All The Things That I Used to Know, Have Gone Out The Window
I recently met this wonderful woman, that was introduced to me as “Mama”. I sat there with my dear friend Jenny, and talked to this woman for hours. From the second I started talking to her, to the time I clicked my car door shut, she treated both of us as complete equals.
Mama is a 40 something bisexual marketing executive for a Denver newspaper agency, who has three+ children, a Jap-African bisexual boyfriend, and lives in a beautiful town home in Longmont. [they actually exist!] Every beer we drank, was matched by love war story. This woman has seen it all. She gave me advice with sexual, personal, and even business relationships. The best part is, is that she listened and took our advice as well.
Our main focus of the evening was the similarity of the relationship with her current boyfriend, and my disaster of a relationship with David. It was amazing how she was three times my age, and in the exact same predicament as I was. I could whip out some crayons and make a third grade “Venn Diagram” to accurately portray the similarities.
Both of our men were large and masculine. They both hated the sight of blood, and were beautiful singers. These men were both some of the best sex we’ve had, as well as the kindest, most sensitive, charismatic people we’d ever met. They both had just ended a very long term relationship, and were still moving on. Where we differed was that after we presented our very apparent affection for the other, Mama’s man embraced it, while David did not.
We must have talked for hours. I told her about how I packed a bottle of white wine [our favorite], some bre, and trekked out to Boulder via bus, during the biggest blizzard of the season. Even though he bailed on me, after pushing the goddamn bus out of a snow drift, traveling for 7 hours, and arriving to Boulder soaking wet, Mama just helped me realize how much I actually had to offer a man.
I debated with her for hours, explaining how I never did anything like that before, and it was completely uncharacteristic of me to have so much faith in someone. She only responded, that while it may be uncharacteristic, it’s still in me, and that I shouldn’t let go of that faith. I scrunched my nose, and sat back in my chair, still unsatisfied with her answer. She responded to the distain on my face with a smile, and a swift kick in the shin.
While I rubbed my shin, she explained to me that while I might feel bitter towards men right now, the fact that I could open up to someone like that, is amazing. And the fact that I actually still go on dates and even talk to men is just the first step to finding someone that will be able to appreciate what I have to offer. While I still had my reservations about men, it was nice to have an open conversation with someone about a subject I was still so sensitive about.
It’s unfortunate because recently, friends have actually turned out to be less than friends. It seems that I have to spare even my closest friends from “personal” talk, because no one knows what to say. The look of extreme discomfort settles over their face, and I immediately regret bringing my troubles up. It was just so refreshing to have an ADULT conversation with someone who very clearly knew what the hell they were talking about.
Sometimes, what you have to offer is terrifying to someone. Usually because they had no idea that you had it in you. I realize that I appear vapid and shallow, but people have to understand that there is always some sort of depth to an individual.
As I scroll through the gaytabase I look at all the beautiful shirtless men, flexing and smiling coyly. Do I change my behavior, accept that I appear void of character, and exploit my physical attributes? Or do I take another stab at finding someone worth while? I suppose that is still to be determined.
Matty B.