At Some Point, We're All Old Maids.
Insecurity has been a really big issue with me lately.
I've been doubting my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and even myself.
I just spent the past hour watching Sex and the City [Season 5, Episode 3],
The entire episode was about how it was nearly impossible for Carrie to get the four girls together for Charolette's birthday.
By the middle of the episode, the fab four find themselves in Atlantic City where Charolette is paranoid about her age, Miranda is Paranoid about her ass, and Samantha is paranoid about the faithfulness of her lover.
I, again, find myself in the position of Samantha.
I hear from Mr.OK that he's cheated on his X before.
Fantastic.
What is my rule for that sort of person?
Once a cheater... I think you know the rest.
So of course I sit and toil about it.
Unhealthy, of course [but when am i ever healthy?] but i still insist on doing it.
I trust him, don't get me wrong,
but for some strange reason, i still have douts in myself: not unlike Samantha.
So here's the question of the hour:
Why get myself so worked up over nothing?
I mean, i know him, i trust him, and he clearly cares about me.
Is it me that i doubting?
After this whole drama that i've been having with [he who will not be mentioned again in this blog] AGAIN,
I find myself very insecure..
And that leads me into becoming Miranda.
Unlike Miranda, i did not just have a baby.
So what's my excuse for this weight gain?
it's not considerable, but it definatly poses a threat to my personal views on my body.
My skin is NOT flawless,
My hair is greasy and a mess,
My weight has increased,
and my sex drive has plummeted.
[not to mention the fact that i am even MORE on edge with people lately]
WTF is going on with me?
I absolutly feel utterly lost.
Which leads me into Charolette.
I pictured myself being with [he who will not be mentioned again in this blog] for the rest of my life,
and yet i'm sending him emails about how alone he is?
I'm giving Mr.OK shit for being immature,
Yet i'm the one telling my X that he has no one to look to.
[weather it's true or not, i definatly should keep that shit to myself]
*sigh*
-About 5 Minutes Pass-
I can barely see, now.
My fingers are slittping all over the keyboards because i'm an absolute wreck.
I don't understand how something can get so complicated so fast.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm trying to fix EVERYONE and their mother's lives right now,
when it's mine that i need to be focusing on.
I've been drowning in other people problems and sorrows, because i don't even dare to think about facing mine.
-About 10 minutes Pass-
You hurt me a lot.
I don't think you can understand that.
I gave you everything that I had to offer,
and you turn me away.
Now, I offer you my friendship, and apparently you want nothing to do with that.
..Yet you're the one that can't keep it together?
No that i'm making steps to move on,
i see your face and an immense saddness overwhelms me, and i can barley stand.
Now i'm crying here in the corner,
and you couldn't give two shits about me.
What kind of person are you?
oh yeah, you arent.
-20 minutes pass-
So i've been sitting here typing for almost an hour.
my tears are dry,
my heart is cold.
my body is broken.
Baby, I'm trying my hardest to be the best person I can be for you.
I just want you to know that it's just going to take some time to heal.
Thank you for being here for me.
Matty B.
