarr: Fuckin my girl and goin to bed
MattyBeautiful: Ha.
DymitriStarr: I’m gonna go fuck her again… ttyl
MattyBeautiful: Oh.

-a few moments later-

MattyBeautiful: Thank you by the way.
DymitriStarr: for what?
MattyBeautiful: For the night we had. It reminded me that I can still feel like that. I don’t ever want to talk to you again.

I couldn’t believe what he said to me. I couldn’t believe that I had felt so... honest towards someone that would act like that. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Why do I keep subjecting myself to people that continuously treat me like I’m worthless? Like I’m a piece of ass? I spend a great deal of time trying to screen people that want to hurt me. I haven’t been in a relationship for so long, because I am so paranoid that some boy is going to come into my life, and I am going to have to go through the same excruciating pain that I barely recovered from, over two years ago. It’s ruined friendships, like the one between Jeff and I. I just think that the world is out to get me, because people like John put on this façade and convince me that I’m just being over protective of myself, and then laugh in my face when I start to let someone in.

All I can do is try to learn from it. But what is the lesson? To not let people in, and live in this huge fortress of solitude? That’s no way live your life. How vapid would your life be if you blocked everyone out? I know from personal experience that it’s too hard and exhausting to always be suspicious of your friends and lovers. Life shouldn’t be like this: where people lie to you, just to lull you into a false sense of security, only to take advantage of you. “Look everyone! I bagged Matty B.eautiful!” This isn’t a game. I’m not a sport. These are my feelings… and to disregard that is not only disrespectful, but disappointing. I try to have great faith in people, and it just breaks my heart when a man is just that: a man. Stereotypical, untrustworthy, unfaithful, piece of worthless shit, man.

I’m really upset about this. All I can say is that its grueling to live life with a wall up… and it hurts too much to love everyone. I’m at a crossroads. How do you find happiness with anyone, when you’re not happy yourself? How can you trust others, when you can’t even trust yourself to make the right decision about which people to trust?

Fuck.

I’ll be honest though. It wasn’t all bad. He reminded me that I was alive, and could feel that giddy school girl crush feeling, again. If for only a few weeks, it felt good to think about someone a lot, and get excited to see them. I guess I have to look at the silver lining in these situations. However thin the lining may be.

“I wanna hold your hand…-“
Matty B.