Touch It, Smack It, Reverse It.

I'm going to school tomorrow.
and i'm going to have a bodygaurd. [or escort]

i'm still terrified.

Fuck You AND your "Opinions"
Matty B.

It Doesn't Feel Right, Until You Start To Drown-"

So I Emailed Mr.Oz yesterday.
In reality, we've been emailing eachother back and forth a little bit, for a few days now..
..so I asked him some hard [but valid] questions.
He's read the message, but hasn't written back.

It seems ever since i've been spending time with Mr.Angel,
Things like that have started to loose effect.
Instead of being angry and upset,
I'm not surprised.
Instead of brooding around,
I'm understanding that he's his own person.
Instead of taking it personally,
I have accepted that he has to have his share of horrible [and they will be horrible] relationships,
to realize what an amazing boyfriend i was.
i mean, yeah Mr.Oz is a great fuck [i thought him everything he knows],
but lets be honest,
he never told me how he felt about me,
he never showed me how he felt about me,
and we never got to be alone.
Not the worst boyfriend,
but there are better.. i hope.

I mean,
Mr.Angel is SO adorable.
Seriously, he walks into the room, and the sight of his smiling face just brightens my day.
His [how could i put it?] Doofy? His Big Silly Laugh just makes me explode [literally] in laughter,
and makes my day worth while.
He goes out of his way to make me smile,
Flowers, kisses, cuddling, etc..

..and one of the best parts, is that he makes me feel sexy..
that sounds stupid, but whatever.
He totally has a GORGEOUS body,
and i don't feel like a pregnant heffer cow.
I feel slim and sexy and gorgeous,
..i feel worthy of being around him,
I've never had that before...
and goddamn it, it feels good.

However, there's always a down side.
Hm.. i know he reads this,
and i know everyone reads this..
...but i kind of get jealous of Girlfriend.
IT IS RIDICULOUS, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
I barely know this amazing person,
and im jealous of this beautiful connection that they have.
All i know is this:
If he ever looks at me 1/2 the way he looks at Girlfriend,
I would be one lucky son of a bitch.
I don't think she knows how lucky she is.
He really does love her.


Someday..Love Will Find Me, In The Rough-"
Matty B.

You Tremble At The Sound-"

Matty B. had bit of a crisis last night.
It seems to appear that there is someone(s) at his school that wants to kill him.

Day One: He sees the grafitti on the bathroom wall, reading," Matt Mohanan is going to DIE Faggot", written in pencil.

He tells administration, and they have Jose' Quervo clean it off the walls, reassuring, it's a stupid prank.

Day Two: Matty B. walks to the bathroom, and what has returned? The EXACT same phrase, but in a different spot. Jose' Quervo cleans it off, and Administration reassures him that it's nothing, it has everything to do with them, BLAH BLAH.

An hour later, he goes to wash his hands in the sink,
But now not only has it returned,"Matthew Monahan is GOING TO DIE!!
but it's returned in permenant marker reading
He talks to Administration.
Rise, Repeat.

Day Three: Matty B. walks into the bathroom to find that it's written on the walls, the mirrors, and on the stalls. it proclaims," YOU WON'T SILENCE ME. THE FAGGOT WILL DIE. MATT MONAHAN IS GOING TO DIE!"
He goes to Administration, and they tell him to ignore it. It'll go away, if you don't recognize it. No one will do anything. Just go about your normal business. Everything will work out.

Pulled From The Denver Post
"November 19th 2003
A Boy in Longmont, Colorado was found today, brutally beaten and raped in the parking lot of his school-"
"-It has been speculated that he was a new student to this Longmont Highschool, and was identified as a,"Openly Gay Individual." It has been said that he was walking home afterschool, after the first meeting of his "Gays and Straights Alliance"-"
"-He was choppered to Children's Hospital, and after several blows to the head, face, and back, he is in critical condition. Police are still searching for information that would lead to -"

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO ME.
NOT AGAIN.

Come around, no more
Matty B.

"Stop My Breathing, Slit My Throat... I Must Be Emo-"

I have the next couple of days off.
It's nice to be able to relax a little bit.

My social worker is going to come over,
then Mr.Angel, Miss Business, and Girlfriend and I are all going to make candy for Skylab on Saturday. I'm really excited to say the least.

They brought me flowers at work the other day,
So as appreciation, i had raunchy kinky sex with Mr.Angel while Girlfriend taped, and Miss Business directed..

[That didn't really happen, I actually took Mr.Angel wildflowers to his work, and a card, but people lately said that my blog was boring them. LOL]

Now i'm at home, enjoying the quiet while i clean and my brother practices his chinese homework.

Picture perfect?

well, i've seen black, and i've seen blue, but you make it all go away
Matty B.

I'm going to garuntee, to set you free.

The past couple of days have been a little rough.
I walked into a bathroom that had
"Matt Monahan Is Going to Die. Faggot."
written in permenant marker,
floor to ceiling.. stall to mirror,
at the art-hall bathrooms, at school.

Hm.

Right when i thought i was at my breaking point,
convulsing in anger,
shaking in fear,
Mr.Angel swooped down and made it all better.

I was working in the back room at my place of employment,
[i didn't want to deal with the horrid fucking customers]
and my manager comes back and tells me i have some people waiting.
Naturally, i think it's Miss Business, so i ask to go on break.
He agrees, and walks me to the lobby,
where MR.Angel, Girlfriend, and Miss Business are waiting with
flowers,
baloons,
a wrapped present,
and bamboo?
I thought it was a cute addition to the cornecopia of surprise.
i was so excited,
i ran up to all of them,
and hugged them as tightly as i could.
(not girlfriend too tight, she's frail)

After my break, i finish working,
then head out to leave.
the gang was waiting,
and we all proceeded to go to my house.

a HUGE mamosa and 6 shots of rum later,
i was running and dancing in the rain with Mr.Angel and Girlfriend.
We come back in,
and head to bed.

Mr.Angel has this smell to him.
I don't know what it is.. but it's familliar,
and i like it.

Although he didn't cuddle with me very much that night,
He made up for it the next morning.
It felt really good to lie in the arms of a man.
Specifically, it felt really good to lie in his arms.

This boy is absolutly magic.
i don't know how he did it,
but i had a smil eon my face all night.
Ha, i think about him, and i smile.

Darn It!

I just hope he feels the same way.
[otherwise he'll run for the hills]

razorblades, Headwig, and a vase full of happiness
Matty B.

I wanna S your D, F your B

Jeffree Star's new song, Ice Cream Is fabulous.
Open Up Your Thighs, Show me your Surprise

God Love Him/Her

Rhinestone, Horomone
Matty B.

$1.65 and a Suicidal Parent.

I hung out with my Girlfriend while she took her break from work.
(she's an assistant manager at the KFC right down the street from my house.. I know, it's really sexy.)
Afterwards, I went over to the neighborhood Carrabba's (my previous place of employment) to visit Mr.Angel.
He was gorgeous and absolutley adorable, as usual:
He was wearing a pin stripe button-up shirt, with matching pants.
We set a group date to go see a movie, and make pasta.
(he's seen my myspace pictures, and i think he really wants me to cook for him.)
To say the least, i'm excited.

Miss Business and I then proceeded to go home,
when i was called by Eric.
He was at Flatirons, and he had my new phone with him.
I raced over there, and thanked him immensly.
Then i drove him to the bus stop,
and now i'm at home, typing this.

Yeah.
I need an Ooh La La La La La
Matty B.

Size 9's and Crunchy Teal Tights

Good morning.
I saw the sun kiss your face,
as it rose over my window sill and poured all over our bodies;
wrapping us in a warm embrace.

Good Morning.
I felt your warm body framing mine,
in a picture perfect scene,
of two people meant to be;
two boys grown to men,
two souls grown into one,
two hearts grown into a life. with.. eachother.

Good Morning.
I smelled the hot coffee brewing,
and pictured us sitting on my front porch,
drinking out of matching mugs,
smoking matching cigarettes,
wearing matching pajamas,
except, i was wearing the shirt,
and you the pants,
not unlike our matching relationship.

Good Morning.
I heard your slow breath
whisper in my ear,
chant a sweet syphany of rhaspy sweet nothings,
reassuring that fact that i love you.

Good Morning.
I could still taste you,
the musk,
the sweat,
the love,
the lust,
the pain,
the tears,
the sex.
i could taste it all,
and memories flooded back to my head,
pushing me back,
pushing me against the smooth, white wall,
onto the rough, wooden window sill,
against the sheer, thin glass,
through the thick, harsh air,
against the cold, unforgiving concrete,
into the suffocating, wet earth,
into the firey pits of hell,
where the burns still remind me of a lost love.

Good morning.
I woke with a start.
Pupils dilating,
cold beads of sweat cascading down the side of my temple,
hot, un justified tears pooling in my eyes,
and escaping across my face.
persperation collected unevenly across my brow,
as my barely-healed wounds burs open in angst,
proving that the pain is real.
I layed back down,
pulled my tear and blood stained comforter up to my chin,
and wished you would heal your own scars,
so you could help me heal mine.

Hold On Tight.
Matty B.

Hold On Tight.. I am. I am Revolution-"

So I went on a semi-date today.
I was standing at the cash rep, and a co-worker of mine,
we'll call him Mr.O'range,
Went shopping for some clothes, and kept asking my opinion.
I told him the honest truth,
and he ended up buying (hundreds of dollars worth[235.99 to be exact]) clothes,
that i chose for him.
i told him if he waited 5 minutes i'd let him take me to coffee,
and we could chat.
two menthols and a double blended vanilla bean frappuccino later,
he informs me that his is abstinate.
totally.
a virgin.
100%.

..considering he's a good guy,
is more than well off (has his own car, a camaro, a crotch rocket, and owns his own house),
Cute,
Funny,
Nice,
[Mean, Hehe]
That isn't a problem.
except that he isn't loosing his virginity until he gets married.. SPECIFICALLY:
TO A WOMAN.
He's BI.



DAMN IT.

I get what i wan, when i want!
Matty B.

Okay, Look, I... Went to School With Him.

Work today was ... Barely bareable.
Labor Day,
Screaming mothers,
Realizing that I'm working on a holiday...
I guess the upside was that I was working with a few cute [nice] boys,
I was getting paid 8.75 because it was a holiday,
And I got tohave my break with some of my ABSOUTELY FAVORITE people:
Guatemala Bean, Miss Business, (we'll call her) Miss Girlfriend, and (we'll call him) Mr. Angel. It was absoutely fantastic. We smoked, we had some laughs, and made fun of small children (DUH).

It was really nice to have friends around, laughing, joking, ha.. it was picture perfect.

It was a good day.
Things are good.

I think.
*knock on wood*

I'm going to lash ou tat the computer I gave you, and turn it off!
Matty B.

Baby Is This Love For Real? [Hold Me In Your Arms, To Feel...]/
Wake.
I slid out of my egyptian cotton sheets,
and glided out the door.
A blink later, I was standing at my coffee maker,
scooping frozen coffee grounds into my old, all knowing filter.
1/2 a pot later,
and as I was squeezing the last of my creamer out of it's crushed, pathetic contianer,
I scooped up a handful of granola,
and floated up the stairs,
and perched myself at my virtual addiction.
hours flew by,
aparently some guy in pheonix wants my 17 year old ass,
and i'm standing at my mirror.
gazing at my naked, shivering body,
wondering what's wrong.
what did i do?
what would i have to do?
I stepped into the scolding harsh reality of the morning,
and attempt to cleanse myself of the last night's misadventures.
with every scrub,
with with every cut,
it released overwhelming waves of love, lust and despair.
the deeper, the closer i came to myself.
the harder, the more became alive.
with every beat, with every,
"You, you don't want anything to do with me,
You, you don't know what to do to me..."
I became closer to myself.
I woke up.
I became alive.

I stood there,
in front of the mirror again,
on the scale,
looking at my bones stick out of my body,
looking at my dropping weight.

When will i be skinny enough?
When will I be good enough?
When will i have enough money?
When will i be what you want?
When will you relaize we're meant for eachother,
and if you do, will it be in time?
I don't want to move on,
but please, don't make me.
because i might.
accidentally or not.
someone might come along.
and then what will we do?

I know you love me.
I just hope you figure it out in time.
For the both of us.

...i mean, i do move to Denver in December.
And it'll be a long year.
Especially if i'm alone.

especially if you're alone.

God, i'm drunk.
But honest.

Aparentally There's A Lot That Can Be Wrong With You.
Matty B.

Because You Had Blood On Your Face, And I had Blood In My Eyes

I woke up this morning,
attempting to rid myself of the memory of last night's misadventures.
i roll outta bed at about 9:30,
walk down stairs,
made myself some coffee,
came back up stairs,
smoked a cigarette,
and just sat there.

then i took some pictures.
because words can't describe the feeling i have on this overcast day.

Somethin's Happenin' Here..."
Matty B.

Because You Had Blood On Your Face, And I had Blood In My Eyes

I woke up this morning,
attempting to rid myself of the memory of last night's misadventures.
i roll outta bed at about 9:30,
walk down stairs,
made myself some coffee,
came back up stairs,
smoked a cigarette,
and just sat there.

then i took some pictures.
because words can't describe the feeling i have on this overcast day.

Somethin's Happenin' Here..."
Matty B.

All You Dirty Scene Boys...
Jeffree Star just emailed me.

S/he says i have sweet words.

All those days of rocking out to "We want Cunt" and "the Natives" really pay off.

I see you lookin at my pictures, and your dicks get hard
Matty B.

Show Stopper

Things really turned around for me yesterday.
I had this appifany: I don't have to be a cold heart bitch all the time.
I mean, yes it is absolutly fabulous, and every one loves to hate you,
but what if people loved to love me?
It's a foreign concept, but with everything that's been happening, it's not really worth being an asshole all the time.

Miss Business has been sick the past couple of days, so i havn't had my BFF there with me at school.. Which is uncomfortable for me.

I found myself with my usual school lunch: an apple, a banana, and chocolate milk, and i was looking around, and i didn't really have anyone to sit with. Wait- that's a lie: i didn't have anyone to sit with.

EVERYONE hates me.

As they should. I haven't been the most appealing or friendly person since i've gotten back to school. I am absolutly sick and tired of people talking about Mr.Oz.

GET OVER IT
Mr.Oz and I are OVER

It sucks because the first thing people ask me, is "OMG! I haven't seen you all summer! How are you and Mr.Oz? You two were SO SO cute together! I really miss seeing you in the hallways, holding hands. You two were adorable! I KNOW you're life partners! I mean, look at the way you two are together. You are SO in love. I just remember you two making my day so much better!"

It's thrilling to tell people that we broke up, he wants to fuck other people, and that he's not in love with me.

It is really my pleasure to be stopped every 10 feet by some stupid bitch with a huge bleached white smile, tell me all this shit abou thow we're "so cute" or "meant to be, i know it".


We Broke Up.


He doesn't love me.


Do you want me to put it in a simpler term for you?


♥


I really put myself in a social handycap being with Mr.Oz all last year.
I don't know anyone this year,
and no one knows me.
they know "us".
It sucks, because i'm a nrew and different person.. and no one can see that. it doesn't matter that we broke up, they still insist on bringing it up.. As if they are trying to pursuade me to get back together with him, as if I HAVE ANY SAY IN THE MATTER AT ALL. and for clairification? I DON'T.

So here I am.
trying to start a new page of my life.
new clothes.
new hair.
new attituse on life.
single.
trying to mingle.
..and "nice" (or as close to nice as i'm going to get)

take me or leave me, bitches.

Maybe Some Boy Will Come And Find Me.
Matty B.

DON'T WORRY- to those people who don't deserve life, i'm still i nasty bitch, but in general to people that aren't half bad, i think i can learn to be... nice. or at least civil.

Jim Bean, Yoga, Toga, Cigarette, I'm So LA

I made a new friend today.
We'll call him Mr.Rightous, for lack of better term.

Usually, i'm a stingy bitch, always looking for the worst in people, but i really enjoyed talking to him. He is decentlt younger than me (maturity wise) but i think that i can safely say that it was a nice positive talk that we had.

I mean, i've known him for a while, but i;ve just never made the effort to outstreach my arms to this other "in-school-gay". It's a refreshing change. You know, people liking me, instead of hating me.
Hehe.

My sunglasses match the cocaine tray!
Matty B.

I Love Her Regardless

I cut my hair off.
No extensions.
No Bangs.
No more hiding.

All Prep.
All Gorgeous.
All The TIME.

Pics will come soon.
I have to debut it in public first, though.

Those are the people that i really care about
Matty B.

Holy Cleaness, Man

My soul was slightly rekindled today.
After work, i walked down the outdoor mall,
my legs throbbing,
my head pounding,
my shoulder aching from carrying my AP EUROPEAN HISTORY book around all day.
I was mosying to the sound of Jewel yodeling her poetic antics all around me,
when i saw the most innocent thing:

Right as I sat down on a flat rock to wait for my roommate,
I saw two slightly unattractive gay guys walk out of the theater.
Right as Paris Hilton's song "Stars are Blind" came on the plaza speakers,
one sheepishly asked the other what he wanted to do.
the more scrawny one blushed and said that they could go to his place,
or whatever, but just hang out if he wanted.
the bigger, more attractive one dug one of his hands out of his pockets,
and grabbed the scrawnier one's.

What did we learn today?
You can be as mean as you want.
You can hate as much as you want.
You can destroy everything you put your hands on, and try to ruin people,
but at the end of the day,
You just want someone's hand to hold.
no matter how much you deny it.
no matter how much you try and hate people for it.
you still have a heart.
I still have a heart.

..and it melted for these two akward gays.

You! Baby, what you do to me... You! you don't know what you do for me..
Matty B.

You Meet Me, You Complete Me.

So It is official. I have been awake for 2 1/2 hours, and i'm feeling good about it. which is really weird, because everyone knows how much i like to sleep. (it's one of my favorite activities.)

I just spent the last hour creating a webpage, using basic HTML, but it's cool, because it turned out really nicely, considering i did it so quickly, and it's all just a bunch of words. heh. It's really neat, and I'm really proud. It's easily the best page in this room.

...but then again, i don't really have any competition. My page consists of two graphics of me, one leading to MYSPACE when you click on it, and the other my My Blog.. then my myspace background as my page background.

in a room of people who don't have any backgrounds, or pictures, or links.. FUCK for pages that say," INSERT CONTENT HERE" or "COOL DUDE" as their content, i really don't have much competition.

My teacher is really impressed.

Shut it out.
Matty B.

Sunrise to Sundown; Still On My Mind.

I looked in the mirror today.
I didn't know how to react.
To make things worse, i took a picture,
To make sure i wasn't halucinating.

I wasn't.

I mean, i know i have a problem,
but things really escalate quickly

I know the scale doesn't lie,
but..


damn

the mirror always lies

Matty B.

And Then I Missed You...

So yesterday was my first day of school.
Let me tell you that it was the craziest fuckin day, ever. (well, not EVER, but pretty close)

We'll start off easy:
I woke up.
I had a nutritional breakfast (3 slices of cantelope, a small glass of milk, and some coffee).
I was about 3 minutes late to my first hour class [on purpose of course, because i was looking TRES HAUTE COUTURE, and it's imperative that i make an entrance.] where i was greeted with a lot of astounded stares, and a few girls blushed when i smiled at them.
So i was sitting there in "Coyote Time" and i get a note to go see the Principal.
Apparently she wanted to talk to me about things that were going on within the school. [that basically was all settled after they told Miss Business that she was a worse person for hanging out with me, then i ripped them a new one.]

After the principal, i went to my applied tech class (which is basic HTML coding, plus graphic design and animation multiplication) which was full of HORRIBLE DIRTY SHINY ROUND FRESHMAN.
I almost stood up and left the room.

..but i stayed, and apparently, i'm really good at this whole webpage design thing. i even made a page before the class was over. People clapped.

BLAH BLAH LUNCH BLAH BLAH

after lunch, we ditch the rest of the day, and i go to my HAIR SHOW!
i walked the run way, and i was a crowd favorite.
i had so SO SO much fun, and bitch i looked fierce.

It was cool because i got to spend a lot of time talking with Mr.Platnum, and smoke lots of cigarettes. i LITERALLY smoked all the way to the stage, put it out, walked, posed, and then lit up another cigarette. It was Heroin Chic Downtown LA. FABULOUS.

Well, i'd love to write more,
but i'm meeting Eric at the Trident.


You know you want me
Matty B.

afterwards, i went over to my grandma's house, and took a shower and ate a baked good. it was delicious, considering

I Will Break Into Your Thoughts, With What's Written On My Heart

I don't know how to take things lately.
Things have been absolutely crazy lately.

This sickness hasn't been going away.
I serisously can't eat ANYTHING.
I can't even drink water.
Plus side? I've been loosing weight like crazy.
Down side? Odd sleeping hours, and heartburn. (oh yeah, the hunger thing, lol.)
But the MAD amounts of pills have been easing up on that. (which aren't doing anything, i might add.)
Ho Hum. At least I'll be skinny at the end of all this.

This whole "drama" with MR.OK is dying down. He's too afraid to say anything to me.
(Basically he's a coward, but we knew that already).
His little friend from Oklahoma has been been emailing me,
But it doesn't matter because he's fat, shiny, zitty, and over all repulsive.
..So i have a lot of material to work with.
With Mr.OK there wasn't quite as much, but I still a plethora of stuff to use.
His little friend though, this kid is ABSOLUTLEY GROSS.
It's amusing.

So i read something today, and i'm quite sure how to take it.
I think that i'm very open inblog, and not very coy as to how i feel.
..Which sometimes gets me bit in the ass,
But at least i'm honest, right?
Point of the story?
I was reading Mr.Oz's blog today,
and in it he said that he was looking at old pictures of us (not that specifically, but i'm not a dumbass)
some old memorabelia,
some letters that were exchanged,

..and burned them.

I kind of just sat there, in disbelief.
I mean, I know we're not together,
nor have we been for a while,
And i realize that he wants/needs to experience life or whatever..
..Start over, if you will.
But that's a big part of who I am today.
I don't think he realizes how much i changed.
(Whether or not i knew it/ wanted to).
I'm a better person after knowing him,
after loving him,
And even if his intensions were pure,
It just sucks that he wants to let something like that go.
Because I don't want to.
I'm proud of the person I've become,
and when we were together,
i was VERY proud of the person he became.
He took such amazing strides,
And that showed me a lot,
and instigated change within myself.

And the fact that two people could change so much for eachother,
and still care in the end..

Well, i wouldn't give that memory up for the world.

"Tell Me You Love Me, Come Back And Hold Me, Let's Just Rush Back To The Start-" Coldplay
Matty B.

Here She Starts To Die.

Fully Alive is the best way to describe it.
That's how i feel right now.
In this carcass of a sickness-sticken body,
My hatred is just brewing.

And between the two of us, i think you know how much that is (considering, i don't believe in god and all).

I like the top left one the most, because after he hacked into my connexion,
i changed everything (even my email) so that he couldn't get in..

and i quote," It's really easy to hack if i have the right tools!"

Where are your tools now, you little bitch?

The left and the bottom are just two of (about 50) people that want his ass grass.
Where's your army now, you dirty little slut?





Kisses!

You'll be hoppin around on one foot... Looking through one eye..
Matty B.

97.5 And Dropping

Matty B. found his kryptonite today.
To fill the foid (which it did)
Matty B. dove deep.

Now almost naked and shivering,
i put on your shirt to remind me that you used to love me.
You know the one with the ripped off sleeves,
that you went to the hospital in,
And I went to the hospital in.
I wrap myself into a cacoon,
and burrow deep into my comforter that was my grandma's.

Hopefully from the only two people that loved me deep enough to wrench my soul,
it will cure me.

*I pray*

God, please help me.
I've only felt this feeling a few times,
once in the hospital,
once in court,
once when we broke up,
and now.

Thanks, i needed a punishment.. the day after my birthday.
I'm not meaning to hurt you.
I want this,
and i'm not going to give it up, just because the universe is punishing me.

Throat, burning. Ears, Burning. Eyes, Flowing. Heart, Dying.

Matty B.

Birthday Morning, The Sun's Going To Rise

So i hop online, and who is on?
Mr.Platnum.
This makes me laugh, because i was about to go to God's myspaec page and see if he was on her buddy list.
But he beat me to the punch,
And emailed me first.

Things Make Me Smile On My Birthday
Matty B.

What's Good For The Goose, Is Good For The Gander...

So I broke it off with Mr.OK today.
He lied about the following things:

*He doesn't have a liscence
*He was only in his relationship for 6 months (not 2 years)
*He's not emancipated
*He was soliciting sex from guys online
*He was taking to his X
*There was no car accident
*I mean nothing to him
*He called Miss Business a Bitch/Fat/Pug Face.
It doesn't matter if she's a bitch or not, i'mthe only person allowed to call her that. PERIOD.

I saw the stranger again today.
We'll call him Mr.OZ.

So I proposed an "Open Relationship" with Mr.Oz.
He thinks itd be unfair to me..

.. But what's mroe unfair?
Not being with me because he thinks he needs to experience more,
or be with me and fuck other guys.
(of course rules would be established)
..But if he can fuck other guys, i can too.

Execept the kicker?
He does things [sexually] that no other guys would do..
[Im NOT kinky! i just love a good rim job!! Can you blame a girl?]
And as for the sexual use of handcuffs...
I've never been comfortable enough with anyone to talk about it. LOL

What can I say?
He does what i like,
because he's a fast learner.
And i like that.

Power, Work It, Never Over
Matty B.

Okie is Definatly Not Dokie.

Immatuirty is present.
YIKES!

Cut That Shit OUT!

Who are you? Dakota Fanning?
Matty B.

What Do You Feel When You Look In The Mirror?

So i have new fierce hair.
Cascading black, pouring from explosions of red.

New Job:I start on thursday

A New look: Preppy meets Emo= Scene.

Some new friends: Mr.Platinum and Mr.Str8Breif -" How did you knwo about my jumprope?!"

And a new look on life: Your friends watch out for you, so follow their advice.

You don't know nothin' about hard work!
Matty B.

Mr.OK is doing Okay.

He's going home to Oklahoma.
Apprently he can't stand the pain of being away from his ex.
At least i tried, right?

He said previously that i was the only thing keeping him here.
...And i broke up with him.

Huh.
It's funny how things work out.

Youwould never take a walk with me
Matty B.

Who Are You?
I met someone last night. he reminded me of someone i used to know,
but he was a completely different person.
The only way i could tell that it was him,
is that he knew all of me and Miss Business' personal inside jokes.

We talked for hours last night.
I could barely keep it together.
After probably the most AWKWARD 3 1/2 hours ever,
i found myself changed.

And i don't know how to feel about that.

Remember What Happened Last Time I Put Myself Out There?
Matty B.

One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

Recently i read one of his blogs a few days ago, and left him a comment.. Basically apologizing and explaining my "venemous" behavoir. According to Mr.SpeedRacer, "Matty, you're really good with your words, especially when you hate somebody.

Poin of the story?
I try to make amens.
Start over, if you will.
So he sends me this message, and I reply ----V

Then, a close, personal BEST friend of mine recieves this. -------^

Hm. Motives?
How does he REALLY feel?

At this point, there is no point.

You won't see the eye shed another tear!
Matty B.

Robot Rock

Today has just been go gO GOING! I woke up this morning with a start because Miss Business was calling Eric's phone trying to get ahold of me. Apparently in an hour from then i was to be at her house, and talk with her parents.

GO GO GO!

Then she got a Papsmear. (spelling?)
I was horrified.
Let me tell you, if wan't gay before...

FF to the rest of the day...
Clean Clean Clean!
WORK!
MOWING THE LAWN!

run into some friends,
run into more,
exhaustion.
depletion.
ciagrette.

i couldn't figure out what i was so eager to write about.
Matty B.

I Guess Wicker Shelving Is Out?
I spent a good portion of the day helping Eric with errands. Well, it wsan't really helping, it was more like tagign along for the ride.
So here's the break down of the evening:
*Eric picks me up, and we go down to Longmont to get his mom, her boyfriend, and his grand daughter.
*We take them to the Coors Event center, where we drop them off at the Nickleback concert.
*We run around and do errands for a few hours, get food at Noodles, and Ice Cream at Coldstone. (I swear, Eric is one of the most selfless people i have ever met, and he amazes me.)
*Pick up Poppa and Gigi from the concert, take them home, and then head back to denver.
*1am? That's right, getting gas, almost getting killed, and then getting happy meals to fill out bellies. (that's right, i got Polly Pocket)
*Coffee with Nic and Eric and Mr.Anaconda. Gossip, tears, laughs, life experience.. Basically, the whole 9 yards.
* I come home, to find that i have a new "Blog Subscription Post." Who's blog am I subscribed to? And why did i not know that i made subscriptions? Oh yeah. It was Mr.Perfect's.
*After reading a (less wordy, less direct, and less overly hurtful [than mine, but i'm just good with my words], but effectivly clear and to-the point) blog, i leave him an apology. I think that it was about time for one. So i was nice, polite, clear and to-the-point honest, and humbled myself to ask him, [HIM?!] for forgivness.

Now i'm sitting here, about to pass the fuck out, thinking what i could have done differently...

And it would've been to never let him leave my house.
It would've been to let him come over after his ridiculouly long Panera Bread shift.
It would have been to stop being such a maurder, and open up.

Like Mr.OK said to me last night, yo ureally need to open up to people, i guess it's hard when you are so hurt.

I just hope that everything will be alright.

I'm off to bed, and to assess my current relationships with my lover, friends and least favorite, family.

Because You're Lovin' Me For Me-e-e-oh-ooh-oh oh oh
Matty B.

Security Breach



:)
..
Matty B.

At Some Point, We're All Old Maids.

Insecurity has been a really big issue with me lately.
I've been doubting my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and even myself.
I just spent the past hour watching Sex and the City [Season 5, Episode 3],
The entire episode was about how it was nearly impossible for Carrie to get the four girls together for Charolette's birthday.
By the middle of the episode, the fab four find themselves in Atlantic City where Charolette is paranoid about her age, Miranda is Paranoid about her ass, and Samantha is paranoid about the faithfulness of her lover.

I, again, find myself in the position of Samantha.
I hear from Mr.OK that he's cheated on his X before.
Fantastic.
What is my rule for that sort of person?
Once a cheater... I think you know the rest.

So of course I sit and toil about it.
Unhealthy, of course [but when am i ever healthy?] but i still insist on doing it.
I trust him, don't get me wrong,
but for some strange reason, i still have douts in myself: not unlike Samantha.

So here's the question of the hour:
Why get myself so worked up over nothing?
I mean, i know him, i trust him, and he clearly cares about me.

Is it me that i doubting?
After this whole drama that i've been having with [he who will not be mentioned again in this blog] AGAIN,
I find myself very insecure..
And that leads me into becoming Miranda.
Unlike Miranda, i did not just have a baby.
So what's my excuse for this weight gain?
it's not considerable, but it definatly poses a threat to my personal views on my body.
My skin is NOT flawless,
My hair is greasy and a mess,
My weight has increased,
and my sex drive has plummeted.
[not to mention the fact that i am even MORE on edge with people lately]

WTF is going on with me?
I absolutly feel utterly lost.
Which leads me into Charolette.

I pictured myself being with [he who will not be mentioned again in this blog] for the rest of my life,
and yet i'm sending him emails about how alone he is?
I'm giving Mr.OK shit for being immature,
Yet i'm the one telling my X that he has no one to look to.
[weather it's true or not, i definatly should keep that shit to myself]

*sigh*
-About 5 Minutes Pass-

I can barely see, now.
My fingers are slittping all over the keyboards because i'm an absolute wreck.
I don't understand how something can get so complicated so fast.

I can't do this anymore.
I'm trying to fix EVERYONE and their mother's lives right now,
when it's mine that i need to be focusing on.
I've been drowning in other people problems and sorrows, because i don't even dare to think about facing mine.

-About 10 minutes Pass-

You hurt me a lot.
I don't think you can understand that.
I gave you everything that I had to offer,
and you turn me away.
Now, I offer you my friendship, and apparently you want nothing to do with that.
..Yet you're the one that can't keep it together?

No that i'm making steps to move on,
i see your face and an immense saddness overwhelms me, and i can barley stand.
Now i'm crying here in the corner,
and you couldn't give two shits about me.

What kind of person are you?
oh yeah, you arent.

-20 minutes pass-

So i've been sitting here typing for almost an hour.
my tears are dry,
my heart is cold.
my body is broken.

Baby, I'm trying my hardest to be the best person I can be for you.
I just want you to know that it's just going to take some time to heal.
Thank you for being here for me.

When the FUCK is ERIC going to get back? Christ! (yeessss?)
Matty B.

Hello Little Boys, Little Toys

So deciet is running a cool undertone in my life recently.
Missing messages,
Sneaky secrets.
New Hair.
New 'Tude.


I just need to free my mind.

Pedofillia is SO PASSE'. Didn't you get the memo?
Matty B.

Ha Ha Who Ha, Ha Who Ha, Ha Who Ha Who Ha.

So we went to coffee tonight at the 24 hour starbucks with Mr.OK and (let's call him Mr.Squeak, yes, as in pip squeak.)and his sister.

So I'm sitting in the living room watching my favorite show ever {Making the Band III} and Mr.OK text's Mr.Squeak to see what he is doing. (Apparently i need to make a more consious effort to be nice to him) So we go to coffee.

Sitting.
Talking.
Mindless babble about nothing.
Followed by Mr.Squeak reminding everyone that at our previous coffee rendez-vous i thought buffalo burgers were made out of chicken.. Asshole.
ANYWAYS,
Him and his sister abruptly move to another table,
so that they can talk to a different friend, who ABSOLUTLY CANNOT sit at our table with us.. He needs "privacy" of sorts.

An hour passes,
my phone dies,
Mr.OK is freaking me out with his fake foot fetish,
pretending he's going to lick my foot, ETC.

They re-join us,
the sister wants us to come in and buy products from her salon..
holy AWK.

So i hear some beeping.
I ignore it,
Look around,
and go about the conversation.

BEEP.
Hm.

BEEP BEEP.
Hm..

I look over to the little excuse of a man,
and i see that the minute he closes his phone,
My boyfriend's phone lights up.
Knowing me to not be the jealous type, [HA]
I naturally assume the worst.
And what does he confirm?
He mentions that Mr.OK's best friend from Oklahoma is fat.
Then he mentions her by name.

SO

1.) He's texting my boyfriend.
2.) He's More than happy to drive to some random place in the middle of the night to see "us" (him)
3.)He goes to his myspace, and is familliar enough with it to know his friends, and the name of his friends.
4.) So kindly keeps pointing out how stupid i am.

WO
Think Twice Before You Touch My Girl, COme Around, Let Ya Feel The Burn
Matty B.

And For This Challenge, None Of You Will Be Going Home...

Mr.OK has been through an emotional whirlwind.
Parents,
Grandparents,
Jobs,
Living,

It's been a wreck.
BUT..
I waved my magic wand,
Sweet talked some parents,
used a few favors,
pulled a few strings,
and things are looking better.

He even got a job at this cute little french-louisianian breakfast nook..
(where we had one of our better dates)
I'm just so proud of him.
he really pulled it together for me,
and we totally tackled it.

Now with our 12 emmy nomination
Matty B.

And Thus The Quest Begins...

Our FAVORITE

Our Second Favorite

60 Logan St.

Curtis Park

Cheeseman Park?

So the roommates and I have officially started to look for an apartment in Denver.
Scary, i know,
But i am FUCKING excited.

God i'm liberated.

Because we're moving on up! (moving on up!)
Matty B.

"If it's an apartment you need, I'll help you find one for cheap.
If it's a job you need, I'll help you build your resume'.
If it's a hand to hold, I have two of them."

Mr.OK became very unsure of himself today.
There was a lot of talk of moving back home.
I won't lie, my heart sunk when i read the message,
but i kept my cool and walked him through what was going on,
and what he needed to do to make "living on your own" thing work.
What was that?
Oh yeah, that was the oh-so-familliar smell of doubt and panic.
so i just told him to do what i did,
except there's a difference.
I didn't have anyone,
and i made it very clear that he did.
Me.


Matty B. and Mr.OK after spending drunken hours in a hot tub.

The grass is always greener on the other side...
Matty B.

Let Him Feel No Pain!

I touched the earth today.
She missed me almost as much as i missed her.
Feeling her supple skin;
Slowly becoming embraced in her natural love.
I grabbed the sky and wrapped him around me;
Thinking of you.
The sun graced my face with warm kisses,
Oh so familliar,
Reminding me of your gentle touch.
Lying in the bliss of your arms,
The heavens opened up again;
This time to shed tears of joy upon my exposed body.
My skin gladly soaked in the compliments;
Desperatly trying to fill my broken soul.
The earth slowly grew up into my body,
And around my heart,
Pulling broken pieces together,
Bit by bit.
Stripping it from the built up pain,
Releasing the jaded hollowness,
That He so painfully burrowed.
When the pain of moving on crept in,
You held me tighter,
Telling me that you could fill the gap.
That the pain was only temporary,
Until I had room in my heart to allow him access.
I lied back,
Tears of trust building, then leaping from my face,
While you welcomed the heavens and yourself, into my soul.
You found it.
What was left of my soul,
You found.
And although the pain is still great,
Enough of it is gone, for you to make a home.
And although I don't have much to offer,
What you've mended is yours.
Even if it's in me.

Life On the Edge..
Matty B.

"I'm Glad You're Mine."

Things have really been looking up betweeen Mr.OK and I.
I met up with him on Pearl Street,
We then proceeded to run into people, make appearances, ETC.

I don't know about my feelings sometimes.
I don't know what to make of them.

What i do know, is that i might start taking Zoloft again.
Even out my moods a little bit.
..However it will deplete my sexual preformance.

Ugh.

I'm too young to take Viagra!
Matty B.

Building A House Out Of A Bomb That Bombed It Away.



You'll Nvere take a walk with me
Matty B.

Material Girl

Thanks to Nic I have stubled upon this little piece of OUTRAGE.

Remade and Ruined

As one that was born the exact same minute as Madonna.. I am APPALLED.
H.Duff, you should be ASHAMED!

Original, No DOUBT!
Matty B.

Lets Pretend We're Two People


From today, in the garden.

How Can Walk With Your Head Held High?
Matty B.

OK is More than Okay.

Last night he came over to my house.
We went to the grocery store,
then we went swimming..
then we checked our myspace.
then we just laid there and talked,
and talked.

and then..

...
Matty B.

I Touched The Earth Today.
It rained today.
I saw the heavens open up,
and weep a song of sorrow upon my face.
Slowly at first,
then thicker and harder it beat upon my skin.
with each dig of the shovel,
a new wave of purity cleansed my every regret.
I stopped for a moment to feel the cool smooth droplets run down my body;
surrounding me in an embrace of frozen acceptance.
I looked up at the sky for a sign,
as i began to dig once again.
the sharp jagged edge of the old wooden shovel,
dug into the side of my leg,
bringing me back to reality.
Blinding pain started to set in,
But before i had the chance to feel somthing,
the frozen tears from the sky
bore down onto the broken flesh,
and sealed my wound in a gentle hug.
i could feel the warm blood travel down my leg,
onto my foot,
and pool between my toes.
finally finished, i took off my sandals
and sat in the rain-soaked earth.
She kindly accepted my bare feet,
and they sunk slightly into the earth.
i could feel my empty soul light up with each second i sat on the ground.
the grasses caressed my wet, numb body,
and held it gently, reassuringly.
the rain persisted,
and i laid there,
tired and alone,
cold and sleek with water,
absorbing the earth.

I cried today.
because i knew that it was okay that i'm the only person who can love me.
because i knew that i was alone.
because...
i had finally come to terms with that.
and it felt good to feel bad.

There will be no white flag above my door... I'm in love, and always will be.

Matty B.

Oh If I Could Turn Back Time..

The past few days have been very interesting, to say the least.
One minute, i'm totally frusterated with Mr.Ok because he won't talk to me,
And the next, my soul is completely softened over,
Because he does the unthinkable: Talks to me.
I ask him a question,
he answers.

Lets have some honest hour.
He hasn't made a physical move on me, yet.
other than the a slight grab of my ass while we were making out, and i think that was accidental..

.. So i asked him about it.
I told him that if he just wanted to be friends, i would be okay with that
[Eventhough i SO wouldn't be]
because he hadn't really made a move.

..he responds [and i quote]," You think I don't like you, because I haven't tried to fuck you?"

I sheepishly smiled to myself... and responded,
"Yeah. I've never had someone not want to fuck me after the first date before."
[other than you know who, but he's been an acception to life. we don't talk about him]
"I usually have to beat them off" [appreciate the pun]

He just laughed, and asked me what he had to do to show me that he liked me.

I smiled today.
A REAL smile.



After talking more, he proceeded to tell me that he could see himself loving me [in the future].
..And I said that I would like that.

So here's the question:
Is Love Something That People Should Take A Chance On? Or Is It Better [safer] To Have Never Loved At All?

All i know, is that i'm taking this one slow.
See what gestures he makes,
See if he can make me fall in love with him.

This will be fun.
I'm excited for the future.

You'll Be In A Hurry, Hurry, HURRY! To Hear Me Say...
Matty B.

Will We Burn In Heaven?

Mr.Deja Vu: "I think that it would be best if we just stayed really good friends. I mean, that's what what you want anyways, right? Plus I'm going to be gone in a month."

Matty B.:" Uh.. Oh okay."

Hm.
Well there goes my "dating a few people" status.

Whatevs.
It was fun.

Everyone is waiting
Matty B.

Suddenly I See!

People are funny.
Mr. Ok is over at my house right now,
smoking a cigarette,
drinkin' a beer with his cousin (who went to highschool with my roommate),
and in the two hours that he's been here,
he hasn't even acknowleged that i was even present.
He didn't even say anything when i accidently tripped over him.. TWICE.

It's like I'm not even here.
What am I supposed to think?

Ugh.
Little examples such as this makes me loose faith in the homosexual male population.

Especially after he's been feeding me lines that he
"REALLY wants to see me."
or
"I Miss you SO much."

*scoff*

WTF?
Typical guy?
Sad.


~

But wait- there's more.
I get a text from him, while im downstairs talking to the Roommates,
asking me if i'm mad at him.
Hm.
Apparently he's "napping" on my bed upstairs.
Hm..
Guatemala Bean says that looks like an invitation.
What do i do?
I RSVP, and haul ass upstairs,
(while keeping my cool and suave)
And there he is, lying on my bed.
Hm...
So he just left my house, with his cousin and her life partner.
We were lying in my bed,
and i was holding him.
His cousin is coming up to get him,
and he whispers in my ear to pretend to be asleep.
So, I do.
I dunno.
The feeling of his cigarette-beer musky breath on the nappe of my neck..
He left 20 minutes ago,
and i can still feel his stubble on my neck,
his arms around my torso.

It's hard, because he's so sweet.
but then somtimes it's like i'm not even there.

What do I make of that?
I mean, i want to try to pursue something
(not a relationship, per-say)
but something...
deeper than making out.
It kinda feels like im in 7th grade again.

Do you like me?
Check Box:
[_] Yes
[_] No
[_]Maybe

Except it's a little bit deeper.
I think the note would look more like this:

Do you plan to pursue anything further with me? [Y/N]

Damn. Boys are complicated.

Will The Change Come While We're Waiting?
Matty B.

City Boy, Gonna Make You Cry
So i kicked it with Mr.DejaVu last night.
Apprently Miss.Moving didn't need me to work until this morning.

Point of the story,
We went to Berthoud,
and i DIRECTLY QUOTE,

"do you think about Mr.Ok when you're with me?"
Hm.

I won't lie.
I've been dating around.
I think after a rough break up,
i deserve a little bit of freedom to have some fun, to meet new people,
to be seen a little bit, you know?

(plus i never talked about exclusivity with EITHER of the guys i'm seeing, so i'm in the clear.)

But it's just interesting,
because i like both of them very much.
but they both offer me something that the other can't [or hasn't] produce.

Mr.DejaVu:
*intamate
*he tells me i'm beautiful
*He's very cute
*he trying to make me fall in love with him (and everyone knows i don't love anyone)
*he LOVES my body the way it is [which i think is a lie, but i'll try to gracefully take a ocmpliment]
*he took me to lunch
*he drove all the way out from longmont, to louisville, back to berthoud, then woke up at 7am to drive me to work. Hm.

Mr.OK (short for Oklahoma, BTW)
*Shares the same inside jokes as me.
*My friend's LOVE him
*He's funny
*He's GORGEOUS [even with short hair]
*He's very...genuine.
*I always want more.
*He came all the way out to Flatirons to see me, even when my break was only 15 mins.
* i like it when he touches me.

Here are three cons for each:
Mr.DejaVu: Moving to Greely in less than a month, [totally a bottom, weather he accepts it or not], and he bites me REALLY hard. Sad days.

Mr.OK: He doesn't really open up to me, we havn't really been intimate [however, we really haven't been in the setting to do anything like that], and he doesn't have a car. :(


I don't know.
I don't think i have to decide quite yet.
However, i think you'd know who i'd choose.

30 Days!
Matty B.

The Price Of Fame

8:02pm.
I notice that i'm being stared at.
By this little 12 year-old queer, and his little black gurl-frien'.
They sat there for 10 minutes whispering.
Akward.
I help a customer.
Then another.
Then another.
He starts walking toward me,
So naturally, being repulsed by his rolls of baby fat and trashy face,
I walk into the back.
Ha!
Boy was i wrong.
He had his friend ask a Co-Worker come get me.
My Co-Worker came into the back,
and asked if i knew them.
i said no, why
and he said," because they asked for you by name."
Gasp.
i told him to shoo him out of the store.
I mean, I don't have time to talk to every nobody wanna-be stalker, that walks in my path.
I thought the boy had left.
WRONG.
He was sitting outside of the store; prowling.
He LITERALLY leaped out and started screaming,
"You're sexy! Come talk to me! I just want to be your friend!"
Ew.

A friend of mine happened to be in the store,
and when she left,
he went and talked to her.
i believe his words were,
"I want to rape your friend."
Ew.

9:39pm
I finish mopping the floor; we've been closed for almost an hour.
I pick my life up off the ground,
and muster up SOME dignity,
while my MANAGER (Mr.DWP) is laughing his ass off,
then tells me i should "go for it".
Ew.

I start walking out to the parking lot,
when i see them.
The persistant little fuckers waited an hour after i got off to stalk me.
so i ran down a back stairwell,
and out to a different parking lot.

God, it's hard having people want to rape you at work.

You know you want me
Matty B.

Nobody Said It Was Easy

" In all honesty I have no idea what i want.
It just sucks because i've never given somone everything that i have to offer..
...well, except for [Unmentionable]
and he didn't even care.
And i've never been loved by someone.
...Ever.
And I'm just scared."

That was a little blurb i sent to Mr.DejaVu,
(while he's getting wasted in berthoud... Yum.)

It really makes me wonder about things.
Like, I honestly have never been loved by anyone before.
I have never had someone want to throw themselves in front of a train for me.
I mean,
that's not what i'm asking for by anymeans...
But it would definatly be nice to be with someone who doesn't just want to fuck me.
[however flattering that may be, it get's really old.. and it makes me feel like that's all i'm worth]

Eric said something yesterday that made me think [kidding or not]
He said," the only reason why [Mr. Deja Vu] liked me,
was because he doesn't know the real you."

Hm.

And then Miss Business says that i am always so mean,

And then people on my blog [and myspace] tell me i'm a bitch,
I'm fake.
It doesn't matter how hot i am on the outside,
because i am so ROTTEN and DEAD on the inside.

Hm..
Things like that really make you think, you know?
Like when someone calls me anorexic,
it freaks me out,
because i have a weight thing.
i used to be REALLY fat,
and i'm still not comfortable with my weight,
and it hurts. and SUCKS.
(but i bring it on myself, because i always joke about being anorexic.. or bring up weight)

Hm...
Sometimes i think that people who call me a bitch, and say that i'm mean and ugly.. I only see it as THEM being mean,
because i don't want to hear the truth.

So.
What do i do about it?
I mean, i think that i'm really nice.
I can tend to be a little selfish.
however, we all know what happens when i'm giving.
I get shot in the chest.

Hm....
I'm kind of enjoying being bitter bob.
But then again, no one wants to hang out with a "Debbie Downer."
Do i change?
Do i stay the same?
I have people who love me,
i have people who hate me.
i have people who love to hate me.

it's a dilemma


So i know that like three people read this, one of them being Miss Business [because i make her]
and Eric [because i guilt trip him into it]
But i guess this is more for my benefit. perhaps i can read this later, and learn from it.
or not.

No good deed goes unpunished- that's my new creed
Matty B.

My dreams... My Hopes. CRUSHED.



i expected so much more from you, Tila.

Tila Tila, Shake that ass like you REALLY mean it!
Matty B.

Attack Of The Weave!

So I've recently decided to get a new hair style.
i love it.

But everyone else hates it.
this of course makes me REALLY sad,
however i think it was just the cut i gave myself.
(i mean, i've never cut such long hair before)

so i think i am going to dye my hair black again.
then put in the black extensions
and put some blonde extensions in.

...I don't have enough extensions to put all blonde in.
Hm... but it keeps me from looking Emo?
because i'm NOT emo.

I'm scene.

OH BTW: Mr.DejaVu made a breif appearance last night.
and i can't stop smileing.

another OH BTW: Mr. OK hasn't been around.
and it makes me sad.

Sad Days, Happy Days.

If you're listenin' Whoa-oh oh oh oh oh....
Matty B.

Even Though The Stars Are Blind
So I'm talking fetishes with Mr.Deja Vu.
Hahahaha, he makes me laugh.

So I added some features to my hair.





The last one is my FAV.
But i think i look like a lezbian.

I have to go.
Miss Business is pacing arouns upstairs,
waiting for me to come to bed.
..and she's getting angry.

If you show me REAL love baby

Dare You To Move

Last night I found myself loitering on Pearl Street with Miss Business and Mr.OK doing absolutely nothing.
..and then my fanbase showed up.

I can comfortably say that i saw at LEAST 25 people that i knew in a matter of minutes. People were literally PUSHING their way to get over to me to give me a hug.
All in all, i was quite embarassed,
and think Mr.OK and Miss Business hated me a little bit.

So we walked.
Saw more people.

Took a step
Saw more people.

Lit up a cigarette,
Saw more people.

Inhaled,
Saw more people.

It took us about 25 minutes to get 2 blocks.
I felt like a spoiled bitch,
and for once, it didn't feel good.
ALL i wanted was to be alone with Mr.OK.
..Just for a second.
That's all i asked.

..and that's what I got.
(after i RUDELY ushered Miss Business away, apparently..)

So Mr.OK and I were laying in the grass,
looking up at the stars,
listening to the creek.

Just lying there.
Hm.

Then Eric came and picked us up,
and we drove Mr.OK home.

I'm curious as to why we really havn't progressed past making out.
but maybe he wants to take it slow?
I'm mean, we've had like 7 dates or so, and last night he [kinda] grabbed my ass while we were making out.
...but i think it was accidental because i'm SO tall.

So Eric and I went to longmont to meet up with a kid who's wanted to have coffee with me for a while... We'll call him Mr.Deja Vu.
That was great, he's asuch a great guy (and pocket sized!) But he REALLY made me laugh.

I dunno. i think it just adds to the chaos that is my life.

I love it.
[more ot come later... i'm going to go get my new phone]
She doesn't have the titties, she doesn't have that ass
Matty B.

Haters Are Gonna Hate, And Playas Are Gonna Play

So here I am laying in Miss Business' bed,
looking really cute,
And I read my blog,
And some RANDOM person calls me anorexic and skinny.

Wow. I really wish people would compliment me more often!

They aint got nothin' to do-o-o, wit me and you-o-o
Matty B.

One part lies, One part female, Two parts DRAMA

We ran into two people today, as they were leaving Sephora.
(i had just got off work, and we were on the way to re-apply our lipgloss and head to the car to go for a tan and swim at my pool)
We'll call these people Mr.EuroGay and Mr.PocketBitch.
So, Miss Business went to school with Mr.EuroGay and Mr.PocketBitch, and had befriended them a few years ago.
They both graduated, so she tried to keep contact with them.

Excited to see eachother, they exchanged hugs and kisses, while i just stood there looking disgusted at Mr.PocketBitch. (he's quite raunchy)
Naturally, to keep the meaningless banter going, i asked what they had purchased.
..and they said they had just bought birthday presents for a REALLY good friend of MissBusiness.

Of course that led to the talk of the party, theme, etc.. and Miss Business realized that she had not been invited.
Hm.
So we talk about it all the way home from the mall,
She's talking all quiet and mousy (which REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS, i might add)
wondering why no one likes her,
BLAH BLAH.
So i called her out on her shit.

I said you need to pull your shit together,
stop crying,
and talk to (we'll call her Miz JK) Miz JK and figure it out.
call her out on her shit,
and see what the fuck is going on!"

She just sits there,
pouting on the couch,
telling me to ignor that she's upset.

I already offered my condolences
I already offered my advice,
If you're not going to do anything about the sitch,
you have NO right to be upset, right?

..However i do note that it was REALLY fucked up of Miz Jk not to invite her
(or ME for that matter)

Whatever, They're Just Jealous That I'm Hot, And They're NOT.
Matty B.

Will I Loose My Dignity?

Love is a funny thing.
I'm not just talking about love for a partner, but love for your family.
I stood before the courts today, with all my ducks in a row.
Defiant, well rested, and ready.
I BREATHED victory.
...After the judge rejected my mother's [pathetic] attempt to relinquish her [own] parental rights,
And declared that living on my own was CLEARLY more beneficial than living with her,
It dawned on me.
I had won.
MONTHS of waiting,
MONTHS of pain,
MONTHS of anticipation,
MONTHS of anxiety,
MONTHS of depression..

...All were supposed to end that very day.
But after Judge Cole delcared to my mother [and the courtroom] that her excessive drug use in the past had led me to become the person i am today,
And watching my own mother cry after she had lost a battle she started..
It made me think.
It made me step outside of myself, and ponder.
But most of all it made me ANGRY.

How DARE she try to take away my moment of glory,
my moment of PURE SUCCESS
with her angish and her tears?!

How DARE she cry in front of all those people today,
and not even recognize the years of pain and suffering she's caused me.

How DARE she tell the courts she was working 3 jobs just so that she can support her family,
when SHE was the one doing meth, and shooting up heroine?!

Who the FUCK does she think she is to make me feel bad for HER,
When she knew i was STARVING myself because:
A.) She tells me I 'm fat, and
B.) I don't have any money
..And she refused to pay the child support that she was court ordered to.

Where's my tony, huh?
All I have to show for this relationship is the skin that is hanging off my bones,
and a decision that I am to never see my mother again.

It's funny how history repeats it's self.

... neither one of my uncles talk to my grandma, because she was such a terrible parent.
Uncle Chef hasn't talked to her in OVER a decade.
Uncle Military [Who's a dumb asshole] spoke to her for the first time in over 6 years.

Hm.
What I DO KNOW, is that when i'm redy to have children,
I'm going to love them,
and give them everything i have to offer,
and help them appreciate that.

Because i hear,
Sometimes..

Parents love their children.

Guess LOVE isn't a "Monahan" trait..
because from history, it's definatly not in out genes.

Will I Wake Tomorrow, From This Nightmare?

Don't Let The Land Slide Bring You Down.

I Woke Up Just Now.
The Dixie Chicks were preforming live in my bathroom,
and softly, they caressed me awake, while Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenowith warmed up for their live debut,
VIA my Shower.

So here I am,
And i have a really good feeling.
*knocks on wood*
I think that today will go well.

Hopefully, this will be my LAST court date,
with this custody battle with my mother.

God,
What A 3RD REICHT.

This is a Story of a Girl...
Matty B.

Cowboy, Take Me Away


That Pretty Much Sums It Up

♥

I said I want to touch the earth...

Matty B.

Like I Cut The Legs Off Of Whales; The Dinosaurs Into Lizards

So i took my first dance class at THE CORE, With ARI AUTTOBO today.
The hardest Hip-Hop class you can take there.

I danced so hard,
i felt vomitous.


...But it was like orgasming through my mind.
onto the dancefloor,
through my pores.

It was beautiful and amazing.

Can't wait until next week.
And If We Don't Behave...
Matty B.

You Can't Cover That With Make-Up

Let's have a little bit of a re-cap of last night's endevours:

Well call Mr.OK to see if he wants to hang out with us.
And he does.
...So we pick him up, and we inform him that we're going to go on a fear mission at a local cemetary.
I made an absolute fool of myself, because i was having the hardest time getting over this fence, because my feet were so big, my flip flops were gettinig caught in the bars.

So that cemetery was lame, so we all went back to my house to find some freaky things to go do.
We finally find this website about the LAFAYETTE CEMTARY and how some people recorded EVPS there.

Listen To The EVP's

So we all went.. with a few drinks, and some smokes.
End of the story?
Mr.OK and Miss Business are clinging both to my arms as if I COUDL POSSIBLY DO SOMETHING.
but it made me feel butch.

I was totally creeped out.

So we came home
(not before stopping at the Olde Louisville Cemetery)
and Miss Business Helped me clean for my Social Worker interview i had today at my house.
(which went VERY well)

But we go up to my room,
i make Miss. Business sleep in the guest room,
and i tell him how glad i was he came over.
He smiles,
and we cuddle all night long.

[___________________insert something clever here____________________}
Matty B.

Honest Hour

Matty B.: tell me something hoest about me, i can take it >:D
Mr.Anaconda: You have good hair.
Mr.Anaconda: And your tall.
Matty B: oh come on. :(
Mr.Anaconda: You are good with words, especially when you hate someone.

Do we have to put them down TOWN?!
Matty B.

Rewind, Repeat.

I went on another date with Mr.OK today.
..Eventhough i was still exhausted from last night's mid-night rendez-vous.

So, We met up a Luciles on Pearl Street.
It is the cutest little New Orleans/French Louisianian breakfast nook in the whole state.. Which is why i was surprised that he had been there before. Hm.
Well we met at noon,
And sat outside on the patio, and ate.
I had a beigniette, he had the 4 cheese omlette.
But he paid. Hm..

We had fantastic conversation while he finished his coke, and i finished my iced coffee (which we didn't have to pay for, because our incapable waitress kept forgetting about us, and apprently she felt bad.. however, we didn't feel bad about giving her a less than generous tip).

After we were finished, we mosied around Pearl Street, smoked, mosied, smoked, smoked, mosied, then laid in the grass in front of the court house; talking and laughing.

So i get a call from MissBillbong, telling me to visit her at..well.. Billabong. Plus, she really wanted to meet Mr.OK, after hearing so much about him.

So we walked, they were introduced (she wasn't wearing a bra) and we all laughed about it. It was overall, pretty good.

Then we went to North Boulder Park?
And what did we do?
Talked and laid in the grass.
To outside bystanders, this seems like mindless drug junkie behavior.
To us, it was pretty much fantastic.

Then something out of the ordinary happened.
He held my hand. Hm...

I kinda felt all giddy like.
..and it didn't even matter that i was ridiculously uncomfortable, in the position i was lying in.

So we go back to his place, and he kisses me goodbye,
(in a style Clarke Gabel would admire)
.. and the best part is,
is that it felt like he'd been wanting to do it for a while.
That there was a thought process..

I dunno.
I always overanalyze everything.

But i'll being seeing him again tonight, hopefully.
he said he'd call around 11.

If i could wrap it all up in one word it would be...


yay.

Tell Me A Fabel.
Matty B.

This is the place where you face your desires and fears

Tonight.
He kissed me.


Full on.


It was... unexplainable.

Every suite casts it's own spells...
Matty B.

BOUNDARIES
I'm Hating You, Lately.



My New Plastic Picture.
Learn it, love it, live it.

So my roommates are leaving to go to Hawaii.
I SO jealous.
Oh well, at least ill have th house to myself?
Perhaps I'll throw a party or something.

I'm SO excited to be kickin' it with Kate Moss tomorrow, after i make some money.
i figure, if my face is as numb as my heart,
I won't have to think about it, right?

I'm excited to see Mr. OK again.
We're going to go to Lucilles for a 12 noon, Breakfast rendez-vous.
He makes me laugh.
Oh yeah,
He's gorgeous.

I take my meals off mirrors
Matty B.

Who Can Say.. If I've Been Changed For The Better?

So I had it out with Mr.[Not So] Perfect today.
Apparently i'm an asshole, and the only thing i cause him, is greif.
FANTASTIC. :'(

So i think that this VERY post will be the last that we hear of Mr. [Not So] Perfect.
*leans back and thinks*

Times are shitty, but they can't get worse, right? *knocks on wood*

I think that right now would be a good time to write some good things that happened in the duration of our relationship..
* Valentines Day: at Spice China
* One month anniversary.
* Playing Strip Padiddle as one of our first dates
* Going to the Grizzley Rose, and shoving the fact that we were there in Courtney' face. [too bad she was right all along]
* Taking his virginity.
* After "Rave on the Hill" going over to his house, sneaking in, and sleeping in his room.. until like 5am, and then leaving before his parents got home.
* Giving him head on Moon Rock
* Sleeping in his arms on gradutaion.

I guess it wasn't all bad.
He might have broken my heart,
But i don't regret, i learn.

I just hav to remember,
I don't regret, i learn.
i don;t regret, i learn.
I don't regret, i Learn.

*pauses*

I think i'm better, now.
I think I've moved on.

Nope, that's not the feeling of me moving on, that the feeling of me not wanting to kill myself anymore.
Hm.

FIN
Matty B.

Picture The Scene.

Today was a vapid day.
I hadn't been home in days.
I was exhausted.
I was short and blunt.. on edge almost.

But i've been home for a while now,
things are settling down,
And I've put on my plastic face, and I'm ready to hit the bar.

Woot.


Me right before I got hit my a Ford Escort:


Me after a long monotonous day:


I didn't get to see Mr.OK today.
He sent me a message, explaining how bummed out he was that we couldn't kick it.
But he wants to get together tomorrow.

If i could feel things, I'd feel happy.

Two Of Hearts
Matty B.

CRAWL INTO THE SPEAKERS




This is how i felt this morning.
Tacky 1980's Electroclash, and ALL

Welcome to my life.


Turn Me On
Matty B.

You Say... There's No Place You'd Rather Be, When You're Lying Next To Me

I watched the hills have eyes tonight.
That FUCKED MY SHIT UP.
And then i spent all of my money on food and ciggs and crap.
Whatever, i'll just work some more... I mean, I do get paid on Friday.

~

So I'm thinking of getting extensions.
Hm...
I WANT them.

REAL BAD.
..I'll prolly go Platnum and Black.
Woot!

~

Finally,
I bought those pink breifs from American Apparel that i've been dying for.
They're a little snug,
but i can work it.

I Say, There's No Face I'd Rather See, When You'er Lying Next To Me.
Matty B.

You Make Me Nervous, Nervous, Nervous.

So i've been on two.. "dates" with Mr.OK, and things are definatly going good.
1.) He's totally gorgeous
2.) He's Not an asshole
3.) He's really nice
4.) He wants to know more about me... He actually asks me questions (like what i want to do with my life.)
5.) He wants to hang out with me. Which is reassuring.
6.) And he actually talks to me. Hm.. who would have thought that boys could do that.

I don't know. I get a very good feeling with him, despite his baggage with his X from hell. (there was a hair-chopping instance... We don't talk about it LOL) Overall, he impresses me. I mean, i figured after our first date (where i was VERY underdressed, wearing a Debbie Harry T and torn jeans with a studded belt) he wouldn't call me.
But..

He did.
and then after hanging out yesterday,
he messaged me.

I guess that younger people can surprise you.
I guess that there are other people my age, that have grown up a little, and my faith in "the gays" has been restored slightly.

But we'll have to see where this goes.
I'm not jumping the gun.
[Shiny Toy, or not ;) ]

Hella Hella Hella Nervous, Nervous, Nervous!
Matty B.

There Are Things That Suck, But That Makes The Good All That Much Better

After talking to Miss. Moving, it's been decided that love isn't a nessesity of life.
It's just a perk.

I think that i can honestly say that some of the best moments in my life have definatly been when I WASN'T in love.
Given, I've only been in love once, so the whole Love-Not in love factor are quite overwhelming in comparison. However, in the past year, before i had met Mr.[Not So] Perfect, I had come to terms with the fact that I was the only person that I could count on.
Which was comforting.
However, in the begining of my "loving" relationship, things were emotionally amazing, while when I was at peace with myself, my life was physically and professionally amazing.
They are two VERY different kinds of amazing, which is the kicker.
So, the question is:
Is it better to be in love, and appreciate the fact that you are in a place in your life to be dependant on someone physically and emotionally, or is it better to be in "love" with yourself, and live a life where you are comfortable to depend on no one but yourself?

This has been a question that i have been battling to form in my head for about 6 weeks now, and finally, now that it's down in internet history, i think i can start to answer that question.
I have been desperatly seeking answers and trying to solve the puzzle that is, Mr.[Not So]Perfect.

And I came to the realization:
He's a child.
I was in love with a child.
Here I was, independant financially, independant emotionally, free from all baggage (with the exception of my family, but i know PLEANTY of GROWN ADULTS who can carry around that baggage their entire lives, and live "happily), and loving my life. I was the icon of young adulthood.

Then I met an 18 going on 5 year-old boy.
Dependant on his family emotionally, financially, and had more than enough "baggage" for his tiny little 5 year-old arms to carry. He was a sad, depressed, child.

..And I didn't know that i was acting as an emotional pedophile.

So after developing this news, i think that i need to stop asking all these "adult questions":

"Why don't you want me anymore?"
"Was it because I gained weight?"
"Do i talk too much?"
"Am I not attractive enough?"

When in reality, children don't care about your weight, how you look, or whether or not you talk a lot.

The real problem was this:
He was being overwhelmed.
The only love he knew was the love from his parents.
... And when another boy loves you, and wants to spend his life by your side,
you naturally freak out.

The lack of sex doesn't bother him.
I don't think he enjoyed it anyways.
It was like... he was BORED or something.
..which usually is an ego killer.
However, in his case, it wasn't.
Nothing turned him on. Nothing. And even if somethign did, he wouldn't even make the slightest notion that he liked it. Only a few times did he enjoy something a lot, and that's when he pulled my mouth off his dick.
Hm.

So I emtionally raped a 5 year-old.
Congrats to me.
I've become an emotional pedophile.

But that's nothing in comparision to our Choir Teacher,
who is a REAL pedophile,
and is now [No Doubtedly] bottoming for Mr.[Not So]Perfect.
Who [both] have claimed to have feelings for eachother for quite sometime.
But that's another puzzle,
for another rainy day.

I guess the point of the story is..
I gave my heart to an emotional toddler.
What do toddlers do?

THEY BREAK SHIT.

Sherlock Got Laid, AGAIN
Matty B.

On A Mountain, This Morning.

Most people expect something, and then freak out when it's totall different.
At times, I can be one of those people.
But other times, I am happily surprized how they come out.

I was both those people tonight.

Act I: A Start of a New Era

I woke up at 9:30am.
Showered, left at 10:00am.
I was 15 minutes late for work, but made up for it by bringing Mr.DevilWearsPrada some raspberry iced tea.
He was pleased.
At noon, I found myself running around the mall bumping into people that I hate, that in return hate me.
So we hugged, kissed, and pretended that we would do lunch sometime.
After sucking down a ciggarette, and getting akward glances from "straight" men,
I hustle inside, and finish off my work day.
Mr.DWP was VERY pleased that i brought him another Iced Tea,
and that i had made my $400.00 goal of the day. (And then some)
Husteled home, grabbed some clothes,
and ran to Miss.Moving's to clean her car, for some insant money.
It was filthy. But a girls gotta do...
Dropped me off at Pearl where i visited a FABULOUS FRIEND at Billabong.

Act II : First Incounter
Mr.OK was 20 minutes late.
He looked like urban cowboy fierce.
(i noticed he wasn't wearing underwear)
I was WAY underdressed, and self consious about it for the rest of the night.
We ate at Hapa; I paid, because i felt it nessesary because i wanted him to try this sushi.
We then smoked and talked... He is an interesting character.
I learned that he has a LOT of emotional baggage.
Maybe he just needs a friend?
Maybe he just needs to get laid.
Hm.
Anyways, we ran into [more than a] couple of my old friends, that i used to go to school with/ dance with, back in the day.
I saw a weird look on his face.
Hm.
We continue to head towards the Trident, where one of my favorite teachers (Photo) was showing his work of and with local GLBTQ teens.
I thought that it would show a more.. tasteful side of me.
We made a 30 minute appearance, had some pictures taken of us, then left.
For the next 2 1/2 hours we just wandered Pearl, talked, laughed, got coffee, etc.
then it rained.
and rained.
and rained.
I had no sweater.
It was VERY windy.
since his cousin had blown us off (no puns, PLZ!)
we just sat in the rain and talked.
EXCEPT.
He made no move.
Nothing.
He didn't even touch me.
Not even during pictures.
I felt very ugly next to this VERY cute boy.
However, it seemed like he had no interest in me.
Which is NEW for me.
It was about 10:15pm when i walked him to the B-word stop.
I waited with him until his bB-word came,
Gave him a hug (which i found akward, and unsettling) and he got on the bus.
..But not before telling me he wanted to get together tomorrow afternoon, after he works.
.. and giving me his house number.
Mixed signals?
I think So.

[[Intermission]]

Act III: Walk of Shame

It rained me until i was soaked.
I was running back from Woody's, to catch my bus, When..
A ford escort sideswiped me, and knocked me on my ass.
Frazzled, and confused that i had just been hit by a FUCKING CAR when i still had 11 seconds until my red hand stopped flashing,
I got up.
And pulled together what was left of my dignity,
picked up my bag, and went to the bathroom to use the blow dryer to dry myself.
11:04pm i get on the bus. ( After the attack on the Vehicle, i've earned the right to use the B-word at this point)
11:34 I'm walking home in the rain,
and a cop drives by, and soaks me in a huge wave of water.
Drenching me, head to toe.
I choked on street water.
Faccionable.

i get home.
drop my shit.
run upstair,
and let out my rage for the world in a hot shower.

What A FUCKING day.

Midnight showers, Painful hours
Matty B.

Rewind Then Press Play

"You say.
There's not place you'd rather be.
When you're lying next to me.

I say.
There's no one i'd rather see,
when you're lying to me.

You say.
that you never want to go
when you're lying next to me

I say.
That i want to take it slow.
when you're lying next to me.

Plastic Stars.
In our plastic galaxy."

-Freeze Pop

So I have a date tomorrow night with.. let's call him Mr.Oklahoma.
So Mr.OK and i have been talking on and off for a few weeks now,
VIA Myspace.
We've had a few opprotunities to meet eachother,
but something has always come up..
I don't worry about it, because the plans have never been concrete.

But tomorrow, we're getting Sushi at Hapa tomorrow at 6pm.
Hm.. i wonder what it'll be like.

However if i could give myself advice, it would be this.

1.) Look firece.
2.) Play to your strengths: Be funny, be cute.
3.) Offer to pay the bill.
4.) Avoid talking: you sound like a queer.
5.) Draw attention to your mouth and hair. Those are your best attributes.
6.) Do your "slight" smiles.
7.) Avoid the subject of your family. If it comes up, claim your entire family died except your brothers.
8.) Stare into his eyes when he tells you a personal story.
9.) Let him lean in first.
10.) Use Protection.

If i could offer him advice, it would be this.
1.) Look fierce. If you're wearing sweatpants, i'm walking out.
2.) Brush your teeth. And bring gum.
3.) Pay for the meal. I don't eat much, so embrace the fact that i am.
4.) Smile.
5.) don't be afraid to touch me.
6.) Make the first move. Or give me signs that i should make the first move.
7.) Wear Cologne.
8.) Don't ask me if i'm tight. That's tacky.
9.) Tell me I'm beautiful. And skinny. I'm very conceded
10.) Be honest.

My sunglasses match the cocaine tray.. I'm SO LA
Matty B.

Gonna Get You Bitch! Gonna Get You... BITCH!

People are funny sometimes.
I think that my biggest feat with men, is that everyone is so... CLOSED.

seriously, if a man is going to take you out, but be closed to you emotionally,
they should have a sign hung around their neck saying:
"Caution!
Emotionally Unavailable!"

I seriously find the most beautiful perfect men, and i always later find out that all they want is to fuck me.
Or worse, after we're finished, they always stare into my eyes, as if they are trying to figure me out.

Well here I am, in a few sort statements:

I'm adorable. Not sexy, not hot, cute and adorable.
I'm poor.. and considering you're the one fucking me, you get to pay for dinner.. otherwise, i'm not going to be hungry.
I'm emotionally available to people who don't give me bullshit.
I will be the most amazing person, if you let me.
Oh yeah... I'm a GREAT fuck, but i'm even better at making love.


Simple.
I wish people could have little blurgs like that.
maybe 'll start making t-shirts.. with whats good and bad about you.
then everyone can wear them around, and i'l know who's personality I can deal with, and who i should just avoid completely.

just tell me if i need to avoid you, or if i'm going to love you.
tell me if you want ME, or just my body.
that simple.

What can I say?
I lead a "simple life"

reference anyone?
... damn i'd better eat a cube of cheese.

Love Ya bitch
Matty B.

How to be Mr.Perfect [REVISED AND REVISITED]

!.) Don't lie.
It's that simple. be forethcoming with information.. because if you don't tell us, you're lying by omission.

2.) If you fuck me, buy me dinner.
Whether you know it or not, it hurts. Yes i enjoy it, but what would help heal, ould be a pancake.

3.) Tell me you love me first.
..and if you don't love me, don't lie and say you do.

4.)Be spontanious. EASY.
Buy me a surprise gift. Show up unexpected. Leave me a cute note on my door.

5.) Tell me i'm beautiful.
..even if i'm not.

I know we'll make it if we try
Matty B.

Fuck Independance


some pics





Fuck You
Fuck Me.


So i Have been watching sex and the city,
and it's true.

I want to be saved.
I that too much to ask?
I've been on a few dates..

ad considering i eat like, NOTHING, offering (and or paying) for the nothign that i eat, is a really, REALLY big gesture.
i mean christ, i get paid nothing to do what i love.
and i eat nothing.
you shoudl support it.

someone does. and he knows i love him for it.

I've had 4 martini's...and i'm working on my 5th.
hot.

i can't even walk...
and i just ripped my new superman ubderwear (size 8 in little boys)
i can't breathe in them, but it makes y ass look hot.

<33

god i am SO fucking alone.
seriously... although i am going to sound so emo cliche' and ridiculous liek a pillowcase...
no one understands me.

i just want... LOVE. and i ant to be able to love that person back.


I'm ahting you lately.
Myspace
Fuck
rewind, then press play.

ToyBoz, robots in disguise.. [you want to fuck me]

Matty, Why Are You Such A Cunt?

Well sweetheart, that's because I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, and I am more than happy to tell them what i REALLY think about them.

Sorry Mr.Clingy, and Mr.Meth. You should have broken up.
You lifestyle makes me sick.


You know you want this
Matty B.

Little High, Little Low

So Miss Moving had a little talk with me today.
About Mr. [Not So] Perfect,
About Smoking,
And about my poor eating habits.

Recently, there has been a common theme in my life.
EVERYONE i know, has been commmenting, gossiping, and flat out lying about my being anorexic (and/or) bulemic.
Let's just get a few things clear.

One, I'm not BULEMIC. I HATE throwing up. When I throw up, it makes me want to slit my wrists. Seriously, I REFUSE to throw up. It really hurts my throat, it ruins my teeth, and i'm LOUD when i do it. so you would KNOW if i did.

Two, If you have problems with me, bring it to my attention. I realize that any publicity is good publicity, but CHRIST, until i'm on E!, talk your shit to my face, not behind my back.

Three, I'm not anorexic, I'm poor. I seriously don't make shit money selling men's and women's shoes, and accessories. I can barely pay my bill, much less buy food. SO FUCK OFF.

And finally, it's not against the law to be skinny. So what? I like being being skinner than my friends. That was a lie, i LOVE being the skinniest person in the fucking room.

Love me for it.
Hate me for it.

Either way, i'm not changing.
Because I'm FABULOUS.

I may be hungry, but i look GOOD
Matty B.