"PUNKBITCH. I've Seen It Before. PUNKBITCH. And I Don't Care Anymore."
I have had very interesting conversations over the past 48 hours. After Sean and Jonathan's actions were revealed through my blog, i received many emails that were very unexpected. I received praise for saying what no one else would, because they were too intimidated by Sean. That's right, I'm not going to walk around a pretend that he doesn't have any influence on people. Clearly he has SOME impact on me, otherwise, why would i vent and tell everyone what kind of person he is.
I thought that i would receive slews of hate mail from gays all over Denver, because of all of the threatening text messages and hateful comments Jonathan has left on my profile... when in reality not only have i been applauded, but i have been called an "inspiration to all". I was prepared for some kind of reaction from them, because they are SELF PROCLAIMED as Denver's "it" kids. It has become quite apparent that that is not true. Not only are they not the "it kids" that they claim to be, but they are in fact very disliked by many. All day i kind of felt bad for them after writing the blog that sparked all the mail from boys around Denver, proclaiming their distaste for both Sean and Jonathan. But then, i received this text message from Jonathan (misspellings, grammar flaws, and all):
"I like how your friend called me just about 50 times yesterday. Threatening me. Like really? Your little brigade of haters needs to stop. i didn't do anything to you... i didn't do anything to deserve this."
I responded: "I agree that my friend calling you is too much, and immature. Tell me who it is and i will tell them to stop. I have never acted out on you. all i did was report the truth of what you both did."
"I wrote my own blog. yes you have acted out. This is ridiculous. You're pathetic. why are you doing this?"
I responded: "I'm doing this so that you learn to NEVER treat anyone like this again."
Usually my hurt is misread as anger. I give a lot to my friends, and invest a lot into my relationships, and i think that it would hurt ANYONE to have one end so abruptly over something so vapid. the worst feeling in the world is realizing that you care more about someone, than they care about you. I cannot describe with the deepest sincerity, the feeling of sorrow i had, when Sean decided I was a worthless to him, and then again, when my proclaimed "best friend" Jonathan Lockwood, not only lied to his boyfriend to prolong his relationship, but then turned around the following day (after crying on the phone with me the previous night begging me for my continued friendship) and made up lies about me, talked shit, to my friends, and people that i know.
Jonathan continually claims that he has done nothing to me, and that I'm heartless, and claims that all he did was be my friend, while they have both written blogs calling me " pathetic, a tranny, fat and disgusting", accusing me of "wearing King Soopers make up", and said I'm the type of person that would "serve them their Pelligrino".
Lets get something straight. I created my life, and who i am, without the help of ANYONE. I moved out at the age of 15, and started my adult life. Yes, i don't own fancy sports cars, but I'm hard working, genuine, and always honest. if i wasn't, i wouldn't be where i am today. i wouldn't have the values i have today. No amount of money can buy my life experiences that have made me the gracious, appreciative, beautiful person i am today. I have yet to lash out at either of them, and if i wanted to, i could open my mouth, say and do, some very hurtful unnecessary things. however, that's not my style. I told Jonathan that i am the LAST person to fuck with. He knows that, now.
You can call me names, and spread lies about me, and try and look down on me, because i don't get a monthly stipend from my parents, but it's mindless babble. it's worthless, because it's all vapid lies.
How can you hurt someone who is always honest?
How can you spill the darkest secrets of someone who has no secrets?
I am so fortunate to know the people that i know today, because they see me as the sincere person i am.
How do people look at you, Sean and Jonathan? What do they think when you're referenced? I have an inbox full of things that they say and think, but as a true gentleman, i will keep that to myself. I don't need to plague my life with lies and embellishments. Maybe one day you'll do the same.
Beautiful
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
We Fight, We Break Up; We Kiss, We Make Up
He said he was SO sorry. he didn't want to loose me as a friend. He called me crying, begging me to just lie to his boyfriend, and tell him that i was wrong, and that i was sorry. he wanted SO bad for me to take the blame for his obsessive compulsive behavior, so that he would be in the clear. Well, unfortunately for Jonathan, i was honest, and kind to both him and his boyfriend, and apparently that makes me a bad friend... when i was only doing what i was asked: to be honest. I'm sorry, but i won't compromise myself.
I was drinking a diet Coke with lime, at Lime, when i first tasted blood in the water. There were two Great White Sharks, and two baby sharks sitting at this dinner table. Naturally, there were harmless guppies flocked around, but they were harmless.; meaningless, and added almost nothing to the social environment.
Sean and I were the only ones who posed any real threat in that particular pool of gay boys... or so he thinks. I looked back and forth intrigued between the bickering baby sharks Josh Scott, and Jonathan Lockwood. I glanced up to see Sean wide eyed and hungry, not smiling, but showing his teeth, as he watched his boyfriend of the moment snap viciously at Josh Scott, about boys, weight, or some shallow bullshit to that degree. I almost laughed out loud when i saw how excited Sean was for this little bit of action. His skin was shiny with sweat, as he secretly begged for a brawl.
But even he knew that nothing would happen with me sitting there, because I would protect Josh Scott from any overtly inappropriate behavior. This was Josh's first outing with all of us, and his first time meeting Sean. There would be no cat fight because it would be in bad taste. Not only that, but neither Sean nor Jonathan would be a match for me. it would hardly be fair. I have extensive experience with boys with sharp teeth and a watered down wit. i was more than prepared for anything these boys might have up their sneaky little sleeves. But like polite little boys, they held back and we all sat there smiling, Sean and I bearing our teeth, pretending that we were having a wonderful time, while we prepared ourselves for the bigger sea: Thursday night at Tracks.
Jonathan was always wildly obsessed with knowing the exact whereabouts of his boyfriend Sean, and everything that could possibly relate to him: where he was, what he was doing, who he was talking to, and who he was texting. Jonathan and Sean frequently fight over how much Sean lies about... well, everything. So naturally, it's always a show to go out with the both of them. Because Jonathan is so insecure with himself and his relationship with his "womanizer boyfriend" (as described by multiple boys who have reflected to me about the end of their relationship with Sean), he is always loosing his mind the second he looses sight of his boyfriend. Frankly, it's exhausting to even think about trying to keep up with their plethora of problems.
It's always the same scene, as if it's a broken record, skipping over the same crack in the relationship, over and over again . after about an hour of Jonathan's panicked, teary, wide-eyed expression at every boy that Sean glanced at, i started to feel the boredom and pity set in. Jonathan could be a really great guy, and i honestly wish he didn't feel such intense insecurity. I think that part of his problem, is letting Sean dictate everything about his life: what he can wear, which friends he can talk to, where can go... Jonathan thinks that just because Sean controls Jonathan's life, buy buying him clothes he's "allowed" to wear, makeup he's "supposed" to wear, that Jonathan has the right to do the same to Sean. Boy is he wrong. The power is all in Sean's hands... and he publicly uses and abuses that power.
Luckily for me, I had many distractions from Sean and Jonathan's slow motion train wreck. it was Josh Scott's first time to Tracks (he used to "date" one of the bouncers, so he was admitted without an ID). You see, he has this terrible habit of talking nonsense gossip about people he thinks that he'll never meet, when in fact, many of them were at Tracks that evening... Thus resulting in yet another eventful, melodramatic night.
Hours later, i could finally breathe easy. as i pressed the gas down, i exhaled deeply, smiling to myself. i had survived another night, unscathed. as usual, i escaped before the lights came on; pouring over the sea of boys, drowning in their own drama. Little did i know, that my safety was going to be short lived.
***
Not two days later, we were back listening to the same broken record. except this time, Jonathan (who lives with his parents and had an 11 o'clock curfew) was at home, and trying to map out his boyfriend's every move VIA text messages. Between 8:30PM and 12:30AM, i received 27 text messages that consisted of either "Is he cheating on me, Matty? What should i do?" or "Have you talked to him yet? Who is he with? He's lying to me!" or something to that desperate degree. I'm not one to rat out a friend of mine to another friend, so i told him every time, "He's not with me. if you want to know who your boyfriend is with, and what your boyfriend is doing, then you text your boyfriend to find out."
about thirty minutes later, Josh and I decided to go have a glass of wine with Sean's best friend Kipp, who had been at the club with him. after we get together with Kipp, i received a text from Jonathan demanding if Sean was with us. I simply, innocently replied with the very little information i had: "No he's not. i guess the straight boy was threatening to move back to Florida (a friend of his that he had met at the bar the previous week), and Sean went over to his apartment to deal with it."
THAT IS WHEN THE FUSE LIT.
Apparently Sean lied to Jonathan where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing... as usual. I don't know exactly what the details are, and frankly i don't really care. All i do know, is that I stabbed Sean in the back, according to Sean. How i did that, I'm not quite sure. In fact, i asked his best friend Kipp how i did, and he swore to me that he was on my side, that i did nothing wrong, and he was just being drunk and acting a fool.
As the evening of wine continued with Kipp and his fag hag, Kipp started receiving multiple text messages from Sean, telling him to "keep me there." and that he was "coming over immediately". i think that he meant to seem menacing, but moments after he arrived, he was just appeared shiny and drunk... and it seemed that he didn't even realize i was there. Sean claims to love confrontation, but doesn't have the spine or attention span to actually initiate anything in person.
For instance, just two days ago, he was left alone with Josh Scott while we were smoking outside at Lime. everybody knows that Josh Scott was talking shit about Sean to Jonathan, fueling Jonathan's wild anxiety. However, while i was enjoying a cigarette and the company of our other guests outside on the deck, all Sean did was vapidly fill the silence with mindless chatter, as Josh Scott sweat out the awkward conversation, until we all returned. after Sean revealed to me later, that he had been waiting for Josh Scott to ignite a feud, during their alone time together, it became very clear to me what kind of person he was. Rather than a wolf in sheep's clothing waiting to attack, it was the opposite. He was a sheep inside a (very expensive) lion's wolf's clothing.
After about thirty minutes of Sean avoiding eye contact with me, and what felt like an eternity of his breeder boyfriend ranting about what an amazing president George Bush was, i finally decided that i was wasting my time, and that i was going to leave. I locked my gaze with Josh Scott, and we wordlessly agreed to make our exit. The last thing i remember from that evening was Sean trying to deal with breeder boy's inane republican monologue. I laughed at him as I left. Kipp was accused me of leaving because i was "uncomfortable", when in reality i was just bored at the anticlimactic evening. i thought that Sean was a worthy advisory, when in fact, he was a sheepish as his boyfriend.
It was then, when i realized how much i didn't care about my relationship with Sean. Yes, he has money, and cars, and is thin, with beautiful skin. But what does he REALLY have, that his money can't buy? At the end of the day, he's a sad, bored, scared, little boy who thinks that by controlling his friends and his boyfriend, he can create this "perfect" world, where the only people that get hurt, are the one's of his choosing. Well, that only works if you buy into his reality (pun intended). if you don't care, and see it for what it is, then it meaningless. I wish him good luck with his bubble.
... it's just I'm just not going to support someone who lies and cheats on their boyfriend (who happened to be a good friend of mine at the time), and thinks that it's okay. The fact that Jonathan chooses to be with someone like that, is flabbergasting. i thought that Jonathan had more self worth than that. it just breaks my heart to see Sean take advantage of someone who is clearly weaker than him. i can't support someone like that... I can't be friends with another Jimmy or Trev. it's poision.
He said he was SO sorry. he didn't want to loose me as a friend. He called me crying, begging me to just lie to his boyfriend, and tell him that i was wrong, and that i was sorry. he wanted SO bad for me to take the blame for his obsessive compulsive behavior, so that he would be in the clear. Well, unfortunately for Jonathan, i was honest, and kind to both him and his boyfriend, and apparently that makes me a bad friend... when i was only doing what i was asked: to be honest. I'm sorry, but i won't compromise myself.
I was drinking a diet Coke with lime, at Lime, when i first tasted blood in the water. There were two Great White Sharks, and two baby sharks sitting at this dinner table. Naturally, there were harmless guppies flocked around, but they were harmless.; meaningless, and added almost nothing to the social environment.
Sean and I were the only ones who posed any real threat in that particular pool of gay boys... or so he thinks. I looked back and forth intrigued between the bickering baby sharks Josh Scott, and Jonathan Lockwood. I glanced up to see Sean wide eyed and hungry, not smiling, but showing his teeth, as he watched his boyfriend of the moment snap viciously at Josh Scott, about boys, weight, or some shallow bullshit to that degree. I almost laughed out loud when i saw how excited Sean was for this little bit of action. His skin was shiny with sweat, as he secretly begged for a brawl.
But even he knew that nothing would happen with me sitting there, because I would protect Josh Scott from any overtly inappropriate behavior. This was Josh's first outing with all of us, and his first time meeting Sean. There would be no cat fight because it would be in bad taste. Not only that, but neither Sean nor Jonathan would be a match for me. it would hardly be fair. I have extensive experience with boys with sharp teeth and a watered down wit. i was more than prepared for anything these boys might have up their sneaky little sleeves. But like polite little boys, they held back and we all sat there smiling, Sean and I bearing our teeth, pretending that we were having a wonderful time, while we prepared ourselves for the bigger sea: Thursday night at Tracks.
Jonathan was always wildly obsessed with knowing the exact whereabouts of his boyfriend Sean, and everything that could possibly relate to him: where he was, what he was doing, who he was talking to, and who he was texting. Jonathan and Sean frequently fight over how much Sean lies about... well, everything. So naturally, it's always a show to go out with the both of them. Because Jonathan is so insecure with himself and his relationship with his "womanizer boyfriend" (as described by multiple boys who have reflected to me about the end of their relationship with Sean), he is always loosing his mind the second he looses sight of his boyfriend. Frankly, it's exhausting to even think about trying to keep up with their plethora of problems.
It's always the same scene, as if it's a broken record, skipping over the same crack in the relationship, over and over again . after about an hour of Jonathan's panicked, teary, wide-eyed expression at every boy that Sean glanced at, i started to feel the boredom and pity set in. Jonathan could be a really great guy, and i honestly wish he didn't feel such intense insecurity. I think that part of his problem, is letting Sean dictate everything about his life: what he can wear, which friends he can talk to, where can go... Jonathan thinks that just because Sean controls Jonathan's life, buy buying him clothes he's "allowed" to wear, makeup he's "supposed" to wear, that Jonathan has the right to do the same to Sean. Boy is he wrong. The power is all in Sean's hands... and he publicly uses and abuses that power.
Luckily for me, I had many distractions from Sean and Jonathan's slow motion train wreck. it was Josh Scott's first time to Tracks (he used to "date" one of the bouncers, so he was admitted without an ID). You see, he has this terrible habit of talking nonsense gossip about people he thinks that he'll never meet, when in fact, many of them were at Tracks that evening... Thus resulting in yet another eventful, melodramatic night.
Hours later, i could finally breathe easy. as i pressed the gas down, i exhaled deeply, smiling to myself. i had survived another night, unscathed. as usual, i escaped before the lights came on; pouring over the sea of boys, drowning in their own drama. Little did i know, that my safety was going to be short lived.
***
Not two days later, we were back listening to the same broken record. except this time, Jonathan (who lives with his parents and had an 11 o'clock curfew) was at home, and trying to map out his boyfriend's every move VIA text messages. Between 8:30PM and 12:30AM, i received 27 text messages that consisted of either "Is he cheating on me, Matty? What should i do?" or "Have you talked to him yet? Who is he with? He's lying to me!" or something to that desperate degree. I'm not one to rat out a friend of mine to another friend, so i told him every time, "He's not with me. if you want to know who your boyfriend is with, and what your boyfriend is doing, then you text your boyfriend to find out."
about thirty minutes later, Josh and I decided to go have a glass of wine with Sean's best friend Kipp, who had been at the club with him. after we get together with Kipp, i received a text from Jonathan demanding if Sean was with us. I simply, innocently replied with the very little information i had: "No he's not. i guess the straight boy was threatening to move back to Florida (a friend of his that he had met at the bar the previous week), and Sean went over to his apartment to deal with it."
THAT IS WHEN THE FUSE LIT.
Apparently Sean lied to Jonathan where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing... as usual. I don't know exactly what the details are, and frankly i don't really care. All i do know, is that I stabbed Sean in the back, according to Sean. How i did that, I'm not quite sure. In fact, i asked his best friend Kipp how i did, and he swore to me that he was on my side, that i did nothing wrong, and he was just being drunk and acting a fool.
As the evening of wine continued with Kipp and his fag hag, Kipp started receiving multiple text messages from Sean, telling him to "keep me there." and that he was "coming over immediately". i think that he meant to seem menacing, but moments after he arrived, he was just appeared shiny and drunk... and it seemed that he didn't even realize i was there. Sean claims to love confrontation, but doesn't have the spine or attention span to actually initiate anything in person.
For instance, just two days ago, he was left alone with Josh Scott while we were smoking outside at Lime. everybody knows that Josh Scott was talking shit about Sean to Jonathan, fueling Jonathan's wild anxiety. However, while i was enjoying a cigarette and the company of our other guests outside on the deck, all Sean did was vapidly fill the silence with mindless chatter, as Josh Scott sweat out the awkward conversation, until we all returned. after Sean revealed to me later, that he had been waiting for Josh Scott to ignite a feud, during their alone time together, it became very clear to me what kind of person he was. Rather than a wolf in sheep's clothing waiting to attack, it was the opposite. He was a sheep inside a (very expensive) lion's wolf's clothing.
After about thirty minutes of Sean avoiding eye contact with me, and what felt like an eternity of his breeder boyfriend ranting about what an amazing president George Bush was, i finally decided that i was wasting my time, and that i was going to leave. I locked my gaze with Josh Scott, and we wordlessly agreed to make our exit. The last thing i remember from that evening was Sean trying to deal with breeder boy's inane republican monologue. I laughed at him as I left. Kipp was accused me of leaving because i was "uncomfortable", when in reality i was just bored at the anticlimactic evening. i thought that Sean was a worthy advisory, when in fact, he was a sheepish as his boyfriend.
It was then, when i realized how much i didn't care about my relationship with Sean. Yes, he has money, and cars, and is thin, with beautiful skin. But what does he REALLY have, that his money can't buy? At the end of the day, he's a sad, bored, scared, little boy who thinks that by controlling his friends and his boyfriend, he can create this "perfect" world, where the only people that get hurt, are the one's of his choosing. Well, that only works if you buy into his reality (pun intended). if you don't care, and see it for what it is, then it meaningless. I wish him good luck with his bubble.
... it's just I'm just not going to support someone who lies and cheats on their boyfriend (who happened to be a good friend of mine at the time), and thinks that it's okay. The fact that Jonathan chooses to be with someone like that, is flabbergasting. i thought that Jonathan had more self worth than that. it just breaks my heart to see Sean take advantage of someone who is clearly weaker than him. i can't support someone like that... I can't be friends with another Jimmy or Trev. it's poision.
Monday, February 02, 2009
“Too Little, Too Late-”
The reality of people can be overwhelmingly predictable, and absolutely crushing. One second I’m a “worthless human being who will die alone,” and the next, I do something worth admiration, and every hateful person that I’ve EVER met, wants to be my best frienemy.
I sit here listening to Matt Kollar and the Angry Mob: Farewell Adventure, and I can’t help but to feel a little riled up! For the past week old friends have been coming out of the cracks in my life, pretending that they’re sorry… pretending that they give two shits about me. But of course, they want to be in my “Top 8” on myspace. The worst part is, is that it’s not just one or two people. DOZENS of people have started to read what I write, and see my portfolio, and learn of my life experiences, and now they have realized what they are missing out on.
“Matty. I don’t even know why we’re fighting. I mean, this is SO dumb. You’re off doing all these amazing things… and I just miss the times we had together.”
“Matt- I mean, Matty B., I am so sorry for the way I treated you in middle school. And in high school. And that time I saw you at that party. I shouldn’t have called you all those things.”
“I really miss you. I wish things were how they used to be. I saw your blog about starting over in California then I read all the other ones, and I miss you. Can we work something out?”
“There are special people out there, and you’re one of them. I always knew that about you. I’ve always loved you. Can we go get coffee or something? It was really wrong of me to leave you when I knew you needed someone. I shouldn’t have did or said those things. I’m sorry”
There is nothing harder for me, than sticking to my guns and reiterating to someone that I still do not, and never want to be close to them again. I am a very sentimental person, who is known for keeping movie ticket stubs, backstage passes, and old photographs, because everyday I’m thankful for the opportunities that I have had, as well as the wonderful times that I have had.
That’s where the lines become gray. I have had so many great times, that I try to forget about all of the bad ones… which from almost two decades of repressing bad memories, it’s become second nature. So when an old friend comes back to try and salvage the relationship that they have ruined between us, it’s easy for me to only remember the good. Suddenly, I’m back at square one: used and abused, cursing myself for making the poor decision to invest in an abusive relationship. If anyone really knew the extent of what I have gone through with people who I called my friends; my family, I would be overwhelmingly embarrassed, because I don’t want anyone to really know how bad at judging character I am. People always tell me I’m gullible, when really I just trust people. If someone tells me something, is it that far of a stretch to think that it’s true?
Well, I can’t afford to be that person anymore. My first few experiences in California consisted of meeting tons of amazing new people, from surfers to celebrities, which has proven to me that I am no longer living in a social cul-de-sac. Denver is a small fish bowl filled with sedated Beta fish, just waiting for someone to bump and provoke a civil war. I have been carefully floating, paying close attention to not rub anyone the wrong way (with the exception of extreme cases), in hopes that I’ll make it through alive.
You know what, everyone? You had your chance. You spent the past 15 years of my life making me MISERABLE, and now all of a sudden you care. Well, I forgive you, but we won’t ever be friends again. What can you do to make it up to me? You can treat the people that you currently have in your life with some love and respect. Because I don’t ever want anyone to feel the way I have, growing up. I’ve finally moved on. You should, too. In most cases, I loved what we had, and still love you. But frankly, I love ME more. Please stop pretending you have a heart, and actually figure out a way to grow one… because you’re not only dead on the inside, but you’re dead to me. I should have done this, years ago.
As of recent, I have been scooped from the bowl, and dropped in a pond. Yes, it’s a little dirtier, I have to find my own food, and the size can sometimes be a little daunting, but the opportunities in this new pond are endless! Not only for my career, but socially. There are so many other fish, not to mention other creatures and lifestyles. Plus, there’s the beach, or the mountains, or the city… wine bars, coffee shops, gyms, smoke shops, clubs, bars, concert halls, shopping, theater, opera, restaurants… the list goes on, and I want to experience it all. I’m going to experience it all… with new people in my life. However, on those lonely days, I’ll still have my ticket stubs and old photographs to remember the fish bowl.
Not to mention the very few people I can call my friends. It’s a small group, but they never want anything from me, but my love. And those are the people who I will remember, forever.
Matty Beautiful
The reality of people can be overwhelmingly predictable, and absolutely crushing. One second I’m a “worthless human being who will die alone,” and the next, I do something worth admiration, and every hateful person that I’ve EVER met, wants to be my best frienemy.
I sit here listening to Matt Kollar and the Angry Mob: Farewell Adventure, and I can’t help but to feel a little riled up! For the past week old friends have been coming out of the cracks in my life, pretending that they’re sorry… pretending that they give two shits about me. But of course, they want to be in my “Top 8” on myspace. The worst part is, is that it’s not just one or two people. DOZENS of people have started to read what I write, and see my portfolio, and learn of my life experiences, and now they have realized what they are missing out on.
“Matty. I don’t even know why we’re fighting. I mean, this is SO dumb. You’re off doing all these amazing things… and I just miss the times we had together.”
“Matt- I mean, Matty B., I am so sorry for the way I treated you in middle school. And in high school. And that time I saw you at that party. I shouldn’t have called you all those things.”
“I really miss you. I wish things were how they used to be. I saw your blog about starting over in California then I read all the other ones, and I miss you. Can we work something out?”
“There are special people out there, and you’re one of them. I always knew that about you. I’ve always loved you. Can we go get coffee or something? It was really wrong of me to leave you when I knew you needed someone. I shouldn’t have did or said those things. I’m sorry”
There is nothing harder for me, than sticking to my guns and reiterating to someone that I still do not, and never want to be close to them again. I am a very sentimental person, who is known for keeping movie ticket stubs, backstage passes, and old photographs, because everyday I’m thankful for the opportunities that I have had, as well as the wonderful times that I have had.
That’s where the lines become gray. I have had so many great times, that I try to forget about all of the bad ones… which from almost two decades of repressing bad memories, it’s become second nature. So when an old friend comes back to try and salvage the relationship that they have ruined between us, it’s easy for me to only remember the good. Suddenly, I’m back at square one: used and abused, cursing myself for making the poor decision to invest in an abusive relationship. If anyone really knew the extent of what I have gone through with people who I called my friends; my family, I would be overwhelmingly embarrassed, because I don’t want anyone to really know how bad at judging character I am. People always tell me I’m gullible, when really I just trust people. If someone tells me something, is it that far of a stretch to think that it’s true?
Well, I can’t afford to be that person anymore. My first few experiences in California consisted of meeting tons of amazing new people, from surfers to celebrities, which has proven to me that I am no longer living in a social cul-de-sac. Denver is a small fish bowl filled with sedated Beta fish, just waiting for someone to bump and provoke a civil war. I have been carefully floating, paying close attention to not rub anyone the wrong way (with the exception of extreme cases), in hopes that I’ll make it through alive.
You know what, everyone? You had your chance. You spent the past 15 years of my life making me MISERABLE, and now all of a sudden you care. Well, I forgive you, but we won’t ever be friends again. What can you do to make it up to me? You can treat the people that you currently have in your life with some love and respect. Because I don’t ever want anyone to feel the way I have, growing up. I’ve finally moved on. You should, too. In most cases, I loved what we had, and still love you. But frankly, I love ME more. Please stop pretending you have a heart, and actually figure out a way to grow one… because you’re not only dead on the inside, but you’re dead to me. I should have done this, years ago.
As of recent, I have been scooped from the bowl, and dropped in a pond. Yes, it’s a little dirtier, I have to find my own food, and the size can sometimes be a little daunting, but the opportunities in this new pond are endless! Not only for my career, but socially. There are so many other fish, not to mention other creatures and lifestyles. Plus, there’s the beach, or the mountains, or the city… wine bars, coffee shops, gyms, smoke shops, clubs, bars, concert halls, shopping, theater, opera, restaurants… the list goes on, and I want to experience it all. I’m going to experience it all… with new people in my life. However, on those lonely days, I’ll still have my ticket stubs and old photographs to remember the fish bowl.
Not to mention the very few people I can call my friends. It’s a small group, but they never want anything from me, but my love. And those are the people who I will remember, forever.
Matty Beautiful
“What’s The Name Of The Club? I Can’t Remember. But It’s Alright. Alright. Just Dance.”
The club was so loud that the ringing in my ears almost drowned out the music. I was surrounded by gorgeous, half naked men, breaking it down to Janet Jackson. If you think you’ve been to a nightclub before, you haven’t been to Tiger Heat Thursdays, in Hollywood. It was held at the the Avalon Theater, and was the size of a large concert hall, decked head to toe with VIP’S and beautiful people. Apparently it was the place to be on a Thursday night, and it definitely lived up to it’s reputation.
I wasn’t familiar with the layout of the the Avalon Theater, so I just felt my way out the side door, to enjoy a much deserved cigarette, after a very long set of dancing. I slinked out of a hidden door, and leaned against the cool, black, brick wall. I took a deep breath of the salty Californian air, closed my eyes, and soaked up my surroundings. After a moment or two, I dug into my pocket, attempting to find my cigarettes, and my very elusive lighter. Unsuccessful, I turned to my left, to ask the beautiful blonde woman standing next to me, for a light.
“Do you-“ I started
“Of course honey.” She finished before I could even get the sentence out of my mouth. She was clearly an experienced clubber, judging by her short blue dress, bare legs, and spiked neon blue heels.
She lit my cigarette for me, and said,” You know a lady never lights her own cigarette…”
My face dropped. “I ALWAYS say that!” I half-drunkenly exclaimed at her. We stood there and talked for a few minutes as we smoked our 100’s, and laughed at all the wasted, slutty, boys inside. She looked SO familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Before long her entourage was motioning for them to all go inside.
“I’m Matty B., by the way. I’m SO rude, that I forgot to introduce myself.” I reached out to shake her hand.
She laughed at me, and replied,” I’m Stefani.” I looked at her sideways, and raised my eyebrow at her. She ignored my hand completely, and leaned in to give be a big hug. She smelled like grapefruit and sugar, which I only remembered that because it’s my FAVORITE snack. As she pulled away, she whispered in my ear “ GaGa…” She winked at me, and waved as she walked inside (what I learned later was) the VIP door.
Thrilled and stunned at the same time, I flicked my cigarette out, and skipped back inside. Not moments later, the DJ cut the music and announced over the loud speaker,”Club Tiger Heat would like to welcome tonight’s honorary VIP: Lady GaGa!”. The crowd screamed and I quietly smiled to myself. While my friends were busy whoring and skanking, I was networking and meeting celebrities. I knew that it was an omen of what was to come.
Right then, I knew I had finally found where I belonged.
Matty Beautiful
The club was so loud that the ringing in my ears almost drowned out the music. I was surrounded by gorgeous, half naked men, breaking it down to Janet Jackson. If you think you’ve been to a nightclub before, you haven’t been to Tiger Heat Thursdays, in Hollywood. It was held at the the Avalon Theater, and was the size of a large concert hall, decked head to toe with VIP’S and beautiful people. Apparently it was the place to be on a Thursday night, and it definitely lived up to it’s reputation.
I wasn’t familiar with the layout of the the Avalon Theater, so I just felt my way out the side door, to enjoy a much deserved cigarette, after a very long set of dancing. I slinked out of a hidden door, and leaned against the cool, black, brick wall. I took a deep breath of the salty Californian air, closed my eyes, and soaked up my surroundings. After a moment or two, I dug into my pocket, attempting to find my cigarettes, and my very elusive lighter. Unsuccessful, I turned to my left, to ask the beautiful blonde woman standing next to me, for a light.
“Do you-“ I started
“Of course honey.” She finished before I could even get the sentence out of my mouth. She was clearly an experienced clubber, judging by her short blue dress, bare legs, and spiked neon blue heels.
She lit my cigarette for me, and said,” You know a lady never lights her own cigarette…”
My face dropped. “I ALWAYS say that!” I half-drunkenly exclaimed at her. We stood there and talked for a few minutes as we smoked our 100’s, and laughed at all the wasted, slutty, boys inside. She looked SO familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Before long her entourage was motioning for them to all go inside.
“I’m Matty B., by the way. I’m SO rude, that I forgot to introduce myself.” I reached out to shake her hand.
She laughed at me, and replied,” I’m Stefani.” I looked at her sideways, and raised my eyebrow at her. She ignored my hand completely, and leaned in to give be a big hug. She smelled like grapefruit and sugar, which I only remembered that because it’s my FAVORITE snack. As she pulled away, she whispered in my ear “ GaGa…” She winked at me, and waved as she walked inside (what I learned later was) the VIP door.
Thrilled and stunned at the same time, I flicked my cigarette out, and skipped back inside. Not moments later, the DJ cut the music and announced over the loud speaker,”Club Tiger Heat would like to welcome tonight’s honorary VIP: Lady GaGa!”. The crowd screamed and I quietly smiled to myself. While my friends were busy whoring and skanking, I was networking and meeting celebrities. I knew that it was an omen of what was to come.
Right then, I knew I had finally found where I belonged.
Matty Beautiful