You Are My Sweetest Downfall, I Loved You First

My meter is running on empty.
My eyes, relaxed.
My heart just sinks,
Knowing that you have no knowledge of what you put me through,
Knowing that you don’t even care.
I remember a future.
Growing old,
And you finally releasing your fears.
I remember a future where I lie in your arms,
And you whisper you love me.
I remember a past.
Sitting in your car,
Driving away from the wreck of the day.
I remember a past,
Where I fell asleep in your arms,
And even though you couldn’t admit it,
I felt loved.
I remember a present.
Where I’m not falling in love,
I’m just falling to pieces.
I remember a present,
Where I thought we meant more to each other,
Than material things.
You remind me that it’s harder to love,
Than it is to hate.
I sit here,
In a crowded coffee shop, completely alone.
Because of the things that come out of your mouth,
Make me doubt whether or not love
Or honesty
Exist.
I refuse to believe that it’s only me.
Just hear me out,
We’re not done, quite yet.
Candy kids,
And gossip among the beautifuls,
It’s all circumstantial.
I refused to believe that it was only you,
Talking like that.
However it seems to always to come back to you.
Just listen up,
You’ve misplaced your heart.
Just speak up,
I know you’re there.
This sun hasn’t set.
I can’t keep this love afloat, alone.
I’ve been trying,
But I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t watch you ruin your life,
And not say anything, anymore.
You want to target your anger towards me,
When I’m not deserving of such hate.
You’re being unfair,
And I’m worth more than this.
I love you, baby.
You mean the world to me, baby.
I told you,
I’ll follow you into the dark.
But you have to be able to find the light.
Because I can’t do it for you,
that’s become clear.
You tell me you were with me,
When I was fighting me demons.
When really, you were one of the causes.
You say you held my hand through my addiction,
While all I did was try to make myself more appealing to you.
It took time,
But I realized that i would never be good enough for you,
And when I looked in the mirror,
I wasn’t good enough for myself.
While I held a sword to my fears,
You were just introducing another into my life.
Nothing is ever enough for you.
I’m helpless trying to fill the gap you so desperately need filled.
I know that I’m the only one that can attempt to fill it,
But you could care less.
Words words words,
You say you love me,
But all I hear is adverse propaganda,
And whispered lies.
Actions speak louder than words,
And all I hear is tripe.
You ask the world of me,
And I give you that and more.
I ask nothing of you,
And you give me less than that.
When will you realize how much I love,
How much I care?
It’s clear you don’t need another love to crutch upon,
You need a reality check.
And that breaks my heart.

On a rainy monday...
Matty B.

Telephone

The gay community as a whole is such a strong, united front.
We stand up for equal rights,
We rally for a cure for AIDS,
however if you take a closer look at this "unity",
you'll actually find bitter cat fights,
pointless feuds,
and not-so-secret backstabbing.

Here's me [former raging cunt]
trying to be a better person.
Trying to be nice,
attempting to make friends in the gay community.

Guess old reps die hard.

I guess i'll just have to keep makin' that effort.

Everybody's talkin', that's how they do.
Matty B.

Only Human

Things have been really good recently.
I've been doing well at work, keeping busy:
Going to the gym regularly,
Recently became vegetarian,
I've been spending a lot of time with some good friends,
and i've even managed to have a decent relationship with my mother.


Springtime is wonderful like that.

I like love.
Matty B.

Could'a Should'a Would'a

This weekend was beautiful.
Started off with a Saturday with my mom and little brother.
We went to the St.Patrick's Day Parade in Downtown Denver,
and it was absolutely ridiculous.
I had such a fun time hanging out with my family,
just the three of us.. like it used to be.
It was heart warming.

Sunday, I was greeted by the afternoon sunlight,
And the warm breeze of spring.
I had brunch at Mona's with Miss.KatieHolmes,
Followed by a leisurely afternoon in the park,
where I ran into Guatemala Bean.
I wished her a happy birthday [She's 22!],
Ignored her NASTY BITCH exGirlfriend,
and went back and lied in the grass.
I had an entire posse with me,
Mr.HeyGURL!, Eric, MissOtherWoman, and MissKatieHolmes.

It was funny, because we saw Nic cruising the park in his little white car,
then 15 minutes later, he was riding passenger in Mr.SpeedRacer's Cadillac Convertable.

It was just funny, because it was like he was trying to make "an entrance" to no where.
We all just laughed at how silly he looked.
It would have been one thing, to just show up in the Caddy,
but to skulk around the park in the little Jelly Bean car,
and then show up, trying to make an entrance.
It was silly, and just added to the humor of our delightful afternoon
I mean, it's not like he bought the car or anything..
The fact that he was driving around in the passenger seat
just means that he has successful friends.

However, I don't blame him.
A girl loves a convertable, and I am no exception.
It was just a beautiful day, altogether.

Sunrise, Sunrise, It's Like Morning In Your Eyes.
Matty B.

Figures A and B

New York was beautiful.
It was fast paced,
Lod,
Crazy,
Fun:
Alive.

The minute I stepped off the train, and stepped into Penn Square,
I knew that that was where I belonged.
I'm making preperations to go back.

It just blew my mind.
What 'tude?
Matty B.

Hello Again

I had a dream about you.
New York City,
The lights were bright,
almost competing with your smile.
We were getting out of a cab,
and you opened my door,
helping me out.
You tossed a $10 at the driver,
led me on the sidewalk,
To the front of a sparkling movie theater.
You wrapped your arms around me
and pulled me in close.
I could smell the cologne I bought you
and your breath was warm, thick; familliar.
You had a cheeky grin on your face.
You slid your arm down the small of my back,
and used your entire body to kiss me.
I could feel it all,
How you were a little scruffy on your cheek,
the soft hair and smooth skin on your arms,
the small curls in your hair,
the slight fog of your glasses.
You told me you loved me.
I woke up.

And then I cried.

Is It Finally Time To Get The Fuck Out Of Colorado?
Matty B.

Law and Order

I'm getting emotional.
I'm prepared.
I'm sad.
I'm trilled.
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified that i'm going to fall in love with her,
and NEVER come back.

It's the same fear my friends and family have.
Because we all know,
that there has to be more to life than coming off ecstacy in Mr.Angel's dad's basement.
There has to be more to life than pretending to like someone,
so that he doesn't talk shit, and make everyone hate you.
There has ot be more than horrible gays at the club,
just to hate.
There has to be someone out there that won't take me for granted,
that can appreciate the honesty and loyalty I have to offer.
There has to be more out there,
than just getting fucked.

Once, I would like to wake up with someone next to me.
..and be able to remember the previous night.

I just want someone who will smile when i trip on something and fall over,
Someone that will laugh when i fall out of bed..
Someone who grins when i burn the toast.
Someone who grabs the keys to go out to breakfast,
when i'm clearly still too sleepy to make breakfast properly.

I want security.
I want to be able to take care of someone,
and in return i want to be taken care of.
When i'm brushing my teeth,
and i look into the mirror,
I want to feel arms around my waist, hugging me,
and a smile.
When i dance around the apartment cleaning,
and dancing to music in just my underwear,
I want that to be appreciated.
I want to live.
And I can't do that here.

Hit it Fergie!
Matty B.

This Is How The Beat Drops.

I leave for New York Today.
I lie awake in my bed.
It's 1am.
The orange glow of the city lines my blinds,
and sloftly rests on my face.
I close my eyes,
but REM is the furthest thing from my mind.
I turn on my side,
and pull my comforter under my chin.
I wrap my arms around the thick goose-feather blanket,
and embrace it; hard.
I'm doing it.
I'm getting out.

Let Me See Ya Do The Jane Fonda.
Matty B.