Lately I feel that I'm the only one playing the game.
It really has been a game for me in the past,
and now that i'm getting good at it,
I feel that the other players are getting frusterated,
and throwing in the towel.
With old
they start a new round,
but they don't have the heart to finish it.
It's puzzling, because they know that once they get the ball rolling,
it just goes and goes and goes,
until it explodes into the inevitable wall of drama.
With boys,
I can't ever tell.
Some boys give me free drugs.
[but then never make a move]
Some boys offer me affection.
[then disguise their feelings/or lack of in words]
Some boys offer me friendship.
[then they lie to me, and don't cover their trails]
And finally some boys judge me.
[then spead lies about me]
What am I supposed to do about that?
It's confusing, because I have a general contentment in life, right now.
Or something that mimicks that.
So in this new state of mine,
I've become quite observant.
And it's hard,
because when i respond to people's words,
they become irate and angry,
because they don't like the truth that comes from my lips.
And when I respond with silence,
I'm screamed at because of the things i'm thinking.
Because apparently i'm silently judging.
That's not fair.
I've been through a lot recently.
Fuck i've been through a lot in my life,
and i'm so proud of the person I am today.
It's incredibly bothorsome when i'm constantly ridiculed
and hated because of things i'm not doing.
The words that aren't coming out of my mouth,
because of things that i'm apparently thinking.
Well fuck you.
I'm trying my goddamn best.
I'm working really hard,
and while i don't have much,
what i DO have matters.
it may not matter to you,
but goddamn it,
IT MATTERS TO ME.
So fuck you, haters.
Stop hating me,
just because today i was happier than you.
Just because today i didn't want to kill myself.
Just because today i did something good for me.
Just because today, i smiled.
And it made everyother day worth while.
thank you for respecting that.
Matty B.
