Turn It Up

I can’t stop thinking about him.
Every time he signs on AIM,
I want to send him a message.
Every time I see his picture in my top 20,
Every time I hear that song.

What a joke.
For one night only, one night only. That’s all I was to you
Matty B.

I Watched The News

The whole world cried.
But I was dry.
He left me by the riverside.
But I could not cry.

Planes crash,
Without warning,
Melodramatic
Tuesday morning.
I haven’t worn those pants,
Since I died.

This dead city came to life.
Funny what it takes
For people to treat each other
Right.

Lightrail riders,
Meeting eyes.
Colfax Street with all those
Missing, Signs.

It took
Four month
To get normal.
To go back to
Business as usual.

Two years
to sift through the rubble,
but one second
to go back in our defensive little bubble.


I’ve never been so young.
Matty B.

Waiting For The World To Change

I stand there.
In front of my bathroom mirror.
First layer goes on, shaky.
Tears well at the corners of my eyes.
I take some tissue,
And I soak up my nerves.
Jittery,
I apply the second layer.
No one will notice the bruising.
Minutes fly by.
I frantically apply the pale foundation:
Remember, to make it even,
I have to neutralize the dark, with light.
It hurts,
And I let out a sob.
I have work in ten minutes,
And I still have to find a long sleeved shirt.
It hurts to slide the thermal over my skin.
I wince,
And I bite my lip.
4 minutes to get to work.
I throw on my shoes,
Toss my earphones in,
And pretend.

You don't know a thing about me
Matty B.

I Don’t Need To Read Billy Shakespear

I saw a guy get shot, at Glo2.
So I turned around,
Popped a pill,
And danced some more.

Then, a friend of mine from highschool had a seizure,
And I was the only one that knew what to do.
I stuck my thumbs in her mouth,
And held her head steady,
Until she came out of it.
Then I took her home,
So that her parents could take her to the hospital.

I haven’t slept in two days.

I love sunshine.
Matty B.

How You Doin’ Young Lady? That Feelin’ That You’re Givin’ Me, Drives Me Crazy.

I am really excited for this weekend.
I’ll be seeing my new friends
MissTwin and MissMoney.
MissMoney is dating my Angel, and she’s fabulous.

MissTwin is the FABULOUS blonde, female version of me!
I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life.
Not even with Guatemala Bean.
And that is saying a LOT.

I am just so excited for life!
There’s nothing like a man worshiping your body, to get over someone…

Matty B.

Blood Sex and Booze

Dear Matty,

I see you everyday.. Every time that I’ve seen you lately, you’ve been haggard, unshaven, and unhappy. Every time you look at me, you cringe and frown. I see you stand on the scale, and cry.

However something has changed recently.
This morning when I saw you, you looked well rested, and had a grin on your face. Even your bed head wasn’t a horrible mop, as it usually is. When you got out of the shower, you ignored the scale, and blew out your hair with your round brush. I haven’t seen you do that in months! Especially not before work!

I have to give it to you, Kid. You are really improving. Your face has color to it now. Your eyes have that sparkle that they used to. Your hair has turned back into its’ lovely mane, instead of that nasty knotted mess it once was. Every so often I see your, now colorful lips, crack a smile.

I don’t know what you’ve been doing lately, but I think it’s been good for you.
I haven’t heard you cry or do a line, in some time!

Keep you head up, Kiddo.

Sometimes to see you’re biggest fear, you have to look in the mirror.
Matty B.

Who Says I Can’t Be Superman?

The second I put my foot on the pavement,
I knew it was going to be a good day.
The sun was bright,
And it was almost as if the heavens were smiling down at me.
I hopped off the old, weathered stoop,
And it groaned at me,
Bidding me farewell.
I smiled to myself,
And I strolled down the street.
I could smell spring.
And I felt my spirits lift.
I stepped around clear pools of water,
And stepped delicately down the fresh, clean street.
The melting snow just grabbed hold of all the filth,
And condemned it to the sewers,
Restoring a purity,
Back to the very old city.
A slight cool breeze grazes my face,
And I smile to myself
As I brush the hair out of my face.
Straighten my shirt,
And rock down the sidewalk.
Today is going to be a good day.

Head Strong.
Matty B.

If It Makes You Happy, It Can’t Be That Bad

Eric came over to my house at 3:30am this morning. He had a semi-blind date with this cute guy. I told Eric [along with all my friends] that they can come over at any time. So he did. He told me about how this boy was hung like a horse, blah blah. Point of the story: this new boy is besties with an old fling of mine, from when I was 14. I always remembered this fling [we’ll call him Mr.Protein] as gorgeous, handsome, artistically inclined, punk-rock, and impossibly late [ultimately why it ended]. So Eric tells me that they go over to Mr.Protein’s house fro a drink, followed by Eric fooling around with his new fling. [He of course told me all of this while we were lying in my bed, at almost 4am].

Eric, like Angel, are one of those friends that can come over at any time, and just crawl into bed with you. You know, just that person, it doesn’t matter when it is, you don’t get annoyed at all by them. You just lift up the covers, they crawl in, and you go to bed.

Nights like that, are followed by days like today.

NA was a flop.
Matty B.

Another Dumb Blonde

I had a semi-date last night.
It was with an old friend of mine,
And I figured that it couldn’t hurt for me to go out.
It was short and sweet;
I was just so incredibly annoyed with him.
Throughout the entire date,
I just sat there staring at him,
While he rambled and rambled.
I must have stirred my coke a thousand times.

"When you’re out there, without care, I must’a been outta touch-“
Matty B.

“Does Us Having Faith Make Any Sense?”

A friend of mine, Mr.Batman says that I am very jaded.
And it concerns him, because I’m so young.
I tell him that, yes I am.
And It’s not just because of what happened recently,
But because of life in general.
[what most recently happened just further proved my life theory.]
“Life sucks then you die.”

I am also hopeful about the future.
He says that that is a good thing,
And that he is, too.
He says that some things you hope for,
you have to work at.
..and sometimes that work has to be from the inside.

I agreed, then replied asking how much work is enough work,
And how long you should wait until you see progress before giving up.

It sucks hearing a friend tell you that you should work on yourself.
However, that couldn’t be that bad of a thing, right?
I mean, I hate being alone,
But maybe it’s the best thing for me right now.
Stick to hook-ups.
That’s what Mr. Politician does.
He seems to be happy enough.
Actually, he seems to be having a great time.
He’s always uppity .
Maybe I should look into that.

“You Play Games and Play Tricks-”
Matty B.

This Is The Good Ship Lifestyle

I feel like I’m spinning out of control.
I try to focus, but everything is twisted.
Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t know if I can trust you.
I don’t understand what you want from me.

I just called my mom and my grandma.
I think I am going to go visit them.
I really need to get away from everything.
I really need to do laundry.
As weird as this sounds,
I feel like I can start fresh,
When I have a clean living space.
It seems that my life has been pretty grey lately.
Between fighting whatever is trying to pull me under,
And trying to have a life,
Things just even out to be grey.

Even my sex life has been half-hazard.
I’ve been having the WORST sex of my life.
It’s been so boring,
I’ve been topping.
…

I just lie back,
And let ‘em ride.
It is so unfulfilling.

On A Raining Monday, I Still Feel You

I started getting sick last night.
My head is throbbing,
My teeth hurt [for some reason],
My stomach hurts,
My muscles hurt,
My throat is dry and raspy.

I mean, all on the following symptoms are probably my fault to begin with.
I haven’t been sleeping enough,
I think I’m brushing my teeth too hard,
I’m not eating [duh],
I’ve been working out every day,
And as for the throat?
Well, maybe I should sleep wearing clothes.

I went home,
And after hero’s was over,
I went to bed.
At 9pm, I was lying in my bed,
Staring up at the ceiling.
It was a very shallow sleep.

I can’t stop thinking.
I can’t stop.
WTF?

Why can’t you fade away? It’s pissin’ me off
Matty B.

If It Makes You Happy, Then Why The Hell Are You So Sad?

I spent 24 hours of my weekend drunk,
10 hours with a hang over,
and the other 14 hours sleeping.

It was freezing.
I sat on the cold, unwelcoming couch,
And watched the snow slowly cascade from the sky,
While I slowly smoked my menthol.
I thought it odd that there was a couch outside,
On the porch,
However, it was “the Hill”
And such should be expected in the heart of a college town.
My classic red party cup,
Now almost empty for the third time,
Was starting to ice over in my hand.
A 20-nothing hetero flies out of the party-worn house.
He’s yelling profanities about how someone drank all the beer;
Splashing the same beer from the cup he’s holding.
I just suck down my last drag of the cigarette,
Drop it in his cup,
And ignore the stunned look on his face,
While I walk back into the sorry excuse of a party.

It’s funny how I found myself there.
Surrounded by morons,
Who only get dumber
the more they drink.

I spent the entire weekend in a silent drunken stupor,
Drunken whirlwinds, only followed by earth shattering hangovers.
With every drink,
I could slowly forget about it all.
Every stab in my head,
Distracted me from the pit in my chest.

Men are such a joke.
Relationships are such a joke.
A friend of mine, Mr.Politician defiantly has is right:
You get in,
get what you need,
And get out.
Focus on your career,
Because you are ultimately the only person you can count on.

You heard it here first:
Matty B. is a bad betch! And he’s back!

I through with it, love, I’m finally through with it: love.

Rebound Already!

I have my first man tonight.

I'm hungry.
The only thing i'll be eating for the next few weeks, are men.
Matty B.

Only Time Will Tell

I don’t want to say that I will never write about Mr.MUSE again.
Because with my [unfortunate] luck, I probably will.
What we didn’t have ended today.
I sat on IM all day long,
Arguing and fighting.
He wouldn’t commit to me.
He says that he needs to focus on him.
And that if was going to be with anyone,
It would be me.
But it’s not.
He says he cares.
But not enough, apparently.
God what a joke.
Three months of my life wasted on someone who couldn’t give two shits.

People are funny sometimes.
I had a wonderful time at the club last night.
However for a moment,
I paused,
Looked around,
And all I wanted was to be with him.
I blew off the guys that were scopin’ me out,
I just hung out with friends,
And had a good time.

Little did I know that things were going to end with Mr.MUSE today.

This is my vow:
You are a fuck. That’s all you are to me.
I will fuck you, and that will be all.
No dates.
No kisses,
No cuddling.

No one deserves it.

Hello Bryant.

JACK won’t have shit on me![love you angel]
Matty B.

Fly Away

I get paid tomorrow.
I should be expecting around $700.
I'm going to pay rent,
so i don't have to worry about it.
That leaves me with $300.

Do you know how long it's been since i've had $300 free dollars?
I mean, I owe a couple people some money,
which i can pay them back on my next pay check,
but for now,
I have $300 to do with whatever I want.
It feels really good.
I've decided that every month or so,
i'm going to fly somewhere for the weekend.
I think in two weeks,
I'm going to go to Oklahoma City.
It's a cheap flight,
and my Ex Boyfriend is having a rough time.
Plus his friends are cute,
and he's wanted to take me to the Wreck room,
for quite sometime.
I would of course stay with him,
but i definatly think it wuld be a lot of fun.

I just need a break from everything.
From work,
from the emptiness of my apartment.
I just need to go out and have some fun, you know?
Maybe go somewhere where i can toss on a pair on shorts,
some sunglasses.

that would be nice.
I am broken, but i am hopin
Matty B.

I'm Just a Little Crushed

I’ve been thinking a lot, recently.
I’m 17 years old.
I should be a senior in high school,
With a car,
Back on the dance team and cheer squad.
I should be dancing for Ari,
And I should be working as a life guard, at LRC.
I should be dating Ben,
And I should be prom king this year.
I should be getting ready for state gymnastics competition.
I should be graduating;
Walking with my class.
I should be going to concerts with Jessica and Sarah.
I should be sneaking into hot tubs at my old apartments,
And sun tanning at Sunset Pool.
I should be making fun of the people that are working at Payless,
And getting free movie tickets from Lily at the Twin Peaks Movie Theater.
I should be rocking out to Christina Milian’s “Dip It Low”
With Shauni and Caitlin.
I should be happy.

So let it be, what it will be.
Matty B.

You Will Lighten Another’s Heart [Lucky Numbers: 2, 38, 42, 17, 30, 28]

My mind has been at a crossroads lately.
I lie there,
In my bed,
Thinking to myself;
Trying to sort out what exactly I want.
For months, I’ve been fretting over Mr.MUSE,
And the less that I talk to him,
The less I see him,
The less I feel him.
It’s interesting,
Because right now
I have the 100% assumption that I am not going to see him today.
And I’m not going to see him tomorrow, either.
It’s like, since this has been realized and accepted,
My mind is at ease.
Since I have absolutely no expectations,
There’s no way to feel let down.

My eyes are frozen open,
My movement robotic.
The sound of Eisley singing about their telescope eyes
Only remind me how vapid my life actually is.
I get out of bed at 8:15am.
I go to work.
I go home at 5:00 pm.
I remove my clothes,
And I lie in my bed,
Eyes frozen open.
Rinse, Repeat.

I can’t even being to try and self-diagnose.
I lie on my back,
Staring up at the ceiling fan,
The red, circular, shag rug
Feels soft against my bare skin.
The world feels like a standstill around me.
Seconds feel like hours.
Days feel endless.
I get off the floor,
And I peer into the mirror,
At my naked, body.
I meet my own stare,
And try to muster up an original thought.
But the same old bullshit is just circulating through my head.
I just..

I wish I had a friend.

Canned Heat

I spoke with my cousin today.
He’s 15 years old.
He sells guns and drugs.
Today, he told me that he made 25K last week,
And is buying an Ecscalade.

And I haven’t eaten today.
Me being successful, my ass.

Dance!
Matty B.

Miracle

Ten days away,
Everything should have changed,
But I’m home now,
And it’s the same.

I set down my emotional baggage,
And start to clean up the mess that I left, here.
I pull off my jacket,
Take off my shoes,
And I can’t shake
The thought of you.

I push through the curtain,
And I the empty room vapidly spins.
I sit on the bed,
And I feel my heart loose it’s grin.

Instantly, I’m outside.
Feet bare,
Feeling the cold wet snow beneath them.
I look to the sky
Open my arms wide,
Attempting to feel again.

Foiled.

Stains On My T-Shirt, Bruises On My Heart

It is the worst feeling telling somebody you care about,
That you want to be around,
That you are going to see other people.
Not date, just see.
If for anything,
Just the gratification that someone finds you attractive,
Wants to spend time with you;
Wants to take you out for a meal,
Some laughs.

I just miss that, you know?
Every time I check my email,
All it’s full of is guys that want to fuck me,
And do you know what I say to that?
Fuck them.
I’m over that stage of my life.

I am upset at how things are working out right now.
Everyone is upset that they think they are going to hurt me,
And the people that are hurting me,
Don’t even notice.
On top of that,
They want me to stop being around the only people that can get me to smile.
I mean, my heart couldn’t possibly break when it wasn’t whole to start with, right?
It’s just.. trying.

First mate? There is no first mate.
This is the good ship lifestyle.
All my men have jumped ship.
It’s the lonliest voyage I’ve ever been on.

That pretty much sums it up.

There is no you.
Matty B.

Straight Up Now Tell Me.

I've decided I really want to go on a date.
A full fledged,
I spend an hour in the shower,
Two hours picking out an outfit,
Too much time on my hair,
Nervous but curious,
Flirty and fun,
Honest to god,
Walk me to my door,
Soft touch of my cheek,
Date.

Something real.
I want to feel.
I want to be nervous
And I want to blush,
And get slightly embarrassed when I do something clumsy.
I want someone to notice the sparkle in my eye.
I need someone to give me a genuine smile,
That I will KNOW is right.

I want to walk down 16th St. Mall,
I want to scream in terror at a horror movie,
I want to laugh at the retarded ducks in the park,
I want to sit in the back of Starbucks and share a white peppermint mocha.
I want to be held.
I want to be seen as more than sex.
I want to go dancing.
I want to laugh and joke,
I want to be happy.

I want to feel alive again.

I can tell you've been crying, and you're needin' somebody to talk to
Matty B.

The Ten Day Dry Spell

Things have gone from complete chaos, to ready, steady routine.
I received my job at the Realty Company,
And I’ve been working there all week.
It has been absolutely wonderful.
I work as the executive assistant to the company,
And I love it.

I’m making good money,
I am distracted from my grey life,
Things with my family have been going well,
So I should be happy right?

The problem,
Is that although I have a killer job,
Fantastic co-workers,
And a decent amount of money coming in..
..I just don’t have anyone to share that with.
Not a boyfriend, or a male in general,
..not even friends.

I sit at home in my bright red briefs,
Watching Will and Grace re-runs,
While eating crackers and ice chips.
I have an itch,
And it’s not the now-dry face mask,
That I’ve been applying every night.

First,
There’s the itch for sex.
I’m not having it with anyone.
Although I am getting a lot
[and I mean a LOT]
Of offers,
I just feel that I’m over that part of my life.
I need something more.

Second, there’s companionship.
I don’t even have a steady person in my life for me to talk to..
Or even see.
It’s really quite grounding,
And after a long amount of time,
You start to see who your real friends are..
And who aren’t.

More importantly,
You see who cares.
It’s almost every night that I lie in my bed,
Eyes wide open;
Tears running down my expressionless face.

I haven’t sleep a full night in over a month.
The last time I remember sleeping through the night,
Was probably when Mr.MUSE came over..
..and that was many weeks ago,
If not a month.

Speaking of,
He gets back into town today.
He left for Florida to go to Disney Land with his family,
To figure things out.

I haven’t spoken to him in a week,
And part of me feels a sense of relief.
For months,
Everytime I talk to him,
It feels like the last.
I never know if he’s going to choose me,
Or a life alone.

It’s actually quite humiliating.
There’s a two choices:
Being with me,
Or being alone.
And he’s having a really hard time deciding.

Ha. What kind of person am I,
If he chooses to be alone?
How ridiculous would that be?
What, I’d tell my friends,
“How’s David? Oh he’s good.
He’d rather be alone writhing in his own misery,
Than spend time with me.”
Ha. That’s a party joke.

I am incredibly pessimistic,
And as result to all this distance,
It feels like the decision has already been made.

I suppose if he wants to end it,
I wouldn’t feel too much different than how I feel right now.
Alone.
Empty.
Sad.

I’ll just sit back relax,
I’ll just sit back and relapse.

Can't take the kid from the kid, take the fight from the kid
Matty B.

N'est Pas un Problem

It's 1:09am.
Blasting in my ear is French Big Band music.
I've never heard something so strange.
Suddenly the music changes to salsa.
I'm slightly thrown off gaurd,
and slightly irked that i can't listen to my own music.
The bathroom is orange.
I don't like using it,
because i don't have anywhere to rest my eyes,
except for the brick wall, behind the toilet.
It's so old and broken,
that there are holes.
I zip my jeans,
and i peer through the wall.
Outside, i see a large black man.
He's wearing a long, grey coat.
I see another man approach him.
He's small and sad.
and shoved deep into his pokets,
his breath steaming from his lips.
They stand there for a moment,
in silence.
they get close,
then they turn and go their seperate ways.
Huh.
I look into my reflection,
and my eyeliner is the thickest it's ever been in my life.
I look very scene;
i feel very scene.
i feel empty,
and my eyes reflect it.
I can't escape my vices, it seems.
i frown at myself,
and I go back to my seat,
and two boys sit across from me;
on a date.
after a few minutes,
one asks me,
"Are you Matty B.?"
"Uhm.. Yeah. Do we know eachother?"
"Oh no, but i know you from myspace."
"Well, nice to meet you."

Akward. my computer is almost out of battery.
So i will leave.
and now,
I will go home, alone.
and thank the lord that I am sober today.

[and that i'm alive.]

Matty B.

Vultures on a Carcass

I'm surrounded by men.
All of them eyes wide,
mouth open,
slightly drooling.
i feel exposed,
and while i'm being scammed on by all these men,
all i can think of is you.
i segrgate myself,
roll over,
wrap my arms around myself,
and remind myself of your smile.

Alone, but..?
Matty B.

Monster

I couldn't see you.
I was trying to peer around the pink elephant that seperated us.
You rock back in your chair;
I frown.
Leaning on my stomach,
I look into your eyes.
The pain and fear in your eyes,
meet the understanding in mine.
You turn away, embarassed.
I protest.
"-Hey...
Hey!"
You look up,
Pain in your eyes,
reflecting tears.
My heart sinks,
and I can feel my own emotions start to boil to the surface.
I reach out and hold out my hand.
A paralyzing moment passes,
Our eyes meet,
and you wrap your cold fingers around mine.
I close my eyes,
and I bring your hand to my lips.
I can feel your depression seep into me,
slowly,
like a sickness.
I squeeze my eyes tighter,
and grasp your hands harder.
You will feel my faith.
You move closer to me,
and now i'm the one with the tears in my eyes.
i wrap my arms around you,
one hand behind your head,
the other pressed firmly against your back.
your body is warm,
and your familliar scent gives me hope.
You drive me home.
i look into your eyes,
and your kiss is light,
but genuine.
i hug you hard;
akward;
but genuine.
I dream of a day when you could understand how much i care for you.

And it feels so strange... don't let it waste away.
Matty B.

Pessamism?

I've realized that as of today,
right this second,
I have nothing.

I don't have a job.
I'm not going to school.
I don't really have friends.
I don't have a man.
I don't have a car.
I don't have [very much] money.
I don't have any dreams.

Wow.
Now that i put that out there,
it's very real.
It's al little too real for me.
I don't want to deal with it right now.


...
Matty B.

The sky is upset.
I sit here,
in a seat thousands of other people have sat in,
wondering if things are every going to change.
I look out my window,
and all i can see,
are stresed out people,
living in a stressful world.
The sky is a torment of grey,
just waiting to seige it's wrath upon the unsuspecting "innocent" bystanders.
The term innocent is used loosly,
considering innocent is in the eye of the beholder.
My bus drives down the crowded outdoor mall,
and all I can see are homeless people being ignored,
while business class swarm in and out of the centralized Starbucks.
My bus picks up speed as it travels the well-worn path,
my own personal oregon trail.
From point A to point B,
everytime I take it,
I can't seem to grasp the memory of what's in between.
Today is even harder because of the world of grey that i'm surrounded in.
Industrial smokestacks penetrate the sky,
pumping thick, creamy, black smoke; invading.
The wind picks up in protest,
but it only blows around the little worker bees
and doesn't even phase the firm, relentless, stacks.
I look around my bus,
grey seats,
grey walls,
grey driver,
grey people,
and all I can do is frown at the fact that the world around me
is in an industrial slumber.
Every face is the same:
Long and sallow,
deep cheeks with baggy eyes.
It's almost like everyone is on the verge of tears,
but they can't let it out
because they are overcome by their corporate sedation.
One girl in the back manages a whimper,
but the old, wise woman next to her smacks her hand over her mouth;
silencing her instantly.
I peer out the window:
trying to see a glimpse of something better;
of something real,
but all i see are the same totem-poll faces
of the commutors in the cars surrounding me.
In the distance i see something.
Through the gently cascading grey snow,
i see a little red convertable.
Inside is a young man,
sporting big sunglasses,
with a matching matching grin.
I gasp,
because the top and windows are down,
and a scarf bellows behind him;
dancing in the wind.
He grins at me:
offering me a seat.
My bus and his car are racing side by side,
the driver glaring at his very apparent declaration of independance.
My face is pressed against the window, now.
I can feel the warmth of his hope consume me,
and i want to take the leap.
My fingers trace the lever to the emergency exit window.
i know that with one felt-push,
i could be free.
Leave everything behind,
start a new life,
eyes closed,
arms wide..
Then i realize.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not the boy I used to be;
I'm the man i never wanted to see.
So i sit back down in my seat,
I wave goodbye to the gentleman in red,
open up my compact,
and i re-apply my totem-pole face.

Open or closed, you're still a book.
Matty B.