Untitled
I stood there before you today, again.
Exposed to the world as someone that loves,
exposed to you as the one i love.
i walked to the edge,
glancing back at you,
stepping lightly on each plush decision.
breathing in the warmth of your love.
I smiled at you,
Assuming the best from you.
Quietly, i reached the edge of my cliff,
a zephr from the past nudging me reassuringly.
A small droplet of hope found it's way onto my face, landing right beneath my eye.
Then on my lip,
Again, on my chest.
Slowly progressing, the beautiful sky became cloudy,
the sun was slowly being shut out,
shakled into it's solitude.
There I was.
still with my smile.
drenched in hope,
soaking with reassurance.
I stood there.
Naked, and shivering, awaiting judgment.
Your silence told me all i needed to know.
The look of disgust as you watched the rain collect, and run down my broken body,
was all i needed to see.
all i wated to see.
the realization became clear, then.
that wasn't rain of hope pouring down on us.
That was the angels weeping for what could have been.
I said goodbye to my soul mate that day.
But i still hoped it wasn't for good.
so with a once-warm embrace.
i turned and walked towards the edge of our mountain.
suddenly the beauty was gone,
and my feet were burned and bleeding.
each step away from you was more painful than the last.
but i approached the edge,
tears of blood pouring down my face,
my heart cold and dismembered;
i looked at you one last time, today.
and instead of clearing up the weather,
you look of absence and uncaring pushed me further.
So i opened up my soul,
spread my wings,
and jumped.
.
..
Now I lay here,
broken and bleeding.
I didn't realize that your love was my wings.
That my soul is incomplete without you.
And the worse part is,
is that you "love" was a figment of my imagination.
there was never any love,
there was never any hope,
there was never someone that loved me..
the real me.
there was never someone that cared.
Just a boy,
trapped in the shell of a man,
pretending to be an adult.
Pretending to love me.
Pretending to hold me.
Pretending to care.
Matty B.
Does This Mean I Should Have Sex Like A Man?
10:17pm.
I ran.
And ran.
Then Walked,
Then ran.
11:37pm.
I stopped.
Threw up.
Walked a few blocks,
and sat; watching the stars.
12:45pm.
3rd cop in 2 hours passed me.
So i put my shirt back on.
But i kept running.
I learned my lesson.
I think.
I WILL BE SKINNY.
I WILL BE THE EYE OF DESIRE.
YOU THINK YOU DON'T WANT ME?
YOU'LL HAVE ONE THING ON MY MIND.
REGRET.
YOU'LL SEE ME,
AND YOU'LL KNOW THOSE BOYS WILL BE FUCKING ME,
ENJOYING EVERY LAST BIT, AND THEN SOME.
I'm wicked through and through.
Because I cannot get you to love me.
No good deed will i do again.
Matty B.
10:17pm.
I ran.
And ran.
Then Walked,
Then ran.
11:37pm.
I stopped.
Threw up.
Walked a few blocks,
and sat; watching the stars.
12:45pm.
3rd cop in 2 hours passed me.
So i put my shirt back on.
But i kept running.
I learned my lesson.
I think.
I WILL BE SKINNY.
I WILL BE THE EYE OF DESIRE.
YOU THINK YOU DON'T WANT ME?
YOU'LL HAVE ONE THING ON MY MIND.
REGRET.
YOU'LL SEE ME,
AND YOU'LL KNOW THOSE BOYS WILL BE FUCKING ME,
ENJOYING EVERY LAST BIT, AND THEN SOME.
I'm wicked through and through.
Because I cannot get you to love me.
No good deed will i do again.
Matty B.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Your name will remain confidant
I heard something today.
It disturbed me. A LOT.
I heard that you are infatuated with a teacher.
You made him a CD.
You call him daily.
You eat dinner at his house.
He pays you money for you to come over, and "help" him.
Personal feelings aside,
Do you think he'll make you feel any better about yourself?
Do you think it's okay?
Do you think it's right?
Do you think he'll love you?
Beause if you think he will, REMEMBER THIS:
He will NEVER love you the way i do.
He will never satify you, that way i do.
And he will never make you forget me.
For Christ's sakes, do you think he'll run away with you?
THINK ABOUT THIS.
He is "cheating" on his partner of 20 years, who (CONVIENIENTLY) is DYING of AIDS, with you.
And he's done it before.
He'll never change,
But you will.
He'll give you HIV, and you will be cursed for the rest of your life.
It makes me wonder if you ever cared for me.
And it makes me wonder,
all those sweet things,
were they real?
are you real?
the love,
the smiles,
the generosity.
the gifts.
CHRIST! you gave him the SAME CD MIX YOU GAVE ME.
And you're not even here to talk to me.
I am SO lost, and lonely without you.
Can't you see this?
I know that i lost something today.
It was RESPECT.
For you.
For Him.
What do i do now?
Do i overlook it, and hope that my undying love is enough?
Is it?
Clearly it wasn't before.
Unfortunately, I don't think so.
I lie in my bed,
unable to make out a clear thought,
because the rush of pain and tears are flooding my head.
How am I supposed to make things work?
How am I supposed to go out in public,
when EVERYONE knows about GRAND JUNCTION.
(That you conviently left for without telling me, to go to, because he paid for the trip)
I'll never be able to be seen.
I'll never be able to be with you.
PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE.
PLEASE.
Matty B.
I heard something today.
It disturbed me. A LOT.
I heard that you are infatuated with a teacher.
You made him a CD.
You call him daily.
You eat dinner at his house.
He pays you money for you to come over, and "help" him.
Personal feelings aside,
Do you think he'll make you feel any better about yourself?
Do you think it's okay?
Do you think it's right?
Do you think he'll love you?
Beause if you think he will, REMEMBER THIS:
He will NEVER love you the way i do.
He will never satify you, that way i do.
And he will never make you forget me.
For Christ's sakes, do you think he'll run away with you?
THINK ABOUT THIS.
He is "cheating" on his partner of 20 years, who (CONVIENIENTLY) is DYING of AIDS, with you.
And he's done it before.
He'll never change,
But you will.
He'll give you HIV, and you will be cursed for the rest of your life.
It makes me wonder if you ever cared for me.
And it makes me wonder,
all those sweet things,
were they real?
are you real?
the love,
the smiles,
the generosity.
the gifts.
CHRIST! you gave him the SAME CD MIX YOU GAVE ME.
And you're not even here to talk to me.
I am SO lost, and lonely without you.
Can't you see this?
I know that i lost something today.
It was RESPECT.
For you.
For Him.
What do i do now?
Do i overlook it, and hope that my undying love is enough?
Is it?
Clearly it wasn't before.
Unfortunately, I don't think so.
I lie in my bed,
unable to make out a clear thought,
because the rush of pain and tears are flooding my head.
How am I supposed to make things work?
How am I supposed to go out in public,
when EVERYONE knows about GRAND JUNCTION.
(That you conviently left for without telling me, to go to, because he paid for the trip)
I'll never be able to be seen.
I'll never be able to be with you.
PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE.
PLEASE.
Matty B.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
"Okay, well Nic said this, and I didn't say that".
So Mr.Nice Guy is debating his hair.
It's TOO CRAZY for him.
Now Miss.Ists and hi are in the bathroom making weird noises..
~
So i'm sitting here on Nic's bed, thinking about life, and how funny it is.
I'm still laughing.
NOT.
But the point is, is that i have Miss.Business at my side,
we're going to go out and PARTY with my Denver Boys,
and tomorrow, we're going to roll out of bed, and swim through the sea of whores, that IS PRIDE.
EXCITMENT!
~
Drag was AMAZING today, i would definatly say that it was a sucess.
Pink hair, white Monroe shirt (thanks to Mr. Perfect's Mother) black skirt, punk belt, hot heels!
From Drag to Fag! I am looking good in my cute shorts, brown T, and matching sandals and Dolce Gabanna sunglasses.
This is my life.
This is THE life.
I think.
~
Oh yes! I FINALLY got my cell phone fixed!
It feels good to text message.
Matty B.
So Mr.Nice Guy is debating his hair.
It's TOO CRAZY for him.
Now Miss.Ists and hi are in the bathroom making weird noises..
~
So i'm sitting here on Nic's bed, thinking about life, and how funny it is.
I'm still laughing.
NOT.
But the point is, is that i have Miss.Business at my side,
we're going to go out and PARTY with my Denver Boys,
and tomorrow, we're going to roll out of bed, and swim through the sea of whores, that IS PRIDE.
EXCITMENT!
~
Drag was AMAZING today, i would definatly say that it was a sucess.
Pink hair, white Monroe shirt (thanks to Mr. Perfect's Mother) black skirt, punk belt, hot heels!
From Drag to Fag! I am looking good in my cute shorts, brown T, and matching sandals and Dolce Gabanna sunglasses.
This is my life.
This is THE life.
I think.
~
Oh yes! I FINALLY got my cell phone fixed!
It feels good to text message.
Matty B.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Papperazzi, Handcuffs, and Dragon Breath
SO I went to court today.
but the decision whether or not that I go home was postponed 'till friday.
Oh yeah.
My mother called in thr troops: My Stepmother: 3rd Reicht Nazi.
so 3rd Reicht Nazi came in to court today, and she was all nice, tell me how much she loves and misses me.. and then invites me to Thanksgiving Dinner. Hm.
We're called up to the stand, and right as the judge congratulates me on completeing my apps to college, bringing up ALL of my grades, (some from F's To A's), and paying ff my debt, he starts to move on to the next case.
NOT SO FAST.
My mother pipes in. (while being proded in the back with a flaming pitchfork, by Mrs.3rd Reicht)
"I don't approve of my son's lifestyles, and he needs to come home."
The courtroom goes silent, and she continues:
"He got expelled from Fairview last semester because of attendance issues [LIE] (i transferred schools), I've seen him driving his friend's cars [LIE] (she lives 50 miles away from me. AT LEAST. That would impossible, because she is too busy [and i quote] "Working two jobs taking care of her children, as a SINGLE mother) [LIE], and he lives in an unsafe environment [LIE] ( I have a SOBER house. You can't get much more safe than that).
So We're excused from the courtroom, and as I walk by Mrs.3rd Reicht, she gives me the DEATH GLARE.
So i simply stop and say," Oh Sorry, I think I JUST made plans for thanksgiving. Perhaps another time."
She goes into a rage, and starts yelling at me, the second i get out of the courtroom.
She's screaming at my back, and grabs my wrist, and digs her nails in.
I turn around at her, and my Gaurdian ad Litem (GAL) steps inbetween her and i and quietly says,
"Let go of him, right now."
She replies (clearly IRATE)," Who the fuck are you?"
My GAL says, clearly put off my Mrs.3rd Reicht," Um.. I'm an officer of the court, and if you don't let go of him, you will be -"
and before she could finish her sentance, Mrs.3rd Reicht throws her hands in the air, and screams about how she's know me for 8 years, and that- well, that' all I heard, because the second i was released, I had my GAL shuffle me into a nearby room, while security was called on Mrs.3rd Reicht.
-10 Minutes Later-
My GAL, two (LARGE) Probation officers, and two Police officers surrounded me, and ushered me out of the little room, and down the hallway, while my Mrs.3rd Reicht was being deferred by two security gaurds. As we we walked out of the room, I spotted Mis.Buisness, and i motioned her to come over, and join me. As she walks up to me, the Officer looks at her, then at me, and was about to block her, but I quickly notified them that she was in the clear. She grabbed my hand, and our entourage scurried down the hallways to some back room in the middle of the Boulder Courthouse, so that we'd be safe.
It was VERY B.Spears.
My security moment of the day.
Very Hott. (the Security gaurds, that is)
My, "FAMILY" (if you could call them that) were personally escorted from the building 10 minutes later.
All i know, is that my cell is back on, i have some money, i just finished making my fake tits, and I am ready to be the QUEEN of PRIDE tomorrow.
Oh JUST WAIT.
It feels good to have someone (or PEOPLE) on your side.
:)
Matty B.
SO I went to court today.
but the decision whether or not that I go home was postponed 'till friday.
Oh yeah.
My mother called in thr troops: My Stepmother: 3rd Reicht Nazi.
so 3rd Reicht Nazi came in to court today, and she was all nice, tell me how much she loves and misses me.. and then invites me to Thanksgiving Dinner. Hm.
We're called up to the stand, and right as the judge congratulates me on completeing my apps to college, bringing up ALL of my grades, (some from F's To A's), and paying ff my debt, he starts to move on to the next case.
NOT SO FAST.
My mother pipes in. (while being proded in the back with a flaming pitchfork, by Mrs.3rd Reicht)
"I don't approve of my son's lifestyles, and he needs to come home."
The courtroom goes silent, and she continues:
"He got expelled from Fairview last semester because of attendance issues [LIE] (i transferred schools), I've seen him driving his friend's cars [LIE] (she lives 50 miles away from me. AT LEAST. That would impossible, because she is too busy [and i quote] "Working two jobs taking care of her children, as a SINGLE mother) [LIE], and he lives in an unsafe environment [LIE] ( I have a SOBER house. You can't get much more safe than that).
So We're excused from the courtroom, and as I walk by Mrs.3rd Reicht, she gives me the DEATH GLARE.
So i simply stop and say," Oh Sorry, I think I JUST made plans for thanksgiving. Perhaps another time."
She goes into a rage, and starts yelling at me, the second i get out of the courtroom.
She's screaming at my back, and grabs my wrist, and digs her nails in.
I turn around at her, and my Gaurdian ad Litem (GAL) steps inbetween her and i and quietly says,
"Let go of him, right now."
She replies (clearly IRATE)," Who the fuck are you?"
My GAL says, clearly put off my Mrs.3rd Reicht," Um.. I'm an officer of the court, and if you don't let go of him, you will be -"
and before she could finish her sentance, Mrs.3rd Reicht throws her hands in the air, and screams about how she's know me for 8 years, and that- well, that' all I heard, because the second i was released, I had my GAL shuffle me into a nearby room, while security was called on Mrs.3rd Reicht.
-10 Minutes Later-
My GAL, two (LARGE) Probation officers, and two Police officers surrounded me, and ushered me out of the little room, and down the hallway, while my Mrs.3rd Reicht was being deferred by two security gaurds. As we we walked out of the room, I spotted Mis.Buisness, and i motioned her to come over, and join me. As she walks up to me, the Officer looks at her, then at me, and was about to block her, but I quickly notified them that she was in the clear. She grabbed my hand, and our entourage scurried down the hallways to some back room in the middle of the Boulder Courthouse, so that we'd be safe.
It was VERY B.Spears.
My security moment of the day.
Very Hott. (the Security gaurds, that is)
My, "FAMILY" (if you could call them that) were personally escorted from the building 10 minutes later.
All i know, is that my cell is back on, i have some money, i just finished making my fake tits, and I am ready to be the QUEEN of PRIDE tomorrow.
Oh JUST WAIT.
It feels good to have someone (or PEOPLE) on your side.
:)
Matty B.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
But Until I Try, I'll NEVER KNOW!
So Mr.Perfect is done with me.
I'm old news.
Yesterday's trash.
A used Geisha, wandering the streets of Hong Kong.
Second Day chinese food.
An old [Piece of] fruit.
Get it yet?
Because i don't
I care, but youve doubted hat all along, ive spent the last two weeks teaching myself to accept being alone again...so now I have to be the ass hole and say that I want us to be good friends again but I'm not looking for aony more than that from anyone
..Typos and all.
Okay.
If two weeks is what you need to tell you that 6 (almost 7) months of a relationship isn't worth fighting for, well i think that's pathetic.
That makes me furious.
Oh I'm sorry... You're too emotional to talk?
FUCK THAT.
You opened the box I made for yo with all of our memories, and belongings, and you want to tell ME to fuck off, and take my sentiments with me?
WHERE WAS MY BOX, BRADY?
WHERE WAS MY GOODBYE HUG, BRADY?
WHERE WAS THE LOVE, BRADY?
WHERE ARE THE TEARS, BRADY?
WHERE ARE YOU BRADY?!
See.. Things like that ( you know, where i go WAY OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY to show you that you meant something to me, and I get NOTHING. NO RESPONSE, NOTHING! NOTHING FROM YOU!) is what makes me doubt your [quote unquote]"Love" for me.
Well guess what?
NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU THE WAY I DID.
Every ounce of anything I had to offer anyone in my life, i offered to you.
Every drop of sentiment and love, was given to you.
When i promised myself i wouldn't love anyone ever again,
I loved you.
And what do i have to show for it?
A "man" who not only doesn't want to talk to me, but wants to get over and past me as fast as he can.
Oh yeah,
then he asks me to get his friend (that is not only a gay male, but indeed wants to FUCK HIM) a fake ID , so he can dance the night away with his (old) new found friend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
what the FUCK did I do wrong?!
Matty B.
So Mr.Perfect is done with me.
I'm old news.
Yesterday's trash.
A used Geisha, wandering the streets of Hong Kong.
Second Day chinese food.
An old [Piece of] fruit.
Get it yet?
Because i don't
I care, but youve doubted hat all along, ive spent the last two weeks teaching myself to accept being alone again...so now I have to be the ass hole and say that I want us to be good friends again but I'm not looking for aony more than that from anyone
..Typos and all.
Okay.
If two weeks is what you need to tell you that 6 (almost 7) months of a relationship isn't worth fighting for, well i think that's pathetic.
That makes me furious.
Oh I'm sorry... You're too emotional to talk?
FUCK THAT.
You opened the box I made for yo with all of our memories, and belongings, and you want to tell ME to fuck off, and take my sentiments with me?
WHERE WAS MY BOX, BRADY?
WHERE WAS MY GOODBYE HUG, BRADY?
WHERE WAS THE LOVE, BRADY?
WHERE ARE THE TEARS, BRADY?
WHERE ARE YOU BRADY?!
See.. Things like that ( you know, where i go WAY OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY to show you that you meant something to me, and I get NOTHING. NO RESPONSE, NOTHING! NOTHING FROM YOU!) is what makes me doubt your [quote unquote]"Love" for me.
Well guess what?
NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU THE WAY I DID.
Every ounce of anything I had to offer anyone in my life, i offered to you.
Every drop of sentiment and love, was given to you.
When i promised myself i wouldn't love anyone ever again,
I loved you.
And what do i have to show for it?
A "man" who not only doesn't want to talk to me, but wants to get over and past me as fast as he can.
Oh yeah,
then he asks me to get his friend (that is not only a gay male, but indeed wants to FUCK HIM) a fake ID , so he can dance the night away with his (old) new found friend.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
what the FUCK did I do wrong?!
Matty B.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
I See The Future.. What?! Do You Think I'm A Comedian?
Listening To: Bjork - Mountain
So tonight was a real test of Mr.Perfect and I's relationship.
I told him, (and EVERYONE else) that I was helping Miz.Croc move today, until 5..
.. Of course, not only is Miz.Croc an hour late, but that resulted in me being about 30 mins late to my house.. to meet Mr.Perfect.
FUCK!
So I called Ms.Business that i was running late, Etc. (this is at 5:22pm, I distincly remember) She tells me she's at work, and so is Mr.Perfect, and [Basically] I totally blew him off, and she said it in a very undermining tone.. As if im a bad person, or something.
(of course I am)
So, I stop by Mr.Perfect's work, and when i get there, he half waves at me, kinda looking hapy to see me. I stand there, because some bitch took like 10 minutes to order a FUCKING sandwich, just trying to wait patiently.. Of course, while my insides are playing bumper cars on crack. The fat whore waddles away, and as I walk up to talk to him, he calls for the nest person in line (there was only one other group in front of me, and CLEARLY they weren't ready to order) to order..
I wasn't going to wait while a man and a woman spend an hour deciding between an apple or a chip as a side with their Chicken Olivada Sandwich (which is FUCKING DISCUSTING). So i walked to the register, before they could manage to move, and told him that if we could reschedual time to talk for this evening- after his shift. He kinda grunted at me, and i was CLEARLY wrong about his happiness to see me.
SO... I go home, feeling like a dumbass.. and even showing up to his work to talk to him.
Basically, I looked like shit, i was sweaty, and gross, i'd been lifing beds and bookshelves and piano's all day. point of the story: I was fucking grody. But i thought it would be best to apologize directly to him, and explain myself, before Ms.Business took my words, and twisted them. He said he was closing, which (since i used to work there, and close, i know you usually finish at 11) isn't too bad, so i told him to come over after that.
9:02: I take a shower, shave (i have to be smooth, lol) and put on some cologne
9:54: I throw all my clothes into a pile on my floor, attempt to rearrange some things; make my bed.
10:15: I pop in a movie
10:46: I hope he gets off early
11:01: Oh god any minute now
11:21: Angelina Jolie threatens to stab herself in the Aorta. (while pointing a pen at her neck)
11:32: Miz.BFF Farts EVERYWHERE, and thuroughly grosses me out, so i spritz myself with cologne, so i smell good.
11:50: Maybe It was a late close?
12:01: Miz.BFF Reminds me her clock is 5 minutes fast, and that it's not me.
12:06 (but really 12:01): She tells me to call him.
12:23: He tells me it's a late close, and that he has to go to his internship tomorrow. He offers to bring over food, but I'm already bummed out, and i know that if he comes over, it'd be a long visit, and he has to wake up early tomorrow.
12:25: I tell him that he should take the bagels to the internship.. It'll be a great *holds back tear* impression on his first day. He tells me goodbye. I reply the same.
12:25:30: I realize something:
Eventhough today was his LAST day, at a job he HATED, not only did he go, but he stayed late an HOUR, to finish OTHER people's closing duties.. instead of spending that time with me.
[BEFORE I GET ALL THE HATE MAIL]
I know, he is VERY responsible, and doesn't think it would be right.. I don't know, i guess i would have hoped that... I was a larger priority.
But that's my own damn fault.
I'm letting myself be hurt, because I KNOW i'm not #1(or #2, OR #3, OR #4) on his priority list, but i'm always wishing i'm at least in the top 3, you know?
So i know the list, it's never changed:
#1) Family - I can respect this, because he has very strong family values, which shows that he cares about family
#2) School - It's very important to him. I can respect this, because it means he'll be sucessful in life.
#3) Work - This is where the money comes in, right?
#4) His Image - How people see him. I can respect the fact that he wants to be in the closet, because of "today's society".. but I don't know.
#5) Me. Number 5.
the worst part is that He's always been my #1.
Which was foolish of me.
the sucky thing is, is i still look at his profile, and see whn he was on, and if he readmy email.
.. and who his male friends are.. to see if he's hitting on any boys (EMO TOM?! *vomit*)
Of course, i never have a happy feeling after looking at it.. because i don't know what's going on.. just what Ms.Business tells me. (which is never 100% accurate)
I was finishing Mr.Perfect's box today, collecting his things, memorabilia, etc.. and i read the first letter he wrote (typed) to me.. it was for Valentines Day:
"- I know it's only been a week or so since i've been able to call you my own. But I want to use this holiday as a way to tell you that i care about you more and more each time i get to see you. Each evening when i lay in bed, and each morning I wake up, I find it much easier to smile. Amazingly, it's easier to get up in the morning, knowing thatthere's a possibility of seeing you or talking to you during that day.
(Sidenote: The other night at Rock Island, when you got up into the cage with Mia, just watching you dance told me that i had picked the right boy. i told myself that I was probably one of the luckier people in the world because you applied for that job at Panera's.)
**Pauses**
I really hope this isn't coming off too obsessive... Lord knows, the way this letter sounds, it'll prolly scare you off.
So Basically, on this wonderful Valentines Tuesday, I can truly say that i am happy. With the idea that soon i'll be holding your hand, seeing your smile, hearing your goofy laugh, I keep getting this dumb smile on my face. You're a special guy... and i'm turly lucky to say that i know you. And no matter what happens, you will still me important to me. Even if you are a bad influence ;)-"
-Sorry- I haven't read that in 6 months, and it jsut brings tears to my eyes that that person is gone. I havn't seen him in a long time.. And that ruins me. If I was sill dating that BOY, nothing would matter. We used to sneak around, and make excuses to see me, and lie your ass off to be with me.
That stopped..
.. And the silence started in.
..That's when i started to doubt. When I stopped recieving letters from this love sick boy, and started recieving peck on the cheek from a mail-order husband.
i know that it is SO cliche' to say, "you're no the preson i fell in love with! I want him back! BLAH BLAH!" but.. i'd give ANYTHING to have a few moments with that boy, so i can either keep him permenatly keep him, or tell him i'll always love him... and hold him one last time.
..It's just, since he couldn't tell me how he felt in person, he wrote it.
Now, It's dinner at Red Robin, a Movie, getting fucked, and going home.
When the love is waning, can't we MAKE it?
I just want to be Honest To God, no ifs ands or buts, Loved down to my sould, so hard, i can't stand it.
I just want to be a priority.
But i know that's not going to happen... because apparently "everything is his fault".
What's wrong with me?
How can i get cured if i don't know the sickness?
How can I change if i have no prompt?
Matty B.
Listening To: Bjork - Mountain
So tonight was a real test of Mr.Perfect and I's relationship.
I told him, (and EVERYONE else) that I was helping Miz.Croc move today, until 5..
.. Of course, not only is Miz.Croc an hour late, but that resulted in me being about 30 mins late to my house.. to meet Mr.Perfect.
FUCK!
So I called Ms.Business that i was running late, Etc. (this is at 5:22pm, I distincly remember) She tells me she's at work, and so is Mr.Perfect, and [Basically] I totally blew him off, and she said it in a very undermining tone.. As if im a bad person, or something.
(of course I am)
So, I stop by Mr.Perfect's work, and when i get there, he half waves at me, kinda looking hapy to see me. I stand there, because some bitch took like 10 minutes to order a FUCKING sandwich, just trying to wait patiently.. Of course, while my insides are playing bumper cars on crack. The fat whore waddles away, and as I walk up to talk to him, he calls for the nest person in line (there was only one other group in front of me, and CLEARLY they weren't ready to order) to order..
I wasn't going to wait while a man and a woman spend an hour deciding between an apple or a chip as a side with their Chicken Olivada Sandwich (which is FUCKING DISCUSTING). So i walked to the register, before they could manage to move, and told him that if we could reschedual time to talk for this evening- after his shift. He kinda grunted at me, and i was CLEARLY wrong about his happiness to see me.
SO... I go home, feeling like a dumbass.. and even showing up to his work to talk to him.
Basically, I looked like shit, i was sweaty, and gross, i'd been lifing beds and bookshelves and piano's all day. point of the story: I was fucking grody. But i thought it would be best to apologize directly to him, and explain myself, before Ms.Business took my words, and twisted them. He said he was closing, which (since i used to work there, and close, i know you usually finish at 11) isn't too bad, so i told him to come over after that.
9:02: I take a shower, shave (i have to be smooth, lol) and put on some cologne
9:54: I throw all my clothes into a pile on my floor, attempt to rearrange some things; make my bed.
10:15: I pop in a movie
10:46: I hope he gets off early
11:01: Oh god any minute now
11:21: Angelina Jolie threatens to stab herself in the Aorta. (while pointing a pen at her neck)
11:32: Miz.BFF Farts EVERYWHERE, and thuroughly grosses me out, so i spritz myself with cologne, so i smell good.
11:50: Maybe It was a late close?
12:01: Miz.BFF Reminds me her clock is 5 minutes fast, and that it's not me.
12:06 (but really 12:01): She tells me to call him.
12:23: He tells me it's a late close, and that he has to go to his internship tomorrow. He offers to bring over food, but I'm already bummed out, and i know that if he comes over, it'd be a long visit, and he has to wake up early tomorrow.
12:25: I tell him that he should take the bagels to the internship.. It'll be a great *holds back tear* impression on his first day. He tells me goodbye. I reply the same.
12:25:30: I realize something:
Eventhough today was his LAST day, at a job he HATED, not only did he go, but he stayed late an HOUR, to finish OTHER people's closing duties.. instead of spending that time with me.
[BEFORE I GET ALL THE HATE MAIL]
I know, he is VERY responsible, and doesn't think it would be right.. I don't know, i guess i would have hoped that... I was a larger priority.
But that's my own damn fault.
I'm letting myself be hurt, because I KNOW i'm not #1(or #2, OR #3, OR #4) on his priority list, but i'm always wishing i'm at least in the top 3, you know?
So i know the list, it's never changed:
#1) Family - I can respect this, because he has very strong family values, which shows that he cares about family
#2) School - It's very important to him. I can respect this, because it means he'll be sucessful in life.
#3) Work - This is where the money comes in, right?
#4) His Image - How people see him. I can respect the fact that he wants to be in the closet, because of "today's society".. but I don't know.
#5) Me. Number 5.
the worst part is that He's always been my #1.
Which was foolish of me.
the sucky thing is, is i still look at his profile, and see whn he was on, and if he readmy email.
.. and who his male friends are.. to see if he's hitting on any boys (EMO TOM?! *vomit*)
Of course, i never have a happy feeling after looking at it.. because i don't know what's going on.. just what Ms.Business tells me. (which is never 100% accurate)
I was finishing Mr.Perfect's box today, collecting his things, memorabilia, etc.. and i read the first letter he wrote (typed) to me.. it was for Valentines Day:
"- I know it's only been a week or so since i've been able to call you my own. But I want to use this holiday as a way to tell you that i care about you more and more each time i get to see you. Each evening when i lay in bed, and each morning I wake up, I find it much easier to smile. Amazingly, it's easier to get up in the morning, knowing thatthere's a possibility of seeing you or talking to you during that day.
(Sidenote: The other night at Rock Island, when you got up into the cage with Mia, just watching you dance told me that i had picked the right boy. i told myself that I was probably one of the luckier people in the world because you applied for that job at Panera's.)
**Pauses**
I really hope this isn't coming off too obsessive... Lord knows, the way this letter sounds, it'll prolly scare you off.
So Basically, on this wonderful Valentines Tuesday, I can truly say that i am happy. With the idea that soon i'll be holding your hand, seeing your smile, hearing your goofy laugh, I keep getting this dumb smile on my face. You're a special guy... and i'm turly lucky to say that i know you. And no matter what happens, you will still me important to me. Even if you are a bad influence ;)-"
-Sorry- I haven't read that in 6 months, and it jsut brings tears to my eyes that that person is gone. I havn't seen him in a long time.. And that ruins me. If I was sill dating that BOY, nothing would matter. We used to sneak around, and make excuses to see me, and lie your ass off to be with me.
That stopped..
.. And the silence started in.
..That's when i started to doubt. When I stopped recieving letters from this love sick boy, and started recieving peck on the cheek from a mail-order husband.
i know that it is SO cliche' to say, "you're no the preson i fell in love with! I want him back! BLAH BLAH!" but.. i'd give ANYTHING to have a few moments with that boy, so i can either keep him permenatly keep him, or tell him i'll always love him... and hold him one last time.
..It's just, since he couldn't tell me how he felt in person, he wrote it.
Now, It's dinner at Red Robin, a Movie, getting fucked, and going home.
When the love is waning, can't we MAKE it?
I just want to be Honest To God, no ifs ands or buts, Loved down to my sould, so hard, i can't stand it.
I just want to be a priority.
But i know that's not going to happen... because apparently "everything is his fault".
What's wrong with me?
How can i get cured if i don't know the sickness?
How can I change if i have no prompt?
Matty B.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Yeah... I guess i'll see you tomorrow, then!
So i'm watching WAITING... and it's, er, interesting.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
I have court this friday, and everytime i go to court, i have to fight for the fact that i want to stay living on my own... Then every day, i walk to the bus stop, scrape up some money for the bus ride home, listen to the sound of my stomach growl, until the bus stops, and i get to walk the mile home. I thought that this was my freedom, that i wanted to so desperatly, that i NEEDED so desperately.. And i think to myself:
How am i setting myself up for the future?
What do i REALLY want to do with my life?
When i DO go back home, because we all know i will be FORCED to at SOME point in my life, how are things going to be different? How will i be changed? How can i make this situation one i can work?
So we will make a PRO and CON list.
Pro
* I won't have to pay for anything.
* I can save money to do things: IE Traveling, buy a car, buy the Apple Laptop i've been wanting.
*I can have a COMPLETE night's sleep.
*I can stop worrying
*I can breathe again..
*i can start with a clean slate: It's so hard being reminded of the same person, PEOPLE everyday, that aren't who they used to be.
* I won't be SO stressed
*I'll be able to see my little brother, and see his grow as a person.. which i've missed. A LOT.
*I'll have a bed
*my debt will be taken care of. hopefully
Con
*My mother is a lunatic. She is absolutely FUCKING FUCKING Crazy.
*I won't see Bri. :'(
*I won't have my freedoms
*I won't be treated as an adult anymore.
*I'll be living in LONGMONT
*I'll be alone.. Again.
*I'll have a tiny room
*I won't have my friends.
*i'll have no support
*my mother is a Nazi.
So i really can't choose. I mean, if i can "lube" up my mother with some "comprimises", then maybe the transition will be easier. I'm just tired of this uphill battle. The battle with friends, family, the court.. it's jsut getting to the point to becoming absoutely ridiculous. It's draining, and it makes me anxious. ALL THE TIME.
What to do?
I could use the change. not because i want to mend my family (because we ALL know that that isn't going to happen) but, because there isn't really anything keeping me in Louisville. It's different, now.
Matty B.
So i'm watching WAITING... and it's, er, interesting.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
I have court this friday, and everytime i go to court, i have to fight for the fact that i want to stay living on my own... Then every day, i walk to the bus stop, scrape up some money for the bus ride home, listen to the sound of my stomach growl, until the bus stops, and i get to walk the mile home. I thought that this was my freedom, that i wanted to so desperatly, that i NEEDED so desperately.. And i think to myself:
When i DO go back home, because we all know i will be FORCED to at SOME point in my life, how are things going to be different? How will i be changed? How can i make this situation one i can work?
So we will make a PRO and CON list.
Pro
* I won't have to pay for anything.
* I can save money to do things: IE Traveling, buy a car, buy the Apple Laptop i've been wanting.
*I can have a COMPLETE night's sleep.
*I can stop worrying
*I can breathe again..
*i can start with a clean slate: It's so hard being reminded of the same person, PEOPLE everyday, that aren't who they used to be.
* I won't be SO stressed
*I'll be able to see my little brother, and see his grow as a person.. which i've missed. A LOT.
*I'll have a bed
*my debt will be taken care of. hopefully
Con
*My mother is a lunatic. She is absolutely FUCKING FUCKING Crazy.
*I won't see Bri. :'(
*I won't have my freedoms
*I won't be treated as an adult anymore.
*I'll be living in LONGMONT
*I'll be alone.. Again.
*I'll have a tiny room
*I won't have my friends.
*i'll have no support
*my mother is a Nazi.
So i really can't choose. I mean, if i can "lube" up my mother with some "comprimises", then maybe the transition will be easier. I'm just tired of this uphill battle. The battle with friends, family, the court.. it's jsut getting to the point to becoming absoutely ridiculous. It's draining, and it makes me anxious. ALL THE TIME.
What to do?
I could use the change. not because i want to mend my family (because we ALL know that that isn't going to happen) but, because there isn't really anything keeping me in Louisville. It's different, now.
Matty B.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Heathers
What's your damage, Heather?
If you want to fuck with eagles, you have to learn to fly.
You're Beautiful. *sarcasm*
It'll be very Vary.
Martha Dumptruck. Sad.
You're such a Pillowcase.
fuck me gently with a chainsaw... do i look like mother teresa.
they all want me as a friend or a fuck, i'm worshiped at Westerberg; and i'm only a junior!
Grow up Heather, Belimia is SO '87.
I'm a verinica.
Dear God in Heaven, Why did you have to kill such hott Snatch?
Matty B.
What's your damage, Heather?
If you want to fuck with eagles, you have to learn to fly.
You're Beautiful. *sarcasm*
It'll be very Vary.
Martha Dumptruck. Sad.
You're such a Pillowcase.
fuck me gently with a chainsaw... do i look like mother teresa.
they all want me as a friend or a fuck, i'm worshiped at Westerberg; and i'm only a junior!
Grow up Heather, Belimia is SO '87.
I'm a verinica.
Dear God in Heaven, Why did you have to kill such hott Snatch?
Matty B.
R2D2, get your vibrating shocker pole off me, you little midget!
Hm. things happen sometimes.
So i was sitting at the 24 hour St*rbucks in Denver, drinking, laughing, and Mr. TDH says he got laid in the past week.. by a regular. Hm. (naturally this crushes Mr.Nice Guy, but i think he sent a pretty clear message.) Interesting.
Then i notice that there is a man with this albino-looking girl, giving us [me] these very intersting (shit eating) looks, and naturally i assume it's some straight guy being an asshole.
WRONG.
about 1/2 an hour later, he gets up to leave, and comes over to me, and asks me if i'm Matty.
Of course i am.
then with a sneer, he says to me," Oh. Well tell Brady I say Hi."
As I try to fathom who this random (and clearly str8 acting homosexual) i ask him who he is.
He looks at me, and runs away.
.. should i be suspicous of this? I mean, he did break up with me, but it makes me wonder:
Was he cheating on me before he broke up with me? And if he was, does that mean I am inadequite? .. Did he ever love me at all?
Which leads to the question:
Does love exist? Am i wasting my time trying to feel something?
Wow. things really progress when you talk to your friends.
and the fact that Mr.[NOT SO] Perfectisn't even talking to me right now makes it even worse.
Goddamn it. maybe ill just go back to drugs and fucking everything with a cock.
Matty B.
Hm. things happen sometimes.
So i was sitting at the 24 hour St*rbucks in Denver, drinking, laughing, and Mr. TDH says he got laid in the past week.. by a regular. Hm. (naturally this crushes Mr.Nice Guy, but i think he sent a pretty clear message.) Interesting.
Then i notice that there is a man with this albino-looking girl, giving us [me] these very intersting (shit eating) looks, and naturally i assume it's some straight guy being an asshole.
WRONG.
about 1/2 an hour later, he gets up to leave, and comes over to me, and asks me if i'm Matty.
Of course i am.
then with a sneer, he says to me," Oh. Well tell Brady I say Hi."
As I try to fathom who this random (and clearly str8 acting homosexual) i ask him who he is.
He looks at me, and runs away.
.. should i be suspicous of this? I mean, he did break up with me, but it makes me wonder:
Which leads to the question:
Wow. things really progress when you talk to your friends.
and the fact that Mr.[NOT SO] Perfectisn't even talking to me right now makes it even worse.
Goddamn it. maybe ill just go back to drugs and fucking everything with a cock.
Matty B.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Love Doesn't Hurt, So I Know I'm Not Falling In Love, I'm Just Falling To Pieces
Okay. This is ridiculous.
Honestly! Why am I hurting so much? My friends have been pretty great (Bri and Jenna have been amazing), I Rolled My ASS OFF last night, and got close to a few (very cute) Boys at Apocolypse.. But..
..I haven't eaten in two days,
i can barely walk.
I can't bring myself to smile while i'm sober,
these tears have been streaming my face NONSTOP for three days.
when is my body going to finally give up and realize he isn't coming back to me?
It just hurts SO bad.. And I don't understand why.
I suppose ill go swimming, perhaps see if I can't go keep some food down.
Matty B.
Okay. This is ridiculous.
Honestly! Why am I hurting so much? My friends have been pretty great (Bri and Jenna have been amazing), I Rolled My ASS OFF last night, and got close to a few (very cute) Boys at Apocolypse.. But..
..I haven't eaten in two days,
i can barely walk.
I can't bring myself to smile while i'm sober,
these tears have been streaming my face NONSTOP for three days.
when is my body going to finally give up and realize he isn't coming back to me?
It just hurts SO bad.. And I don't understand why.
I suppose ill go swimming, perhaps see if I can't go keep some food down.
Matty B.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Put Your Hands In The Air, Scream Fuck the WORLD!
Ode to Once Was.
Everyday there was chaos.
Everynight there was absence in the crowded corridors of my mind.
Start.
Awake.
One Touch,
One Kiss,
One Heart,
and i am free again.
alive again.
loved again.
Slowed to a halt,
my world shifted to meet your gaze.
piercing my soul,
and burrowing deep into my heart.
Instant.
Reality.
I try to wipe my tears,
but it burns my fingers.
It burns my chest,
knowing you are gone.
I can't breathe
irreversable decisions are strangleing me.
ringing my neeck, till i turn blue.
I am Broken
my soul is gone.
and beat up and bloody,
i still love you.
and i hate me for that.
... matty
Ode to Once Was.
Everyday there was chaos.
Everynight there was absence in the crowded corridors of my mind.
Start.
Awake.
One Touch,
One Kiss,
One Heart,
and i am free again.
alive again.
loved again.
Slowed to a halt,
my world shifted to meet your gaze.
piercing my soul,
and burrowing deep into my heart.
Instant.
Reality.
I try to wipe my tears,
but it burns my fingers.
It burns my chest,
knowing you are gone.
I can't breathe
irreversable decisions are strangleing me.
ringing my neeck, till i turn blue.
I am Broken
my soul is gone.
and beat up and bloody,
i still love you.
and i hate me for that.
... matty
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
"And Nic says Paris On The Fucking Platte"
So the creation of [Reality Check] is a total sucess. With all of our minds put together, it will definatly be a great bit of info for everyone.
It feels good to be an Elder of Info.
Anyways,
I have had the craziest time with Mizz.FlashSeagulls recently. However, Mrs.Alkie is being a total bitch. drink, drink, drink! you're still crazy, Hoe.
Matty B.
So the creation of [Reality Check] is a total sucess. With all of our minds put together, it will definatly be a great bit of info for everyone.
It feels good to be an Elder of Info.
Anyways,
I have had the craziest time with Mizz.FlashSeagulls recently. However, Mrs.Alkie is being a total bitch. drink, drink, drink! you're still crazy, Hoe.
Matty B.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Graduation! Congratulations!
Wow. So is it official?
I think it is. I drink EVERY WEEKEND.
Seriously, i find some sort of occaision to drink.
...and this weekend's excuse:
Mr. Perfect's Graduation.
Seriously.
His parents are like, if you drink, you can't go home tonight.
.
..
...
so i chugged as much alcohol as my body could fit without being deemed socially unacceptable.
So not only do i get free alcohol from Mr.Perfect's PARENTS, but i get to sleep with him, in HIS room, at HIS house.
Heh, it's funny how things work out.
Wo0t!
Matty B.
Wow. So is it official?
I think it is. I drink EVERY WEEKEND.
Seriously, i find some sort of occaision to drink.
...and this weekend's excuse:
Mr. Perfect's Graduation.
Seriously.
His parents are like, if you drink, you can't go home tonight.
.
..
...
so i chugged as much alcohol as my body could fit without being deemed socially unacceptable.
So not only do i get free alcohol from Mr.Perfect's PARENTS, but i get to sleep with him, in HIS room, at HIS house.
Heh, it's funny how things work out.
Wo0t!
Matty B.