"If it's an apartment you need, I'll help you find one for cheap.
If it's a job you need, I'll help you build your resume'.
If it's a hand to hold, I have two of them."

Mr.OK became very unsure of himself today.
There was a lot of talk of moving back home.
I won't lie, my heart sunk when i read the message,
but i kept my cool and walked him through what was going on,
and what he needed to do to make "living on your own" thing work.
What was that?
Oh yeah, that was the oh-so-familliar smell of doubt and panic.
so i just told him to do what i did,
except there's a difference.
I didn't have anyone,
and i made it very clear that he did.
Me.


Matty B. and Mr.OK after spending drunken hours in a hot tub.

The grass is always greener on the other side...
Matty B.

Let Him Feel No Pain!

I touched the earth today.
She missed me almost as much as i missed her.
Feeling her supple skin;
Slowly becoming embraced in her natural love.
I grabbed the sky and wrapped him around me;
Thinking of you.
The sun graced my face with warm kisses,
Oh so familliar,
Reminding me of your gentle touch.
Lying in the bliss of your arms,
The heavens opened up again;
This time to shed tears of joy upon my exposed body.
My skin gladly soaked in the compliments;
Desperatly trying to fill my broken soul.
The earth slowly grew up into my body,
And around my heart,
Pulling broken pieces together,
Bit by bit.
Stripping it from the built up pain,
Releasing the jaded hollowness,
That He so painfully burrowed.
When the pain of moving on crept in,
You held me tighter,
Telling me that you could fill the gap.
That the pain was only temporary,
Until I had room in my heart to allow him access.
I lied back,
Tears of trust building, then leaping from my face,
While you welcomed the heavens and yourself, into my soul.
You found it.
What was left of my soul,
You found.
And although the pain is still great,
Enough of it is gone, for you to make a home.
And although I don't have much to offer,
What you've mended is yours.
Even if it's in me.

Life On the Edge..
Matty B.

"I'm Glad You're Mine."

Things have really been looking up betweeen Mr.OK and I.
I met up with him on Pearl Street,
We then proceeded to run into people, make appearances, ETC.

I don't know about my feelings sometimes.
I don't know what to make of them.

What i do know, is that i might start taking Zoloft again.
Even out my moods a little bit.
..However it will deplete my sexual preformance.

Ugh.

I'm too young to take Viagra!
Matty B.

Building A House Out Of A Bomb That Bombed It Away.



You'll Nvere take a walk with me
Matty B.

Material Girl

Thanks to Nic I have stubled upon this little piece of OUTRAGE.

Remade and Ruined

As one that was born the exact same minute as Madonna.. I am APPALLED.
H.Duff, you should be ASHAMED!

Original, No DOUBT!
Matty B.

Lets Pretend We're Two People


From today, in the garden.

How Can Walk With Your Head Held High?
Matty B.

OK is More than Okay.

Last night he came over to my house.
We went to the grocery store,
then we went swimming..
then we checked our myspace.
then we just laid there and talked,
and talked.

and then..

...
Matty B.

I Touched The Earth Today.
It rained today.
I saw the heavens open up,
and weep a song of sorrow upon my face.
Slowly at first,
then thicker and harder it beat upon my skin.
with each dig of the shovel,
a new wave of purity cleansed my every regret.
I stopped for a moment to feel the cool smooth droplets run down my body;
surrounding me in an embrace of frozen acceptance.
I looked up at the sky for a sign,
as i began to dig once again.
the sharp jagged edge of the old wooden shovel,
dug into the side of my leg,
bringing me back to reality.
Blinding pain started to set in,
But before i had the chance to feel somthing,
the frozen tears from the sky
bore down onto the broken flesh,
and sealed my wound in a gentle hug.
i could feel the warm blood travel down my leg,
onto my foot,
and pool between my toes.
finally finished, i took off my sandals
and sat in the rain-soaked earth.
She kindly accepted my bare feet,
and they sunk slightly into the earth.
i could feel my empty soul light up with each second i sat on the ground.
the grasses caressed my wet, numb body,
and held it gently, reassuringly.
the rain persisted,
and i laid there,
tired and alone,
cold and sleek with water,
absorbing the earth.

I cried today.
because i knew that it was okay that i'm the only person who can love me.
because i knew that i was alone.
because...
i had finally come to terms with that.
and it felt good to feel bad.

There will be no white flag above my door... I'm in love, and always will be.

Matty B.

Oh If I Could Turn Back Time..

The past few days have been very interesting, to say the least.
One minute, i'm totally frusterated with Mr.Ok because he won't talk to me,
And the next, my soul is completely softened over,
Because he does the unthinkable: Talks to me.
I ask him a question,
he answers.

Lets have some honest hour.
He hasn't made a physical move on me, yet.
other than the a slight grab of my ass while we were making out, and i think that was accidental..

.. So i asked him about it.
I told him that if he just wanted to be friends, i would be okay with that
[Eventhough i SO wouldn't be]
because he hadn't really made a move.

..he responds [and i quote]," You think I don't like you, because I haven't tried to fuck you?"

I sheepishly smiled to myself... and responded,
"Yeah. I've never had someone not want to fuck me after the first date before."
[other than you know who, but he's been an acception to life. we don't talk about him]
"I usually have to beat them off" [appreciate the pun]

He just laughed, and asked me what he had to do to show me that he liked me.

I smiled today.
A REAL smile.



After talking more, he proceeded to tell me that he could see himself loving me [in the future].
..And I said that I would like that.

So here's the question:
Is Love Something That People Should Take A Chance On? Or Is It Better [safer] To Have Never Loved At All?

All i know, is that i'm taking this one slow.
See what gestures he makes,
See if he can make me fall in love with him.

This will be fun.
I'm excited for the future.

You'll Be In A Hurry, Hurry, HURRY! To Hear Me Say...
Matty B.

Will We Burn In Heaven?

Mr.Deja Vu: "I think that it would be best if we just stayed really good friends. I mean, that's what what you want anyways, right? Plus I'm going to be gone in a month."

Matty B.:" Uh.. Oh okay."

Hm.
Well there goes my "dating a few people" status.

Whatevs.
It was fun.

Everyone is waiting
Matty B.

Suddenly I See!

People are funny.
Mr. Ok is over at my house right now,
smoking a cigarette,
drinkin' a beer with his cousin (who went to highschool with my roommate),
and in the two hours that he's been here,
he hasn't even acknowleged that i was even present.
He didn't even say anything when i accidently tripped over him.. TWICE.

It's like I'm not even here.
What am I supposed to think?

Ugh.
Little examples such as this makes me loose faith in the homosexual male population.

Especially after he's been feeding me lines that he
"REALLY wants to see me."
or
"I Miss you SO much."

*scoff*

WTF?
Typical guy?
Sad.


~

But wait- there's more.
I get a text from him, while im downstairs talking to the Roommates,
asking me if i'm mad at him.
Hm.
Apparently he's "napping" on my bed upstairs.
Hm..
Guatemala Bean says that looks like an invitation.
What do i do?
I RSVP, and haul ass upstairs,
(while keeping my cool and suave)
And there he is, lying on my bed.
Hm...
So he just left my house, with his cousin and her life partner.
We were lying in my bed,
and i was holding him.
His cousin is coming up to get him,
and he whispers in my ear to pretend to be asleep.
So, I do.
I dunno.
The feeling of his cigarette-beer musky breath on the nappe of my neck..
He left 20 minutes ago,
and i can still feel his stubble on my neck,
his arms around my torso.

It's hard, because he's so sweet.
but then somtimes it's like i'm not even there.

What do I make of that?
I mean, i want to try to pursue something
(not a relationship, per-say)
but something...
deeper than making out.
It kinda feels like im in 7th grade again.

Do you like me?
Check Box:
[_] Yes
[_] No
[_]Maybe

Except it's a little bit deeper.
I think the note would look more like this:

Do you plan to pursue anything further with me? [Y/N]

Damn. Boys are complicated.

Will The Change Come While We're Waiting?
Matty B.

City Boy, Gonna Make You Cry
So i kicked it with Mr.DejaVu last night.
Apprently Miss.Moving didn't need me to work until this morning.

Point of the story,
We went to Berthoud,
and i DIRECTLY QUOTE,

"do you think about Mr.Ok when you're with me?"
Hm.

I won't lie.
I've been dating around.
I think after a rough break up,
i deserve a little bit of freedom to have some fun, to meet new people,
to be seen a little bit, you know?

(plus i never talked about exclusivity with EITHER of the guys i'm seeing, so i'm in the clear.)

But it's just interesting,
because i like both of them very much.
but they both offer me something that the other can't [or hasn't] produce.

Mr.DejaVu:
*intamate
*he tells me i'm beautiful
*He's very cute
*he trying to make me fall in love with him (and everyone knows i don't love anyone)
*he LOVES my body the way it is [which i think is a lie, but i'll try to gracefully take a ocmpliment]
*he took me to lunch
*he drove all the way out from longmont, to louisville, back to berthoud, then woke up at 7am to drive me to work. Hm.

Mr.OK (short for Oklahoma, BTW)
*Shares the same inside jokes as me.
*My friend's LOVE him
*He's funny
*He's GORGEOUS [even with short hair]
*He's very...genuine.
*I always want more.
*He came all the way out to Flatirons to see me, even when my break was only 15 mins.
* i like it when he touches me.

Here are three cons for each:
Mr.DejaVu: Moving to Greely in less than a month, [totally a bottom, weather he accepts it or not], and he bites me REALLY hard. Sad days.

Mr.OK: He doesn't really open up to me, we havn't really been intimate [however, we really haven't been in the setting to do anything like that], and he doesn't have a car. :(


I don't know.
I don't think i have to decide quite yet.
However, i think you'd know who i'd choose.

30 Days!
Matty B.

The Price Of Fame

8:02pm.
I notice that i'm being stared at.
By this little 12 year-old queer, and his little black gurl-frien'.
They sat there for 10 minutes whispering.
Akward.
I help a customer.
Then another.
Then another.
He starts walking toward me,
So naturally, being repulsed by his rolls of baby fat and trashy face,
I walk into the back.
Ha!
Boy was i wrong.
He had his friend ask a Co-Worker come get me.
My Co-Worker came into the back,
and asked if i knew them.
i said no, why
and he said," because they asked for you by name."
Gasp.
i told him to shoo him out of the store.
I mean, I don't have time to talk to every nobody wanna-be stalker, that walks in my path.
I thought the boy had left.
WRONG.
He was sitting outside of the store; prowling.
He LITERALLY leaped out and started screaming,
"You're sexy! Come talk to me! I just want to be your friend!"
Ew.

A friend of mine happened to be in the store,
and when she left,
he went and talked to her.
i believe his words were,
"I want to rape your friend."
Ew.

9:39pm
I finish mopping the floor; we've been closed for almost an hour.
I pick my life up off the ground,
and muster up SOME dignity,
while my MANAGER (Mr.DWP) is laughing his ass off,
then tells me i should "go for it".
Ew.

I start walking out to the parking lot,
when i see them.
The persistant little fuckers waited an hour after i got off to stalk me.
so i ran down a back stairwell,
and out to a different parking lot.

God, it's hard having people want to rape you at work.

You know you want me
Matty B.

Nobody Said It Was Easy

" In all honesty I have no idea what i want.
It just sucks because i've never given somone everything that i have to offer..
...well, except for [Unmentionable]
and he didn't even care.
And i've never been loved by someone.
...Ever.
And I'm just scared."

That was a little blurb i sent to Mr.DejaVu,
(while he's getting wasted in berthoud... Yum.)

It really makes me wonder about things.
Like, I honestly have never been loved by anyone before.
I have never had someone want to throw themselves in front of a train for me.
I mean,
that's not what i'm asking for by anymeans...
But it would definatly be nice to be with someone who doesn't just want to fuck me.
[however flattering that may be, it get's really old.. and it makes me feel like that's all i'm worth]

Eric said something yesterday that made me think [kidding or not]
He said," the only reason why [Mr. Deja Vu] liked me,
was because he doesn't know the real you."

Hm.

And then Miss Business says that i am always so mean,

And then people on my blog [and myspace] tell me i'm a bitch,
I'm fake.
It doesn't matter how hot i am on the outside,
because i am so ROTTEN and DEAD on the inside.

Hm..
Things like that really make you think, you know?
Like when someone calls me anorexic,
it freaks me out,
because i have a weight thing.
i used to be REALLY fat,
and i'm still not comfortable with my weight,
and it hurts. and SUCKS.
(but i bring it on myself, because i always joke about being anorexic.. or bring up weight)

Hm...
Sometimes i think that people who call me a bitch, and say that i'm mean and ugly.. I only see it as THEM being mean,
because i don't want to hear the truth.

So.
What do i do about it?
I mean, i think that i'm really nice.
I can tend to be a little selfish.
however, we all know what happens when i'm giving.
I get shot in the chest.

Hm....
I'm kind of enjoying being bitter bob.
But then again, no one wants to hang out with a "Debbie Downer."
Do i change?
Do i stay the same?
I have people who love me,
i have people who hate me.
i have people who love to hate me.

it's a dilemma


So i know that like three people read this, one of them being Miss Business [because i make her]
and Eric [because i guilt trip him into it]
But i guess this is more for my benefit. perhaps i can read this later, and learn from it.
or not.

No good deed goes unpunished- that's my new creed
Matty B.

My dreams... My Hopes. CRUSHED.



i expected so much more from you, Tila.

Tila Tila, Shake that ass like you REALLY mean it!
Matty B.

Attack Of The Weave!

So I've recently decided to get a new hair style.
i love it.

But everyone else hates it.
this of course makes me REALLY sad,
however i think it was just the cut i gave myself.
(i mean, i've never cut such long hair before)

so i think i am going to dye my hair black again.
then put in the black extensions
and put some blonde extensions in.

...I don't have enough extensions to put all blonde in.
Hm... but it keeps me from looking Emo?
because i'm NOT emo.

I'm scene.

OH BTW: Mr.DejaVu made a breif appearance last night.
and i can't stop smileing.

another OH BTW: Mr. OK hasn't been around.
and it makes me sad.

Sad Days, Happy Days.

If you're listenin' Whoa-oh oh oh oh oh....
Matty B.

Even Though The Stars Are Blind
So I'm talking fetishes with Mr.Deja Vu.
Hahahaha, he makes me laugh.

So I added some features to my hair.





The last one is my FAV.
But i think i look like a lezbian.

I have to go.
Miss Business is pacing arouns upstairs,
waiting for me to come to bed.
..and she's getting angry.

If you show me REAL love baby

Dare You To Move

Last night I found myself loitering on Pearl Street with Miss Business and Mr.OK doing absolutely nothing.
..and then my fanbase showed up.

I can comfortably say that i saw at LEAST 25 people that i knew in a matter of minutes. People were literally PUSHING their way to get over to me to give me a hug.
All in all, i was quite embarassed,
and think Mr.OK and Miss Business hated me a little bit.

So we walked.
Saw more people.

Took a step
Saw more people.

Lit up a cigarette,
Saw more people.

Inhaled,
Saw more people.

It took us about 25 minutes to get 2 blocks.
I felt like a spoiled bitch,
and for once, it didn't feel good.
ALL i wanted was to be alone with Mr.OK.
..Just for a second.
That's all i asked.

..and that's what I got.
(after i RUDELY ushered Miss Business away, apparently..)

So Mr.OK and I were laying in the grass,
looking up at the stars,
listening to the creek.

Just lying there.
Hm.

Then Eric came and picked us up,
and we drove Mr.OK home.

I'm curious as to why we really havn't progressed past making out.
but maybe he wants to take it slow?
I'm mean, we've had like 7 dates or so, and last night he [kinda] grabbed my ass while we were making out.
...but i think it was accidental because i'm SO tall.

So Eric and I went to longmont to meet up with a kid who's wanted to have coffee with me for a while... We'll call him Mr.Deja Vu.
That was great, he's asuch a great guy (and pocket sized!) But he REALLY made me laugh.

I dunno. i think it just adds to the chaos that is my life.

I love it.
[more ot come later... i'm going to go get my new phone]
She doesn't have the titties, she doesn't have that ass
Matty B.

Haters Are Gonna Hate, And Playas Are Gonna Play

So here I am laying in Miss Business' bed,
looking really cute,
And I read my blog,
And some RANDOM person calls me anorexic and skinny.

Wow. I really wish people would compliment me more often!

They aint got nothin' to do-o-o, wit me and you-o-o
Matty B.

One part lies, One part female, Two parts DRAMA

We ran into two people today, as they were leaving Sephora.
(i had just got off work, and we were on the way to re-apply our lipgloss and head to the car to go for a tan and swim at my pool)
We'll call these people Mr.EuroGay and Mr.PocketBitch.
So, Miss Business went to school with Mr.EuroGay and Mr.PocketBitch, and had befriended them a few years ago.
They both graduated, so she tried to keep contact with them.

Excited to see eachother, they exchanged hugs and kisses, while i just stood there looking disgusted at Mr.PocketBitch. (he's quite raunchy)
Naturally, to keep the meaningless banter going, i asked what they had purchased.
..and they said they had just bought birthday presents for a REALLY good friend of MissBusiness.

Of course that led to the talk of the party, theme, etc.. and Miss Business realized that she had not been invited.
Hm.
So we talk about it all the way home from the mall,
She's talking all quiet and mousy (which REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS, i might add)
wondering why no one likes her,
BLAH BLAH.
So i called her out on her shit.

I said you need to pull your shit together,
stop crying,
and talk to (we'll call her Miz JK) Miz JK and figure it out.
call her out on her shit,
and see what the fuck is going on!"

She just sits there,
pouting on the couch,
telling me to ignor that she's upset.

I already offered my condolences
I already offered my advice,
If you're not going to do anything about the sitch,
you have NO right to be upset, right?

..However i do note that it was REALLY fucked up of Miz Jk not to invite her
(or ME for that matter)

Whatever, They're Just Jealous That I'm Hot, And They're NOT.
Matty B.

Will I Loose My Dignity?

Love is a funny thing.
I'm not just talking about love for a partner, but love for your family.
I stood before the courts today, with all my ducks in a row.
Defiant, well rested, and ready.
I BREATHED victory.
...After the judge rejected my mother's [pathetic] attempt to relinquish her [own] parental rights,
And declared that living on my own was CLEARLY more beneficial than living with her,
It dawned on me.
I had won.
MONTHS of waiting,
MONTHS of pain,
MONTHS of anticipation,
MONTHS of anxiety,
MONTHS of depression..

...All were supposed to end that very day.
But after Judge Cole delcared to my mother [and the courtroom] that her excessive drug use in the past had led me to become the person i am today,
And watching my own mother cry after she had lost a battle she started..
It made me think.
It made me step outside of myself, and ponder.
But most of all it made me ANGRY.

How DARE she try to take away my moment of glory,
my moment of PURE SUCCESS
with her angish and her tears?!

How DARE she cry in front of all those people today,
and not even recognize the years of pain and suffering she's caused me.

How DARE she tell the courts she was working 3 jobs just so that she can support her family,
when SHE was the one doing meth, and shooting up heroine?!

Who the FUCK does she think she is to make me feel bad for HER,
When she knew i was STARVING myself because:
A.) She tells me I 'm fat, and
B.) I don't have any money
..And she refused to pay the child support that she was court ordered to.

Where's my tony, huh?
All I have to show for this relationship is the skin that is hanging off my bones,
and a decision that I am to never see my mother again.

It's funny how history repeats it's self.

... neither one of my uncles talk to my grandma, because she was such a terrible parent.
Uncle Chef hasn't talked to her in OVER a decade.
Uncle Military [Who's a dumb asshole] spoke to her for the first time in over 6 years.

Hm.
What I DO KNOW, is that when i'm redy to have children,
I'm going to love them,
and give them everything i have to offer,
and help them appreciate that.

Because i hear,
Sometimes..

Parents love their children.

Guess LOVE isn't a "Monahan" trait..
because from history, it's definatly not in out genes.

Will I Wake Tomorrow, From This Nightmare?

Don't Let The Land Slide Bring You Down.

I Woke Up Just Now.
The Dixie Chicks were preforming live in my bathroom,
and softly, they caressed me awake, while Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenowith warmed up for their live debut,
VIA my Shower.

So here I am,
And i have a really good feeling.
*knocks on wood*
I think that today will go well.

Hopefully, this will be my LAST court date,
with this custody battle with my mother.

God,
What A 3RD REICHT.

This is a Story of a Girl...
Matty B.

Cowboy, Take Me Away


That Pretty Much Sums It Up

♥

I said I want to touch the earth...

Matty B.

Like I Cut The Legs Off Of Whales; The Dinosaurs Into Lizards

So i took my first dance class at THE CORE, With ARI AUTTOBO today.
The hardest Hip-Hop class you can take there.

I danced so hard,
i felt vomitous.


...But it was like orgasming through my mind.
onto the dancefloor,
through my pores.

It was beautiful and amazing.

Can't wait until next week.
And If We Don't Behave...
Matty B.

You Can't Cover That With Make-Up

Let's have a little bit of a re-cap of last night's endevours:

Well call Mr.OK to see if he wants to hang out with us.
And he does.
...So we pick him up, and we inform him that we're going to go on a fear mission at a local cemetary.
I made an absolute fool of myself, because i was having the hardest time getting over this fence, because my feet were so big, my flip flops were gettinig caught in the bars.

So that cemetery was lame, so we all went back to my house to find some freaky things to go do.
We finally find this website about the LAFAYETTE CEMTARY and how some people recorded EVPS there.

Listen To The EVP's

So we all went.. with a few drinks, and some smokes.
End of the story?
Mr.OK and Miss Business are clinging both to my arms as if I COUDL POSSIBLY DO SOMETHING.
but it made me feel butch.

I was totally creeped out.

So we came home
(not before stopping at the Olde Louisville Cemetery)
and Miss Business Helped me clean for my Social Worker interview i had today at my house.
(which went VERY well)

But we go up to my room,
i make Miss. Business sleep in the guest room,
and i tell him how glad i was he came over.
He smiles,
and we cuddle all night long.

[___________________insert something clever here____________________}
Matty B.

Honest Hour

Matty B.: tell me something hoest about me, i can take it >:D
Mr.Anaconda: You have good hair.
Mr.Anaconda: And your tall.
Matty B: oh come on. :(
Mr.Anaconda: You are good with words, especially when you hate someone.

Do we have to put them down TOWN?!
Matty B.

Rewind, Repeat.

I went on another date with Mr.OK today.
..Eventhough i was still exhausted from last night's mid-night rendez-vous.

So, We met up a Luciles on Pearl Street.
It is the cutest little New Orleans/French Louisianian breakfast nook in the whole state.. Which is why i was surprised that he had been there before. Hm.
Well we met at noon,
And sat outside on the patio, and ate.
I had a beigniette, he had the 4 cheese omlette.
But he paid. Hm..

We had fantastic conversation while he finished his coke, and i finished my iced coffee (which we didn't have to pay for, because our incapable waitress kept forgetting about us, and apprently she felt bad.. however, we didn't feel bad about giving her a less than generous tip).

After we were finished, we mosied around Pearl Street, smoked, mosied, smoked, smoked, mosied, then laid in the grass in front of the court house; talking and laughing.

So i get a call from MissBillbong, telling me to visit her at..well.. Billabong. Plus, she really wanted to meet Mr.OK, after hearing so much about him.

So we walked, they were introduced (she wasn't wearing a bra) and we all laughed about it. It was overall, pretty good.

Then we went to North Boulder Park?
And what did we do?
Talked and laid in the grass.
To outside bystanders, this seems like mindless drug junkie behavior.
To us, it was pretty much fantastic.

Then something out of the ordinary happened.
He held my hand. Hm...

I kinda felt all giddy like.
..and it didn't even matter that i was ridiculously uncomfortable, in the position i was lying in.

So we go back to his place, and he kisses me goodbye,
(in a style Clarke Gabel would admire)
.. and the best part is,
is that it felt like he'd been wanting to do it for a while.
That there was a thought process..

I dunno.
I always overanalyze everything.

But i'll being seeing him again tonight, hopefully.
he said he'd call around 11.

If i could wrap it all up in one word it would be...


yay.

Tell Me A Fabel.
Matty B.

This is the place where you face your desires and fears

Tonight.
He kissed me.


Full on.


It was... unexplainable.

Every suite casts it's own spells...
Matty B.

BOUNDARIES
I'm Hating You, Lately.



My New Plastic Picture.
Learn it, love it, live it.

So my roommates are leaving to go to Hawaii.
I SO jealous.
Oh well, at least ill have th house to myself?
Perhaps I'll throw a party or something.

I'm SO excited to be kickin' it with Kate Moss tomorrow, after i make some money.
i figure, if my face is as numb as my heart,
I won't have to think about it, right?

I'm excited to see Mr. OK again.
We're going to go to Lucilles for a 12 noon, Breakfast rendez-vous.
He makes me laugh.
Oh yeah,
He's gorgeous.

I take my meals off mirrors
Matty B.

Who Can Say.. If I've Been Changed For The Better?

So I had it out with Mr.[Not So] Perfect today.
Apparently i'm an asshole, and the only thing i cause him, is greif.
FANTASTIC. :'(

So i think that this VERY post will be the last that we hear of Mr. [Not So] Perfect.
*leans back and thinks*

Times are shitty, but they can't get worse, right? *knocks on wood*

I think that right now would be a good time to write some good things that happened in the duration of our relationship..
* Valentines Day: at Spice China
* One month anniversary.
* Playing Strip Padiddle as one of our first dates
* Going to the Grizzley Rose, and shoving the fact that we were there in Courtney' face. [too bad she was right all along]
* Taking his virginity.
* After "Rave on the Hill" going over to his house, sneaking in, and sleeping in his room.. until like 5am, and then leaving before his parents got home.
* Giving him head on Moon Rock
* Sleeping in his arms on gradutaion.

I guess it wasn't all bad.
He might have broken my heart,
But i don't regret, i learn.

I just hav to remember,
I don't regret, i learn.
i don;t regret, i learn.
I don't regret, i Learn.

*pauses*

I think i'm better, now.
I think I've moved on.

Nope, that's not the feeling of me moving on, that the feeling of me not wanting to kill myself anymore.
Hm.

FIN
Matty B.

Picture The Scene.

Today was a vapid day.
I hadn't been home in days.
I was exhausted.
I was short and blunt.. on edge almost.

But i've been home for a while now,
things are settling down,
And I've put on my plastic face, and I'm ready to hit the bar.

Woot.


Me right before I got hit my a Ford Escort:


Me after a long monotonous day:


I didn't get to see Mr.OK today.
He sent me a message, explaining how bummed out he was that we couldn't kick it.
But he wants to get together tomorrow.

If i could feel things, I'd feel happy.

Two Of Hearts
Matty B.

CRAWL INTO THE SPEAKERS




This is how i felt this morning.
Tacky 1980's Electroclash, and ALL

Welcome to my life.


Turn Me On
Matty B.

You Say... There's No Place You'd Rather Be, When You're Lying Next To Me

I watched the hills have eyes tonight.
That FUCKED MY SHIT UP.
And then i spent all of my money on food and ciggs and crap.
Whatever, i'll just work some more... I mean, I do get paid on Friday.

~

So I'm thinking of getting extensions.
Hm...
I WANT them.

REAL BAD.
..I'll prolly go Platnum and Black.
Woot!

~

Finally,
I bought those pink breifs from American Apparel that i've been dying for.
They're a little snug,
but i can work it.

I Say, There's No Face I'd Rather See, When You'er Lying Next To Me.
Matty B.

You Make Me Nervous, Nervous, Nervous.

So i've been on two.. "dates" with Mr.OK, and things are definatly going good.
1.) He's totally gorgeous
2.) He's Not an asshole
3.) He's really nice
4.) He wants to know more about me... He actually asks me questions (like what i want to do with my life.)
5.) He wants to hang out with me. Which is reassuring.
6.) And he actually talks to me. Hm.. who would have thought that boys could do that.

I don't know. I get a very good feeling with him, despite his baggage with his X from hell. (there was a hair-chopping instance... We don't talk about it LOL) Overall, he impresses me. I mean, i figured after our first date (where i was VERY underdressed, wearing a Debbie Harry T and torn jeans with a studded belt) he wouldn't call me.
But..

He did.
and then after hanging out yesterday,
he messaged me.

I guess that younger people can surprise you.
I guess that there are other people my age, that have grown up a little, and my faith in "the gays" has been restored slightly.

But we'll have to see where this goes.
I'm not jumping the gun.
[Shiny Toy, or not ;) ]

Hella Hella Hella Nervous, Nervous, Nervous!
Matty B.

There Are Things That Suck, But That Makes The Good All That Much Better

After talking to Miss. Moving, it's been decided that love isn't a nessesity of life.
It's just a perk.

I think that i can honestly say that some of the best moments in my life have definatly been when I WASN'T in love.
Given, I've only been in love once, so the whole Love-Not in love factor are quite overwhelming in comparison. However, in the past year, before i had met Mr.[Not So] Perfect, I had come to terms with the fact that I was the only person that I could count on.
Which was comforting.
However, in the begining of my "loving" relationship, things were emotionally amazing, while when I was at peace with myself, my life was physically and professionally amazing.
They are two VERY different kinds of amazing, which is the kicker.
So, the question is:
Is it better to be in love, and appreciate the fact that you are in a place in your life to be dependant on someone physically and emotionally, or is it better to be in "love" with yourself, and live a life where you are comfortable to depend on no one but yourself?

This has been a question that i have been battling to form in my head for about 6 weeks now, and finally, now that it's down in internet history, i think i can start to answer that question.
I have been desperatly seeking answers and trying to solve the puzzle that is, Mr.[Not So]Perfect.

And I came to the realization:
He's a child.
I was in love with a child.
Here I was, independant financially, independant emotionally, free from all baggage (with the exception of my family, but i know PLEANTY of GROWN ADULTS who can carry around that baggage their entire lives, and live "happily), and loving my life. I was the icon of young adulthood.

Then I met an 18 going on 5 year-old boy.
Dependant on his family emotionally, financially, and had more than enough "baggage" for his tiny little 5 year-old arms to carry. He was a sad, depressed, child.

..And I didn't know that i was acting as an emotional pedophile.

So after developing this news, i think that i need to stop asking all these "adult questions":

"Why don't you want me anymore?"
"Was it because I gained weight?"
"Do i talk too much?"
"Am I not attractive enough?"

When in reality, children don't care about your weight, how you look, or whether or not you talk a lot.

The real problem was this:
He was being overwhelmed.
The only love he knew was the love from his parents.
... And when another boy loves you, and wants to spend his life by your side,
you naturally freak out.

The lack of sex doesn't bother him.
I don't think he enjoyed it anyways.
It was like... he was BORED or something.
..which usually is an ego killer.
However, in his case, it wasn't.
Nothing turned him on. Nothing. And even if somethign did, he wouldn't even make the slightest notion that he liked it. Only a few times did he enjoy something a lot, and that's when he pulled my mouth off his dick.
Hm.

So I emtionally raped a 5 year-old.
Congrats to me.
I've become an emotional pedophile.

But that's nothing in comparision to our Choir Teacher,
who is a REAL pedophile,
and is now [No Doubtedly] bottoming for Mr.[Not So]Perfect.
Who [both] have claimed to have feelings for eachother for quite sometime.
But that's another puzzle,
for another rainy day.

I guess the point of the story is..
I gave my heart to an emotional toddler.
What do toddlers do?

THEY BREAK SHIT.

Sherlock Got Laid, AGAIN
Matty B.

On A Mountain, This Morning.

Most people expect something, and then freak out when it's totall different.
At times, I can be one of those people.
But other times, I am happily surprized how they come out.

I was both those people tonight.

Act I: A Start of a New Era

I woke up at 9:30am.
Showered, left at 10:00am.
I was 15 minutes late for work, but made up for it by bringing Mr.DevilWearsPrada some raspberry iced tea.
He was pleased.
At noon, I found myself running around the mall bumping into people that I hate, that in return hate me.
So we hugged, kissed, and pretended that we would do lunch sometime.
After sucking down a ciggarette, and getting akward glances from "straight" men,
I hustle inside, and finish off my work day.
Mr.DWP was VERY pleased that i brought him another Iced Tea,
and that i had made my $400.00 goal of the day. (And then some)
Husteled home, grabbed some clothes,
and ran to Miss.Moving's to clean her car, for some insant money.
It was filthy. But a girls gotta do...
Dropped me off at Pearl where i visited a FABULOUS FRIEND at Billabong.

Act II : First Incounter
Mr.OK was 20 minutes late.
He looked like urban cowboy fierce.
(i noticed he wasn't wearing underwear)
I was WAY underdressed, and self consious about it for the rest of the night.
We ate at Hapa; I paid, because i felt it nessesary because i wanted him to try this sushi.
We then smoked and talked... He is an interesting character.
I learned that he has a LOT of emotional baggage.
Maybe he just needs a friend?
Maybe he just needs to get laid.
Hm.
Anyways, we ran into [more than a] couple of my old friends, that i used to go to school with/ dance with, back in the day.
I saw a weird look on his face.
Hm.
We continue to head towards the Trident, where one of my favorite teachers (Photo) was showing his work of and with local GLBTQ teens.
I thought that it would show a more.. tasteful side of me.
We made a 30 minute appearance, had some pictures taken of us, then left.
For the next 2 1/2 hours we just wandered Pearl, talked, laughed, got coffee, etc.
then it rained.
and rained.
and rained.
I had no sweater.
It was VERY windy.
since his cousin had blown us off (no puns, PLZ!)
we just sat in the rain and talked.
EXCEPT.
He made no move.
Nothing.
He didn't even touch me.
Not even during pictures.
I felt very ugly next to this VERY cute boy.
However, it seemed like he had no interest in me.
Which is NEW for me.
It was about 10:15pm when i walked him to the B-word stop.
I waited with him until his bB-word came,
Gave him a hug (which i found akward, and unsettling) and he got on the bus.
..But not before telling me he wanted to get together tomorrow afternoon, after he works.
.. and giving me his house number.
Mixed signals?
I think So.

[[Intermission]]

Act III: Walk of Shame

It rained me until i was soaked.
I was running back from Woody's, to catch my bus, When..
A ford escort sideswiped me, and knocked me on my ass.
Frazzled, and confused that i had just been hit by a FUCKING CAR when i still had 11 seconds until my red hand stopped flashing,
I got up.
And pulled together what was left of my dignity,
picked up my bag, and went to the bathroom to use the blow dryer to dry myself.
11:04pm i get on the bus. ( After the attack on the Vehicle, i've earned the right to use the B-word at this point)
11:34 I'm walking home in the rain,
and a cop drives by, and soaks me in a huge wave of water.
Drenching me, head to toe.
I choked on street water.
Faccionable.

i get home.
drop my shit.
run upstair,
and let out my rage for the world in a hot shower.

What A FUCKING day.

Midnight showers, Painful hours
Matty B.

Rewind Then Press Play

"You say.
There's not place you'd rather be.
When you're lying next to me.

I say.
There's no one i'd rather see,
when you're lying to me.

You say.
that you never want to go
when you're lying next to me

I say.
That i want to take it slow.
when you're lying next to me.

Plastic Stars.
In our plastic galaxy."

-Freeze Pop

So I have a date tomorrow night with.. let's call him Mr.Oklahoma.
So Mr.OK and i have been talking on and off for a few weeks now,
VIA Myspace.
We've had a few opprotunities to meet eachother,
but something has always come up..
I don't worry about it, because the plans have never been concrete.

But tomorrow, we're getting Sushi at Hapa tomorrow at 6pm.
Hm.. i wonder what it'll be like.

However if i could give myself advice, it would be this.

1.) Look firece.
2.) Play to your strengths: Be funny, be cute.
3.) Offer to pay the bill.
4.) Avoid talking: you sound like a queer.
5.) Draw attention to your mouth and hair. Those are your best attributes.
6.) Do your "slight" smiles.
7.) Avoid the subject of your family. If it comes up, claim your entire family died except your brothers.
8.) Stare into his eyes when he tells you a personal story.
9.) Let him lean in first.
10.) Use Protection.

If i could offer him advice, it would be this.
1.) Look fierce. If you're wearing sweatpants, i'm walking out.
2.) Brush your teeth. And bring gum.
3.) Pay for the meal. I don't eat much, so embrace the fact that i am.
4.) Smile.
5.) don't be afraid to touch me.
6.) Make the first move. Or give me signs that i should make the first move.
7.) Wear Cologne.
8.) Don't ask me if i'm tight. That's tacky.
9.) Tell me I'm beautiful. And skinny. I'm very conceded
10.) Be honest.

My sunglasses match the cocaine tray.. I'm SO LA
Matty B.

Gonna Get You Bitch! Gonna Get You... BITCH!

People are funny sometimes.
I think that my biggest feat with men, is that everyone is so... CLOSED.

seriously, if a man is going to take you out, but be closed to you emotionally,
they should have a sign hung around their neck saying:
"Caution!
Emotionally Unavailable!"

I seriously find the most beautiful perfect men, and i always later find out that all they want is to fuck me.
Or worse, after we're finished, they always stare into my eyes, as if they are trying to figure me out.

Well here I am, in a few sort statements:

I'm adorable. Not sexy, not hot, cute and adorable.
I'm poor.. and considering you're the one fucking me, you get to pay for dinner.. otherwise, i'm not going to be hungry.
I'm emotionally available to people who don't give me bullshit.
I will be the most amazing person, if you let me.
Oh yeah... I'm a GREAT fuck, but i'm even better at making love.


Simple.
I wish people could have little blurgs like that.
maybe 'll start making t-shirts.. with whats good and bad about you.
then everyone can wear them around, and i'l know who's personality I can deal with, and who i should just avoid completely.

just tell me if i need to avoid you, or if i'm going to love you.
tell me if you want ME, or just my body.
that simple.

What can I say?
I lead a "simple life"

reference anyone?
... damn i'd better eat a cube of cheese.

Love Ya bitch
Matty B.

How to be Mr.Perfect [REVISED AND REVISITED]

!.) Don't lie.
It's that simple. be forethcoming with information.. because if you don't tell us, you're lying by omission.

2.) If you fuck me, buy me dinner.
Whether you know it or not, it hurts. Yes i enjoy it, but what would help heal, ould be a pancake.

3.) Tell me you love me first.
..and if you don't love me, don't lie and say you do.

4.)Be spontanious. EASY.
Buy me a surprise gift. Show up unexpected. Leave me a cute note on my door.

5.) Tell me i'm beautiful.
..even if i'm not.

I know we'll make it if we try
Matty B.

Fuck Independance


some pics





Fuck You
Fuck Me.


So i Have been watching sex and the city,
and it's true.

I want to be saved.
I that too much to ask?
I've been on a few dates..

ad considering i eat like, NOTHING, offering (and or paying) for the nothign that i eat, is a really, REALLY big gesture.
i mean christ, i get paid nothing to do what i love.
and i eat nothing.
you shoudl support it.

someone does. and he knows i love him for it.

I've had 4 martini's...and i'm working on my 5th.
hot.

i can't even walk...
and i just ripped my new superman ubderwear (size 8 in little boys)
i can't breathe in them, but it makes y ass look hot.

<33

god i am SO fucking alone.
seriously... although i am going to sound so emo cliche' and ridiculous liek a pillowcase...
no one understands me.

i just want... LOVE. and i ant to be able to love that person back.


I'm ahting you lately.
Myspace
Fuck
rewind, then press play.

ToyBoz, robots in disguise.. [you want to fuck me]

Matty, Why Are You Such A Cunt?

Well sweetheart, that's because I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, and I am more than happy to tell them what i REALLY think about them.

Sorry Mr.Clingy, and Mr.Meth. You should have broken up.
You lifestyle makes me sick.


You know you want this
Matty B.

Little High, Little Low

So Miss Moving had a little talk with me today.
About Mr. [Not So] Perfect,
About Smoking,
And about my poor eating habits.

Recently, there has been a common theme in my life.
EVERYONE i know, has been commmenting, gossiping, and flat out lying about my being anorexic (and/or) bulemic.
Let's just get a few things clear.

One, I'm not BULEMIC. I HATE throwing up. When I throw up, it makes me want to slit my wrists. Seriously, I REFUSE to throw up. It really hurts my throat, it ruins my teeth, and i'm LOUD when i do it. so you would KNOW if i did.

Two, If you have problems with me, bring it to my attention. I realize that any publicity is good publicity, but CHRIST, until i'm on E!, talk your shit to my face, not behind my back.

Three, I'm not anorexic, I'm poor. I seriously don't make shit money selling men's and women's shoes, and accessories. I can barely pay my bill, much less buy food. SO FUCK OFF.

And finally, it's not against the law to be skinny. So what? I like being being skinner than my friends. That was a lie, i LOVE being the skinniest person in the fucking room.

Love me for it.
Hate me for it.

Either way, i'm not changing.
Because I'm FABULOUS.

I may be hungry, but i look GOOD
Matty B.