I saw that you read it. And it sucks that you have no reply

Ow,.

i am very drunk. and at nics house, in denver.
I;m excited to go to bed.
:)


I'm afraid of the decision that i bargained tonight. It will change my life forever.
Longmont. Ow..


:'(
Cry.

There's nothing holding me there anymore.
:(


What the fuck am i doing?
Matty B.

Yeah... I guess i'll see you tomorrow, then!

So i'm watching WAITING... and it's, er, interesting.


I've been thinking a lot lately.
I have court this friday, and everytime i go to court, i have to fight for the fact that i want to stay living on my own... Then every day, i walk to the bus stop, scrape up some money for the bus ride home, listen to the sound of my stomach growl, until the bus stops, and i get to walk the mile home. I thought that this was my freedom, that i wanted to so desperatly, that i NEEDED so desperately.. And i think to myself:
How am i setting myself up for the future?

What do i REALLY want to do with my life?

When i DO go back home, because we all know i will be FORCED to at SOME point in my life, how are things going to be different? How will i be changed? How can i make this situation one i can work?

So we will make a PRO and CON list.

Pro
* I won't have to pay for anything.
* I can save money to do things: IE Traveling, buy a car, buy the Apple Laptop i've been wanting.
*I can have a COMPLETE night's sleep.
*I can stop worrying
*I can breathe again..
*i can start with a clean slate: It's so hard being reminded of the same person, PEOPLE everyday, that aren't who they used to be.
* I won't be SO stressed
*I'll be able to see my little brother, and see his grow as a person.. which i've missed. A LOT.
*I'll have a bed
*my debt will be taken care of. hopefully


Con
*My mother is a lunatic. She is absolutely FUCKING FUCKING Crazy.
*I won't see Bri. :'(
*I won't have my freedoms
*I won't be treated as an adult anymore.
*I'll be living in LONGMONT
*I'll be alone.. Again.
*I'll have a tiny room
*I won't have my friends.
*i'll have no support
*my mother is a Nazi.

So i really can't choose. I mean, if i can "lube" up my mother with some "comprimises", then maybe the transition will be easier. I'm just tired of this uphill battle. The battle with friends, family, the court.. it's jsut getting to the point to becoming absoutely ridiculous. It's draining, and it makes me anxious. ALL THE TIME.

What to do?

I could use the change. not because i want to mend my family (because we ALL know that that isn't going to happen) but, because there isn't really anything keeping me in Louisville. It's different, now.

Meeting guys in bars.... is REALLY hard
Matty B.

If you learn one thing from hostel...

When you go to Europe, DO NOT FUCK THE CHICKS.

You WILL be tortured.

And you WILL Be killed.


I think i'm going to be sick that movie was SO lame.

"Ryan Renolds is SO hot, i want him to have ALL my children," Eric Exclaimed

Matty B.

Edited

Now choose:



Or



Or




Artsy Fartsy!
Matty B.

Photo Montage

Choose which you like, and it'll become the new main pic on Myspace and Connexion


One


2wo


Thr33


4our


Fiv5


Six


Se7en


Ei8ht


Nine


Ten


You choose?

You know you want me, in the shower!
Matty B.

what do you do, when you blow up your school?

i am SO fucking tired. it's officially 2am in the morning, and i just finished watching Heathers. What a FUCKED UP movie.

Hot.

anywhoo, my stomach is FUCKING killing me,
but then again, that's what i get for eating, right?

Ugh.

you know you want me
Matty B.

Heathers

What's your damage, Heather?

If you want to fuck with eagles, you have to learn to fly.

You're Beautiful. *sarcasm*

It'll be very Vary.

Martha Dumptruck. Sad.

You're such a Pillowcase.

fuck me gently with a chainsaw... do i look like mother teresa.

they all want me as a friend or a fuck, i'm worshiped at Westerberg; and i'm only a junior!

Grow up Heather, Belimia is SO '87.

I'm a verinica.

Dear God in Heaven, Why did you have to kill such hott Snatch?

Did That Sound Bitchy?
Matty B.

"I just want to get all Jesus with you! Stick that in your bible, BITCH!" Nic Exclaimed.

No one comments.


fuck you, whore.

I know you read it
Matty B.

R2D2, get your vibrating shocker pole off me, you little midget!

Hm. things happen sometimes.

So i was sitting at the 24 hour St*rbucks in Denver, drinking, laughing, and Mr. TDH says he got laid in the past week.. by a regular. Hm. (naturally this crushes Mr.Nice Guy, but i think he sent a pretty clear message.) Interesting.

Then i notice that there is a man with this albino-looking girl, giving us [me] these very intersting (shit eating) looks, and naturally i assume it's some straight guy being an asshole.

WRONG.

about 1/2 an hour later, he gets up to leave, and comes over to me, and asks me if i'm Matty.
Of course i am.

then with a sneer, he says to me," Oh. Well tell Brady I say Hi."
As I try to fathom who this random (and clearly str8 acting homosexual) i ask him who he is.
He looks at me, and runs away.


.. should i be suspicous of this? I mean, he did break up with me, but it makes me wonder:
Was he cheating on me before he broke up with me? And if he was, does that mean I am inadequite? .. Did he ever love me at all?

Which leads to the question:
Does love exist? Am i wasting my time trying to feel something?

Wow. things really progress when you talk to your friends.
and the fact that Mr.[NOT SO] Perfectisn't even talking to me right now makes it even worse.

Goddamn it. maybe ill just go back to drugs and fucking everything with a cock.

I'll just clip my emotions
Matty B.

Hi are You single?

So im bored, and single... and it sucks


although, i got to chillax with Mr. Nice Guy last night. Hot


Ugh.

No body'd perfect.. but me
Matty B.

Love Doesn't Hurt, So I Know I'm Not Falling In Love, I'm Just Falling To Pieces

Okay. This is ridiculous.
Honestly! Why am I hurting so much? My friends have been pretty great (Bri and Jenna have been amazing), I Rolled My ASS OFF last night, and got close to a few (very cute) Boys at Apocolypse.. But..

..I haven't eaten in two days,
i can barely walk.
I can't bring myself to smile while i'm sober,
these tears have been streaming my face NONSTOP for three days.
when is my body going to finally give up and realize he isn't coming back to me?
It just hurts SO bad.. And I don't understand why.

I suppose ill go swimming, perhaps see if I can't go keep some food down.


You're Kinda cool, but i' know better than to break the rules with messin' with a lesson i'll never learn.
Matty B.

WTF




And Oh Yeah



How Will I Be Fixed?
Matty B.

Put Your Hands In The Air, Scream Fuck the WORLD!


Ode to Once Was.

Everyday there was chaos.
Everynight there was absence in the crowded corridors of my mind.
Start.
Awake.

One Touch,
One Kiss,
One Heart,
and i am free again.
alive again.
loved again.

Slowed to a halt,
my world shifted to meet your gaze.
piercing my soul,
and burrowing deep into my heart.

Instant.
Reality.

I try to wipe my tears,
but it burns my fingers.
It burns my chest,
knowing you are gone.
I can't breathe
irreversable decisions are strangleing me.
ringing my neeck, till i turn blue.

I am Broken
my soul is gone.
and beat up and bloody,
i still love you.
and i hate me for that.

...

... matty

My Hair Looks Fierce

Oh. And i am going to party it up tonight if it kills me.


Oh yeah, I'm Hotter, Thinner, and Better than You.
Matty B.

Peel Me Off This Velcro Seat, And Get Me Movin'

Some Graphics i just spent the past 6 hours doing.

Yay Emo.


This Is My Favorite. [Yay TranSexuals]

Cheerleaders are MEAN. [Maybe That's Why I Was "SO GOOD!!"]

This is My brother as an Angel. He rocks my life, and i miss him.




My Soul Is Dead
Matty B.

I Kissed You in a Style Clarke Gable Would Admire

You know im wise beyond my years.
My perfect verse is just a line,
that i tell myself just to get by.




that is just a small portion of a conversation i've had about Mr.Perfect

Get By.
Matty B.

Ow.

I am In SO much Pain right Now.


Could you stab me a little bit deeper? I can still see the black spots
Matty B.

"And Nic says Paris On The Fucking Platte"

So the creation of [Reality Check] is a total sucess. With all of our minds put together, it will definatly be a great bit of info for everyone.

It feels good to be an Elder of Info.

Anyways,
I have had the craziest time with Mizz.FlashSeagulls recently. However, Mrs.Alkie is being a total bitch. drink, drink, drink! you're still crazy, Hoe.

You know you're DYING to be me
Matty B.

Well, that's a flash from the past

Wow. Cum does not taste like what it used to...


You love my lipstick as a cock ring
Matty B.

Graduation! Congratulations!

Wow. So is it official?
I think it is. I drink EVERY WEEKEND.

Seriously, i find some sort of occaision to drink.

...and this weekend's excuse:
Mr. Perfect's Graduation.
Seriously.
His parents are like, if you drink, you can't go home tonight.

.
..
...


so i chugged as much alcohol as my body could fit without being deemed socially unacceptable.

So not only do i get free alcohol from Mr.Perfect's PARENTS, but i get to sleep with him, in HIS room, at HIS house.

Heh, it's funny how things work out.

Wo0t!

jdhfkhsdfkjhskjern jerken farb
Matty B.